Halloween Havoc ’95 is less than a week away. Will Hulk Hogan’s neck be ready? Will his mustache grow back in time? Will someone die in a freak rooftop monster truck sumo wrestling match accident? Will Ric Flair and Sting defeat Arn Anderson and Flyin’ Brian a second time? Will Sting be able to trust Naitch? Will “Macho Man” Randy Savage beat Kamala to get to Lex Luger? Will Lex Luger beat Meng to get to “Macho Man” Randy Savage? Will Meng just say “f@#% it” before shooting on Luger to screw up the plans for the evening? Will Johnny B. Badd get his revenge on Diamond Dallas Page? Will we learn about any other matches? We don’t know!
Alright, we do know. In fact, I could tell you the results of Halloween Havoc right now, but in all fairness to those following along with this series; I think it’s appropriate to watch this last episode of WCW Monday Nitro before the most outrageous pay-per-view of the year. There could be shocking developments! After all, WCW needs to bring in da noise and bring in da funk to regain the ratings lead they lost to Raw last week. This is their last chance to either put a cherry on top of or royally f#$% up what has been a tremendous built toward a major showdown.
Detonating Nitro: Episode 8 – The Ye-tayyy
9:00 PM – FADE IN: The calm of a once dark and gloomy street in an anonymous city is interrupted by a single flame streaking down the center of the pavement. Power lines short out as the fire continues its course. Its origin is unknown.
Images of strange figures dance along the buildings of this desolate avenue. Without warning, an overwhelming surge of electricity blows out the glass of the traffic lights. More unexplained projections of gladiators appear on the row homes that make up this once peaceful town.
This is more than simple vandalism. A manhole cover is sent hurtling into the night sky by the force of the fire underground. This is no gas fire. Suddenly, the windows of a third-story apartment, above an old antique shop, explode violently into the night. It sits between the Madison Hotel and the Brockerhouse Restaurant at a fork in the road.
Again we see the flames in the road, carefully and meticulously following a path to their final destination. That is when the location is revealed: The loading docks of Irwin’s Canned Goods. The flames propel toward a large, steel sign that reads “WCW Monday Nitro TNT.” When the two forces meet, the largest ball of flames we’ve seen yet is formed with nothing but sheer, unbridled force.
To be continued…
9:00:33 PM – Eric Bischoff welcomes us to Huntsville, Alabama, the home of the NASA Space Center. He says, “Halloween Havoc is T-minus 6 days away!” I see what he did there. He didn’t need to tell us we were in Huntsville though. All we had to do was look at these fans…
9:00:52 PM – Alright, that was mean. Bischoff says that WCW Monday Nitro is “the number one wrestling show anywhere in the world” which isn’t true anymore. Last week they lost 2.6 to 2.2. Play fair, Eric.
9:01 PM – Randy Savage’s music hits and they are breaking the formula of opening the show with a broadcast team meet and greet. Bischoff is so excited he drops a “where the big boys play.” Tons of energy tonight, y’all.
Kurasawa is already in the ring. The announcers talk about how Savage’s arm is injured and note the fact that Kurasawa is responsible for breaking the arm of Road Warrior Hawk… who has been on Nitro since then and has yet to interact with Kurasawa…
9:02 PM – Col. Robert Parker, being a smug, southern prick, walks up to Mach’ with his cigar in his mouth. I assume he did it because he wanted to talk shit. Problem is, the person he chose to talk shit to was the Macho Man. Without hesitating, Randy slaps the cigar from his lips and shoves him to the mat. Instead of restoring order, Pee-Wee rings the opening bell. Kurasawa attacks.
9:03 PM – So Savage has his left elbow taped, the announcer made mention to his arm injury, and they even mentioned Kurasawa’s prowess in damaging that specific limb. Naturally, Kurasawa spends the first full minute of the match chopping and kicking Mach’s legs, chest, and back. Basically everything but the arm. Did he learn NOTHING from Meng a few weeks ago? Somebody needs to pull this dude aside.
