In the grand history of the business that is professional wrestling, “it looked good on paper” is a phrase often used to justify the follow through of an idea that didn’t play out the way someone initially thought. Dusty Rhodes often says it about The Shockmaster incident, where Fred Ottman – formerly known as Typhoon – wore a giant fur vest and sparkly Storm Trooper helmet while tripping through a fake brick wall he was supposed to burst through on live television. The helmet fell off, the voiceover by Ole Anderson still played, and the rest is history. Even without the greatest wrestling blunder of all-time taking place, there’s no way that idea could have looked good on paper.
The same can be said for what just happened at Halloween Havoc. I’m not just talking about The Yeti. Yeah, that character is a major part of it, but I’m talking about everything surrounding the main event – which is devastating because the build was marvelous until the very last possible second of TV time. Everything beyond that sucked. I mean Eh-vree-thin-gah.
I’m going to write this all down because I feel it’s important to actually see what this idea looks like on paper:
“Here’s what’s going to happen: After Hogan beats The Giant in the Monster Truck Sumo Wrestling Match with the bumpers welded together on the roof of Cobo Hall where landmines are randomly placed, they’ll get out of the monster trucks and fight toward the edge with The Giant ultimately falling off. Hogan will come to the ring at the time of the scheduled title match with Jimmy Hart and start to explain how he thinks The Giant might be dead. Then The Giant shows up alive and all pissed off at Hogan for pushing him off a five-story roof and Hogan, the good guy, is scared shitless. When the bell rings, Hogan will take off his bandana to reveal his forehead is painted like The Taskmaster’s. He’s still a good guy though. Make sure we get a good shot of it. Anyway, the match will have The Giant dominate up until the last minute where Hogan makes his comeback. After the big body slam, Jimmy Hart will hop up on the apron with the WCW World Heavyweight Championship in his hand. Don’t ask why the timekeeper isn’t holding it. Jimmy hits the referee, thus turning on Hogan, but Hogan doesn’t see it. Hulk invites Jimmy into the ring, all the while Jimmy is holding the belt he just hit the referee with. When Hogan turns his back on his trusted manager, Jimmy will hit him with the belt. Hogan won’t feel it though. He’ll go after Jimmy, but The Giant will stop him and grab a bear hug. The Taskmaster can get involved too. That’s when we have Savage and Luger come out to help Hogan, only Luger turns on Savage. Two heel turns in under a minute and a half should go over great. Then a giant mummy called The Yeti will come out to apply a double bear hug on Hogan with The Giant. Lex can use his finish on Hogan too. It’ll be great. When the referee comes to he’ll raise the hand of The Giant who wins via disqualification since Jimmy was Hogan’s manager going into the match. Then the bad guys will leave with the belt and we can figure out the rest on Monday. Oh hey, should The Yeti walk with his hands out in front of him like a mummy or should he walk all yeti-like? Maybe something in between? I don’t know. Food for thought.”
It was one of the dumbest things to ever happen in wrestling and that covers A LOT of ground. That was the absolute BEST they could do! Now if you think any of it played out as smoothly as that shitty premise was written, you’re sorely mistaken.
What had happened was... The Giant fell off the building as planned. Hogan went on the mic and said he landed in the parking lot. If that happened he would be dead. 100% dead. Deader than Deddie Guerrero. That kind of dead, but worse. I don't care how tall that motherf#$%er is, if Hulk Hogan pushes you off a five-story building... you die... a lot. Instead, The Giant shows up, making Hogan look like a chicken-shit heel coward when he powders. How do you do that to your top babyface? How could Hogan have ever agreed to that?
Now when Hogan took his bandana off to reveal the face paint, you can see him start to turn to the hard cam so they could get a good shot of it. Instead, the camera cuts to The Giant reacting to something we can’t see at all. Vince McMahon would have fired his entire production team for missing that. Guys who have worked for him talk all the time about how meticulous Vince is about the shots he wants for his product. No one at WCW had those instincts.
The match, up until the finish, was what it was supposed to be. Hogan even yelled to Jimmy Hart, “HE’S TOO STRONG!” I love details like that. The finish is where everything gets f@#$ed. Jimmy Hart turning heel was a fine touch, but that’s where it should have ended. That’s all you needed. Jimmy turns heel, The Giant grabs Hogan, chokeslam, new champion, thanks for coming out, be sure to tune into WCW Monday Nitro. Nope, someone wanted to pile it all on.
