Terror illustrates my era
Now I can't hang around my mama cause I scare her
I'm quick to blast a motherfucker
(Yeah, what's up?)
It feels like I'm bustin' a nut
When I open you up
'Cause your body is exposed to the midnight mist
All you weak motherfuckers give my ring a kiss
'Cause I'm givin' dirt naps
'Coming with those bomb as raps
To make you lungs collapse
Perhaps, you never sleep
'Cause every time you doze
You catch blows to the motherfucking nose
Ain't seen the sun in 66 days
Let me count the ways in a fucked up maze
I never ever ever made a ho stay
But I'm down with Dre
Like KC is down with OJ
So fuck how you're livin'
I'm the unforgivin'
Psycho driven murderer
It's authentic, Don't panic
I can't stand it
Goddamnit
Schizophrenic
So fuck Charlie Manson
I'll snatch him out his truck
Hit him with a brick
And I'm dancin'
Mass murderer
Natural born killa
And I don't wanna die…
PRESENT:
HOMECOMING!
Rose: Welcome to LPW Homecoming, I am Rose Florecer. I am backstage to the war room where the general managers will draft the rosters for LPW’s Insanity and pYromania. While we wait tentatively for the arrival of pYro GM DJC, I will give you a little run down of how this works...
HERPE: Honey, you don’t have to await for anyone. For I am here and am in control of the first pick.
Rose: As the result of the brand warfare match from Altered Reality, that is correct.
HERPE: So, I will make my selection right now…
Herpe writes his selection on a sticky note and to Rose.
Rose: This is unexpected…
Smitten: Elroy! I see you are ready for the festivities.
HERPE: Well, of course. I am Insanity GM. If DJC would get a move on already, we could continue.
Smitten: Well, I guess you didn’t get the memo…
Smitten snaps his fingers and an intern runs up handing a document to HERPE
HERPE: (reading) Wait? What? HOW?
Smitten: Because I can.
The tone in which this is said causes an otherwise off-guard Pumpernickle to stifle his objections.
HERPE: That’s fine … I made my selection already.
Smitten: Then the floor is yours.
HERPE: With the number one pick in the LPW Draft, Insanity selects … CHRIS AUSTIN!
The arena boos loudly as Chris Austin appears in frame. Rose quickly makes herself scarce as she jabs the mic to Austin and quickly scampers off.
Austin: Seems as if Elroy here understands the concept of Occam’s Razor better than the rest of you lemmings.
HERPE: Smitten, you should get our interviewer in check.
CLAP: You need me to go get her boss?
Austin: I’ll take care of it. She had reason for her reaction...
Smitten: Speaking of taking care of something, I’ll go ahead and select GOLDEN with the second overall pick. You know, just in case. Never can be too prepared, right Christopher.
A lot of wonder from the crowd in response. HERPE smirks.
Austin: Is that a challenge?
Smitten: What do you think? Failure isn’t an option.
Austin: Betting against me is an option I thought you were better than. No one is immune from being taught, Smitten. Not even you.
Austin angrily leaves the room.
HERPE: Ha.
Smitten: What’s funny?
HERPE awkwardly clears his throat as Smitten stares a hole into him.
HERPE: I select the International Heavyweight Champion and Martinez cup winner, AL.
Stunned murmurs from the crowd
HERPE: Your pick, sir.
Smitten: The World Heavyweight Champion, Sixx King.
The crowd boos.
HERPE: Good choice.
Smitten pays the comment no mind, walking out of the room.
HERPE: Well, that is the first four selections of the draft. I see my colleague will need time to regroup and our backstage girl is incognito… so I send you to ringside where we have one of the greatest minds the industry has ever seen and Mass Chaos to call the action… Where the (beep) is Rose!?!
1. Austin (Insanity)
2. Golden (Pyro)
3. Al (Insanity)
4. Sixx (Pyro)
Ding! Ding!
"Dead White Guys" by Jim Johnston brings the crowd’s attention to the entryway.
PA Announcer: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a triple threat match.
