WrestleMania 31 Review for Geeks & Cool Kids Alike
Ranting Before Reviewing
This time of year is always one of my favorites, March Madness, the NCAA Wrestling Championships, and of course WrestleMania. WrestleMania is my second favorite entertainment event of the year behind the SuperBowl. It is always a good show, I don’t care if you don’t like the booking, the main event, or the wrestlers, it has delivered almost every year. With that said the build for this years was very lack luster, I don’t deny it, but if anyone counted this show out before it started you just don’t get it. Shame on you people for canceling your network and claiming you were never going to watch again until things changed. You idiots just missed one of the greatest wrestling shows of all time. It was an epic journey from start to finish.
Now enough bitching, American Mikey P and his crew loved every second of it. I had to watch it twice just so I could write a proper review for you maggots, because unlike some “fans” I’m not sitting there typing away about why WWE sucks at a “friend’s” house who just so happens to have the network, I’m at a bar crushing beers, chanting “Yes”, taunting Undertaker fans, and begging to see a Big Leg or a Stunner (Cena granted one wish). Thats right get a couple beers in good ole AMP and I’ll root on some hillbilly that beats women up. Speaking of which the fucking freaks that pack bars for this type of show are straight out of band class. Like if you people are wondering where all those degenerate ECW fans are just go to a bar for a wrestling event apparently they are not extinct. Thankfully the normal, good looking, well rounded people like myself even the playing field. I have never seen more pissed off waitresses in my life, if you go to a bar and get a table order fucking drinks, literally half the bar was drinking waters, cheap fucks.
This typical basement dweller geeky wrestling fan at the bar, who by the way showed up by himself with a smoking scull belt was absolutely fed up with me and my buddies half way through. When I said I wanted Bray to put Taker down like Old Yeller I thought this kid was going to go all columbine on us. Same kid also thought HHH's entrance was too much, seriously I guarantee he’s one of the posters here that just bitches 24-7 about the WWE. He also walked out of the bar all upset saying it was rigged. When has it not been rigged bud...
Now lets go get our inner geek on and review America’s favorite bastard child, WrestleFuckingMania.
Analyzing for the Geeks:
TagTeam Championship
Tyson Kid & Cesaro (c) vs The Usos vs Los Matadores vs The New Day
I much would have preferred the Tag Champs having a traditional feud because I love Tyson & Cesaro together, in fact I think they deserve more mic time, I don’t care what the uneducated geeks say, these two are good on the mic, the haters are ignorant. Part of me feels the tag belts should be featured on the main card, I’m a traditionalist what can I say, but I’m not sure which match you take out , so the pre show it is. And to be honest now that the network is here, there really isn't a difference between main card and preshow. I have to give credit to the Usos for rocking the 49ers colors, I’m a sucker for red and gold, classy as fuck. The New Day however are rocking the Oregon Ducks colors who have single handily put football uniforms back 30 years. This match was complete chaos and I loved it. All four teams brought it including the Divas. Naomi really took advantage of her time to shine, good for her.
Grade: B-. A fun opener with guys putting their bodies on the line. Now give the Brass Ring Club a couple microphones, may your reign be long and prosperous.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
I think this is the perfect pre-show match. Let the real feuds have enough time to tell a story. Last year this match gave us an awesome fucking moment, but Cesaro’s creative ruined that and may have very well ruined an awesome platform to build future stars. Unless they start pushing the winner of this, this match should never be on the main card again. To be honest I think this match is nothing but an excuse to get everyone on the show, because you know everyone needs to feel part of the team. Even WrestleMania is being pussified with the rest of the world. How great was JBL’s quote “welcome to the big leagues” when Big Show crushed every geeks dream by throwing out Kenta with ease in nothing short of a comedy spot. The most over guy in the ring according to my ears was once again Cesaro, not Mizdow. On the subject of Mizdow, you gotta love how Miz has bedazzled out tights and Sandow has a Building 19 version version. It’s the small things people.
