~ SMD Presents ~
The Greatest M00bs That Ever Lived
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Every steak eating, red blooded male loves himself a pair of swinging utters. That‘s why it behooves me to see so few women clamoring for chest chub in this slumping country of mine. Moobs have fascinated me since childhood and, by the grace of Buddha, I‘ve encountered a Brit and an Aussie who share my adoration for rugged racks. In recent weeks, we’ve dedicated countless hours of research to determining the greatest moobs that ever jiggled this Earth (based on a variety of totally legit variables). So grab a tall glass, lift your shirt and squeeze those teats because we three are dishing out...
Moob Milkshakes for Everybody!
[ Yokozuna vs. Rikishi ]
Judged on: Suckability and Sagginess
M. Winnebago >>> This one is absolutely brutal as both hold high scores in both criterion. In order to pick a winner here, essentially you need to have a mind of a breastfeeding two year old child. My ex-girlfriend said I acted like a one year old once so I feel I’m the most qualified to answer this one. When you have Yokozuna and Rikishi just stare into your eyes, your heart just melts into a warm bucket of butter. But this isn’t about adoring stares, this is about the moobs and how they play it. I’d have to give a slight edge to Yokozuna just for the fact that if you stare at Rikishi’s for too long, you would have nightmares about being run over for The Rock. Nobody wants to be run over for The Rock do they?
SkitZ >>> For The Rock, no. But by The Rock, absolutely. I’d threaten legal action and settle the issue out of court in exchange for a small slice of The People’s Pie. As for Rikishi and Yokozuna, I agree wholeheartedly with Winnie. Neither man has a clear cup advantage here. The robust Samoans are cousins in real life; meaning their moob-like qualities couldn’t be more identical. Kinda like the Bella Twins who have simultaneously sucked so much dick lately, they’ve zapped RAW of its once potent gusto.
When the conversation flips to Rikishi however, wrestling fans aren’t reminded of his chocolate chip pancakes. Folks just mumble amongst themselves about how his ass has sat on more faces than Vince McMahon‘s. What Yoko lacked in swag, he made up for in sag. Shoot me stink faces all you want but this moob-off isn’t about walking away buns blazing. The sumo heavyweight’s got enough droop to dupe Rikishi in this war of attrition (or nutrition depending on whether they lactate or not).
[ Ric Flair vs. Pat Patterson ]
Judged on: Elasticity and Sex Appeal
Danno >>> First things first. SkitZ and I need to point out that we aren’t taking about Flair and Patterson in their prime. I have no idea how Patterson looked in his prime, I would imagine husky, and I have no intention of looking it up. Flair was a fine young man, but that is just boring. Here we are comparing the men as they are today. Now, I think the only logical thing to do here is just stop, decide this is a bad idea and carry on living our normal lives. I don’t believe in logic when it comes to moobs, so I’m going to look at each of the categories and go from there.
Elasticity is not only a bullshit word, but also a crucial factor in judging a moob. A good moob should be able to hold its own weight, not sag too much and crucially, it must pass the pencil test. Flair has taken on the look of a candle that has been left in the sun. It’s as though Flair’s skin has given up the fight with gravity and is desperate to reach out to it. Flair’s face, nose, even his ears are stretching for the ground like a squirrel reaching for an extra high acorn. This non-stop fight with gravity is no more apparent than Flair’s moobs. His once proud pectoral area has decided it would rather look like a pair of worn out bollocks than an actual human chest. When Flair first noticed this problem, he employed a small Filipino boy to hold up his moobs during dinner speeches. The skin fell through the boy’s hands like those pots of slime you can buy from Toys r Us. Eventually the child was overcome by the nonstop droop and was smothered by the liver spotted skin.
Patterson on the other hand may have gone in completely the opposite direction. Patterson has the body of a drowning victim; heavy bloated, pale and swollen. Patterson’s moobs undoubtedly pass the pencil test but a quick fondle of the titty tends to feel like an over inflated balloon as opposed to a nice man breast. Patterson looks like a low quality sausage, but in my humble opinion, he takes the elasticity vote for the pencil test win.
Sex appeal on the other hand is entirely down to my own personal preference. While I respect the firmness and sturdiness of Pat Patterson’s moobs, I feel myself leaning towards the saggy mess of Flair’s top bollocks. You could really go to town on those moobs; motor boating, maybe a cheeky nipple lick. They are fairly adaptable to most situations. I could even see myself having a game of Swingball with the moobs while Flair takes one of his several naps during the afternoon heat. Patterson’s set on the other hand, are the type of moobs you’d take home to your parents. Flair’s are the kind you take for a few drinks, fumble around in the back alley behind the bins then deny all knowledge when the pregnancy test comes in.
