SkitZ‘ Star Studded
Christmas Spectacular
Welcome ladies and gentlemen to a column so overbearing that even ‘Bear himself declined my invitation. A column for geeks & cool kids alike despite there being no trace of American Mikey P whatsoever. A column so witty and informative, it rendered Irishsara speechless; unable to contribute so much as a single word. Hard to fathom I know. But then again, this is the same column which scared Sheepster right back into hibernation. I’m not here to pull the wool over your eyes, folks. This is a ridiculously beefy column but ridicule me not for I have shaved near 4,000 words off the 2013 installment in hopes that you‘d actually read the entire thing.
After scrooging my way through the holidays last year, I’ve corralled thirty LOPers of past and present relevance to share their wishes for a better wrestling product in the forthcoming months. So with a level of execution on par with Seth Rollins’ stray dick pic and any given Eva Marie match, I give you my (almost) annual Christmas Clusterfuck.
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Al Laiman -
What do I want from the world of wrestling? I want to care again. I want to be able to tune into a product and legitimately want to see it. I spent years of my life following wrestling, participating in wrestling, and then writing about it on this site, and after WrestleMania 30, it got so bad that I couldn't bring myself to write about something that I found nigh unrecognizable from what I fell in love with as a kid. It's just not the lack of new stars, it's not the de-emphasis on the word "wrestling" and everything that entails, it's not bringing people up from NXT and having no idea what to do with them... Well, maybe it is all those things, but mostly, it's that I can't get through an episode without being bombarded to buy their bullshit without a reason to want to. Post on this, hashtag this, vote this, wear this shirt, download this, and Network, of course. They want us to support all of those things, but haven't put in a whole lot of motivation in order to earn that support, at least in my eyes. They just want it so they can look good for their investors. I tried so hard to remain interested for the sake of those who read me on the site, but it was so bad, so boring, so shill-iffic, that I couldn't. I gave myself several chances; the Royal Rumble, a Smackdown event, Summerslam... Still didn't care, at all. So, 2016, I want to see new things, I want to see a focus on wrestling, I want to be able to get through an episode of RAW and feel like I wasn't wasting my time... I want to WANT to come back to write 30 Thoughts or something similar, because I miss that part of my life, and all the people who supported it. It was a nice distraction from the bi-yearly stress test that is my University. I want to want to be Al Laiman again, 2016.
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Al.pYro -
When he debuted, I attached myself to Bray. And I’ve watched his rollercoaster career through its peaks and valleys. From his debut destruction of Kane, his systematic breaking down of Daniel Bryan, to his more recent family-involved mind games played against Roman Reigns. Through the feuds, Championship Gold has eluded Bray completely. He is yet to hold a single championship at either the WWE or NXT level. The complaint has been levied that Wyatt loses too god damn much to be taken as a serious threat. I don’t think this is the case. I think, in a more simple way, Bray Wyatt wrestles too often to be taken seriously.
The Man of 1,000 Truths surrounds himself with a flock of followers that seem ready at any moment to take any onslaught of punishment to protect their leader.
In 2016 - I want to see this invoked to carry Wyatt to a lengthy and dominant WWE Championship run.
Too often in the past have Harper, Rowan, and now Strowman, been used simply as a numbers game. Rather than the “find friends” method we’ve seen WWE apply to faces countless times while facing the Wyatt’s, three Bray Stooges should form a protective wall around their increasingly self-aggrandizing leader. Making any face fight through the gauntlet of Rowan, Harper, and Strowman (in that order, preferably) just to have the privilege of meeting the Eater of Worlds at whatever Network Exclusive event is up next is a paint by numbers feud maker that is ready-made to enhance both sides upon programs end. With this, Wyatt would gain atomic levels of heat and conversely any face (Reigns, Lesnar, a returning Seth Rollins) would have full backing by an increasingly cynical audience.
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Anonymous -
For Christmas I wish for a new era. An era of happiness and success. An era of quality and consistency. An era of legends.
I'm not talking about the WWE though. I'm talking about the IWC.
People have been bitching and whining so long they can't see the wood for the trees. Whilst those with power in the IWC shit all over the product the WWE will be doomed to failure.
My wish is for the IWC to become great again. For great new writers to emerge. People who are positive and creative. People who view wrestling as something to love. People who care.
A wish too far, perhaps?
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Cult Icon -
So you want me to give a list of what I want from wrestling in 2016? I'm disappointed Skitz; in the old days you'd be asking me for a list of things Paige and I would do on a weekend getaway to an undisclosed location! You've gone soft on me! Alright, let's see; things I want from wrestling in 2016...
-Lucha Underground season two to be even better than Lucha Underground season one.
-Lucha Underground seasons three and four are confirmed.
-Pentagon Jr. as Lucha Underground Champion
-Everyone and their brother subscribing to Rudo Can't Fail, a lucha magazine that I write for (that's right, Cult sold out AND sold in!).
-Candice LeRae as PWG Championship.
-Aerostar works his way into the AAA Mega Championship scene.
-Jack Evans vs. Angelico in the Temple
-Wrestling as a whole getting stronger. TV deals and more exposure for everyone.
-More wrestlers join Lucha Underground. Because if every WWE fan alive can hope every wrestler ever joins them, why the fuck can't I hope every wrestler joins my favorite promotion?
