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Columns Forum End of Year Awards
Mazza: Happy New Year, Ladies and Gentleman, my name is Mazza and I would like to welcome you all to the lopforums.com Column's Forum End of Year Awards Ceremony for 2009, sponsored by Notorious P.I.G. Productions. I am glad to see you all looking sharp in your tuxedos, well most of you anyway. Those who have decided to wear multicoloured or magenta suits ought to be setting a better example. I am glad I am hosting this shindig and don't have to be seen sitting next to you at the Main Pagers table. No wonder Hustle is over with his Team Sleep buddies and Cici is rooted at the bar. Anyway, I am getting side tracked. We are here to honour the best of the CF and Main Page throughout this year and here to help me out is my Smarks Court co-host, Uncle Joe.
I think it be rather unethical and sort of illegal if a CFer is helping in the taking part of the awards ceremony, huh MFer?
That is MPer, Cock Fiddler.
Eat dicks, and that's not me in the picture you dillhole; I'm not wearing any Nikes nor am I dragging a bitch by her hair.
Maybe later, right now I am filling up on these pigs in a blanket made courtesy of Cockmilkalicious Catering. So I can already see that Joe is in one of his moods but who can blame him, the anticipation is killing us all, am I right? So lets waste no time in getting on with our first award of the evening for...
N00b Columnist of the Year
Let the record reflect that I hateus the terms "n00b", "newbie" or any other reflecting on the status of someone's whatever.
Let the record also reflect that Joe also hates women. That is not some kind of love-hate relationship either. Anyone who has done Psych 101 can tell he is a closet case. Anyway, the winner of this award was leading from the get go. He may have had more votes if it hadn't been such a long year and didn't really seem like a rookie by the middle of it. Super Chrisss and Freeman pushed him by the time voting closed but I will now let Joe present the award.
For the record, you are a big bitch. Anyway, I'm guessing n00b columnist would apply to someone who started off in the year 2099; 1222908uj for all of my friends who follow the Chinese calendar. Yo Kano, hit us with a drum roll please. DRUM dude, drum. D-R-U-- forget it. Maz, hand me the envelope por favor. Hrm, and in a shocker, the winner of NCOTY is . . .
Winner: JohnnyBoomerang
J-Boom: Wow. Thank you, really. I mean, it’s an honour just to be nominated, but to actually win? I’m almost speechless! To think, I won when pitted against such greats as… I mean, well, there were a lot of new people this year. And I was one of them! Speaking of ‘won’, I just have!
Well done to Boomer. 40+ columns in his rookie year is a pretty amazing feet. Well, I guess not so much if you are an out of work actor. I guess he can be thankful that he is not spending all his free time turning tricks just to make ends meet (yeah, that was a double entendre).
Screw that; I had 50+ in my rookie year, and I never got a spiffy hat for my troubles. Goddamn you JB. Anyway folks, we're going to move onto to our next award.
Feedbacker of the Year
"A few grammar errors but it was a decent read. Read you next time". This is how not to win this award. Interestingly enough, "What?" is also not going to win it for you either.
What you tryna say you big lipped monkey gorilla bastard? Not fun to talk about JB like that.
What? Anyway, somehow I got a couple of votes here, as did Cicero and Joey Shinobi pushed the eventual winner close. I guess there is nothing quite like experience though and the man who's feedback you appreciate the most is...
Winner: XanMan
Xan: This, ladies and gentlemen, is truly an honor. I'm sure some will be thrilled with winning column of the year, or columnist of the year, whether it be separated by the Forums and the Main Page or not, but to me, this is the biggest honor of all. I've spent a lot of time here in the CF; or seef as the cool kids call it; and I enjoy being here as a resource for all of the new writers we have coming in. For those people to think that I've done a good job of helping the next generation improve, just as the older guard helped me warms my heart. I truly couldn't have done this without all of you; keep writing your fingers off! Thank you.
A few grammatical errors but it was a decent read. Read you next time. @what?
:cantseeme: Moving on, I am wasting no time in getting to our next award.
Collab Column of the Year
There have been so many collabs that I'm not even sure what the hell is going on here. Who are you?