Grade B. It’s a career award for Bigshow and I have no problem with that, he deserved his moment and know what he showed some flashes of insane athleticism for a guy his size and age. Now fucking retire or at the very least stay out of the Raw main event for good, Christ all mighty him and Kane broke that record right?
Intercontinental Championship
Wade Barett (c) vs Daniel Bryan vs Dolph Ziggler vs R-Truth vs Dean Ambrose vs Stardust vs Luke Harper
I would have preferred a Ziggler vs Bryan match for the IC title straight up, however this is what happens when you have no long term planning and hot potato a belt around all year, you wind up with Wade Barett carrying the belt losing every match and two of your most over guys with nothing to do on the card. However, I did enjoy the chaos that led up to this match, I’m a sucker for mayhem in the squared circle I suppose. I just think it could have been done a little better than just stealing the belt from one anther, pretty juvenile and lame, especially when the action between all seven guys has been so damn good. With all that said I’d really love to know Wade Barett’s record while holding the IC belt this year, champions should not fucking lose, basics people. Now lets talk about Ziggler’s hair, straight fire, might be the best looking person in the stadium male or female. Tons of really good spots here from Harper’s power bomb (Ambrose should have died right) to BNB superplex off the top of the ladder.
Grade: B. A lot of people I feel didn't like the ending I thought the head butt sequence was excellent. Here is to hoping Bryan can make the IC belt mean something, I wont hold my breath. Oh and Ziggler running up ladders is like an Assassin Creed guy from a video game, ridiculous. Actually know what, American Mikey P says book a best of seven between Ziggler and Bryan for the strap and book it now, standing ovation for these guys on Raw a night later, when is the last time you have seen that?
Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins
This feud really started off on fire for me then kind of dragged as Mania crept up on us. I don’t blame Rollins and I don’t blame Orton for that, when you are constantly sticking Big Show and Kane all over the card and having every face battle them in tag matches or handicap matches to close a show for an entire year, it gets fucking old fucking fast. Those two have gotten more air time than anyone on the roster I swear to God. Regardless of the “eh” build at the end, Seth Rollins has been a throwback heel that this company hasn't seen in quite some time, he is over and over as a heel in the right way. Orton has played the bad ass renegade face beautifully and his new RKO Out of Nowhere T-shirt should be a bumper sticker or scratch the phrase and just say Life is Good. Does American Mikey P just print money with his ideas or what? Question though, who wore the outfit better Natty or Rollins, dude get new entrance gear. And how about the ref yelling at Randy to take it back inside, umm hello Rollins almost just killed hime you think he can hear you right now bro, get with the program. The fucking nerve of that guy, jeez.
Grade: B. Another solid match and I think that might have been Randy’s greatest RKO of all time, Rollins looked like he was 15 feet in the air.
HHH vs Sting
I think this is the one match that has actually had a proper and worthy WrestleMania build. Every segment leading up to this was perfectly executed from the writing, the acting, the facial expressions, and the moments it created. My only issue with it is that Sting should have at least looked somewhat vulnerable instead of always getting the best of the Game. Oh and it doesn't help that Sting still looks like a drag queen, get hair plugs or something man. And that fucking Red Jacket, I thought us Americans put an end to that style back in the late 1700’s. Now when the screen showed the Golden Gate Bridge was I the only one hoping for “Every Where You Look” to start playing? I love you Aunt Becky. You want to know how over Sting still is? The guy was getting pops for fucking drop kicks and hip tosses like he was Steamboat or something. Seriously though hats off to that guy at his age taking it to the top and launching himself to the outside. I along with the entire bar absolutely creamed our pants when the NWO came down. Haters gana hate Hulksters gana Hulk. The comment section of the main page absolutely despises that phrase by the way.