-Vince McMahon calls CM Punk and beg him to return, followed by Punk laughing for twenty minutes and then hanging up.
-WWE realizing Roman Reigns isn't the guy, followed by them putting him in a spot where he can actually succeed while WWE fans breathe a sigh of relief (look at that! It's already coming true Skitz!)
-A Marty the Moth t-shirt.
-A Ric Flair movie goes into production, with Leonardo DiCaprio tapped to play the Nature Boy while Hulk Hogan campaigns to play himself and fails.
-RantingRandall vs. Mick Foley, where Noelle betrays Mick and then walks off with our favorite Northern Irishmen, all while Foley sobs like me at the end of Titanic.
-Someone signs Chuck Taylor. I don't care who. GIVE CHUCKY T A CHANCE!
-TNA stays alive, just to piss people off more.
-Candice LeRae admitting I'm the love of her life, followed by us having a weekend getaway in an undisclosed location.
There Skitz, happy? Now excuse me while I go party with Joss Whedon at the Rudo Can't Fail Christmas party. I'M A ROCK STAR DAMMIT!
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Dannokaboom -
The problem with these Christmas wishlist doodas, is that people just want to talk about wrestling. Who they want to be champion, who they want to see more of and whatnot. Boring.
I want to be a wrestler, but some things are probably going to have to change.
I wish for dark hair. Before baldness set in, I was a blonde. Blondes may have more fun, but they don’t get as much poon. The darker gents tended to get the stink finger more than I, so I want to be dark and hairy.
I’m 6’4”, but I’m not exactly heavy. I need to put some weight on if I wish to be a pro wrestler. I’ve always envisioned myself as a Kevin Owens type as opposed to the John Cena sculptured look.
I also need some degree of fighting skill, something I’m severely lacking. I wish to have some kind of fight training. I want to be a double hard Geordie bastard.
I wish for an animal based nickname too. Badger or Squirrel. I’ve always wanted to have a nickname.
On a personal note, I worry about my cum face. We all have that unique expression during the point of ejaculation, but I want mine to be a touch more expressive. Basically, I want to be this guy.
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Doc -
Dean Ambrose to maintain a consistent speaking presence on Raw every week, just to see how over he could get with a little more creative focus.
John Cena to temporarily turn heel(ish) for a feud with Undertaker at WrestleMania, ala Shawn Michaels turning heel(ish) for seven weeks to build a Summerslam match with Hulk Hogan in 2005.
The people to go a little easier on Roman Reigns as he tries to take us out of the John Cena Era that so many have been clamoring to be over for since the beginning of the decade. He works hard, does Roman, and he will only get better with time.
For each NXT call-up to be allowed to use the character that earned them the call-up on the main roster with limited tinkering for sake of it "needing to better fit the WWE vision." Triple H knows what he's doing down in Orlando. If it works for the NXT brand, give it a reasonable chance to work on WWE proper. Oh, and bring back vignettes; no more of this "NXT wrestler shows up out of nowhere" stuff. Hype the call-ups!
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Fenixx -
All that I want the WWE to show is depth. For characters that we see on our screens a few times a week for all 52 weeks of the year, each character seems to live from PPV-to-PPV. It is the actions within the feud itself that dictate what extreme of emotion each wrestler portrays, but even then this is a best case scenario. The majority of WWE wrestlers seem so firmly committed to their on-screen persona that it doesn’t progress. They don’t grow from a feud, more so the feud grows because of the clash of characters.
None of that malice, that grit seems to follow on. The only time we get true evolution of wrestlers is during a face/heel turn, but often that is occurring after the current ‘mask’ that the wrestler is wearing has grown stale. At this point, storyline options are either exhausted or not attractive, leading to a complete switch. While many wrestling fans can pinpoint those iconic moments, for true fans the high comes from the tease in the weeks beforehand. Whether it’s foreshadowed frustration or that internal struggle to break the bounds of character confines, we see true evolution and self-reflection in a two-dimensional persona.
This can be achieved through writing that doesn’t just address the pay-off in the squared circle, but so that both characters grow from the experience. It rewards the fans who tune in every Monday and Friday night when you’re not watching the same wrestler from 2012 perform in 2015. The real shame is that when the WWE do address it, it is brilliant but the effects are often short-term. Let’s get some character development that doesn’t just start from the Royal Rumble. Give us more reasons to become invested in the wrestlers you force onto us. Most importantly, reward those who tune in every night with an intricate product that is not just built on finishers and flashy lights but from the joy of seeing two wrestlers we’ve got an attachment to performing in the ring.
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Freeman -
What I would really like this year is a girl who resembles my advent calendar; nailed to the wall, flaps open, and ready to be eaten. Wrestling wise, I'm really not sure. To be honest, before I got the call from Skitz asking me if I wanted to partake in this shindig, I hadn't watched a single minute of any wrestling since Wrestlemania, so this should be fun. I also happened to be at a work's Christmas party when the fruity one called, where I was being served food by my boss's wife. She asked me “how many potatoes would you like?” “Oh, just one please” came my reply. “It's okay, you don't have to be polite” she said “Alright” I replied “I'll just have one then, you stupid cunt.”