You can call me boss. This category had four tied contenders and as a result, I had to go to a secret voter as the tie-breaker. Why You no Watch the ECW by the Dope Boy$ and guests, mine and Deg's glorious CSI effort, Joe and Joey's multiman impersonation on the Top 20 Women in Wrestling and MyLee and J-Boom's Bragging Rights Predictions all got 2 votes each but more amazingly, collab whore SkittleZ did not even get as much as an honourable mention.
*SkitZ suddenly rushes the stage*
SkittleZ: So let me get this straight. I've collaborated with just about everybody who's worth a damn on this fucking site and don't even end up in the running for the award!? This is a travesty I tell you! The Candyman teamed up with everyone from Monkey and Uncle Joe to Glacier and L-Man. How is this lame shit even possible!? The Candyman must have participated in at least 25 collabs throughout 2009 dammit!
Still SkittleZ: So what? Who gets the award? Xan & BK? Yeah because we all crave to hear the opinions of a couple hairy overweight married men with children. Or perhaps Sheep & 'Plan? One has a fetish for farm animals while the other shares a similar liking to an overrated Canuck who dresses in pink. Surely, the J-Team must be in contention? For ripping off DaveyBoy, Mazza and any other fellow who's ever tried his hand at pay per view reviews.
Even more SkittleZ: Fortunately, I'm willing to be the bigger man and brush all the hate under the mat. As long as Captain Skaos & SailorJerrry didn't receive more votes than me...
*The Puerto-Cymry Connection Security Team of Sheepster and Degenerate appear in full Secret Service get-up to drag a disgruntled Candyman from the stage*
LOL. And the wieners are
Winner: Two Dope Boy$ - Why You no Watch the ECW
We are going to need more security for this entourage. Would have been easier if Where's My Jacket/Steiner Appreciation got a couple more votes.
Missou: The Dope Boy$ would like to thank Jesus for our mamas and our bitches for our money. As most of you probably know, we always do collabos with somebody in our joints, mostly because we are lazy and prefer to outsource the heavy lifting. CoLD is a handy sum'bitch for this sort of thing.
The key to a good collabo is who you pick for it, for this one we went with the best posters in the live ECW thread.
And Oni.
Anyway, thanks to the Academy or whoever picked this thing, we’ll put it on the mantle next to the COTM, the gold stars and the two rule changes.
Well, I think we both have the right to be pissed about the final decision but I don't think the 2 of us can take on the 73 of them.
lol, you said jacket Steiner.
Tag Team of the Year
I thought we were certain to win this one Joe, but the sheer quantity of haters out there are continuously holding us down.
Niggas aways hatin' on my G. Never fails.
Anyway, we did get a little love, as did the teams of Jimmy and Jules, Sean and KMA and Plan and Sheepster but taking the award is the ETA partnership of...
Winner: XanMan and BeyondKnight
BK: Really? I'd like to thank Xan for the opportunity he gave me to tarnish, no, destroy an LOP institution. I know it kills him inside everytime I am right about WWE. Although I may have been fired from ETA. I really should check on that one of these days. Regardless, I still think it would be a better column if we renamed it the BK/Xanny Power Hour. What do you say Xanny boy? Another wager for the naming rights? Thanks alot Nation! Let's go Pens!
Xan: You know, BK, I've wondered for a long time how much you actually believed the Pens would win four games in a row to close out the full seven game series. But, no, I don't want to bet. There's nothing to bet on right now, anyway.
As far as you being "right" about WWE, for you to be right that a wrestling organization has decided that wrestling fans no longer matter to them is hardly a cause to brag. As for why we haven't done an ETA for a few months, I don't really have an answer for that. We just haven't. Sure seems like the public would like us to, doesn't it?
I'd like to thank doublehelix, Random Guy #5, sheepster, aisce, and all the others that helped contribute over the years to what has made ETA something of an institution around these parts, and I suppose I'll thank this joker (no way I'll call him Batman) next to me for his contributions, as well. Truly, BK's fervent love for all things WWE contrasts well with my disdain for them pushing the last letter over the middle letter and I was hoping it would be a success. Hopefully we'll get together and do this again for next year.
It's ok Maz; there's always next year.
I will get over it, eventually. I still can't believe BK took it. I hate that guy. Now it is time we get serious for a moment. I would like you to all hold hands and take out your lighters as we remember the people who are not with us anymore.