Mach’, quickly realizing Kurasawa is an idiot with zero game-plan, grabs his opponent by the tights and sends him to the outside. Kurasawa gets to his feet and poses because, I don’t know why. He must be auditioning for TNA.
9:03:28 PM – Mach’ is still selling the effects of the chops and kicks, which gives Kurasawa an opening to go after that arm, but instead, he chops him in the back of the neck. Finally, he grabs that arm… and Irish whips him. Jesus H. Christ. Savage hits the ropes and ‘Sawa picks him up for that modified White Noise slam he does. He stands up… poses… then goes for a pin. I officially hate this guy.
Mach’ kicks out while Bischoff reminds the audience of Savage’s injured arm and that Kurasawa broke Road Warrior Hawk’s arm. The announce team is doing everything short of running to the ring, hopping on the apron, and screaming “WORK THE F@#$ING ARM!!!”
9:04 PM – FINALLY, he wrenches the arm. I was gonna have a conniption fit. Someone had to have called that in to him. He throws a chop to the shoulder… lets go of the arm… and kicks Mach’ in the back of the head. What the f#$% is this guy doing? Was there a signup sheet or a sweepstakes to get to work “Macho Man” Randy Savage that he won?
Savage eventually rakes the eyes, but ‘Sawa responds with a chop to the throat. Savage rolls to the outside, but is greeted with a baseball slide.
9:05 PM – They’re back in the ring. This time, Kurasawa grabs the arm, extends it over his head, and drives it down across his shoulder. Had he been working on it from the opening bell, he could be on his way home already. Instead, he follows it with another kick to the head. Mach’ retaliates with a kick to the gut as we go to a much needed commercial.
9:08 PM – Halloween Havoc promo airs.
9:09 PM – Kurasawa is back in control. He stands Macho Man in the corner, firing away with knife-edge chops to the pectoral muscles. Savage tries to rally back, but is literally kicked in the ass, which sends him outside again. ‘Sawa tries another baseball slide, but Savage has it scouted. He sells to the ring post, but Kurasawa follows. ‘Sawa tries a karate kick to the head, but Savage bails, which causes Kurasawa to wrap his ankle around the post. Ouch.
In a bit of a clusterf#%$, they are back in the ring with Kurasawa trying a single-arm takedown. Savage drives him chest first into the ropes, which the announcers pass off as him injuring ‘Sawa’s throat. Then Randy clubs him in the back of the head. It was a great sequence in theory, but clunky as all hell. Mach’ sees the opening and heads to the top. He launches himself into the air, then comes crashing down with the flying elbow. Goodnight.
That match was the shits.
(SBK Note: Seriously. It’s HARD to shit on a match involving the Macho Man, but goddamn. That was brutal. The lack of psychology and zero story-telling made it hard to watch. At no point did I feel like they were genuinely competing. No part of Kurasawa’s overall “game-plan” led me to believe he would win. Savage also seemed to be going through the motions. If you’re not telling a story, then you’re just two dudes pretending to beat each other up. Oh yeah, as it turns out, Kurasawa and Road Warrior Hawk are scheduled to wrestle at Halloween Havoc. You would think the announcers would mention that confrontation or some effort would be made to preserve him going into that match.)
9:12 PM – They give us two replays of the super duper flying elbow. They cut to the commentary booth where Mongo is wearing the ugliest denim cowboy shirt I’ve ever seen. Poor Pepe is forced to wear something similar. Bischoff informs us that Hulk Hogan is there LIVE and so is The Giant. In the main event tonight, Sting will team up with Lex Luger to face Harlem Heat. Why? Well… because.
9:13 PM – The lights go out mid-sentence. That’s when The Master – the leader of The Dungeon of Doom – appears on a video screen or in the arena. I can't tell. He's sitting upon a throne. His promo is as follows:
“SULLIVAN, MY SON! THE INSURANCE PACKAGE HAS BEEN DELIVERED! FROM NOOOOORTH OF KATHMANDU! FROM THE HIMALAYAS! AND FROM THE NORTH FACE OF MOUNT EVEREST! THE SHERPA GUIDES HAVE DUG OUT A THIRTEEN TON OF ICE! (The camera pans to the giant “block of ice” in the arena.) SULLIVAN, IN CHICAAAGOOOO… WHEN YOOOUUU CLIPPED THE WHISKERS OF THE RARE WHITE BENGAL TIGER, HE (inaudible) HE HAS NOW SURRENDERED HIS COLORS! HE WANDERS IN DARKNESS! YOU SEE, MY SON, THE EYES OF THE DEMON WILL COME CALLING ON HULK HOGAN AT HAAAALLOWEEEEEEN HAVOC!!!”
