WrestleMania II Review for Geeks & Cool Kids Alike
Well as American Mikey P humbly turns back to his WWF roots, I can only hope they can finally deliver a show better than the NWA at this time, but if memory serves me right this WM sucked. Vince once again stealing a Crockett idea by having his super show in multiple cities. But Vince being the legit boss that he is does it bigger and better. Oh you want rink-a-dink NC and GA, I’ll stretch mine across the greatest piece of land in the world. From NY to Chicago all the way to fucking LA baby. Though for whatever reason this show apparently is on a fucking Monday. Did anyone else know this? Was Vince going through some crazy religious phase observing a Sunday for some reason? A fucking Monday…anyway from the pits of Atlanta to the lights of New York…oh wait its fucking Long Island…Jesus Vince what the fuck.
WrestleMania II "What the World is Coming to"
April 7 1986
Nassau Coliseum, Long Island, NY
Rosemont Horizon, Chicago, IL
Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena, LA, CA
Attn: 40,085 (combined)
Analyzing for the Geeks
Mr. Wonderful vs Don Muraco
We have the battle of roid heads here. Mr Wonderful’s has this cool little mannerism when he disrobes which a ton of fans mimic in the stands, kind of like the NXT fans do with the Vaudevillians. Crowd is red hot here, and we have some nice classic formal chain wrestling which ends in a count out for some reason. That is right the opening match of the biggest show of the year ends in a count out and a fast one at that. I’d also like to mention that Mr. Wonderful gives Mr. Fugi slanty eyes to kick this one off. Now he was at Hogan’s B-day celebration at Raw exactly a year ago right? Just checking.
Grade: F+ for a hot crowd. We have Susan St. James on commentary talking about ancient Chinese techniques, McMahon thinks Orndorff is going to get DQed for using a chair even though the match has ended already, the crowd is chanting BS, the Fink doesn't know how to give the decision, George the Animal Steele is already in the ring acting like an extra from American Horror Story, Mr. T is cutting a promo with a midget and Joe Frazer, while Fink talks over him, and if all that doesn't give you an idea to what a cluster fuck the start of WM 2 is, then this will. Paul’s tights are missing the W of Wonderful. Absolutely hysterical. We might be in for a long night folks at least it will be a funny one.
Intercontinental Championship
Macho Man (c) vs George the Animal Steele
“Freaks in freaks out”…Liz is bringing the fire here tonight in that dress wich matches Macho’s robe perfectly. Susan is completely repulsed by Macho Man and obsessed with The Animal. She doesn't understand why Liz is with Savage and not George. I can only imagine what she brings home then. I always loved this feud for some reason, WWF story telling at its best. Many people believe Liz was just eye candy, nope not at all. Liz is a genius, she plays the cute little innocent manager while knowing very well that Savage is using her as a distraction, diabolical really. Liz you sly sexy fox you. St. James is actually unintentionally funny on the mic here, at one point Vince asks out loud what George is going to do with Macho’s face, Susan responds, “He’s going to eat his nose”, and she is probably spot on. AMP is not happy that that hairy slob kicked out of THE flying elbow. I mean give me a break. Not to mention its ok for George to cheat and not Macho…biased commentary all around here folks, and I for one will not stand for it. Long live the Madness.
Grade: C- it was a fun match in my opinion with a decent story being told. And I am a sucker for the feet on the rope pin, Rollins needs to pull that one out of the bag one of these days. Stud and Bill Fralic have an entertaining promo, while Susan and Vince talk about snakes to the point that it is very clear she will be fucking Vinny boy and not The Animal tonight.
Jake the Snake vs George Wells
No idea who Wells is, all I know is that he is wearing KC Royals baseball pants and shockingly has an impressive move set which includes an incredible standing head scissors. Jake is also incredibly drunk here or sells moves better than anyone I have ever seen. I’m going with the former. Stone Mountain, GA is still the coolest sounding place ever.
Grade: D- and I’m being way too generous here, but Wells sells the snake body wrap like a champ. There is no doubt in my mind now that Vince and Susan fucked after or before this show, when Vince says, “Does that snake remind you of anyone?” Vince gana Vince.
Boxing Match
Mr. T vs Roddy Piper
This might be the greatest celebrity feud of all time in pro wrestling. However, whoever thought people would want to watch a fucking fake boxing match are certifiably insane, unless of course this is a Rocky movie. This is the match that finally turned Piper good. Sometimes you are just so good at being bad people love you, hello Sasha Banks. The crowd is certainly mixed in this one though, T was booed but there were plenty of T chants too, so that myth of him being booed out of the building needs to be put to bed by American Mikey P. If I was there I would have booed the hell out of him, he's just not a likable guy.
Grade: D for Piper’s antics. Clear as day by the way that Piper is the biggest racist the WWE ever had, I mean this guy was getting away with KKK shit practically. For the record Piper says he would never paint himself black…that promise lasted four years. Anyway lets get the fuck out of Long Island and head to Chicago because those fans got raped with that card.