A lot of great comedy and action films put their lead character in a position where the bar just keeps rising. Just when you think things can’t possibly get any worse, they jump two levels higher. In Kill Bill: Vol. 1, The Bride wants to get to O-Ren Ishii, so she heads to the restaurant where O-Ren and her crew are hanging out. She calls out O-Ren by dismembering her assistant Sofie Fatale. Instead of O-Ren coming out to go at it, she sends her loyal crew of well-trained henchmen. The Bride slashes through them with ease. Next, O-Ren deploys her deadliest asset, Gogo Yubari. Gogo battled The Bride to the death, almost ending the heroine’s journey right there and then. Still, The Bride came out on top, ready for O-Ren. Wait… what’s that sound? Motorcycle engines? Great, now she has to fight O-Ren’s entire gang, The Crazy 88 - there weren't really 88 of them... they just called themselves "The Crazy 88..." I don't know, I guess they thought it sounded cool. After dispatching that crew, she finally gets her hands on O-Ren, which is her toughest challenge yet. That’s how it’s done. Daniel Bryan’s journey from SummerSlam 2013 to the closing shot of WrestleMania 30 is a great example of how to pull off that style of storytelling in wrestling. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always go that smoothly.
That’s the technique I think they were choosing to utilize during the finish of Halloween Havoc, only the bad guys won. The odds just became too much. That doesn’t make for a great story. They just kept stacking the deck and stacking the deck. Matters become even worse when you take a guy like Lex Luger and turn him heel when the camera isn’t even on him. WCW could have gotten so much more out of that moment had they saved it for something down the road. Instead, they used it as another insignificant scrap. Coming out of Halloween Havoc, the story should have been “The Giant kills HulkaMania as Jimmy Hart joins The Dungeon of Doom.” Not, “The Giant kills HulkaMania with the help of The Yeti as Jimmy Hart and Lex Luger join The Dungeon of Doom.”
The final piece was the unnecessary “insurance policy” purchased by The Dungeon in the form of The Yeti. What the f#$% was the point of that? Ron Reis, the guy behind the toilet paper, was quoted as saying he wasn’t the original choice for The Yeti. It was originally going to be him dressed as a ninja – which eventually happened – and Giant Gonzalez dressed like a mummy. So yeah, WCW wanted to add even more to the equation with the ultimate goal of Hogan dealing with The Giant, The Yeti, and The Super Giant Ninja at World War 3. I don’t know how it can get any worse than that. If WCW apologized to me at the time and asked, “How can we make it up to you?” I would have been like Clooney at the end of From Dusk Till Dawn going, “Can't make it up to me, Carlos. I tell you, you can't do it. Can't make it up!”
Seriously, when I say “unnecessary,” I mean it. The Giant is 7’4”, 400 pounds! He has man-handled Hogan almost every time they’ve been near each other! He doesn’t need a taller guy who can barely walk helping him! And what was that walk? Was Ron Reis given zero direction at all? Half the time he walked with his arms out like a mummy and other times he walked around like a regular dude. This basic bitch can’t even.
And that bear hug. Oh god, that bear hug. I feel like the bear hug is a criminally underrated hold. The psychology of it is that you are squeezing your opponent’s torso so hard that they can’t breathe and are forced to ultimately submit or pass out. So explain to me why The Yeti would reach around, grab The Giant’s head, then HUMP HULK HOGAN’S ASSHOLE?!?!?! Good Christ almighty! THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE!!!
If you think I’m done with The Yeti I’m not even close. Let’s say there was no getting out of creating a character called “The Yeti.” Maybe Ted Turner himself had a raging hard-on for mythological creatures or something, called Eric Bischoff and said, “Edward… I love yetis. Can’t get enough of ‘em. I want you to have one on that rasslin’ program you do. If I don’t see one soon… you’re f#$%in' fired. How’s that sound?” Let’s just assume that’s what happened. Now with that in mind, I’m gonna ask you…
I mean, come on! Who gets a yeti confused with a mummy? When Bobby Heenan explained to Eric Bischoff what a yeti was last week on Nitro, do you think Bisch' sat there and quietly went, “ohhh shit… that’s definitely not what we have waiting in that block of ice?” There’s no way that didn’t happen. Had they spent some time thinking, they could have come up with a variety of solutions! This would have been acceptable…
That’s right! A MONSTER TRUCK called THE YETI! It’s BIGFOOT’S COUSIN! If WCW wasn’t so committed to having their Sumo Monster Truck MATCH on a f#$%ing roof, they could have pulled off the following: The second The Giant is in danger of losing; The Hulkster gets sideswiped by THE F#$%ING YE-TAYYY!!! Then, after the injuries sustained in the crash, combined with his broken neck, it would be MIRACULOUS to watch HULK HOGAN – THE HERO – come to the ring after The Giant stands in the center and demands he be declared WCW World Heavyweight Champion since Hogan can’t compete. You could still have The Hulkster lose when Jimmy Hart turns! Seriously, someone needs to start paying me to do this shit. You know what else would have been acceptable? This…
The guy looks like a damn Sasquatch! I know he might not have been 100% healthy at the time, but he would have done a one-off if you threw the right money at him. All he had to do was a bear hug. I'm sure it would have been better than what we got. Modify his gear and have him show up instead of a goddamn mummy! This isn’t hard! Better yet, just do this…
PUT A GUY IN A YETI COSTUME! Can’t find one? MAKE ONE! Who does The Master’s makeup? Get that person! Hell, get Ted Turner to call George Lucas and find out who designed the Wampa in Empire. Have that person make something similar. Ted has money, doesn’t he? Spend that paper! You know how cool this actually could have been? No. You don’t because WCW gave us a f#$%ing mummy when we expected a yeti and I can’t accept that. They are bastard people.