Grade: A- I enjoyed every second of this, it was beautiful, a throwback to late 90s wrestling. Reminded me of that Raw when Mankind beat Rock for the title with all hell breaking loose on the outside between the Corporation and DX. I mean people, DX squared off with the NWO, you logically cannot go lower than an A- here. I’m conflicted on the winner though, I think Sting deserved to go out on top but at the same time HHH can’t keep coming back and losing else he loses his luster. And Trips put some fucking concealer on that purple tumor bruise coming out of your leg, what the hell does Steph do to you in bed. Only complaint with this match is JBL’s commentary, no need to tear down the NWA, WCW, and Sting I know you are a heel, but a little respect, even American Mikey P a die hard WWF homer thought you went too far there pal.
AJ Lee & Paige vs The Bella Twins
The WWE has really gave this feud some time to develop on TV, there were even a couple matches with commercial breaks during them. Usually I hate that shit because I think its batshit retarded, even more retarded when they do it on NXT. But in this case when some Mountain Dew commercial came on I was like holy shit, they are letting these girls have a match on Raw even if we miss half of it. And know what Nikki’s offense has been fucking awesome as of late, haters gana hate Bellas gana ball. I think the real money was with AJ vs Steph, but whatever, we got Paige rocking blue streaks in her hair so I’ll take it. Speaking of hot style AJ’s grey chucks are the best wrestling “boots” of all time, fact not opinion. I love when the Bellas tag up, I think they have great chemistry and play very solid heels. Paige might of stole the match when she did that front flip out of the ring, didn't know she had that in her.
Paige is so hot I'd fuck the South Park version of her, she might have to drop a few lbs in this version of herself but American Mikey P can work with that
Grade: C- but a solid C- as in a glass half full C-. By the way these girls tore the house down on Raw and hats off to the crowd for motivating them, they deserved it. #Letsgodivas
United States Championship
Cena vs Rusev (c)
I like Cena, I like Rusev, I like Lana, but eh. There was just something missing to make me care about this match going into it. I think the biggest thing is I think John Cena is above the US title. I hate watching legends wrestle for mid card titles. It is like Tom Brady competing for the AFC Championship, please that is peasant shit. Superbowl or bust baby. Rusev might of stole the best entrance of the night with that Rocky IV style pageantry. I mean did you see that Russian Members Only jacket, epic. I was starting to feel dirty enjoying all that commy shit then Cena’s video came on and it had fucking JFK making a WM appearance. Goosebump city baby. Rusev is really a strong character that doesn't get enough credit, him interrupting the intros is an all time great move. Personally I enjoyed the Fast Lane match a lot more.
Grade: C. Everyone boos the fuck out of Cena but every time he wins the crowd just explodes, proving we will always be little kids at heart. This would of gotten a higher grade if I was able to sneak a peak up Lana’s dress when she took the bump, but apparently that is frowned upon these days, where is Debra when you need her. Here is hoping Lana and Rusev pull a Macho Man and Elizabeth reunion. I’d shed a tear for those two love birds. (Guy is batting way out of his league, but who am I to talk, aren't all of us guys)
Athority/Rock Segment
When the Rock’s entrance hit the sound waves I was thinking holy shit this place is lucky it doesn't have a roof, then Jerry stole my line, but fuck them,went through my mind first. My god did the WWE cuckhold the UFC this week or what. Lock down Brock Lesnar and then had their biggest draw almost steal the show. Ronda Rousey hopping the barricade will be a moment etched in time. I love Ronda but I hate the whole four horse women thing, those three are such leaches, none of them look like they shower either. Anyway, Ronda should ditch the UFC and sign with the WWE and create a stable with Lesnar and Heyman. Like I said earlier American Mikey P just prints money. And by the way Rock I’m pretty sure you have whooped Steph’s ass around a ring multiple times, dont get all high and mighty on us.
Grade A: This was legendary. You can keep CM Punk UFC.
Undertaker vs Bray Wyatt.