So yeah, I watched RAW the other day, so I could actually contribute something other cock jokes to this column, but I have absolutely no idea what's going on anymore. So I guess, what I'd really like for Christmas this year, is the answer to the following questions:
1) Who is it that thinks that Roman Reigns actually has a good look? To me he looks like a cross between Robert Trujillo and Al Snow, and I don't remember anyone wanting to put the WWE Title on either of those two.
2) Why was Dean Ambrose getting beaten up by Jim Neidhart?
3) Did the pre-2015 Sheamus die and get replaced by someone with learning difficulties?
4) Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and think “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”?
5) What's a Tyler Breeze? I'm sure I ordered one of those in a bar in Tenerife once.
6) With their loss to the Wyatt Family, is the TNA invasion storyline now over?
7) Anyone else think Reigns could've been booked a bit better in the main event? I personally don't think he looked strong enough. After winning the world title, I would've sent out a brand new stable consisting of Steve Austin, The Rock, The Undertaker, Hulk Hogan, a tank, God, and the sun, and had Reigns mow through all of them, whilst simultaneously defeating ever member of the terrorist organisation Isis with nothing but a rolled up piece of newspaper and a pen, all while being fellated by a dream combination of Miranda Kerr and Margot Robbie. You know, just in case his booking wasn't favourable enough.
That will do for now. I've got to go, as I've developed a new addiction to brake fluid you see, and I need a fix pretty quickly. It's okay, I can stop anytime.
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JacobWrestledGod -
There's many things I want for 2016. I simply want more free time to watch wrestling. I also want Roman and Dean to implode their partnership (mega powers explodes!) and have Seth turn up at the contract signing for the best WM build... And for Undertaker to face John Cena or something like that. It's all points to Wrestlemania, isn't it? I am only a true fan in the Mania/Rumble season. It's when everything converges into a single focal point in which I derive all power and authority as a WWE fan --- and get pissed off when things don't go my way. Like Brock vs Reigns, or some other dumb crap WWE throws our way, we complain, we whine, then we eat it up like puppies to milk.
WWE, just give us the best, most logical Mania card you can. It's not rocket science.
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kingzak13 -
Dear WrestleSanta,
My name is Lord, Sir King Zak T (Last name omitted). As I am sure you are aware, it is almost WrestleChristmas time, most easily tellable by the piss poor weather over here in England, sorry for swearing WrestleSanta, hope you still consider me a good boy this year. I believe I have been a good boy this year, I haven’t called too many people a cunt, and I have been entertaining to bunch of people online. Plus I gave a pound to charity recently. So it would be hard to not consider that I have been good this year. So here is a list of the things I want for WrestleChristmas this year.
• Less predictability, this mostly goes towards the Royal Rumble, title changes and the Money in the Bank. Only one of the title changes in the past year was unpredictable to me. While predictability is good sometimes, it is nice to be surprised too, so we need more of those.
• MORE LADDER MATCHES.
• Meth to be brought into Bray Wyatt’s back story in some way. Meth is the “in” drug right now, thanks to breaking Bad, so WWE should totally capitalize on that.
• Better treatment for NXT superstars.
• The New Day Rocks Junior Geologist kit.
Also if you could see your way into getting some of John Cena’s kryptonian blood delivered to all the currently injured superstars, so they can be back in action sooner, because the product is pretty fucking abysmal without them. Again sorry for swearing.
Anyway that is my list of everything I want for WrestleChristmas this year, I hope there is enough room in your WrestleSleigh to bring those things. I’ll see you on the 25th, or whatever day you normally show up on.
Best wishes
Lord, Sir King Zak T (Last name omitted).
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Kleckamania -
What do I wish for? Well I’d love to get some sleep, have some free time, get laid… What’s that? You say I have a girlfriend? I also have a toddler and an infant, AKA, the ultimate cock blockers. Spoiler alert- your sex life dies a painful death once you have children. Wait, this is a wishlist column for wrestling?!?! What the hell good is that?
Skitz will disappear before this gets posted anyway. You should have seen the crazy shit I sent into him last year. Starting to think homeboy is Houdini reincarnated. Or has good sense in abandoning my material lol. If this sees light of day you’ll know which. I guess that is my first wrestling related wish- for Skitz to stick around and write some columns this year. Probably the most likely thing I’ve asked for, or will ask for in this write up.
What else do I wish for? I wish Brock Lesnar loses to El Torito at Wrestlemania 32. Total domination. Then I can sit back and laugh hysterically all year long while smarks bitch that the win should have at least went to someone who could use it, like Roman Reigns. The irony would be so delicious.
I wish New Day holds the Tag Titles for the next 3-5 years. Just non-stop Unicorn Power, in all of its glory.
I wish Cesaro and DB come back and both go on 5 thousand match winning streaks, resulting in Vince McMahon having no choice but to award them both all of the titles less the tag titles, even the Diva’s title- and then they just reign supreme over everyone constantly for like 2 and a half decades. Roman Reigns and his kids will be jobbing to them constantly, and Heath Slater.
Most importantly I’d wish for a disgustingly large amount of money, so if I’m still not satisfied with WWE, or professional wrestling in general after all my wishes and desires are fulfilled, I can just put my money where my mouth is and pay wrestlers to do shit exactly my way. Wonder how long that would remain interesting? I could also buy a robot nanny so I can get sleep, free time, and poon tang.
None of that shit is happening though, so it looks like we all just have to suck it up and get over it.
Happy Festivus!