Oh yeah, before we get started, there’s this:
WCW World Heavyweight Champion – The Giant? (defeated Hulk Hogan at Halloween Havoc ’95 via DQ)
WCW United States Champion – Sting (defeated Meng in a tournament final at Great American Bash ’95)
WCW World Television Champion – Johnny B. Badd (defeated Diamond Dallas Page at Halloween Havoc ’95)
WCW World Tag Team Champions – Harlem Heat (defeated The American Males on WCW: Saturday Night)
Detonating Nitro: Episode 9 – Halloween Hangover
9:00 PM – A dusty apartment is lit only by dim rays of sunlight piercing through the blinds. A phone rings… and rings… and rings. We enter a bedroom where a man lays on his stomach, face buried into his pillow. He grabs the receiver of the phone and hangs it up. Within seconds the ringing is back. He rolls over to show us his disheveled face. It has character. He’s a man who has seen things.
Aggravated, he reaches over and picks up the phone. “What?” he grumbles. The voice on the other end explains, “Jack, you need to get down here. Irwin’s Canned Goods. Damndest thing I ever saw. We need ya.” Jack lets out a long sigh. “Give me twenty, Chief. Oh… and there better be coffee.” The Chief starts to shout, “Coffee? What do I look like, you condescending pri…” as Jack hangs up.
Jack sits up in bed. He fumbles for something on his nightstand. Among his badge, prescription meds, empty bottle of Johnnie Walker, and 9mm pistol, he grabs a half-smoked cigarette and a matchbook. He lights it up and takes a long drag. “God, I hate Tuesdays.”
9:00:31 PM – If you don’t see what I’m doing with the opening credits video then you’re failing to see an artist at work. That being said, Eric Bischoff welcomes us to Dayton, Ohio with a fireworks display. He talks about how shocking Halloween Havoc was and promises to bring us footage of what happened. If this becomes a consistent thing, fans won’t have to order the pay-per-views.
Bischoff sells it as if the footage isn’t even at the building yet. I hope to GOD they cut away during a match to show someone pulling up in a limo carrying a box full of VHS tapes. That would make my life complete.
9:01 PM – The Brain says some things. Mongo says some things. Pepe is dressed like a witch with wings. Mongo says, “last night they saw something they ain’t never seen in the history of pay-per-view television.” This is actually true. Never before in history has anyone ordered a pay-per-view that featured Hulk Hogan getting double penetrated raw dog by a 7-foot Giant and an 8-foot mummy.
Bischoff turns the attention to “Macho Man” Randy Savage, who managed to beat both The Zodiac – who replaced Kamala – and Lex Luger in the same night. Only problem is, he tried to help The Hulkster and got his ass kicked for it. Said ass kicking was so severe that Savage is unable to compete tonight on Nitro.
9:02 PM – In his place, Eddie Guerrero will go one-on-one with… goddammit… Sgt. Craig Pittman. What did I do to you, WCW? Things were going so well. The Pitbull comes to the ring and I’m already bored. Save me, Eddie.
Seriously. How could you not want to punch this face?
9:03 PM – In the most time-appropriate reference yet, Eric Bischoff says that “so many people are calling in and faxing in to find out what happened last night.” That’s right. Before there was Twitter… before there was Facebook… before there was Tout… before there was even email in every home… there were fax machines… and people used those fax machines to contact WCW to find out the results of the pay-per-views they didn’t order.
Eddie is out next. I really want his white and red sparkly ring jacket. The opening bell rings and they circle up.
9:04 PM – The feeling out process is pretty good, with Pittman trying to force Guerrero to freestyle wrestle, which is his background. The first time they get a good grip on each other, Pittman picks up Eddie and drives him to the canvas. Then… he stands there.