Just to recap what’s happening; WCW wants its viewers to believe that a higher power known as The Master (whose makeup artist is fantastic) ordered an insurance policy for The Giant. This insurance policy that we’re supposed to accept is in the form of a thirteen ton block of ice that was somehow transported safely, and in one piece, through a team assembled by The Master from Mount Everest to Huntsville, Alabama. Oh yeah, and they’ve turned Hulk Hogan evil even though they plan to fight him at Halloween Havoc.
Bischoff tries his hardest to sell it, but even he isn’t buying it. He sends it to Gene Okerlund, who is standing in the ring with The Giant and “The Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan. Oh good. This should make sense of everything.
9:14 PM – To clear things up, The Taskmaster explains that The Master went with the Sherpa guides to bring them the Yeti. Oh okay. That’s all ya had to… wait… what?
Sullivan says stuff about “darkness” and “insurance.” Gene turns it over to The Giant, who tells Hogan, the biggest cat in the jungle, that he’s running out of lives. Not bad. The Giant guarantees a title win, then laughs out loud. It should have ended there, but Sullivan feels the need to talk about Hogan’s mustache and the insurance policy some more. Gene sends it back to Bischoff.
Alright, three things: 1. Why would The Giant EVER need an insurance policy? Every time he gets his hands on the WCW World Heavyweight Champion, he performs the dreaded Hollywood Neck Snap. If anyone else tries to get involved, he chokeslams them out of their shoes. I’m pretty positive he doesn’t need backup. 2. 11 year-old SBK was fully expecting an abominable snowman to show up at Halloween Havoc. You can’t say “Yeti” and not produce a furry man-beast. That would just be cruel. And 3. What kind of insurance company does one call to order a Yeti? I want that number.
9:18 PM – Easy E throws it to the Halloween Havoc graphic. They can’t say Monster Sumo Trucks enough. That has to be the coolest concept in the world, if you’re a little kid.
9:22 PM – After a quick commercial break, we get a Slim Jim commercial starring Mach’. How did WWE get the rights to this? Wouldn’t that be a property of the people over at Slim Jim International? Again… these are the things I think about.
9:23 PM – Back in the arena, Mean Gene is still hanging out in the ring. In back-to-back segments, we get The Giant and The Taskmaster followed by WCW World Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan. Wouldn’t they have passed each other in Gorilla? Did WCW even have a Gorilla Position? Would it have been called something else? Maybe the Solie Stop? The Watts Walkway? Herd Hall? The Crockett Curtain?
Oh yeah, it’s also worth noting that Mean Gene introduced Hogan as “The star of Thunder in Paradise.” What was Thunder in Paradise? I’m glad you asked!
Thunder in Paradise was a show that lasted for one season in 1994 based off two low-budget straight-to-video action movies starring Hulk Hogan as a mercenary whose prime location for carrying out his work was at a resort near Daytona. His co-star was a character named Brubaker, who in real life was the son of classic actor Jack Lemmon. Together, they fought bad guys with their super high-tech speedboat named… you guessed it… Thunder. To top it all off, Spencer (Hogan) and Brubaker lived together while raising Spencer’s young daughter while remaining undercover as a gay couple.
Alright, that last part of that last detail might have been made up, but you believed it for a second, right? Either way, WCW was still hanging on to that mild accomplishment from the year before.