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Leaf -
1. The very first wish that springs to my mind is for Dean Ambrose to capture the big one. In most circumstances, I would claim that there is no rush for a superstar to win their first World Championship. After all, just look at stars such as Christian and Mark Henry who, ECW title excluded, claimed the World Heavyweight Championship so late in their career. The problem is, people will always draw comparisons between the three Shield members.
That same differentiating factor is also used when these same people imagine a Shield reunion. Wouldn't it be that much better for the group to come back together as three World Champions as opposed to leaving Ambrose as the spare part. We don't know when the reunion will be but with more and more factions forming in the WWE as of late, the landscape is changing dramatically. Let's see what the Lunatic can do, before all of that...
2. Stop the PPV "surprises" for a while. I know that sounds a weird thing to ask. I just want to get through a PPV and think about who will win the Main Event. I don't want to be speculating about who will return at the end of the night, what might happen after the match, who might get attacked...
Other than what happened with Roman Reigns at TLC/RAW, the follow-ups to these surprises have been underwhelming. Just think of all of the returnees this year who were beaten not long after. I want a surprise to feel like a surprise again. I want to be excited about where it might go. Come on WWE!
3. I would love for some stability in the Diva Division as far as alignments go. Is Paige a face? Is Charlotte a heel? Will Heel Brie stop doing the god damn Yes Kicks? Just think of Bayley's NXT Takeover matches. The fans are so invested because her character is so well defined as a super babyface. Her route to and successful capture of the title had many in tears. How are the Divas of the main roster are supposed to tell stories when their roles aren't clearly outlined?
4. This year, I would love for Dolph Ziggler to join the Lucha Underground promotion. Never before have I been so out of touch with Dolph's character. He was once a wonderful performer but now I feel that this "rocker DZ" is phoning it in each and every night. Who could blame him though, as he has been the recipient of the most inconsistent booking known to man. I want to know what would happen if he entered the Temple with a clean slate. How would him and former WWE star PJ Black measure up? What about himself and Angelico? There's Puma too!
A change of scenery might well work wonders for Mr. Ziggles. Forget 50/50 booking, let's have some matches that mean something.
5. My final wish is for Jordan and Gable to capture both the NXT Tag Team Championships and the WWE Tag Team Championships in the same calendar year. NXT has stumbled upon the most perfect tag team in terms of chemistry and athletic ability. Having seen first hand how over these men are, I would give them every ball possible for them to run with, and I guarantee they would score every single time.
The future looks bright for these two men. Let's hope the brightness extends beyond the electric yellow of NXT.
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Maverick -
FINALLY, THE MAV HAS COME BACK...HOME. Or something. Good to see you all CF, Merry Christmas to one and all. If I had one wish for the next year of pro wrestling, it would be for WWE to consistently write episodes of Monday Night Raw with compelling through the night stories. As we saw with Reigns' big moment, Raw is far more effective when there is something at stake. While the PPV product may well be the strongest it has ever been, television has lagged behind except for the odd amazing episode (Yes Movement, There's Always A Plan B, Lesnar and Undertaker brawl through the entire arena, and so on). What the Reigns through the night tale showed was that some of that Monday Night Wars sense of urgency is still possible to achieve in the modern day. So really, it's simple. Streamline the writing room, consult the former wrestlers they have on staff (Regal, Malenko, Albert) who have the wealth of booking knowledge the likes of Patterson and Brisco gave McMahon and Russo back in the day, and give the talent the opportunity to improvise and cut their promos without being handcuffed to scripts and bullet points. Some awesome TV matches and title defences complete the jigsaw puzzle and then we'd have 52 weeks of exciting Raws (although I'm sure the IWC would find something to complain about anyway).
If someone were generous enough to allow me a second wish, it would be for wrestling fans to magically stop obsessing about who is being pushed and who isn't. Listen, not everyone can be pushed at the same time. A wrestler being pushed does not improve the product just because they're your favourite. And the story matters more than who's in it. Just relax and enjoy watching your guy do his thing. I mark most for Ambrose, Owens and Breeze, and I am more than happy with how their careers are going. It's really not worth losing sleep over, guys.
Thirdly, if I'm being really greedy, let's have a Royal Rumble winner that EVERYONE can get behind. The last four or five have been marred by unpopular winners and ugly crowds, and I really can't bear that happening to my favourite event of the year again. So let's have Lesnar, Owens or Ambrose win, please, and let the crowd mark out rather than throw stuff.
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Mazza -
I won't take up a lot of your time with such a allstar line up here. What I want is simple. Daniel Bryan. I don't care how injured he is. As much as I want to see a fit Daniel Bryan, I am all for compromise. If I can't see him wrestle, I still want to see him on my TV. It's that waste of such a popular and charismatic personality that I can't understand. If he can't do what he does best then he have him be the onscreen foil to the Authority. Reigns can be the one that takes them down but Bryan can be the one who takes their spot. Think of all those face commissioners over the years. Bryan would be perfect. Give us our beard fix, please Santa SkitZ. That's how this works right? I'll even sit on your knee if that's what it takes.
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Mizfan -
My wish for the wrestling world in 2016? Very simple, and I won’t beat around the bush with it.
I want fans to watch something that’s not WWE.