*Puff Daddy's "I'll be Missing You" plays as we see a montage of lost columnists including Soren, Skaos, NightofDay, MadChuck, SailorJerry, Ry P. Suddenly SUPERFAN! walks in and seeing all the lighters, decides to light one up*
STOP THE TRIBUTE. Well done Supes, you ruined it, we could be looking at a hefty fine for that. Deg, Sheep, escort him from the building. And that reminds me, if any of you think it will be a good idea to bleed tonight, think again or you will be out of here as quick as Supes. Right, time to get on with the award for...
Most Missed Columnist
There aren't a lot of female columnists on the board, so this award is mad fucking pointless. And shouldn't it be Miss Columnist?
Joe, I am stressed, I am tired, and more importantly, I cannot think of a witty comeback. This is basically an award for someone who stopped writing during 2009, capiche?
No thanks; I don't drink coffee. Appreciate it though. And the winner for someone who just stopped writing but we want to see them write again is . . .
Winner: Davey Boy
Davey: Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you… Your rapturous applause is very humbling. I feel like The Hulkster… Only without the numerous comebacks… & 24 inch orange pythons. I’ll be honest; I did not expect to win an award & am only here for the free food & booze… Quite frankly, every second I spend on this acceptance speech is eroding my drinking time. But since I have been so missed around LOP since my column-writing retirement, I’m willing to forgive all of you lovable larrikins. I miss you guys too.
For those interested, my viewing of wrestling hasn’t really increased over the past few months… It is still very haphazard. I have been told by a few people to begin tuning in however. Something about a ranga in need of some sun defeating John Cena for a major title & some kind of Hulk Hogan vs Bret Hart match to kick off the Monday Night Wars take-2. Hmmm, sounds interesting. As I stated in my final column; I’ll never say “never”! Don’t hold your breath though… Or else you won’t be able to scoff down all this free food & booze. On that note, my friend Al Keyhole is calling, so thanks once more, support all of the current batch of LOP columnists & have yourself a fantastic holiday period.
Damn, I had big bucks on Skaos taking this home. I've never heard of this David guy though, not sure what all the big deal is.
DaveyBoy can be now be found wagering on the UKC: Ultimate Koala Fighting Championship. Godspeed Davey.
Column Series of the Year
Paper Reviews, Current and Classic should have been in the running but I was shunned again. You would have thought a bit of ass kissing would have gone on seeing I was the one being PM'd the votes.
Well the kissing part would have gotten you the victory if your temptations wouldn't have gotten the best of you. I can't divulge too much info, but "too much tongue" was often overheard.
I have no idea what you are getting at there Joe. This one was another close one but it ended up a tight 2 horse race between two of the most experienced writers on LOP who decided to go daily during 2009. The Northern Star and 7 Things took on the Eyes of a Money and Eyes of a Blog. In the end, despite his dailies holding firm, Xan came up just a little short.
Winner: THE MONKEY - Eyes of a Monkey/Blog
Now as Monkey is still in hiding from Smarks Court, he cannot be here tonight or otherwise me and Joe would have kicked his ass.
*A big screen suddently decends with a live feed of Doc recieving his award*
What the fuck?
Monk: Wow, that's a shocker with all the quality work out there but it's an honor I'm willing to accept. Who knew that screwing around and giving my thoughts every day would catch on like it did? While I don't believe that my blog was the best blog out there, at the very least it accomplished reviving the concept and giving others the desire to either start a blog of their own or revive a blog they've done in the past. That to me is the best thing that came from my idea of trying out the blog format.
How did you afford to accept this via satellite?
I have no idea what just happened, but Doc, know this, you shall be brought to justice.
Most Improved Columnist of the Year
The winner of this award should smack Mazza and anyone who voted for them in the mouth. If I won this shit, I'd feel like this is more of a put down than a compliment, but then again; I do love some granny fisting.
Don't you mean granddaddy fisting? 3 main pagers actually got a vote in this one including me for some reason. No names named but I hope the person realises I was hot since day 1. In the end, only 3 votes could split a Canadian, an Aussie and a bona fide chav.