9:24 PM – Hogan doesn’t even bother going all the way to the ring. Gene greets him in the aisle. This location eventually grew into a hotspot for WCW promos. In an attempt to outshine The Taskmaster, The Hulkster combines a slew of spiritual works:
“But even though I walk through the valley of the Dungeon of Doom, brother, I fear no evil, dude, because the only thing to fear is evil itself, brother! And even though I walk through that dark valley, there’s only one set of footprints, brother! I don’t fear no man (double negative) cuz on my back I carry all those Little HulkaManiacs that believe in the prayers, the training, and the vitamins, brother!”
Shit, son. I loved it when Paul Heyman did it recently to put over Brock Lesnar and I love it just as much here. My dude even went and threw in a Footprints in the Sand reference. He’s a goodamn poet, brother! Also, if priests delivered sermons with as many “brothers” and “dudes” as Hogan just spit, I’d be at church every Sunday. Something to think about, Catholics.
9:25 PM – Hogan goes on to say that he may consider keeping his black gloves and bandana after he disposes of The Giant. Well that’s pretty interesting, right there. The Hulkster tears off the neck brace and throws it on the ground. Then he threatens to drag The Giant around with his Harley after their match. He had to get a motorcycle reference in, huh? Monster trucks weren’t enough for ya, were they, Bisch?
9:26 PM – Mean Gene brings up Hogan’s old friends Sting, Savage, and Luger. Hogan gets all amped up, calling them “The Sting, The Macho Man, and Lex Luger” as if they’re the holy trinity. He says he’s willing to teach all three of them a lesson after he’s done with The Giant. He needs to calm down. Maybe take a warm bath. He’s getting in way over his head. You have a Sumo Monster Truck Match to prepare for, brother.
9:27 PM – They waste no time cutting to the WCW: Saturday Night preview! The American Males will take a break from sampling different colognes to put their WCW Tag Team titles on the line against Harlem Heat. Lex Luger and The Shark will go head-to-head. Plus, Hulk Hogan will be there to make a few more points!
9:27:46 PM – In the arena, Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit head to the ring. Bobby Heenan makes an articulate observation about the psychology of Hulk Hogan. Mongo says, “Take it easy over there, kid! You’re gettin’ red in the face. You’ll sit over there and have a heart attack. I’ll jump on your chest a little bit, but I sure ain’t givin’ ya mouth to mouth. No tellin’ where that mouth’s been!”
Did he just make a reference to sucking dick? I feel like that’s what that was.
9:28 PM – Eddie Guerrero, Mr. JL, and Alex Wright on crutches are out next. That’s an unexpected turn of events. What happened to Alex? Before we get that answer, Bisch briefly announces an upcoming tournament to crown the inaugural Cruiserweight Champion. That’s HUGE. The brush that aside to talk about Alex Wright’s injured knee. They don’t really explain how it happened. They just point out that it’s injured. Well thanks, guys. My eyes weren’t working properly. You’re a big help.
9:29 PM – Before the bell rings, Eddie and Benoit are shoving each other, chomping at the bit to rekindle the fire they sparked last week. Settle down, guys. You have about another 10 years to wrestle each other before shit gets tragic.
The opening bell sounds and Guerrero and Benoit choose to start things off. Eric Bischoff speculates as to what the “JL” in Mr. JL stands for. All someone has to do is tell him it’s just the least creative acronym ever. Speaking of Mr. JL; do you think he’s standing on the apron right now watching Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, and Dean Malenko and feeling like a real asshole because he has to wear that stupid outfit? These guys all get to use life-like personas and he’s out there dressed like a Japanese cartoon character.
9:30 PM – After a series of holds are exchanged, Malenko gets involved. Benoit shoots Guerrero off, who ducks under tandem leap frogs. Malenko gets out of the way to allow Benoit to throw a hip-toss. Eddie takes it, then Malenko tries to get himself hip-tossed onto Eddie. He moves out of the way, but “The Man of 1,000 Holds” lands on his feet. Eddie rolls to the floor out of self-preservation, but Malenko hurls himself over the top onto him. Hard to keep up with these little fellas!
Malenko grabs and holds Eddie for Benoit to perform a… heh… suicide dive. Eddie bails, causing Malenko to take the brunt of the dive. As they get back to their feet, Mr. JL is launched over the top by Eddie. The good guys are on a roll!