Womens Title
Fabulous Moolah (c) vs Velvet Mcintyre
So Chicago is treated to a really hot opener with some 70 year old bag vs Mcintyre. I fucking hate Moolah, fucking hater , like fuck her. This bag of dust and bones is getting a senior circuit breaker credit on her taxes and she's winning matches. Hogan gets shit, HHH gets shit, and Cena gets shit for winning and this old bag gets a pass for showing her tits when she was 98 years old on Raw. Such BS.
Grade: F- at least we have Monsoon on commentary here in Chicago. Did the WWF always kick off each card with a chorus of boos? Solid framework there. Kathy Lee Crosby is smoking by the way.
How this old bag kept her other foot out of the grave for another 20 years is beyond me.
Corporal Kirchner vs Nikolai Volkoff
So this is a flag match, and by flag match I mean the winner gets to wave their flag. Ok then. The good news is we get our first busted head, if this was NWA we would have already had the blood drive trucks here sucking up the canvas. The bad news is another awful match. Freddy my main man decides to throw his cane to Volkoff who is out on his feet from punches which leads to the GI Joe intercepting it with ease and nailing the friendly communist.
Grade: F+ because the crowd was eating this up. Pass me a drink until Hogan gets on the card, this is brutal. Someone tell me how Vince killed the NWA with is crap again.
Battle Royal
American Mikey P is going to say it, this is genius fucking booking here getting the NFL guys involved. In fact I would watch an NFL vs WWE Battle Royal at WM this year, sure the geeks would complain about Finn Balor being left off the card, but I would pay big money to watch Cesaro King Swing Richard Sherman and so would the rest of America. I just want to say this real quick, Dan Spivey looks like a young Steve Austin. Personally I enjoyed this and so was the crowd, they were standing from the get go, it was quite the impressive site as soon as the bell rang. And if you are a geek and not down with the action Ernie Ladd makes up for it on commentary, “He took a bump right on his ass” or “He’s going to have a headache for a week”. Good stuff there Ernie boy.
Grade: C- and I’m not ashamed to admit it either, because I have no shame when it comes to this circus called Pro Wrestling. Who would have ever thought that the Fridge would have played such a role in the booking of the 1992 Rumble by mimicking his and Studd’s spot with Hogan and Sid. Bet you folks never caught that huh. AMP mind fucking you out of no where with that analysis. PS who would have never thought Bret Hart in his generic black and blue tights would become the face of the company 10 years later. Hard work pays off kids.
Piper just cut another racist promo about Mr.T’s "bristly" hair scratching his face and about dying his skin black, we will just sweep that under the rug, nothing to see here unless TMZ reports on it.
Tag Team Championship
The British Bulldogs vs The Dream Team (c)
I fucking love the Bulldogs. I think they are my favorite tag team of all time outside of maybe LOD. Regardless the Dogs took Beefcake and the Hammer to Suplex City in this one. Started off a little slow but picked up beautifully and had those future CM Punk loser fans on fire by the end of it. I Remember reading Dynamite’s book and something happened to him this match or prior to it so he pretty much died on the outside of the ring as no one helped him aside from Davey. Meanwhile Lou and Ozzy are celebrating with the belts while the champs are outside because the Kid is in Fruit Loop Land. Kind of funny, kind of sad.
Grade: C maybe a little generous but I loved the ending out of nowhere, and Mean Gene’s call after the pin was fucking awesome and made it that much more exciting. “The British Bulldogs for ever”! Well so far the Windy City has the better show, lets see what happens in fancy LaLa Land.
Ricky Steamboat vs Hercules
The Dragon is almost as big as Hernandez here, so enough of the clean boy image, this guy is clearly a juice head. I actually really like the threesome on commentary with Jesse, Elvira, and Lord Alfred. I use to jack off to Elvira’s movie in my early teen years before the glorious days of easy access internet porn. She is the queen of curves. At one point in the match she calls Steamboat a wimp for wearing a bandana around his leg…awesome.
Grade: C nice little opener here, Hernandez was impressive too. That monster even went to the top rope in this one, of course the doofus missed but nice effort. Can’t “telegraph” those moves brother, thats 80s wrestling 101. This LA crowd is red hot.
Adrian Adonis vs Uncle Elmer
How did Adonis go from greaser to crossdresser in a matter of months? And who in the blue hell decided to make Elmer from PHILLY? Like how the hell does that even make sense, tell me the announcer fucked up there. At least Jimmy Hart’s jacket is straight fire balls. Anyway this match is absolutely hysterical. Elmer throws a punch which connects and he is so fat that his momentum takes him down with the punch, Jesse does a wonderful job covering it up but American Mikey P had to pause his network because I couldn't stop laughing. After the match Adonis puts a gift bow on Elmer’s ass which a fan takes off him as he walks back to the locker room. Wonder if that thing is worth any money. Elvira is making fun of both guys cellulite, and making fun of fat people is always funny. Sorry I’m an asshole.