Eddie tries a double leg takedown, but Pittman scoops him up and slams him again. Next time they hook up, Guerrero gives him a taste of his own medicine with a slam of his own. It was a shorter version of the "Memphis" opening of a match. The Pitbull doesn’t appreciate that, so he punches Eddie in the back of the head the next time they try to grasp each other. Guess he’s a heel now too. Add him to the list along with Lex, Jimmy Hart, Ric Flair – more on that later – and everyone else I’m forgetting.
9:05 PM – Pittman works Eddie over with some punches to the jaw and ribs. Eddie begins to fire back as Easy E talks about the next pay-per-view, the first ever World War 3. What’s a World War 3? Glad you asked. World War 3 was WCW’s answer to The Royal Rumble. Whenever the WWF had a great idea, WCW would try to make it bigger and better. So instead of having one ring with 30 guys entering in intervals, WCW decided to set up three rings with 60 guys all starting at the same time. It’s absolute chaos. Two rings looks cool when they break out War Games. Three rings looks even crazier. I’m sure if WCW were still in business they would have worked their way up to 12 rings for some sort of convoluted premise. TNA would already be there if they could afford it.
9:06 PM – Eddie gets Pittman down for a two count, but is soon cut off with a shitty clothesline. There’s zero pace to what’s going on, like they don’t know what to do. Eddie is in control, then Pittman is in control. Pittman tries a schoolboy, but immediately lets go for some reason. Pitbull’s track record is in line with what I remember.
Pittman starts focusing on the arm, which Eddie was dealing with two weeks ago. Bischoff informs us that the footage has arrived. There’s no cutaway, to my dismay. Eddie finally brings the crowd to life with a reverse springboard cross-body that was a thing of beauty. It gets a two count, to which Pittman responds with an overhead belly-to-belly followed by a gutwrench powerbomb. Instead of going for a pin after two high impact moves, he whips the agile Guerrero off the ropes. Eddie jumps into a wheelbarrow, rolls through, and takes Pittman out with a surprise victory roll. The fans jump to their feet, which is a good sign for Guerrero’s future.
(SBK Note: I still hate everything about Pittman. There was no rhyme or reason to his offense. Eddie did everything he could to carry that match. The surprise victory roll works here in that Eddie was barely getting in any kind of offense. He needed to pull a rabbit out of his hat. Pittman just doesn’t have that It Factor to keep me interested in anything he does. The match wasn’t bad, but wasn’t anything to remember either.)
9:09 PM – Bischoff calls it an “upset victory,” but when you consider how Eddie and Pittman’s careers played out, it’s far from it. After a series of replays, Bischoff sends us to commercial with a graphic of Scott Norton and Shark. Yay.
9:12 PM – We return with Eric Bischoff wishing Evander Holyfield good luck. As a boxing fan my curiosity drives me to Wikipedia to check out which upcoming fight he’s referring to. Oh shit, it was the rubber match with Riddick Bowe! Their first two fights were fantastic! The first ended with Bowe getting a unanimous decision win in the 1992 Fight of the Year. Holyfield eeked out a majority decision in the rematch after a guy parachuted into the ring during the 7th round, which some say turned the tide of the fight. In the third, the one Bischoff is referring to, Holyfield loses via TKO in the 8th in a heavyweight knockdown drag-out. It was the first knockout loss of Holyfield's career. Way to jinx him, Bisch'.
Oh and they’re playing clips from the second episode of Nitro where Shark landed on Norton’s legs in front of the referee, allowing Mach’ to hit him with the elbow for the win. Then they show clips from the locker room fight they had last week because they think a match between Scott Norton and Shark needs a backstory.
9:14 PM – As Shark-quake heads to the ring, Bisch and Mongo explain that Bobby Heenan just up and left. You would too if you had to sit four feet from Mongo for an hour every Monday. Basically we are experiencing a worst-case scenario in the broadcast booth.
Scott Norton is out next and I guess he’s a babyface now? I’m asking because WCW is really blurring the lines. These things need to be established so the crowd knows what to do.
9:15 PM – The two behemoths lock horns as soon as the bell rings with Shark getting the better of it. He belly-to-belly suplexes Norton, then drops an elbow for a two count. They’re back on their feet. Shark sends him to the corner, but Norton fires out with a clothesline that staggers our underwater ally. A second clothesline gets the same response. He heads to the top and comes up just short on a shoulder tackle that Shark sells all the way back to the opposite corner. It looked like shit.
