Starrcade 85' Review for Geeks & Cool Kids Alike
Well after that fucking disgrace put on by my bread and butter wrestling company I have to say I’m happy to be back watching NWA. I mean christ all mighty Vince, the Wrestling Classic was atrocious. So Starrcade 85 apparently was done in two locations and here I was thinking WM 2 was the progressive event for that idea. Crockett what the fuck happened man? I mean you had every major idea before Vince, yet you legit got your ass kicked as he cuckholded you with your own creations. Oh that’s right you hillbillies didn't see anything in Hulk Hogan. Thank god, Hogan probably would have been laying down to Dusty’s fat ass every night. Too soon? Anyway lets hope this is better than what WWF has put out in 1985. This is also called the Gathering for some reason…kind of like a KKK meeting. Get it because it's the South...womp womp.
Starrcade 85 "The Gathering"
November 28, 1985
Greensboro Coliseum, Greensboro, NC
The Omni, Atlanta, GA
Attn: 30,000 (combined)
Analyzing for the Geeks
Mid Atlantic Title
Sam Houston vs Krusher Khrushchev
All ready off to a great start, Crocket opened his cheap little pockets and had a real video package to start the show off kind of like the Wrestling Classic not to mention the Star Spangled Banner was epic here. AND we start off with an actual title match, not bad NWA, not bad at all. Sam Houston has the body of a freaking 12 year old and his annoying antics of spinning his dumb finger in the air already make me hate him. Smash is playing the role of a Russian, seems like the NWA has quite the amount of Russians on their roster. This match ends with Smash hitting a pretty sick clothesline but Houston has the foot on the rope which the ref doesn't see and apparently nor does the announce team. Oh, and the ref is dressed like the Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George.
Grade: D+ Houston is pretty slick and quick and the match isn’t that bad because of it but eh, there isn't much to praise. Fun little ending though, too bad we couldn't get commentary on it.
Mexican Death Match
Abdullah the Butcher vs Manny Fernandez
So I was pumped as shit for this match based on the name alone, then realized a Mexican Death Match is actually a Sombrero on a Pole Match. Well needless to say that is a fucking let down. Abdullah entered the arena already fucking bleeding, total psycho he also almost falls on his way down the aisle which is hilarious because he appears to get pissed at a fan who may or may not have made fun of him for it. The Raging Bull enters looking like one of the brothers from NES’ Contra with a cowboy flair to it, nothing wrong with that brother. This match is a fucking blood bath from the get go and I dig it. Manny hits a Code Breaker and also has insane distance from the top rope. Best part of this match is Abdullah using a foreign object and nailing Hernandez in the balls with it, absolute savage move. I must say though this commentary is terrible, there are like long periods of time where there is just silence. What was Gordie on the sauce that night and couldn't make it? PS: Manny was able to hit a decent suplex on the big man which was rather impressive.
Grade: C- More fucking Sombrero matches please. This was great. You can't beat a guy running around in his socks covered in blood hitting a guy with his boot. I’d love to know if this was the same $200 sombrero from Starrcade 84’. OH apparently one of Manny’s moves is the flying burrito, you can't make this stuff up people.
American Mikey P Note: Umm apparently Krusher doesn't even pretend to be Russian he has a full blown Midwest accent. He also looks like Bud from Home Alone.
Texas Bull Rope Match
Ron Bass vs Black Bart
So this is just a Dog Collar match with a rope and a cowboy bell around the wrists, let me tell you that bell is a brutal weapon and makes a great sound on the skull. Another bloody mess, unfortunately this one isn't as good as the previous brawl. Both are just sloppy out of shape bastards, especially Bart who has the legs of a fat pregnant lady. Dillon also stole my man Boogy Woogy’s tuxedo t-shirt from the previous year. We have another great spot where Bass pulls the rope up Bart’s crotch. Ron wins so he gets Dillon for five minutes which makes no sense since as soon as you pin someone the match is over, but that is just southern logic I guess. This below average showing ends with a pile driver and American Mikey P loves pile drivers so I’m cool with that.
Grade: D+ because the crowd was really into this one. I have to say this again, the commentary is legit non existent, I’m not sure if there are technical difficulties or what but it is killing the show. If it is technical difficulties I understand since electricity is probably a new concept there, but if it is because Schiovani has no idea what he is doing then wow this show almost becomes unwatchable.