9:32 PM – Now here’s the bullshit I don’t like. Eddie and JL just got the advantage. It’s established that Malenko and Benoit are tough opponents. Instead of staying on them, Eddie allows Malenko to get back into the ring and reestablish himself. Sure, Eddie grabs control, but why give them a chance? This is supposed to be a fight.
Either way, this all leads to a gorgeous exchange that results in Eddie getting dropkicked, followed by another series that ends with Malenko taking a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.
9:33 PM – JL is tagged in. They whip Malenko to the opposite corner where Eddie waits in the middle of the ring. JL charges and Eddie launches him over his head onto Malenko in the corner. Had Jerry Lynn not had such a shitty gimmick, they could have been a sweet team. Wait… what’s going on…?
9:33:18 PM – Bischoff says there’s a fight in the back. Scott Norton and The Shark are wailing away on each other. Why the f#$% would I care about this? According to Easy E they are rehashing that time over a month ago where Shark landed on Norton’s legs to cost him that match against Mach’. You wait till NOW to do this? I forgot Scott Norton was even alive. Out of sight, out of mind. Jerry Lynn just head-scissored the shit out of Benoit and you’re gonna split my screen for THIS? Like, I know Halloween Havoc needs more matches, but there are surely better ways to go about setting them up. Am I wrong?
Oh wait… they’re not setting up a match for Halloween Havoc? Then what the hell are we watching?
9:34 PM – They finally return to the live action in the ring. We catch JL slipping up and getting decked by Malenko, who is on the apron. Benoit tags him in, does the Mr. Perfect flip/neck deal, which Malenko follows with a dropkick to the back of the dome. Dean slaps on Hold #324, the abdominal stretch, as Bisch sends us to commercial.
9:38 PM – We’re back with a wide shot of the packed house. It’s got to be cool to take wide shots of the building you filled. I wonder if that’s on Dixie Carter’s Christmas List?
So yeah, Malenko is still working on JL. He tags Benoit who dumps JL with a reverse suplex. The Canadian Crippler tries to powerbomb the soul out of him, but the masked sensation hangs on for an arm drag. Benoit finds a way to regain momentum, then tags Malenko. He beats JL’s ass a little bit, then tags Benoit. Dizzying pace here.
9:40 PM – Benoit drops JL’s guts across the top rope. He ends up on the apron, but cuts Benoit off. He heads to the top, but Malenko grabs his foot. Benoit climbs, hooks, and superplexes the shit out of JL, concussing himself in the process. There’s no way he didn’t. He tries a cover, but Eddie breaks it up.
Malenko is tagged in, trying a back slide. JL reverses it and almost steals one. An Irish whip happens, there’s a duck or two, and ultimately, Mr. JL lands a spinning European uppercut on Malenko. They’re both down. Now is his chance to tag!
9:42 PM – Eddie is in there, flying all over the place. He dropkicks Malenko! He dropkicks Benoit from the apron! He throws a sloppy enziguri at Malenko! He takes a flip bump off no contact to expose the business! Eddie holds Dean’s hand! He runs up the ropes in his own corner, simultaneously tagging Mr. JL! Eddie pops off the top rope, arm dragging Malenko while also head-scissoring Benoit!
What happened next was something I needed to watch a few times to process what happened. Eddie has Malenko in one corner. JL has Benoit in the opposite. It looks like they’re going to whip the heels into each other. Only Benoit reverses JL, sending him into a clothesline from Malenko. Eddie charges Malenko from behind. Malenko ducks because he has eyes in the back of his head. Eddie’s momentum takes him to Benoit, who hip-tosses him over the top, taking the Rabid Wolverine with him. At least I think that’s what happened.
9:44 PM – In the ring the legal men, Malenko and JL, are standing. Malenko goes to whip JL, but he reverses. When Dean hits the ropes, Alex Wright trips him with his crutch! What a dick move! JL jumps onto Malenko’s shoulders, executing a victory roll for the win! The underdogs did it! They cheated, but they did it!
9:45 PM – As Eddie tries to beat his teammates to the locker room, Brian Pillman attacks him from behind! What is he doing there?! He DDT’s Eddie on the concrete, throws up the four fingers, and bounces before JL can get to him.