Then Norton gets the closest he’ll ever be to a WrestleMania 3 moment when he body slams Shark in the middle of the ring. The fans eat it up, but it only gets a two count because Norton forgot the leg drop. Norton beats up on Shark some more. Norton tries to Irish whip Shark, but it’s reversed. Shark tries a clothesline, but Norton goes under. He comes back and they greet each other with…
9:16 PM – A DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! It’s sloppy as all hell, but dammit if it isn’t my favorite spot in all of wrestling. I once wrestled Billy Gunn and when he called a double clothesline in the locker room, it took a lot for me not to start jumping around like an excited toddler. That was a self-taught lesson in maintaining a poker face if I ever got one.
9:17 PM – The camera uses the double-down to cut to Bobby Heenan’s whereabouts. He’s having a candlelit meal in the audience at a table next to Sonny Onoo (get it?) and surrounded by a handful of below average middle-aged women. I hope that was done on purpose. Who is Sonny Onoo? Glad you asked. Sonny Onoo was just a Japanese guy who Eric Bischoff met threw karate. He was a legit fighter, but was now in WCW as a manager through his friendship with Bisch’. He had appeared on WCW television several times before in various roles, but this was his first time in the role that would make him marginally famous… among wrestling fans… who specifically watched WCW… in the 90’s.
Nothing really happens between the two. They’re just kind of chatting as we cut back to the action. Norton and Shark are brawling outside the ring. The bell rings and we have a double count-out. Why? Because Norton/Shark is f#$%ing MONEY and there NEEDS to be a return match.
Speaking of Shark, his gimmick got me thinking of what WCW would have done with a few of the WWF guys from the mid-to-late 90’s and beyond. Like, what would happen if someone in a WCW creative meeting came up with the name “The Viper” Randy Orton or “The Animal” Batista? In what direction would they take it? We already saw what happened when someone suggested The Yeti. I’ll sprinkle in a few examples throughout this piece for your entertainment…
“Hunter” Hearst Helmsley
9:18 PM – They fight to the back as the timekeeper continues to ring the bell. Then we see Heenan talking to Onoo some more. He name-drops all the WCW shows while slipping and referring to their Sunday night show Main Event as Saturday Night’s Main Event. Onoo hands him an envelope. What is he, an indie promoter? Now they're popping bottles. Nevermind. Indie promoters can't afford to do that.
9:19 PM – Mean Gene must be out sick because Tony Schiavone is standing in the ring ready to conduct an interview. He promises footage of the conclusion of Halloween Havoc, but also shows us pictures of what happened in the tag team match pitting Ric Flair and Sting against Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman. You see, what had happened was Flair got attacked earlier in the night, so he was out of the equation. Sting was forced to go it alone for most of the match until Naitch showed up in his khakis. It’s basically what happened on Nitro two weeks ago, but the opposite. Only this time, when Sting made the hot tag to Flair, the dirtiest player in the game turned around and decked the US Champion. Flair does this kind of thing every six to eight weeks, so get used to it. Schiavone introduces Flair, Arn, and Pillman.
9:21 PM – Arn is dressed like my uncle. Pillman is dressed like an ex-con. And Flair is dressed like my dad when he has to go to a business casual work function. Basically, The Three/Four Horsemen have evolved into your mom’s “friends” she used to invite over after you went to bed.
9:22 PM – Pillman recaps his version of what happened at Havoc, saying they are one step closer to recreating the symbol of excellence. He’s cutting those loud, intense promos Flair used to murder back in the day. Flyin’ Brian was mesmerizing. Arn is up next and says that people have been asking him for years about when they would reassemble The Four Horsemen.
Flair is all pumped up, hitting the ropes like he just bumped a rail off Diamond Doll’s tits. He’s back to the insane promo style we all know and love. The fans are cheering for them, which is counterproductive to their cause. Flair calls out Sting for next week on Nitro. That’s what I’m talkin’ bout. He better bring backup.
9:23 PM – The promo ends with them posing and strutting while we flip to a graphic of Sabu and Disco Inferno. Here’s another WCW take on a WWF guy to hold you over during commercials…
Goldust
9:27 PM – We return from break with the WCW: Saturday Night preview. Chris Benoit will go at it with Alex Wright, whose leg injury has already healed. Ric Flair and Arn Anderson will team up to beat The Renegade and Cobra. Newly-crowned WCW Tag Team Champions Harlem Heat will defend against The Blue Bloods as well! Upload these, WWE Network. UPLOAD EM!
9:28 PM – Sabu comes a running to the ring. At Halloween Havoc, he pinned Mr. JL clean in the middle of the ring. He had his uncle The Sheik in his corner; who lit his signature fireball in JL’s face after the match. It probably would have been more effective if JL wasn’t wearing a mask, but it still looked pretty cool.