This was the one match that I could care less if they actually had a proper build. I would have been perfectly content with them just booking it and thats that. These two are just natural opponents, just like Taker was with Mankind, two freaks going at it. Now I am on record for hating Taker, mainly for Survivor Series 91’, but even I was excited for his return and had absolutely no idea who was winning this match. Bray Wyatt’s entrance was awesome, what a nice touch with the scarecrows, so creepy, too bad it was still light out though. At one point in this match JBL called Taker the greatest striker in history, American Mikey P proceeded to spit his miller light out and laugh out loud as many of the freaks at the bar shot me dirty looks. I know I like to bash Taker but if you are chanting you still got it to this guy, its time to reevaluate what that means. He was good, and by good everything he did got a reaction but he has lost about 200 steps since he wrestled Punk. Oh and Cole were you really surprised by the look on Taker’s face when someone kicked out of a Tombstone? It is not WrestleMania unless someone kicks out of 32 of one of the most deadliest finishers in the history of pro wrestling. I mean seriously Cole where have you been the last six years. Thanks again HBK for ruining finishers for everyone.
Taker is looking good these days. Yikes! You could eat a bowl of of Cheerios out of that inverted chest.
Grade: C+. cant say enough about Bray competing hurt and Taker competing at his age, both on a very high level. I usually do not get upset about winners and losers in pro wrestling, since you know…its fake. But this is bullshit Wyatt needed this win more than any other performer on the card, especially from a character stand point. Can you imagine if it was Hogan that went over here, omg the geeks would have been outside the stadium with pitch forks.
WWE Championship
Brock Lesnar (c) vs Roman Reigns
Did Vince McMahon do it again or did Vince McMahon do it again. One of the greatest businessmen of all time, pulled off probably his last great move when his empire needed it the most. The Geeks bitched, they moaned, and claimed Vince lost another one to the UFC. As Lee Corso says, “Not so fast my friends”. Vince pulled one over everyone’s eyes and then made front page headlines having his prize announce it on ESPN in a legendary promotional move. ESPN didn't even know what was going on, it was greater than that over orchestrated “Decision” by Lebron. The bottom line is Vince lost Punk, but gained Lesnar. Lesnar is a bigger name and draw than Punk in every way. Don’t get your panties in a bunch either nerds, I’ll take Punk too, but I’ll take Lesnar anyday of the week over him with my company on the line. Anyway the build for this never really hit its peak. There was a major let down with a bullshit tug of war scene, primarily to make a vignette video or promo poster, let them brawl and go off the air and show the aftermath on SD for fuck sake. I will say this Heyman, Lesnar,and Reigns all did excellent using their voices to promote this match. Heyman is gold as always, Lesnar legit has cut some of the best sit down interviews I have ever seen all year long going back to that epic Summer Slam one, and Reigns is not bad, he's getting there and he's pretty good with his facial expressions and knowing when to play off how the crowd reacts.
Like I said the build for a WM main event was one of the worst and then Roman Reigns music hit and something magical unfolded. Reigns entrance was stunning, the camera work was exceptional for it as he posed in the superman position. Yeah, Im probably in the minority on that but what else is new. Then Lesnar came down like a fucking unleashed bear, but of course JBL confused Lesnar’s accomplishments with Angle. Lesnar was never a 4 time All-American or a two time NCAA champion. He was a two time All-American and a one time champion. In fact he lost his JR year to a three time Super Bowl champion and former New England Patriot Stephen Neal. Check it out here great match for those that like that sort of thing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oazcXMVVpU . The Pats even dominate the WWE, my god we are great. Back to WrestleMania, when watching this match take notice as the red lighting grows as it gets darker until it is the color of Lesnar's busted open head in the background by the time Rollins comes down. Wish i new a word to describe that and tie it in with the match but Im not that good of a writer. BUT what I am great at is making analogies. So to put it in AMP terms the color change surrounding the ring was like Scar battling Simba, just an unreal visual. What you losers don’t like Disney movies? Typical. Heyman was just as good as anyone in the ring with his facial reactions and leading the crowd as they did a suplex count. Anyone that thinks Reigns isn't ready after this match is a fucking idiot. Every single one of his singles matches has been good to excellent, and he just had an all time great one at WrestleMania’s main event. Interesting note, the last three champions have not lost the belt legitimately.