Well… not exactly. He actually hung around for a few, but JL was more concerned with checking on Guerrero. Pillman even took the time to spit on them. Still, Mr. JL does nothing. I almost broke a bottle over a man’s head once for spitting on me. That’s one of those situations where it’s perfectly acceptable to beat someone within an inch of their life. Was Jerry Lynn THAT down on his wrestling career that he didn’t even bother to retaliate?
Pillman: (Hoch-tooey!) Take that, you piece of shit!
Mr. JL: (Hanging his head) I knooowww.
Pillman had all the time in the world to walk away.
9:46 PM – Bischoff says Commissioner Bockwinkel will be taking a look at this situation, but he won’t. As much as I love my Great Uncle Nick, he’s pretty much the worst Commissioner ever. We never see him and nothing he does holds water. Are the American Males still Tag Team Champions? I rest my case.
When we come back, Lex Luger and Sting go at it with Harlem Heat!
9:49 PM – We come back for our last Halloween Havoc promo. I’m gonna miss these. World War 3 better have some good commercials.
They cut to a shot of that giant block of ice, which houses The Yeti. Bischoff goes, “There’s something in that thing. There’s gotta be.” You’d better hope something good is in that thing if you don’t want Billionaire Ted jumping down your throat later. Just kidding. He never watched Nitro.
9:50 PM – As Sister Sherri leads Harlem Heat to the ring, Bischoff plugs the WCW Hotline. From what I understand, they made a ton of money off this thing. He says Mike Tenay will have all the wrestling information you need, including everything that happened at the WWF’s pay-per-view In Your House from the night before. Mongo says, “I already heard about that. You mean In Your Outhouse? They need to dig another hole and move that thing. It’s startin’ to stink!” Bullies. They’re acting like f#$%ing bullies.
(SBK Note: That particular In Your House was the one where HBK forfeited the WWF Intercontinental Championship to Dean Douglas after not being able to compete due to the injuries sustained when four cheerleaders beat him up in Syracuse. When he went to hand over the title, Dean Douglas snatched it out of his hands, said “GIMME THAT SHIT!” (now censored, but still audible on the original VHS) and celebrated as if he had just pinned Shawn clean in the middle of the ring. It’s still to this day one of the most unintentionally hilarious wrestling moments of the 1990’s. Douglas lost the belt 15 minutes later to Razor Ramon.)
9:50:41 PM – Sting and Luger head out next. To whose music? I have no idea. WCW’s themes were indistinguishable without lyrics. The ones that did have lyrics all sound like they were sung by David Hasselhoff or Eric Bischoff. Either way, these two look like the most “WCW” tag team ever assembled. They tag EVERY last extended hand.
9:51 PM – Not to be outdone, Stevie Ray walks right up on Sting. Booker T even gets involved. They ain’t here to make friends. The opening bell rings and we get a nice shot of the goatee Sting is trying to grow. How great would it have been if all the WCW babyfaces grew in handlebar mustaches after Hogan’s was shaved in an act of solidarity? Like how chicks wear pink ribbons for breast cancer awareness. These guys would grow whiskers for The Hulkster. Why wasn’t I on WCW’s booking committee in 1995? I'm a genius.
Booker T wastes no time beating down Sting. He immediately establishes himself as the stronger of the two. It takes a mistake and a dropkick from Sting to answer back. Sting tries to hip-toss him, but he reverses, then Stinger reverses, and Booker goes over the top to the floor. Sting follows him out, but Booker heads back in. There’s a dropdown involved, some ropes being hit, and Sting back body dropping Booker T in the center of the ring. Sting grabs Booker, takes him to his corner, tags in Lex, holds him, and lets Luger come off the second with a double ax-handle. God, I wish I was keeping track of how many times they’ve used that move. We’ll be back!