Now please don’t get excited, I’m not saying that because I hate WWE or want them to go out of business. They have perhaps the best roster in the world, and by far the biggest stage on which to practice this crazy art we call wrestling. If WWE somehow did go out of business, there’s a good chance most of the wrestling world would follow.
But, and there is a but, I am saddened to look around and see that to many people WWE is one and the same as the wrestling world, and there’s not a damn thing beyond its borders. I understand that mentality, I had it myself for many years, but in the past couple years I have branched out and given some other promotions a try, and I have been bowled over by the wealth of quality work all over the world in every kind of style and variety. I have followed both CHIKARA and Lucha Underground with extremely satisfying results, and found much to enjoy in promotions like House of Hardcore and the much maligned TNA as well. That’s not even beginning to touch on the sampling I did in New Japan, PWG, ROH, RPW, EVOLVE, Stardom, AAA, NOAH, All Japan… the list goes on, and that’s barely scratching the surface of what I didn’t get to.
12 years a fan, and this year may have been my most satisfying and fulfilling yet. So don’t quit watching WWE if you enjoy it, by all means check out the work that those talented people are doing. But, if you can spare a moment, give a look to something outside the bubble and see what’s out there.
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Neoskizzle -
What do I want for Christmas?
12 Cesaro Swings
11 Man Hell in a Cell
10 Diva Battle Royal
9 Dean Ambrose Chair Shots
8 Brock Lesnar Suplexes
7 NXT Call Ups
6 Main Events at Wrestlemania
5 Minutes of Roman Reigns as Champion
4 Members of The New Day
3 Ski Themed Comedy Skits involving Snow, Hornswoggle and an errant nutshot
2 Bellas Stripping
1 Fella’s Head on a F***ing Pike
Hate you Sheamus. You make the elves cry.
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Oliver -
Dear Skitzanta,
Next year, could we please have Lucha Underground Season 1 released on DVD?
On a larger scale, I would like to see Raw focus more on stories and less on wrestling, to the point where one time there is a Raw with no wrestling and it's basically just a three hour drama where men and women talk. That sounds like it would be a fun and brave direction to take the weekly episodic program in. And could we please, for the love of Mark Henry, get some closure on who kidnapped Samoa Joe? Man, I have been waiting on that one for years. Perhaps also you could fix Seth Rollins' knee quickly so we can get a fucking baller Shield Triple Threat at WrestleMania?
Ooh, and I'd like it if we could take the NXT crowd that's there every time and teach them to not harm a product with their incessant, migraine inducing banal chants but to enhance it like they used to with their reactions to what is presented in front of them. I'd just like it if they could go back to being fun rather than fucking annoying, you know?
I'd like to see Katsuyori Shibata get a big push in NJPW, where the main event scene could really do with freshening up. Perhaps we could elevate Shibata and Nakamura to the main event, and have some new matches? I think that would be fun. Lots of fun.
Also, dearest Skitzanta, please put Paige in stockings in my stocking. I asked you for this last year and you did not follow through, which made me question my faith in you. This is the last time, and failure on your part is not an option I am willing to accept.
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Pen15 -
I hope Vince McMahon opens up his mind a bit more. I can picture him laughing to himself as he told Paul a couple of years ago to enjoy himself with his little developmental project. Instead of taking notes off how NXT has succeeded, Vince has seemingly done everything in his power to devalue the hottest Indy promotion in the world (which isn't a shock as he had the same reaction to any competition). The sad part is how easy it would be to work both the main roster and NXT separately but with similar structures, and have them both succeed. So we get WWE main roster programs nominated for Slammys in the category of best WWE network show, instead of the obvious.
I don't want Vince to step back completely. Like I said, just open his mind a bit more. Vince Russo was a successful writer in WWE. If Russo can help make WWE better, and Mr. McMahon listened to him, why can't Vincent Kennedy let different voices be heard now? Especially when you know those voices are leading to the farm team reaching more and more viewers.
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’Plan -
What am I wishing for this Christmas?
Well I’d quite like the guarantee that we’ll get a 2016 Royal Rumble that isn’t mired in some form of controversy or debate for the first time in…well, god only knows how long! A good old fashioned Rumble, with a clear winner people like, leading to a nicely booked main event feud for WrestleMania. That surely can’t be too difficult, right? And for the love of god, only put Daniel Bryan in the thing IF he’s slated to win it.
…actually, for the sake of playing it safe, it might be best to find some way to officially proclaim him as not being in it if he won’t be. Otherwise it’ll either be a 2014 reprise or a 2015 one!
At the very least, can we just have a really great edition of the Rumble match that is recognised as such? It’d be mighty refreshing!
Secondly, I’d quite like for people to stop trying to find a reason to hate everything and instead find reasons to enjoy things instead. That’d be mighty nice. I get it’s a long shot though, so I’ll just restrict myself for this year and wish only that people stop trying to find things to hate about Roman Reigns instead, and enjoy the obvious elements there are to enjoy. Like great matches! And I’m sure he’s going to have plenty of them in the year to come. (In an ideal world, keep that title run away from him for 2016 as well; do what you’ve done this year again and it’ll all be ok!)
My third and final wish is to have Seth Rollins back as soon as is humanly possible please! God damn, I miss that guy…. Lots….
And that’s what I’m wishing for this Christmas.
PS: If we can try and get these silly faddy chants to stop as well, that’d be cool too. I miss the days wrestling crowds reacted to the wrestling and not the booking.