Bischoff begins to tell us about the premise for next week’s Nitro. He wants to get the fans involved, but more importantly, drive business on the WCW Hotline. He tells us that the fans get to call the shots and pick the matches. In the red locker room, they have Big Bubba, Scott Norton, Ric Flair, The Blue Bloods, Shark, Meng, and DDP. In the blue locker room, they’ll have Mach’, Sting, Hacksaw, Johnny B. Badd, and The Nasty Boys. So I guess fans will get to pick someone from the red locker room and the blue locker room to compete against each other. If they don’t vote Meng vs. Johnny B. Badd for the TV Title, then they’re not using the WCW Hotline properly.
9:29 PM – Heenan is back in the booth and Disco dances around the ring. I hope this is a quick one for Sabu. It’s starting to come back to me as to why I never liked Disco Inferno. The guy was ALWAYS on TV when I flipped from Raw to Nitro. I could flip it on at 9:59 and they’d find a way to make me watch Disco. Same thing used to happen with Meng, but Meng is cool. The Disco Inferno character is annoying – and intentionally so.
Sabu tries to catch Disco, but can’t seem to do it. In a brilliant fake-out, he shoots for a single-leg takedown, which Disco sidesteps, only for Sabu to pop up and punch him in the mouth. It looked like something you’d see in UFC. Very impressive little opening.
9:30 PM – Sabu is all over Disco, whipping him chest-first into the corner, then coming back with a springboard leg lariat off the middle rope. As Disco gets to his feet, Sabu catches him with a springboard dropkick. I still can’t get over the fact that this guy was on a “per appearance” deal that only got him $500 a match. He poses with the finger point then tries to pin Disco. It only gets a two.
Disco eventually reverses an Irish whip, ducks a running clothesline, and does that hair-whip face-first slam all the Divas learn how to do. You know the one. He beals Sabu out of the corner because apparently Disco is 6’8” and Sabu is 5’5”. He follows it up with a running clothesline that levels the suicidal, genocidal, homicidal maniac. Then he dances.
9:33 PM – Disco works over his opponent until he misses a splash in the corner. He’s down so Sabu heads to the apron, grabs the top rope, and flips himself back into the ring, leg dropping Inferno. That’s all she wrote.
9:34 PM – After the bell, Sabu tosses Disco to the outside. Sabu flings himself over the top onto Disco, looking for a hurricanrana, but Disco’s legs give out and Sabu basically powerbombs himself. Ouch. Disco sells it like he took a whoopee cushion. Sabu disappears as Disco heads toward the back.
9:35 PM – No wait! It’s Sabu! He catches Disco in the face with a table! He sets it up next to the ring. Lays Disco on the table, gets into the ring, then flips himself over the top onto the table… where Disco used to be. He bailed fast as Sabu ate it. Worst part is, the table didn’t break! There was barely any give! You know how much that had to suck? Disco Inferno runs to the back as Sabu throws the ring steps around in anger. Commercial time.
9:38 PM – See what I did there? In the unlikeliest of unlikely scenarios, Lex Luger, the newest member of The Dungeon of Doom, is teaming up with the man who jabbed him in the throat with a golden spike the night before AND a few weeks ago… Meng. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Talk about a situation where a guy doesn’t fit in. I never bought Lex as a WWF Superstar. Nobody bought him as a Horseman. In the future, nobody will buy him in the nWo. And now, nobody is going to buy him in The Dungeon.
9:39 PM – Jimmy Hart and The Taskmaster lead the mismatched team to the ring. Their opponents are the guys who just lost the WCW Tag Team Championship… The American Males. They better make this quick. They have a gangbang to get to.
Oh hey, did you know there are TWO music videos starring The American Males? More on those the next time they make a Nitro appearance. Also, if anyone here can tell me how to embed a YouTube video properly, it would be a tremendous help.
9:40 PM – The American Males tag a lot of hands on the way to the ring. The mothers of the kids who were fortunate enough to feel the touch of Riggs and Bagwell force them to run to the bathroom and wash their dirty palms. They smell like Drakkar.
My hand to Hogan, seconds after I write that Drakkar line, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan says The American Males have a second job at a department store spraying cologne on customers. That’s like when you make a comment during a football game and the commentator says the same thing immediately after. You feel good inside. Only this time it’s one of my idols. I could pass out.
The bell goes off and Scotty Riggs has to start with Meng. The ring general is clearly Meng, who dictates the pace, trapping Riggs in the corner and wailing away with chops, kicks, and punches as we go to commercial. If we come back and he’s unrecognizable, I won’t be surprised.