What the hell is a chav? And the "winner" is
Winner: Box Car Rocco
BCR: An acceptance speech? The peasants of the CF are not worthy of a speech from an Australian, you should be bowing down to me, shining my shoes and keeping the dingoes away from our babies. I spit on your award and your face, good day.
I'm sorry, that was unfunny and I will never try humour again. In all seriousness, it's very cool to be the recipient of this award. I could easily praise Rocco's greatness here as he is the one who got me writing consistently, but that's cheap. The people I want to thank are the people who have left me feedback, every single one of them. Without those who gave me feedback, I wouldn't have been able to improve.
*Kanye West hops up on stage and grabs the microphone out of Box Car Rocco's hand.*
Kanye: Yo Yo Yo, listen up. I'm happy for you and everything...
Yo yo yo, listen up. Box Car Kanye, I am happy for you and everything and I'mma let you finish, but Kanye parodies have been way over used recently. Plus only Joe gets to do the comedy around here.
BCR: Well sorry for only having the Kanye interruption air down here, we are so far behind in Australia after all. Anyway, another big thank you to everyone who has helped me improve. Thank you and good night!
*Mediocre applause as Box Car Rocco walks off the stage.*
Bloody Aussies!
Single Column of the Year
We really have seen some pretty good columns this year. Once again I got a token vote here for my superb Degenerate impersonation in the CSI semi-finals but not enough to make an impact. Joe also got a token vote his It is 4:20 Somewhere column. J-Boom's diversity worked against him as he received 3 votes for 3 different columns and the likes of BK, Xan and JoeyShinobi all got shown some limited love. However there were two columns in the second half of the year that really stood out. Freeman's Facebook rip off, Procrastination and MyLeeCyrus' look into the psyche of The Game, Insecurity.
Someone voted for me? Awesome.
Me too, well technically it was for ET Renegade. In the end though, it was the slightly less chavier chav that pulled it out of the bag.
Winner: MyLeeCyrus - Insecurity
MyLee: Column of the year? Fuck off... Really? Wow! I feel like Kane, M.C. Hammer, or any one of the many, many one-hit wonders this world has produced!
Seriously, thank you for the many thousands of votes I'm sure I received, its awesome to have it thought of so highly, and if anyone wants to buy me a drink, you can't, because we're on the internet. But I appreciate the thought!
Huh, J-Boom was here earlier which means you can't be his alterego. Hold on, I can't see him anywhere about now. Guilty! I want your next column to be all about how you are pulling the wool over everyone's eyes by actually being the same person.
LOL.
NEXT!
Write a Fucking Column Already Award
Probably the most faggot award we have. In essence, this is the most missed columnist, so I wish to have this award stricken from the record. Maz?
Not quite, this is for the guys who seem to be there everywhere you turn but never seem to get that column down that you were waiting for. It is also the award that nobody seemed to want. Degenerate was a clear leader in this category before getting disqualified for actually writing a column. A couple of others like GLS AKA Stinger and Leonard also wrote themselves out of contention leaving this category wide open, with even NightofDay close on winning it.
Whatever. Winner of the Fag of the year goes to . . .
Winner: BeyondKnight
BK: See Nation, if you do nothing long enough, you will be rewarded for it. I know oh so many of you are thirsting for the Beacon of Knowledge and Wisdom to come and testify to the masses once more. Will 2010 be the year of The Knight's Report's grand return? I suppose only time will tell. Just keep on calling him Fred, and ignore the Heretics that are running this show. They will never be able to get BK into their measly court. You see Nation, the truth about Mazza is that he just keeps taking other people's accomplishments. I host an award winning talk show, while Maz just stole Daveyboy's schtick. He cheated and sold out to "win" the CSI, although the gold went home to the true breakout star-
Bollocks to this. I don't care that I have been writing columns left, right and centre, or that it is a faggy award, you stole my CSI trophy and it is time for revenge.
*Mazza flies at BK in a fit of rage and proceeds to savagely beat him over the head with the microphone until Mr Knight is busted open and unconscious. Mazza then calmly gets to his feet and picks up the trophy*
Winner: Mazza
I believe this is mine. I would like to thank the LOP faithful for this great honour. Now could someone please clean up this mess, I have already issued a warning about bleeding.
*Sheep and Deg help BK to his feet and escort him from the building*
Well . . . um. Yeah.