9:53 PM – Pretty sure I f#@$ed up my commercial timing, so deal with it. Trying my hardest to keep this as authentic as possible. Stevie Ray has Lex on the mat with a nerve hold – one of my favorites. Lex is fighting back though. Bischoff wants to know if Lex Luger is a member of The Dungeon of Doom. He should be worrying about whether Lex will get out of this match. Stevie tags in Booker. They shoot him off and Book takes his head off with a standing dropkick. It earns a two count.
Luger pounds away on Lex’s face, but Sting cuts him off with an eye rake. As Nick Patrick tries to get Stinger out of there, Booker and Stevie make the old switch. As Lex continues to wrestle poorly, the commentators chat about how creepy the Dungeon of Doom is. The following exchange happens:
Bischoff: What the heck is a Ye-tayyy, anyway?
Heenan: A “Yeti!” You know what a Yeti is. Like Big Foot. An animal that walks through the woods that people can’t capture that has a scent and fur and it’s just a horrible looking thing… like… like that girl I saw McMichael with the other day.
So this establishes several things: Eric Bischoff allowed the booking team to create a character he knows nothing about, Bobby Heenan explained to the viewing audience what a Yeti is SUPPOSED to look like and how to pronounce its name, Mongo likes hairy bitches, and, most importantly, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan is the one true Gawd.
9:54 PM – Luger takes the ax kick from Booker. On the outside, Sister Sherri is kissing a Polaroid of herself and Col. Robert Parker because someone feels that angle needs to continue. She even reaches down the back of her skirt and pulls out another. So that’s where you get those things developed…
Lex Luger is in a ton of trouble. Stevie Ray has him in a chin lock. Nick Patrick raises his hand twice, but it falls on both attempts. Sure enough, it pops back up on the third. The crowd went mild. Like, there was an audible response, but even they aren’t sure about Luger anymore. Bischoff still wants to know about the “Ye-tayyy.”
9:55 PM – Lex’s comeback is a brief one, as he’s floored again by Stevie Ray. Booker becomes the legal man and heads to the top rope. He calls for the Harlem Hangover! He flips all the way over, looking for that big leg drop, but Luger manages to avoid it! Both guys slowly get to their knees, but Luger has enough time to lunge to his corner and tag Sting! He is mowing down everything in sight! Booker takes the Stinger Splash! Stevie Ray takes the Stinger Splash! Sting calls for the Scorpion Death Lock on Booker, but Stevie stops him with a superkick!
Luger makes the save, but is double suplexed for his troubles. Sting heads to the top rope, Booker turns around while Stevie keeps his attention on Lex. Sting lands a diving clothesline! He goes for the pin! 1… 2… 3! It’s over!
9:57 PM – Booker doesn’t even have a second to sell because The Taskmaster and The Giant have arrived. The bad guys bail to leave Sting and Luger on their own. The Giant grabs Luger and chokeslams him in the center of the ring. Good god, that's a thing of beauty. He snatches up Sting, who doesn’t even attempt to fight back. The Giant chokeslams him too.
Mach’ shows up! He wants some! He drops The Taskmaster and circles the 7’4” monster. He manages to get The Giant’s back turned to the entrance way. The fans go nuts as Hogan shows up behind him! Savage, apparently not an actual part of the plan at all, goes up to Hogan and tells him to back down. Here I thought they worked out a brilliant strategy. I think too much.
9:58 PM – Hogan asks Mach’ to leave. He’s all like, “Brother, I got this.” You wanna talk about a fever pitch? The fans are going ballistic. The entire WCW Galaxy is on their feet! Hogan is talking a ton of shit to The Giant, which looks AMAZING from the hard cam. If he were mic’ed up we would probably hear him calling everything that’s about to go down, but hey, we’re here for the magic.
Hogan throws a knuckle sandwich at The Giant, but it barely moves him. He does it again, but it gets him nowhere. He tries a third, but The Giant cuts him off, clubbing him across the spine. Just when we think it’s over… this mother#$%er digs down deep…
…and Hulks the f#$% up.
The Giant eats three right hands! Hogan’s got him by the hair! He sends his head into a turnbuckle! Hogan’s got him! This is that glimmer of hope The Hulkster needs to get fans to believe he can win on Sunday! No wait!