“The Doctor of Thuganomics” John Cena
9:44 PM – We’re back and Marcus Bagwell has Luger in an arm-wringer. He tags in Riggs, who drops a standing elbow off the top rope. Luger is in trouble. I feel like I can count Lex’s offensive maneuvers on one hand since his return. I would have gone heel too. Riggs stays on the arm before making a quick tag to Bagwell. They go through the exact same exchange with Bagwell taking the arm, tagging Riggs, Lex getting hit with a top rope shot to the arm, and back to the arm-wringer by Riggs.
Lex finally goes, “alright, enough of this shit” and knees Scotty in the gut. Luger tries to work feeling back into his arm and shoots Riggs into a neutral corner. He charges, but eats a kick followed by a second. Why would he ever tag into the match in the first place? You’ve wrestled Meng twice since you’ve been back and he’s put it on you both times. Let him handle it. You know he can.
9:45 PM – Riggs is rockin’ and rollin’ as he Irish whips Luger, looking for a back body drop. One of my favorite things in all of wrestling is when a veteran calls an audible and says, “Nope… not taking that move.” Ric Flair did it like a champ when he sandbagged The Undertaker on the Last Ride at WrestleMania 18. Luger just did it here. He literally took the greatest bad bump I’ve ever seen. He basically said, “You’re shittin’ yourself if you think I’m flipping over your big ass.” Someone even goes, “WOOOAAAAH” when Riggs bends over for it. Heenan and Bisch’ both go, “nice… nice… very nice.” It’s probably my favorite part of this entire episode.
9:46 PM – Unfortunately, The Total Package kicks out at two. During the pin, Meng tried to get in the ring so Bagwell hopped in to stop him. Nick Patrick admonishes Bagwell while Luger reverses an Irish whip, sending Riggs into the waiting arms of Meng. He slaps on a bear hug while Luger hits the ropes and comes back with a biiiiig clothesline! HART ATTACK! They seriously pulled out The Hart Foundation’s finisher!
Luger makes matters worse by kicking Riggs in the ribs. He does it again because he’s a dirty son of a bitch. He stunguns Scotty, then tags Meng… who jabbed him in the throat with a golden spike less than 24 hours earlier. How the hell do these two ever coexist on any planet?
Meng clotheslines him, complete with Riggs taking the worst bump anyone has ever taken off a clothesline. After a few shots, Meng nearly paralyzes him with a backbreaker. He tags in Luger, who comes off the second with the 145th double ax-handle in Nitro history. Luger tries a back body drop, but instead of sandbagging him as a receipt, Scotty sails over him with a sunset flip for a one count. Riggs tries to find his corner, but Luger is up to stop him with a clothesline.
9:48 PM – Meng is tagged in to make life worse for Scotty. Meng chops him so hard that it looks like he’s pissed about getting his skillet-like mitts covered in baby oil. He picks him up just to body slam him back to the mat. Looking for a finishing blow, Meng hits the ropes and tries a running somersault senton, but comes up empty as Riggs gets out of the way. This is your chance, Scotty!
He reaches for Bagwell’s outstretched hand, but Meng tags Luger, who grabs Scotty for a reverse suplex! Scotty flips almost all the way over, lands kind of safely, crawls between Luger’s legs, and tags Bagwell! Get your rape whistles ready, ladies! The American Males are ready to party! Bagwell starts mowing through Luger! Typically, during a hot tag, the illegal heel partner gets involved, only to feed himself to the babyface. That’s become pretty much the standard over the years. Meng just stands on the apron like a boss because he’s a genius. He’s watching Luger finally take a back body drop. Why would he even bother? That shit hurts.
9:50 PM – Bagwell tries a cross-body, but Luger catches him because he’s super strong. Jimmy Hart hops up on the apron, but Riggs comes in and dropkicks Bagwell, allowing him to fall on top of Luger. The American Males have it won, but Nick Patrick isn’t there to make the count. Meng is ready to make his move. He stomps Bagwell’s head, savate kicks Riggs out of the ring, and throws a karate kick to the back of Bagwell’s head. Luger hoists Bagwell up onto his shoulders for the Torture Rack as Jimmy Hart releases Nick Patrick from his distracting gaze. Within seconds he calls for the bell. Ladies of Dayton, Ohio… you can sleep safely tonight.
Bischoff sends it to the final commercial of the evening as The Dungeon of Doom members celebrate.