Out walks Dustin Diamond through a minefield of gold fireworks.
PA Announcer: Coming down the aisle, from New York City…
Crowd slightly pops at the mention of New York City.
PA Announcer: Weighing in at 210 lbs. DUSTIN DIAMOND!
Chaos: This man is making his debut here in front of a very boisterous crowd.
Rik: The pop, the circumstance, the pyro… the man has it all!
Chaos: he also has a target on his back. He’s been bringing up perfection to everyone in back. Now he has the chance to prove it.
Rik: Not only will he do so Mass Chaos, I predict big things here tonight in his debut.
PA Announcer: And his opponent. First, From Buffalo NY, weighing in at 215 lbs…
“You're The Best Around” by Joe Esposito begins.
PA Announcer: "THE CRIPPLED CRUSADER" CHRIS PARADISE!
Out comes Paradise being held up by his cane as he slowly hobbles his way to the ring. The people in the crowd murmur as he mocks their uncomfortable gazes.
Chaos: This man is sick.
Rik: You want us to lose our sponsors?
Chaos: No! I mean… crap…
Rik: Let me tell you. This man isn’t sick like my broadcast colleague says, Chris Paradise is quite an inspiration. Yeah, you take advantage of him because he wasn’t born with stronger legs. LOOK AT HIM! He comes out with a cane and needs to be helped with lowering the ropes so he can climb into the ring, yet he is going to beat the other two within an inch of sobriety. He’s a bloody cripple. PITY HIM!
"One Last Stand" by Xplore Yesterday leads the crowd into a cheer.
PA Announcer: And finally, from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Weighing in at 255lbs, Gavin O’Connor!
Chaos: This young man is an impressive blue chipper. Yes, his past is a little murky, but it seems like he has found his outlet as a professional wrestler.
Rik: He’s the least experienced on the three. You mean to tell me that dim dodgy duff from a correction facility can come into a federation like this and simply win titles?
Chaos: He isn’t wrestling for a title.
Rik: Ah, a truther. Hit that nail right on the head. Look at him, he’s an uncoordinated goomba. We need to employ fewer twits.
Chaos: He was simply slapping hands with an overzealous female fan. Wait!
As O’Connor steps through the ropes, Diamond and Paradise go on the offensive with punches to his gut.
Rik: Looks like they didn’t like this glad handing evildoer.
Chaos: They are working over the Brawler from the Bayou. Irish whip by Diamond and a knee lift to the midsection sends the large man to a coughing fit.
Rik: Possibly setting up for his patented 450 splash.
Chaos: Look at Paradise digging his nails into the face of Gavin. Some communication between the two men in control. Paradise holds up O’Connor.
Rik: Diamond with a head of steam.
Chaos: O’Connor… DODGES! Paradise got nailed instead with a picturesque spinning heel kick!
Rik: Rookie mistake!
Chaos: Diamond spins around and is met by a jumping lariat!
Rik: Okay, that was good.
Chaos: O’Connor gathering his wits and is now on the offensive. A series of right hands to Diamond. Irish whip into the corner… FOLLOWED IN WITH A BOWLING SHOE UGLY CORNER CLOTHESLINE! Irish Whip again,
Rik: Locomotive incoming...
Chaos: AND ANOTHER!
Rik: He’s beating him around the joint like he owes him money.
Chaos: One more Irish Whip. Motions to the crowd. Head of steam…
As Gavin charges he is met by a swift swing of a cane right in the lower abdomen.
Chaos: REF!
Rik: Triple threat, NO DQ! Brill move by the Crippled Crusader. Or as I will call him from now on, The American Crusader.
Chaos: Well, whatever you call him, he’s laying into Gavin. Each shot exquisitely placed in the breadbasket. The area they’ve targeted from the start. He tries to rise, but is knocked down again with the weapon. The crowd doesn’t like these antics by the newcomer from upstate New York.
Rik: How could they chastise a man of such inspiration like him?