PSS: I also wish for people to buy my book, 101 WWE Matches To See Before You Die available on Amazon UK, US and Europe right now.
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Prime Time -
I've always been struck with the way that Diesel, or Kevin Nash if you prefer, became WWF champion. Part of that was the way that he annihilated Bob Backlund and took the strap in seconds. But part of it was the fact that it happened away from the spotlight, on a house show. The grainy footage still actually stands out far more than a lot of crystal-clear, HD images that I've seen more recently.
It's a decision that has been derided since by many armchair promoters, in part because they're too busy second-guessing the choice and in part because Diesel's run ended up being disappointing and so it's easy to beat up on everything involved in it. But I've always seen a huge amount of potential in this kind of move, because it has the effect of making the whole landscape of the WWE feel bigger. There are x number of wrestlers, working x number of dates, and each one matters. But that feeling didn't really last.
The Monday Night Wars are rightly lauded for a lot of reasons, but one of the main drawbacks of the period is that so much attention gets focused on one weekly show - for a while there it was a bit of a split between Raw and Smackdown, but even that seems to have slipped back and it's clear that there is one main show that the company relies on to tell its primary stories. And the truth is that while that makes it far easier to marshall your forces for a war, it does mean that the whole universe feels smaller. You know, very simply, that 99% of the time a House Show is effectively meaningless, that the real news will either happen on RAW, or on the larger shows (which is how I'm going to refer to them until we can come up with a better, more accurate alternative to PPV).
The Network, for me, has a huge amount of storytelling potential. You've not only got NXT on there, operating as some kind of halfway-house between a development territory and another brand. You also have the potential to move away from a RAW-centred, easy, weekly model of storytelling. You've already seen a bit of that with key interviews and videos related to main event storylines appearing on WWE.com rather than on programming. The Network is perfect for that kind of storytelling - flash bulletins of key events on House shows, surprise happenings on Superstars - you name it, the flexibility of a committed audience who are already paying for all this content opens you up to almost unlimited possibilities.
Again, the real upshot of this is that the WWE would then become a 24/7 enterprise. Events could happen in any town, on any day, and be relayed to the worldwide audience via the network. Rather than being merely a buzzword for the fanbase, the WWE Universe would exist on a truly epic scale, comparable with the created worlds of a Star Wars or Lord of the Rings: but with the added bonus of interacting with our own several times a week.
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rayhagan1 -
My Christmas wishes are simple for WWE, they're like any child at Christmas. I want the things I like, and I want surprises. It's not hard. RAW on 12/14/15 was a step in the right direction. WWE seemed to realize finally that things that matter actually have to happen on their television programming in order to get people to tune in. Seeing any title, and the World Heavyweight Title in particular, change hands on a show is fantastic. The last time that title changed hands on RAW was over 4 years ago. It happened three times between WrestleMania 14 & 15. That's when WWE had competition and a fire under their asses to actually do something.
I don't want the Attitude Era back, I know that as a publicly traded company we might not get that ever again. I want WWE to give me reasons to tune in this Christmas. Give me exciting stories, compelling characters, and moments that matter away from the bright lights of PPV. I don't need sex, over the top stunts and blood to achieve that. I just need a good, honest effort. I need coherent stories with compelling characters. WWE is more than capable of putting that under my tree...we'll see if they do.
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Ro -
I'm back on here once again and I must say, it's great to be back. There's nothing I love more than being on holiday specials; it's the closest thing to getting snow here in the Third World.
I only have one wrestling wish for Christmas: for Vincent Kennedy McMahon to go back to the right path. Tell a damn good story like you did the night Roman Reigns won the championship. Go do the things that create real drama, and stop making the rules as you go along. People notice that shit; they're not as dumb as you think they are. Once you do, we'll be all right come next Christmas.
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Shane -
They’ll call this the day mystic joined a bunch of privileged motherfuckers who are lucky enough to still love pro wrestling. Before I even wrote a sentence, I was told to keep it to 350 words when others among us went over 500 (something about being an Icon makes you feel you have to earn it, I guess). But that’s not the privilege I’m talking about. The privilege I speak of lies with a bunch of folks who care enough about wrestling to still watch it but still feel the need to make wishes. Meanwhile the only reason I’m even included in a wrestling conversation is because I found a time machine to almost thirty years back to do a legacy series on WCW. While the folks around me are probably wishing for something better, I’d be happy enough wishing for a product I cared enough about to even watch. But it’s not 1991 and my favorite wrestler isn’t world champion anymore. Nor is it 1992 and HBK isn’t breaking out solo. It’s not 1997, and WCW is not at war with the nWo, nor is it 1998 with Austin on the rise. There is no Christian Cage or 2012 Bobby Roode in TNA, and I…am left watching old WCW shows on the Network of the company that bought them out. (That’s called irony. You learn to grin and live with it.) I guess if I could wish for anything, I’d wish to go backward, not forward. I’d wish for a core of WCW guys that centered on Luger, Sting, Flair, and the Steiners. I’d wish for Terry Funk, Paul E. Dangerously, and the Midnight Express. I’d wish gaming systems were no newer than the SNES, or maybe the PS1 on the day that Square dropped Final Fantasy VII. I’d wish for the day when Bad Boy ruled hip hop, and I went to school listening to B.I.G., Ma$e, or the Lox. It’s funny—in a matter of seconds I can wish for so many things behind me, but to wish for anything in 2016 is too far out of my vision. Some mystic, huh? Whether it’s WWE and Roman Reigns, TNA and its ever-changing climate, or all those other promotions I’d watch if I had time or reason, none of them come close enough to where I live to bring me in. I am older now, outside the demographic, and no longer of concern. So if I had to wish for anything for 2016? I guess I’d wish for a pleasant surprise, an unheard of shock. Like Lex Luger’s body slam heard ‘round the world, I’d wish for something to happen that I could actually hear. I’d wish for something that I could feel, invest in, and engage with. If I have to make a wish for 2016, I’m glad I’m doing it on the holidays, because I can only wish for one thing: a Hail Mary miracle. That’s the best I’ve got. Now somebody tell Cult Icon I did 500 words, too. And did it without an actual wish to speak of.