9:59 PM – The Dungeon of Doom hits the goddamn ring. Zodiac and Meng go after Hogan. Mach’ cuts of Sullivan. The Shark takes a shot to the jaws by The Hulkster. The good guys clean house as Jimmy Hart runs back and forth across the apron. Hogan goes back after The Giant and sends him into the top turnbuckle again. Now I’m a little concerned about The Giant’s recovery time. He had plenty of room to catch his breath.
Head of Security Doug Dellinger is in the ring with police baton in his hand. This dude is for real. That’s enough to get everyone separated. Hogan and Savage inside with The Dungeon outside. Then… the paranormal happens…
9:59:40 PM – Lights begin to flicker as the arena goes nuts. Bischoff says the floor is shaking. On the outside, Meng stomps somebody we can’t see, which is hilarious. The camera cuts to the block of ice which has a shape carved into it that looks like a dick and balls. It explodes and… what… the… f#$%...
It’s a mummy. We only see it for a split second... but it’s a f#$%ing mummy. 1995 SBK needs to wrap his head around this - no pun intended. Why was it a mummy? I wanted a sasquatch. You can’t give me a mummy when you promise me a white sasquatch. Is there a white sasquatch under the tissue paper? Why would you do this to me, WCW? Why would you do this to anyone?
I tried to screenshot it, but this was the best I could get. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but that looks like a f#$%ing mummy, right? Jesus tap dancing Christ.
This is the first of many massive f#$% ups in the history of Monday Nitro. Everything was going so smoothly up until now. I was giving The Dungeon of Doom a pass because the details of the storyline were so good. I knew this was supposed to happen eventually, but I don’t remember it being THIS ludicrous. The Yeti, which never should have been a thing in the first place when you have The Giant, is a mummy. Not even a cool mummy like Mumm-Ra from Thundercats, but I’m talking a walking-with-his-hands-out-in-front-of-him-while-wrapped-in-toilet-paper mummy. That’s just unacceptable.
Seriously though, WCW. You lose in the ratings game last week and this is the turd sandwich you serve me? How dare you! I can live with the nonsensical Mach’/Kurasawa match. I can live with two tag matches that had little to do with anything going on. I can even live with Hogan walking through the Dusty Deck just as The Giant and The Taskmaster passed by. What I can’t live with is a mummy when I’m promised a Yeti.
I honestly don’t know what’s worse: The Gobbledy Gooker popping out of an egg on pay-per-view, The Shockmaster tripping through a wall on A Flair for the Gold, or A GODDAMN MUMMY BREAKING THROUGH A PLASTIC BLOCK OF ICE WHEN WE’RE SUPPOSED TO GET A BIG, WHITE, FURRY, GIANT-FOOTED, SHARP-TOOTHED, SMELLY, ELUSIVE YETI!!!
I need a breather. I should probably just take it easy, pour a drink, watch WrestleMania 22, masturbate, and go to bed. That’s probably the best course of action for me. Although what I will probably end up doing is pour myself three drinks, watch Halloween Havoc 1995, masturbate, and lie awake wondering why I just did that. (“That” being Halloween Havoc 1995; not masturbate. I know my reason for that.)
Nitro Results (10/23/1995):
“Macho Man” Randy Savage def. Kurasawa via pinfall
Eddie Guerrero & Mr. JL def. Chris Benoit & Dean Malenko via pinfall
Sting & Lex Luger def. Harlem Heat via pinfall
Raw results (10/23/1995):
WWF Intercontinental Championship #1 Contender Battle Royal: Owen Hart def. The 1-2-3 Kid, Aldo Montoya, Skip, Bam Bam Bigelow, Sid, Barry Horowitz, Savio Vega, Bob Holly, Rad Radford, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, Marty Jannetty, Fatu, King Kong Bundy, Henry O. Godwinn, Kama, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Jean Pierre-Lafitte, and Isaac Yankem DDS… who has been getting a lot of TV time lately.
Avatar def. Brian Walsh via pinfall
WWF Women’s Championship: Alundra Blayze def. Bertha Faye © via pinfall
Final Ratings
Nitro: 2.6
Raw: 2.2
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