Grade A. This match shut the haters up real fast. Only problem, I think the WWE should have kept the belt on Lesnar, he is such a commodity right now and all over the news after his big signing, I think you run with that for all its worth. But then again the Raw fall out was almost as good as the match itself so what do I know. Oh and geeks relax about Reigns, my good buddy HBK won his first Rumble and lost in the main event of WrestleMania that same year too. By the way, there was a group of like 4 little kids, how the dad talked them into the bar I have no idea, but they were PISSED Reigns lost, take that for what it is worth. But not as pissed as the 50 something year old wearing an NWO shirt when Sting lost, I thought that guy was going to commit crimes after that match.
Jesus that was a long recap, finally to the good stuff.
The Stuff that Really Matters for Cool Kids
Fan of the Night:
WWE’s Quail Man made his debut on the grandest stage of them all.
Chant of the Night
“Shane-O Mac, Shane-O Mac” ~ This guy needs to return, it is all I want besides one more Hogan run.
Sign of the Night:
Everyone is my man, some just pretend not to be, fucking hipsters.
Quote of the Night:
“Suplex City Bitch” ~ Lesnar. Question was that scripted or was he just completely in a different world and thought he was in a real fight when he said that, I’m going with the latter. It’s still real to Lesnar damit!
Guilty Pleasure:
Shawn Michaels super kicking Sting. Me and HBK may have had a falling out back in 97 but I was never really a Sting guy. Old habits die hard.
Best Dressed:
Dolph Ziggler completely owned the runway tonight. That new 80s style vest is smoking.
Worst Dressed:
Sting once again looking like he took the Delorean right from Colonial America.
Hottest Diva:
Ronda Rousey was sexy as hell with that permanent bitch face. And she was just suffocating those yoga pants. Yum.
Pop of the Night:
The Rock by KO. Shhh, Don't tell Hogan I did that.
Tweet of the Night:
Remember how the Royal Rumble was going to ruin the Network and WrestleMania, you geeks really have no idea how small you are.
Spot of the Night:
I was originally going to go with that epic RKO, but then Lesnar decapitated Roman Reigns with that single leg closeline on the apron.
All American of the Night:
Brock Lesnar was unreal, from a wrestling standpoint to a character standpoint just off the charts good, I think he surpassed Cena as the best current wrestler in the world on Sunday.
Match of the Night:
My heart wanted to give it to the NWO and it was close but the Main Event was out of this world good. Im still NWO for life though. Look at that Roman Reigns match of the night at WM, he's not ready? HAHAHA.
Moment of the Night:
My man, my hero, Hulk Hogan air guitaring his way down the ramp with the NWO to another legendary WrestleMania moment.
Venue/Fans:
A- Not WM18 good but damn this crowd brought it, the arena was gorgeous and slick and provided the perfect atmosphere for a perfect night. Well done SanFran too bad your football team sucks now.
Final Grade: Technically if you average out all the match/segment grades this is a B show. However its obviously very clear that this was an A show from start to finish. Its a B on paper but an A in my heart. The real WWE Universe stood up and let the geeks know that the WWE is still king and knows exactly what they are doing. The geeks always jump to conclusions and never let the story unfold, its the journey that makes the ending special, one day you guys will understand that. But since Lesnar lost I unsubscribed and refuse to watch until he gets the belt again, because you know if I don't get my own way that means it can't possibly be good...
I conclude it with this…
Till next time folks,
Love Your Country
Respect Your Parents
And Tip You Bartenders
American Mikey P