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Shinobi -
Well, my Christmas wish from a few years ago didn’t come true, seeing as Skitz has brought out this abomination once again...but them’s the breaks, as Dr. Monkey once said.
On my wishlist for 2016 is a prominent role for Sasha Banks. I don’t care if she becomes Divas champion, quite frankly, but I want to see her front and centre because she is one of the most entertaining characters in WWE, full stop.
I want to see Daniel Bryan win the Royal Rumble, if only to put an end to these ridiculous atmospheres at the Rumble event each year. Of course, if he does turn up, and they do let him win, he’ll probably get booed out of the building because it’s so damn predictable, even when CM Punk turns up to help him out at the end. Seriously.
Finally, I want Xavier Woods to learn more songs for the trombone, more low cut dresses for Stephanie McMahon, Kevin Owens to be given a live mic more often and I want The Undertaker to go out in style. That would be a perfect year.
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Skulduggery -
1. Harper/Rowan Tag Team Championship Reign
The Wyatt Family continues to be seven thousands kinds of amazing, and while their patriarch has justifiably shown virtually no desire in the mundane-to-him WWE Championship, a secondary set of straps on two of his family members would tick my boxes. In 2014, Harper and Rowan wrestled a pair of absolute gems against the Usos in efforts to secure the tag titles. A 2016 victory for the Upside Down Sheamus and Luke "The Laundromat Was Closed" Harper would definitively spread the dominance of the family over championship divisions and tangibly add another notch to Bray's brood.
2. SummerSlam's Continued Success
WWE's PPV game was brilliant for most of the 2015 calendar, and SummerSlam was one of the winners that continued an annual trend. For three straight years, the Biggest Party has consistently been excellent, both in delivery and in build. This year's extension to 4 hours, the inclusion of a rather adept Stephen Amell, and the stacked card really pushed Slam up near the echelon of Mania, and I look forward to more in 2016. Even the RAW after SummerSlam was in the mold of a typical "RAW after WrestleMania", further indicating the desire to find a brother for the global success of WrestleMania, and I heavily applaud the focus on SummerSlam. WWE, kindly deliver in spades again.
3. Another Career "Renaissance"
Early in 2014, fresh from the Bryan/Authority squabble, I penned a column about B+ players. My prime example was Kofi Kingston, who had, for 6 years at that point, consistently delivered in the ring at a very solid midcard level. While excellent in his midcard babyface role, I deemed him unlikely to ascend past the midcard or show us much different. While he's still unlikely to become a face of the company kind of guy, my Ricky Steamboat comparison to him couldn't have been more incorrect. Alongside his New Day brethren, Kofi has shown us a completely new and incredibly dynamic side, striking gold with virtually every appearance. Who knew Kofi had such sick heel chops in his arsenal? I'd love for 2016 to reveal another diamond out of nowhere. Cody Rhodes, maybe?
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Subho -
I thought a lot about it, but the only wrestling related thing that I wish for this Christmas is Daniel Bryan's in-ring return to WWE.
With the way things are at the moment, if it's not for a drastic change in which WWE does its booking, it wouldn't take much time for me to stop watching the show altogether. So, I guess it's only a Bryan return that can provide some relief.
So, yeah, my 2015 Christmas wish: Daniel Bryan.
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Super Chrisss -
What I want for Christmas this year is something I’ve wanted for nearly a year but only now worked up the courage to ask for. I want the mother-f’n BRAND SPLIT to come back! Santa, don’t you dare tell me that’s not possible, because it is! WWE has plenty of stars on their main roster who can fill up three hours of Raw and two hours of SmackDown every week yet the focus always seems to be on the same ten-fifteen guys and two or three gals, week-in and week-out.
Do you remember the days of brand warfare? I do, and they were awesome. In fact, the competition between each brand (Raw and SmackDown) to out-do the other made for nail-biting, compelling television. Now, everyone walks around without purpose, waiting for a title shot or feud to spring out of the blue. Forget that noise. Bring back the Cruiserweight Championship. De-unify (is that even a word?) the world title(s). Have the tag team and divas champions move between both brands and accept all challengers. Make the Intercontinental title exclusive to Raw and the U.S. title exclusive to Raw (or vice versa, whatever). Bring back the annual draft lottery (which used to be my second-favourite non-WrestleMania night of the year, after the Royal Rumble). Just please, please, please, please, split everyone and everything up again!