Grade: D+ and I kind of want to give it a C-. It is not good by any means but its not bad either. Entertaining at the very least even if its by accident. The Adorable One bumps like a mother fucking champion. Still have never seen Uncle Elmer win match.
Funk Brothers vs JYD & Tito Santana
I don’t like any of these guys in the ring. Terry Funk tries way to hard to be a heel here and at some points looks like he is wrestling drunk. Elvira for some odd reason wants to see their tights rip off and also seems completely fascinated by Tito who she calls the dark colored one. Match does pick up nice when complete chaos ensues outside the ring. We even see JYD put Terry through a table.
Grade: C- for a nice little brawl here that had the crowd going wild. But lets get to the real shit here…its Hulkamania time.
World championship Cage Match
Hulk Hogan (c) vs King Kong Bundy
The blue cage is and will always be the BEST cage and they should go back to it, vintage is in and AMP is always caught up on the latest styles from Old Navy. Hulk Hogan’s entrance at WM 2 is one of the greatest of all time. The legend climbs the cage, rips his shirt off on top of it, points at Bundy, with a mouth full of bandana. Orgasm City baby. People always talk about how big and bad the geeky fans from Chicago are today, well these LA fans booed the shit out of every celebrity in the building tonight, looks like things haven't changed that much. Hogan is such a good seller that there is not a doubt in my mind that Elvira thinks this match is actually real. She is screaming for it to stop at one point because of the blood. God bless Hulkamania. Oh, by the way, Hogan was cutting promos with 100 lb dumbbells hanging from his neck, amazing vitamins there, amazing. AMAZING all around...bravo.
Grade: C+ here and deservedly so. This was a very underrated match here. AMP doesn't care about what the historians and geeks of the wrestling community think, this sucker was entertaining. There were some brutal looking spots for this time period and Bundy was taking bumps like a cruiserweight for the Hulkter. Far better than that cage match in Hillbillyville a couple years ago.
Our next segment is brought to you by...
The Stuff that Really Matters for Cool Kids
Fan of the Night:
How can you not go with the guy posing as Mr. Wonderful, absolute savage move for 1986.
Chant of the Night:
“Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit”. Thats right folks a Wrestlmania show starts off with that chant, imagine that today?
Sign of the Night:
For all its glory the 80s are killing AMP’s game here, couldn't make any out.
Quote of the Night:
“He is using ancient Chinese techniques” ~ Susan St Claire on Mr Wonderful’s wrestling style. Maybe I should stop complaining about Michael Cole?
Guilty Pleasure:
Velvet McItyre’s looks. Ok I’ll take a lap now.
Best Dressed:
Adrian Adonis…just kidding. Piper’s corner’s outfits were fucking awesome.
Worst Dressed:
Gorilla Monsoon’s shiny red/black plush suit was a disaster. That man rocked some flamboyant looking suits, how did I never notice this before. How did he get away with that on TV?
Hottest Diva:
Liz simple as that, good luck competing with her as long as I write these things. Though competition was tough with all three female guest commentators coming in with guns firing smoke.
Biggest Pop:
Hogan. Haters gana hate Hulkster gana Hulk. Close second with Refrigerator Perry in Chicago. But one time champs don’t dethrone Hogan, unless they are 4 time champs last name starting with B.
Tweet of the Night:
You are being too generous Alan.
Spot of the Night:
Loved the reverse tombstone Valentine did on Dynamite Kid, didn't Kid make that one famous?
Moment of the Night:
Ray Charles singing the National Anthem is unreal here. Its like Springsteen or U2 performing at WM now. Won’t ever happen. Thats how big wrestling was back then.
All American:
Probably should be Hogan again, but American Mikey will be booed out of the CF if I keep sucking that guys dick. So I’ll give it to Piper who pretty much went face after this and was all over this card from a promo and match stand point.
Match of the Night:
That goes to Hogan suckers, sorry not sorry. By far the most exciting match of the night with the most at stake. Hogan is a performer and that is why he makes the big bucks.
Fans/Venue
B- probably should be a C+ but this was a passionate bunch, they booed when they were not happy and they cheered when they were. Plus the Rosemont venue was stunning with the red mats around the ring, very unique.
Final Grade:
D Yowzers!!! WWF you actually suck. My childhood has been a lie so far. Though most of the matches were complete shit, the show was a spectacle which is what it was meant to be. Not for nothing they had some A list celebrities here, in fact a bunch of them. Joe Frazier is an actual two timing whore, NWA one year, WWF the next. I’d also love to know how they booked three big time female guest commentators. Show was entertaining but not worth anyones time going back to unless they want to see a couple memorable moments. At least Vince’s commentary didn't cut out half the show…NWA I’m looking at you. You have no one to blame but yourself here for losing this war.
Till next time folks,
Love Your Country
Respect Your Parents
And Tip You Bartenders
American Mikey P