Chaos: O'Connor slowly rising, strike to the spine sends O’Connor sprawling. Gavin up, wait… CANE AIDED RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP!
Rik: Told you! This should be it!
Cov…
As Chris Paradise tries to hurry for a cover, he is grabbed by the trunks by Diamond.
Chaos: Wait!
Rik: Diamond!
Chaos: Diamond was just sent into the corner post!
Rik: I guess that’s one way to remove the weapon from play.
Chaos: Diamond with a front face lock on Gavin, motions for a DDT! Gavin lifts!
Rik: CRIKEY!
Chaos: SNAKE EYES IN THE CORNER! The man's chin struck the top turnbuckle right above the recovering Paradise. O’Connor off the far ropes with a head of steam…
Chris Paradise reacts quickly and shoves Diamond from behind causing him to react.
Rik: Diamond leaps, Standing Hurricanrana!
Chaos: DIAMOND COUNTERED WITH AN AMAZING MOVE! SPIKED HIM ON HIS HEAD!
Rik: Paradise from behind!
Chaos: COME ON! Now he’s waylaying on Diamond with that forsaken weapon…
Rik: Assisted walking tool.
Chaos: Another strike and…
Rik: Ow…
Chaos: Sends him bailing harshly to the outside. Diamond may have landed hard out here. Paradise seems pleased with himself.
Rik: I like confidence in my heroes.
Chaos: Connor slaps at the man knocking the cane out of the ring.
Rik: First good move of the night by that Rubbage Garbage Criminal Guy.
Chaos: Muay Thai clinches by Paradise and a pinpoint knee strike to the abdomen of O’Connor. Uh-oh.
Rik: No Affect. He hits him again!
Chaos: O’Connor is smiling. He’s asking him to hit him a third time. Blocked! LEG TRAPPED! LIFTING! POWERBOMB! Both men down! That may have taken everything out of him but it was a very needed counter to keep this match alive.
Rik: These NYC parasites are rooting against their home state men. Clear Off! The betrayal from these beastly individuals!
Chaos: Connor pulling himself up by the ropes raises his hands. The crowd squarely behind him. Furious right hands from the big man has him backing him into the corner.
Keeping his wits above him, and blocking some of the strikes, Paradise ducks a right hook and grabs Gavin by his belt buckle. He shifts weight and rolls him up.
Chaos: Jab, left, right…
Rik: Ducked!
Chaos: Roll-up! TIGHTS! FEET ON THE ROPES!
ONE!
TWO!!
As the hand starts to drop, Diamond knocks the feet off the second rope allowing Gavin to get a desperate kick out.
Rik: THAT WAS ALMOST THREE!
Chaos: Gavin barely out the door with aid from Diamond.
Rik: Diamond’s on the apron now.
Chaos: SWING AND A HOME RUN AS DIAMOND NAILS PARADISE IN THE JAW WITH HIS OWN CANE!
Rik: He must have picked it up from the outside! He almost decapitated…
Chaos: THUNDEROUS UPPERCUT! Gavin caught Dustin climbing through the ropes. He motions to the crowd. He mentioned this to me earlier in the week. This will be his version of the Jack Hammer!
Rik: They’ve worked on his core all match, I am not sure…
Chaos: He’s struggling, but he powers through! DEGAVITATION! COVER!
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
Gavin wins his debut!
PA Announcer: Winner of this match, GAVIN O’CONNOR!
O'Connor - 3.91 APS + 2.0 vote = 5.91
Paradise - 3.23 APS + 0.2 Vote = 3.43
Diamond - 1.32 APS + 0.2 vote = 1.52
"One Last Stand" by Xplore Yesterday plays as the ref raises Gavin’s hand in victory. The crowd responds in kind with an ovation for his efforts..
Chaos: Impressive debut from newcomer Gavin O’Connor!
Rik: So I guess that perfect wrestler will have a loss because of stupid rules that allow weapons, and distractions… My hero is still out cold. SOMEONE GET HIM A MEDIC!
Chaos: Homecoming is under away with a win by the Bruiser from the Bayou!