Comeback of the Year
Okay, I have calmed down a bit now. The voting for this award wasn't even close. We did get a couple of token votes later on for Nony, Stinger and Helix but this was always only going to one man. Now I finally have my award, it is only right that my co-host gets one too...
Winner: Uncle Joe
Don't call it a comebaack. Unh.
Well done Joe. That is one each we have in the bag already and now we are down to the final awards of the night and they are definitely biggies. No way we aren't clearing up right here. I am a shoe-in for the Main Pager of the year award and I am pretty sure you are going to walk away as everyone's favourite CFer. I guess we should get on with...
Main Page Columnist of the Year
One of the big whammy awards we have in this whole shit. And Xmas was good for my partner, since he won the big one; sike, he only received one vote.
SON OF A BITCH! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I ONLY GOT ONE VOTE??? Screw this, I don't care about this stupid award anyway. It's all political you know, you deal with it.
Yeah, Bill Clinton and stuff. And the winner of this fake cyberspace award is . . .
Winner: THE MONKEY
Well I guess that noise is the giant screen coming out of nowhere again.
Monk: I can't really wrap my head around this one. I read what Xan has done the second half of the year, what Joey was doing during my run, and even what Davey was doing in the beginning of the year and I have to wonder if people were reading the same columns I did. I never pretended to be the best writer, because I'm not but I do shoot straight from the hip. At times I can even be a tad bit random for lack of a better term. I guess it just goes to show that sometimes you just can't be afraid to try new shit. Obviously I got to thank guys like B.C., Joe, Skitz, JB, Nony, and Andy Savana for inspiration directly and indirectly to just push the boundaries of creativity and good taste and never be afraid to say anything. Here's to 2010 and whatever the fuck I might surprise you with.
Meh! The guy doesn't even write anymore but he is everybody's favourite. I just don't get it. We made him quit but do we get love? Like fuck we do! Thank God we only have one of these awards left.
Monkey's my favorite because we shared a nice big bucket of wings at Jimmy's Shack -o- Wings joint. It was delicious, and I made all that up, but still; point stands.
Huh?
Columns Forum Columnist of the Year
It has certainly been an interesting year in the columns forum. We have had scandals, hissy fits, MAIs, tournaments, returns, retirements, and a host of strong new writers. When it came down to the question of who is the Columns Forum's top dog however, there were two men that fit the bill. For what seems like an eternity now, my co-host Uncle Joe and my fellow Team UK member, Johnny Boomerang have been sitting at the top of the CF pile, shyly turning down all the attention they are receiving from SkittleZ. The voting here was very tight indeed. Joe, do you think you deserve this award?
A man without convictions is just flesh in the wind my friend.
Well I have no idea what that meant, but you ain't getting the award...
Winner: JohnnyBoomerang
J-Boom: Well, this is certainly an honour. I mean, I never thought that I’d… you know what? Forget that, I deserve this. Do you know what I’ve noticed in my year here? Pandering. Some sort of ridiculous desire to show off when in the presence of others. If you’re making a guest appearance, that doesn’t mean you have to automatically swear all the time, insult each other and act appallingly. In this year of strife, I’ve found myself forced to bear the flag for responsible columning. When I’ve collaborated with someone, I’ve avoided being crude, rude and primitive. I’ve avoided turning to curse words frequently, instead using other, better words in my (let’s be honest) vast vocabulary. I like to use longer words because it makes me sound smarter (and I said that rather epexegetically, didn’t I?) I am the constant here at LoP. I am the standard with which all others measure themselves. I didn’t set the bar- I am the bar. Over this whole year, which column received more pieces of feedback than any other? MINE. Which column was dubbed ‘The Controversial Column’? MINE. Who’s style of writing was so creative and avant-garde at times that it upset people? MINE.