If you don’t do it, grandma won’t be the only one to get run-over by a reindeer this year, mark my words…
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Tito -
What I simply want for Christmas for the upcoming year of 2016 in the pro wrestling world is to see Dean Ambrose consistently win matches. No more strings of Pay Per View losses and playing second fiddle to Roman Reigns. Let Ambrose win and see if fans actually react. Since the break-up of the Shield, Ambrose has an awful Pay Per View record and it's almost like WWE depushed him just to get Reigns over. Just let Ambrose win!
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Uncle Joe -
Hey everyone, how are you? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that; well, it is 2015 and although we as a society still have a ways away before we reach social utopia, there are plenty of people who accept and EMBRACE those of the transgendered variety.
So anywho, this dirtbag Skitz wanted to drop my wishlist for his annual Jewish bullshit, but aside from Sanaa Lathan spitting in my mouth, I have very little to wish for.
Oh right, this is for wrestling related shit, pardon. I'll just do a dummies version of my wishlist:
- wrestling as a whole to get better.
Wrestling as a whole was pretty down in 2015; WWE has sucked for a lot of the year; indy wrestling across the board has seen many people (including veterans) looking lost and green; not many Mexicans making tape and if they did its an exorbitant amount to pay to a dealer.
- for wrestling fans to get smarter
You don’t like what you see? Don’t watch, and only buy from who you DO like. If you attend a live show, stay quiet for who you truly don’t support. Boo and do whatever else it is you like. You paid for your tix after all.
But more than anything else, be smarter. Chants are cool when they add to a match or if the crowds on fire and YES its up to the performers to get that out of you, but don’t detract from the experience of everyone else.
Last and not least, stop with the goddamn "this is awesome" and "holy shit" chants. This one is fucking irritating. I like mat wrestling but no a fucking hip toss isn’t needing a holy shit chant. For fucks sake.
Anyway happy kwanza and national kyke day and don’t forget that black lives matter too, fucking peckerwoods.
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YourAyatollah -
I was gonna do something new and exciting and badass and spiffy and other superlatives, but why do all of that when you can just do what you've always done and pass it off as "tradition"?
Okay, that's not entirely true. I actually look forward to this and, after having been around for about 7 or 8 years, really do consider it something of a tradition, if only for me. I had to skip last year, so hey, let's have some fun.
This bit, as always, is to be read to the tune of Wishlist by Pearl Jam. Here's a little help if you're unfamiliar.
I wish for Brother Bray to main event a P P V
I wish for Banks and Charlotte to set standards we've not seen
I wish for Daniel Bryan to be healthy and come on back
And if not then I hope he can accept and move along
I wish for Dallas to reign high among the Manias
So they'll return and I can live the dream at least one time
I wish for folks to recognize what wrestling's meant to be
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish that everybody could unite and just have fun
I wish we'd judge based on what is and not what we wish was
I wish for Ravishing Rick Rude to join the Hall of Fame
I wish Enzo and Cass would be the Realest Guys on Raw
I wish that Bayley would come up and teach the world to hug
I wish for Reigns, Owens and Dean Ambrose to be The Ones
I wish The Late Shift would grow even more so I'd get paid...
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SkitZ -
Beyond just playing babysitter, I consider myself to be pretty selfless (unlike the selfish bastards in this collab) so my wishlist doesn’t contain much. Wanna know what I’m craving in 2016? Well besides another whopper of a girl who’s bad for my health, I’d like to see Kevin Owens alone in the ring with Byron Saxton so he can emasculate that mute commentator even worse than Stephanie has the rest of the male roster. I want Bayley to meet Oliver at an NXT show and engage in a loving embrace. Sure we’re all smitten with her now but Oli’s the original fan boy around these parts.
Moving along, here’s hoping The Usos start receiving the initial New Day treatment for accepting a Slammy Award they neither earned nor deserved. Give me Tito versus Ray Hagan at the next Columania because that feud warrants a proper sendoff. And lastly, WWE needs to continue being innovative with the MITB concept dammit. It should be used to propel a guy forward like we witnessed early this year rather than halt someone’s progress which was the case at Survivor Series. You can’t be afraid to fuck up (unless we’re talking Steve Harvey levels of debauchery).
Before we wrap things up, former Main Page writer Snapple has a buddy who works at the post office and this friend of a friend was able to intercept a couple letters from various wrestling personalities. They’ve since landed in my inbox so why don’t we take a quick glimpse at what those people asked Santa for this Christmas…
A contract offer from Lucha Underground and another shot with Amy Schumer now that she’s made it big.
- Dolph
Popularity. I can’t sell all these Sheamus 5:15 shirts on my own. Thanks fella.
- Stupid
A less demanding schedule for my client, BROCKKKK LESNAR.
- Paul Heyman
A time machine would do me wonders, brother. That or a new identity.
- HH
What he ^ said. Thanks bro! #WWWYKI
- Zack
Hmmmmm how about a new heel to bury this spring? That’s literally all I can think of.
- Cena
Liposuction and rent money for January. Also, how does a handjob for a carton of smokes sound?
- Sunny
For management’s unwavering support and a legitimate WWE World Heavyweight Championship reign (keep me out of the Rumble match though).
EDIT: Nevermind. We’re all good.
P.S. Actually on second thought, I’ll take an Apple Watch.
- Roman