Superstar Billy Graham vs The Barbarian
This is the only time I will ever say this, Hulk Hogan is a complete rip off of Graham haha. Like it is beyond obvious with those tie dye pants. But Hogan does it way better, lets be honest. Anyway at least Billy Boy got rid of that terrible karate gimmick. So we are going to start this match off with an arm wrestling match that has the crowd going completely nuts. Then once that fun ends we will have a match. Not sure I understand the logic but whatever. Superstar is a terrible wrestler as far as I’m concerned despite only seeing like three of his matches in my life. No wonder why Barbarian got the hell out of dodge to meet his good friends Mr. Fugi and Warlord. That is the same Barbarian right, or did Vince just say fuck you NWA I’m stealing that idea too? The arm wrestling is way better than the actual wrestling.
Grade: D But a fucking LOW D. Im giving it a D because the crowd loved it and there have been some incredible blade jobs. Oh and if you didn't know Barbarian has no idea how to arm wrestle because you know…he’s a barbarian and all. Kayfab at its best.
National Title: Whatever the fuck that is
Buddy Landel vs Terry Taylor (c)
I have no idea what the hell the National Title is, fucking generic belt as far as I’m concerned. Im sure the geeks will be enraged and list off a ton of guys that held it but whatever. I’ve always hated Taylor I blame that on the WWF’s Rooster gimmick but I also hate this guy Landel and I have no idea who he is. First I thought, what the fuck this guy is legit ripping off Ric Falir from his look and his mannerisms, come to realize that is his gimmick. So a heel is ripping of another heel? The match is boring and full of rest holds especially wrist locks, though one of them had Buddy nail Terry with a viscous forearm. Highlight here is JJ comes back in a Heenan suit and is all bandaged up.
Grade: D Pretty cool spot in the ending where JJ causes Landel to land on top during super-plex for the win. Spot looked somewhat dangerous too.
National Tagteam Titles
Minnesota Wrecking Crew (c) vs Wahoo McDaniel & Billy Jack Hayes
Minnesota Wrecking Crew is one fucking hell of a name for a team. As for the belts I have no idea what the difference between the US tag belts are and the National tag belts. Apparently only the National title is up for grabs tonight. AMP is a huge fan of Hayes and I have no idea why. Always thought it was cool that he represented the Oregon Ducks. As far as his partner goes, when the fuck is Wahoo retiring, I can't watch another show with this shmuck on it. He sucks. There is a lot of fucking closed fists punches from the faces here JR…
Grade D+ I don’t know maybe it’s a C-. The Andersons live up to their team’s name and have great chemistry. The announcers want to label them cheaters which they do wind up cheating to win but everything up to that last spot was all legal as far as I'm concerned. They just work the system better than that old fart McDaniel.
American Mikey P Note: JJ is in the back with that old man librarian Weaver desperately trying to put Crocket and Starrcade over as the best thing to ever happen to wrestling. Meanwhile Hogan is probably sitting in his dressing room at Saturday Night Live counting his money for fun before the show starts.
United States Championship I Quit Cage Match
Magnum TA vs Tully Blanchard (c)
So apparently this match is legendary, I’ve never seen it and usually I would be like, oh the geeks are just trying to sound smart. But since Tully Blanchard is in it I’m willing to listen to them because he was awesome at last year’s event. The problem watching these shows on the network is that the WWE doesn't have licensing for all the music and it takes away from my viewing pleasure because Blanchard’s entrance looks epic, minus that Ms. Piggy looking thing. I mean is Baby Doll NWA’s answer to Ms. Elizabeth? YIKES! Swing and a miss there. Magnum’s chest hair is off the charts amazing. Might be the greatest in pro wrestling history. This match is absolutely brutal. Tully’s arm is one of the most disturbing blade jobs I have ever seen, if that is even a blade job. The wooden chair being thrown in the ring to be used as a stake is beyond disturbing which in my opinion makes the match. TA is ridiculously over. Oh, I’m not sure Crocket could have picked a worse ref for an I Quit Match. Hebner doesn’t even know how submitting works. Speaking of Hebner he gets his ass kicked multiple times in this match by Blanchard and just accepts it and is fully recovers after each small beating within minutes. At least fucking sell Earl.