You people sit there, at your computers, typing away your half-hearted efforts, wishing you could be half the columnist I am, and that’s when I’m not even trying. Well I’d like to thank ME for being so awesome, I’d like to thank ME for signing up at LoP earlier this year, and I’d like to thank ME for continuing to do what I do best. You should think yourselves lucky to have been here. And Mazza? Where’s Mazza? At the start of this year, you were touted as being the ‘next big thing’ when you won the CSI. You got your CotM, you got onto the Main Page, and now you’re here, hosting an awards ceremony. Do you know why someone hosts an awards ceremony? It’s because they know they can’t win anything any more. I mean, look at you! You started off with your Classic Paper Reviews, a respectable series in column-writing. But now you pander to these people with your ridiculous ‘Smarks Court’, forced to suck inspiration from Uncle Joe because you’re no longer the capable writer you once were.
It’s a fact: The Main Page breeds laziness. Just look at the turnaround over the last year, at how many writers have stepped down, or have become stale and faded away. There’s no passion anymore, only forced and contrived columns. But it’s not even their fault. It’s because of you people that they’ve become so inept. You people refused to feedback them, to criticise them, to support them, and in your absence they have fallen from the heights they once were. You people still sit there, aware of the main page but largely ignoring it. Instead, you wait for the latest Uncle Joe column to appear, so you can tell him how wonderful he is. If Joe is so ‘wonderful’, then why am I the one standing here accepting this award? I’ll tell you why, it’s because Uncle Joe is a fake and a coward. He’s afraid of telling the truth, he’s afraid of being honest, so he hides behind the gimmick, the façade he’s created for himself, pretending to be nonchalant, pretending not to care, pretending to be flippant and unfazed. Well I’ll tell you this, Joe, the next time you think about writing a column, why don’t you go look at some shoes instead, okay? Why don’t you go play basketball, or steal candy, or play Rock Band? Just leave this alone, and stop pandering to these gullible fools. You’re actually worse than Main Pagers, because you’ve done the exact same thing they have without even receiving the acclaim and position they have. Such a shame, too, because you had potential. If only you’d taken more notice of my work, and allowed me to teach you. So again, I’d like to thank…
Atta boy Johnny. Here's a bit of Joe's Fun Trivia:
JB and I lived 10 blocks apart for 2 years and never crossed paths . . . knowingly. Goddamnit L-Man, you just stepped on my new Air Max 95's you bastard. I took these out of storage just for this event.
*Joe bitchslaps Teh taste out of Teh L's mouth and all hell suddenly breaks loose as a bunch of posters who haven't been seen for ages gatecrash the party. The Lip Bomb sneaks in and begins to choke out JoeyShinobi from behind. Over at the bar, fists are flying between Skaos and Cicero whilst Sheep tries to calm everybody down and Deg runs like a scalded dog. All of the Dope Boy$ collab crew go into defence mode in the name of defending Soren's sexy sideburns from injury, well all except for CoLD, who is just bottling everyone he can. Swanton sneaks up on Joe who is still putting the boots to L-Man, and for some reason Jason Boy too, and hits a Twist of Fate before climbing the rafters. Stinger however is hiding up there and pushes Swanny off. Davey Boy, taking offence at the cheap rip offs, throws Jimmy and Jules though windows and goes hunting for Mazza who is cornered by an angry BK and SkitZ. Deg has made his return by trapping Plan between two tables and offering anyone passing by free slaps, most of whom are more than happy to participate. Kano and Vikodin are double teaming Hustle although neither of them really seems to know what they are doing until Box Car convinces them it may be best to just leave. Meanwhile, Mazza has somehow escaped from BK and SkitZ only to run into a slap from Davey Boy. Mazza smooth talks his way out of the beating by explaining that he had given up the reviews and sets out to find his partner as sirens wail outside. The new, evil J-Boom has a psychotic smile on his face looking at the carnage his speech started and he stalks Joe with his trophies. Mazza drags Joe out of the way and onto the stage, just as the police throw in some canisters of CS gas.*
Well that got a little naughty, I must say. Joe, I think we need to get you to a Doctor... stat.
Gotta . . . defen. . . defend my kicks, yo.
Fo Sho Jo. Well that brings us to the end of the evening. 5-0 will be inside any minute now... FUCK!
*Mazza side steps a flying bottle of Crys that hits Joe right in the temple*
Errr, where was I? Right, so the old bill and a couple of ambulances are outside. I guess we will be back next year, although obviously we are not going to be allowed back in this venue again. Keep working hard and next year, you too could be getting physically abused up on stage. For Uncle Joe, this is Mazza and we are out.