9:54 PM – Bischoff wishes all the kids watching a safe and Happy Halloween. That was nice of him. Bisch’ also plugs Snickers, their sponsor. Bobby is sippin’ some champy until Mongo… the dickhead… sprays him in the face with silly string. After some playful shenanigans, Easy E sends it to the footage of from Halloween Havoc. I won’t go over it in complete detail like I did earlier, but I will provide a few stray observations:
- When Jimmy Hart cracks Pee-Wee with the belt, the camera doesn’t even catch it. We just see him drop as Hogan hits the Atomic Leg Drop. Now I don’t know if this is the original cut from the live show or WWE edited the sequence on the pay-per-view because you DO see it when it happens on The Network’s version of the full show.
- The Giant cinches in the weakest bear hug I’ve ever seen. He puts the pressure on Hogan’s lower back, but stays chest-to-chest which looks like shit. This was his first ever televised match though, so I won’t hold it against him. He’s obviously come a looooong way since. The same can't be said for The Yeti. Pretty sure he works at Subway.
- The camera work is the definition of horrendous. Savage and Luger get to the ring and we should be able to see the heel turn in its entirety with some sort of build up even if it lasts for a second or two. Instead, the camera cuts to The Yeti, who must have been told to hit the ring because they were pressed for time.
- When The Yeti gyrates against Hogan’s backside, he starts by wrapping his arms around The Giant’s neck. What did he think that was going to do? Putting lifts in his boots to make him noticeably taller than The Giant is also counterproductive if The Giant is your monster going forward. Why should fans have to know there’s someone even bigger out there?
- “The Ye-tayyy.” Why? Why “The Ye-tayyy?”
9:57 PM – They cut back to the arena where The Giant, Lex Luger, Jimmy Hart, and The Taskmaster are in the ring. Where’s Meng? Did they tell him to kick sand? The Giant is wearing the WCW World Heavyweight Championship around his waist. I’d continue to argue that he shouldn’t have it since he won via disqualification, but who would dare try to take it from him?
Tony Schiavone is there with the mic. He casually points out that it’s not The Giant’s belt, to which The Giant replies, “THAT’S MY BELT! THAT’S MINE!” I’d be like, “Alright, it’s yours, dude. It’s yours.” Then I would have went home. Instead, Schiavone stands in the pocket and keeps the interview going.
9:57:41 PM – He turns to Jimmy Hart to get an explanation. Jimmy repeats the question and says we’ll get an answer next week on Nitro. Now if I’m Schiavone, I’d be all like, “Dude… you’re here right now with a live mic. Give me SOMETHING. I might lose my f#$%ing job.” To stir up the shit, Schiavone turns to Luger and goes, “Speaking of backstabbers…” I can honestly say Tony Schiavone has bigger balls than I do.
9:58 PM – Luger explains that it was a joy to see Hogan and Savage lying on the mat at the end of Halloween Havoc. Kevin Sullivan drops down and convulses to mock them. Luger is pissed about Hogan’s promo last week where he referred to him as a “little dog” and a “vulture.” In all fairness, he said the same thing about Sting and Randy Savage and they didn’t react by joining The Dungeon of Doom.
9:59 PM – The Giant cuts a brief promo about how nobody is gonna take that belt from him. I believe it. Sullivan is the last one to talk and he comes off like an obnoxious little weasel. I think my opinion of him is a little obscured since I know he was booking most of this stuff. The Taskmaster announces that next week on Nitro The Giant will defend the WCW World Heavyweight Championship that he isn’t allowed to defend since it’s technically not his. What if he loses a fluke match to someone like Mr. JL? Does Mr. JL have to fight Hulk Hogan, the real champion, or does he just take the belt? I don’t know!
Schiavone signs off from the ring as The Giant stands tall, Sullivan stands short, Lex Luger hits a double bicep, and Jimmy Hart runs victory laps around them. I’m friggin’ spent. I’m not even going to recap this episode because it really doesn’t need it. I’ll just leave you with this…
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin
Nitro Results (10/29/95):
Eddie Guerrero def. Sgt. Craig Pittman via pinfall
Scott Norton vs. Shark ended in a double count out
Sabu def. Disco Inferno via pinfall
Meng & Lex Luger def. The American Males via pinfall
Raw Results (10/29/95):
Goldust def. Savio Vega via pinfall – This was Goldust’s Monday Night Raw debut.
Marty Jannetty def. Joe Dorgan via pinfall
WWF Tag Team Champions The Smoking Gunns def. Phil Apollo & John Rechner via pinfall
WWF Intercontinental Championship: Razor Ramon © def. Owen Hart via disqualification
Gorilla Monsoon also made the official decision that WWF Champion Diesel would defend his title at Survivor Series against Bret “The Hitman” Hart.
Final Ratings
Nitro: 2.3
Raw: 2.1
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