Grade: B+ The drama is excellent here and if I knew the build up better I’d say this would of been one hell of a match. Far better than what Flair and Race put on a couple years ago. Maybe I’m in the moment but Magnum might have been a solid answer for the NWA to compete with Hogan. Too bad he got hurt.
I mean talk about a stud muffin. TA so dreamy, so dreamy.
Atlanta Street Fight
Midnight Express vs Jimmy Valiant & Ms. Atlanta Lively
Boogy Woogy Man is back baby! He’s the god damn king of gimmick matches. Apparently an Atlantic Street fight is just code for a tranny brawl. Cornette cuts a great intro promo for his team. Jim seems to get a bad rep these days but he was always entertaining to me. You have the Express in tuxedos while Ronnie Garvin is dressed like a women and he is only a little less ugly than Baby Doll. Take that comment how you will. Then there is this generic looking Sensational Sherri. Im also not sure if she is black or white, she def has a Rachel Dolezal thing going. This is complete chaos and starts off with baby powder exploding every where. There are clothes, powder, blood, fuck you name it its all over the ring. Jimmy Valiant throws one of the Express members 30 yards out in the stands. I love how geeky wrestling purist shit on the attitude era but then you go back in time and have matches like this that just scream late 90s. Amazing how revisionist history works, if I dint know better I’d say this match was straight from ECW.
Grade: C- This was fun shit and I was fully entertained throughout like I am for most Boogy Woogy Man matches. If anyone knows where I can get one of his shirts please let me know. American Mikey P would rock that thing to every party I go to.
NWA Tagteam World Titles Cage Match
Rock N Roll Express vs The Koloffs (c)
Ok so are these the real World Tag Team belts? Because so far this genre has about 100 champions represented. Here is hoping that they are because those are the coolest tag belts I have ever seen. Fit for royalty. American Mikey P never understood the draw that the Rock N Roll Express had. The ladies fucking love these guys yet they are absolutely ugly as sin. Are they or are they not suppose to be teen heartthrobs, because they look like 35 year old pedofiles. I always liked that you could have a tag match in a cage but I never understood why anyone would ever listen to the ref, he has no power other than counting to three. Why bother going to the corner? I’ll let JR explain that one, since everything made so much more sense back then. The Express gets a HUGE pop with a win here, but let AMP lay some peanut butter down for ya. Ricky Morton is a chicken shit coward. Fucking guy couldn't climb out of the ring fast enough, leaving his poor partner to get a double Doomsday device with a chain across the neck. In fact it was fucking awesome because I hate these bums. To make things even more entertaining the Russians start beating up fans that are hopping the gate. Now they may not be fans but the announcers have once again check out so we are left in silence.
Grade: C- It wasn't bad it wasn't great. They ending was wonderful which saw a pin out of no man’s land. Morton also launches his own head into the cage for some reason, but that is what try hards do.
NWA World Championship
Ric Flair (c) vs Dusty Rhodes
I know Dusty just passed but that doesn't mean I’m changing my style, this guys is so out of shape and it will show in this match. For christ sakes his stomach is hanging out of his jacket. Not a t-shirt but a jacket. Now that is fat. Flair’s robe looks excellent here, with a nice Elvis flare to it. I’m going to quote the announcer here, “ As is custom we introduce the challenger first” . See, tradition people its not just me, we need to follow rules even if the NWA sucks. Now there is a fucking asshole somewhere in the crowd that is constantly yelling whoo the entire match, I know I tend to exaggerate here and there but this is no lie, this fucking dickhead practically makes this match unwatchable. No one takes the scull to a pole like Flair, its almost comical in the best way. Personally I love small package finishes especially reverse ones. Such and underrated move. Of course the two idiots calling this match take the climax right away because they are dead silent and the show pretty much just ends again like last year. Apparently Dusty gets stripped of the belt a couple days later because its not an American Dream match without a Dusty finish. Two Starrcarde main events ending in controversy. Now I know the geeks think American Mikey P should keep his opinions to himself on the NWA, but personally I think that is beyond dumb. Oh and how could I forget, the NWA Title looks like a fucking fancy license plate off some hillbilly car, couldn’t be more perfect for this company.
Grade: C Again another great ending but the match is just too slow for me because Dusty needs like 78 rest holds to catch his breath. I did love the leg damage psychology both guys were using. First three of these shows in the books and I think the main events have been utter crap for a show of this magnitude.
American Mikey P is on his way to the Cape to live that beach life for the weekend so lets hurry up and get to the real deal stuff.
The Stuff that Really Matters for Cool Kids
Fan of the Night:
Seriously pick your choice. you have the resident bingo hall groupies and then some freaking bleacher creature. That head yo.
Chant of the Night:
“Boom” or “Ohhh” Not sure which one it was but every strike that was thrown on this show garnered some sort of sound from the crowd, didn't matter who it was. Unfortunately for all I know the sound was edited by the network for this, so who knows. The only chant the southern crowd knows is “USA”.
Sign of the Night:
Jesus Christ it’s the mid 80s and we still cant get a sign down there. I expect that from Georgia but I figure NC would of at least had some educated people by 1985.
Guilty Pleasure:
Atlanta Street Fight. The concept is just too hysterical not to enjoy it.
Best Dressed:
Manny Fernandez Mexican cowboy get up is excellent add to the fact that he wrestled around in socks for half the match makes it even better. Anything done in just socks and no shoes is more fun…except sex, girls don’t like it when you wear socks in bed. But most of you don’t need to worry about that.
Worst Dressed:
Im giving it to Baby Doll. She looks like a piece of white trash insurance company secretary…fuck her. Put a little effort in to it toots.
Hottest Diva:
Only took the NWA two years but they starting to get the idea that sex sells. Now neither of their choices are what you would call knockouts but down there moonshine would make any pig look fuckable. I’ll give it to Big Mama in a Jesery shore sexy sort of way.
Quote of the Night:
"Big Mama is a Man" ~ Some hick who probably fucks sheep, none the less pretty funny.
Pop of the Night:
Gotta go with Magnum TA but the Rock N Roll Express was close after they took the belts off the Russians.
Tweet of the Night:
That is exactly what that is, I should have known. Now on when I review a Fugi match, there will be no more salt just an 8 ball.
Spot of the Night:
The wood to the eyes is historically epic but the fork to the balls is historically unheard of by Butcher to Hernandez.
Moment of the Night:
Magnum, after he wins the match he looks at Tully who might as well be dying in a pool of his own blood and just walks out of the ring with the belt looking like a boss, leaving his opponent with that cow Baby Doll.
All American of the Night:
I legit flipped a coin here between Magnum and Tully. Magnum won with tails I always choose tails so you can see that I really wanted TA to go over here. And he did. TA the man of the night.
Match of the Night
Not really close here. Magnum TA vs Tully Blanchard. An absolute epic tail of two guys that really appeared to hate each other filled with blood, crying, and swearing. Truly phenomenal for this time period IMO.
Fans/Venue
C A high one though. This crowd was fairly hot for most of the show. I think the Coliseum was more into it than the Omni but I also think they were treated to a better show with two cage matches. Still love that dingy feel to these shows. The smoky crowd with the Winston sign high above the arena is a pretty cool image. Also probably why most of these hicks are probably dead. Tons of old people here though.
Final Grade
C- Our first fucking OK grade from these retro reviews. And American Mikey P thinks it is well deserved. Some good old fashion wrestling fun with some absolute duds but also some classic battles. I think the main event scene for the first three Starrcade’s have been an absolute disgrace and am beginning to think Flair is vastly overrated in the ring. I don’t care if you wrestle 60 minutes every night, your matches up to this point have been above average at best. Not too mention there hasn't been one clean finish at one of these events. The glaring issue with this show is that those two jabronies in the booth were fucking awful and really killed the show from a TV perspective. Half the show was silence or some annoying billy bob in the stands yelling something racist or sexist. I would also be curious with how the two locations worked out for the NWA here. Was there a screen in NC so they could watch what was going on in GA and vice versa? Regardless at this point NWA is winning the actual wrestling quality war but it is clear as day why the WWF beat the snot out of them and I have one word for ya…Production. The story of the south they couldn't evolve with out slavery and in the 80s their wrestling couldn't evolve with technology.
Till next time folks,
Love Your Country
Respect Your Parents
And Tip You Bartenders
American Mikey P