So technically it’s a tie. In the event of a tie, I choose the winner by testicle height. If my left testicle is highest, Flair wins. If my right testicle is highest, Patterson wins. Give me a second…
Flair wins.
SkitZ >>> I second and third that (Winnebago has no say in the matter). Naitch is practically a shoe-in against Patterson. He kicks one through the uprights on moobsake alone. Not only do Flair’s dough balls possess plenty of sculpting potential but they’re lathered in baby oil which, in terms of elasticity, increases your working time tenfold. Sadly, Pat’s moobs resemble clumpy mashes potatoes that were left on the stove overnight because your girlfriend can’t cook worth shit. The same goes for the other category pretty much. Based on their clashing personalities and lifestyles, I’ve gotta unsafely assume sex with Slick Ric appeals to a larger group of people than Patterson (at least the female population anyway). Don’t let Flair’s landslides bring you down though, Pat. Just assimilate as many young men as possible and world domination is yours!
[ Tons of Funk vs. Natural Disasters ]
Judged on: Nipple Contrast and Circumference
M. Winnebago >>> Well if this was going to be purely based on circumference, then the Natural Disasters of Earthquake & Typhoon would own this match by a roll up (see what I did there?). But I’m in a quandary because the nipple contrast is pretty much non-existent with Team Global Warming as compared to the American-Japanese connection of Tensai & Brodus Clay. This is truly a coin flip and I am truly excited to see the outcome in this one.
SkitZ >>> Yeah Golga & Shockmaster outweigh their opponents by 111 pounds (this number is actually accurate) but blow a huge opportunity and stumble through the fourth wall. How do such intimidating monsters have such puny nips? Surely, I wasn’t the only dude picturing angry bee welts under those singlets? Instead they’re downright adorable!
Tons of Funk don’t completely eliminate Typhoon & Earthquake’s chances of making some noise in this discussion but it isn’t a small gap that separates the dual threats by any means. Brodus & Tensai look like they went paintballing and forgot to wear chest protectors whereas you’d swear the Natural Disasters’ areolas never quite fully developed after infancy. Typhoon & Earthquake are just plain out of their element (oddly enough). At least Sweet T and The Funkasaurus can dance carefree now with the knowledge that not everyone’s expecting their jobs.
[ Festus vs. Husky Harris ]
Judged on: Pigmentation and Parental Approval
Danno >>> The problem when dealing with great moobs in professional wrestling is you can go from two legends such as Flair and Patterson, then move on to Festus and Husky Harris. Festus left a legacy in the WWE similar to that of a bag of squishy tomatoes on the back seat of your car; it smells and no good can come of it. That said it was still more memorable than Husky Harris. The previous incarnation of Bray Wyatt was as engaging as watching a tramp masturbate. Anyway, fuck all that, we are here to talk about moobs and these two have a fine pair baps. As usual, we will look at each category and go from there.
Looking at pigmentation, Festus doesn’t have a great deal of colour in those manly niplets of his. They are rather depressing to look at to be honest. It was as though he looked in the mirror and thought “oh, I don’t have nipples”, so drew some on. Basically Festus’ nipples are shit. Shit nipples. Husky’s have a slightly darker colour; at least they have made the effort to differentiate themselves from the rest of his moob. But Husky has an unusual chest. His nipples are cross-eyed. It’s like having a stare down with Shawn Michaels. So the choice is shit nipples or cross eyed nipples. I’m going to have to go with Husky as at least he has a little colour, as opposed to anemic nipply Festy.
Parental approval is also fairly one sided for me. Festus’ moobs are pointy. As a parent, I’m very much aware that pointy things are generally bad for small children. Festus’ moobs are cut from an acute angle; they look like the front of a high speed train. As a parent, I wouldn’t let my child anywhere near Festus for fear of losing an eye. I like Husky’s moobs; they make me smile. If you drew a nose and bearded mouth on his belly, his torso would start to resemble CM Punk’s tired looking face. They have so many looks. Draw glasses on the moobs and add grey hair around the sides; Larry David. Add long black shaggy hair on the sides and a long black mack; you have that angry poltergeist from the film Ghost who teaches Patrick Swayze how to move stuff with his mind. Husky Harris’s torso is possibly the greatest impersonator ever.
By my count, Husky Harris wins both categories. Well done Husky.
SkitZ >>> Dammit I wanted to pound my collab correspondents with some hardy debate in this round but Festus’ fleshy milk duds are so pink and seductive. Vinnie Mac would never give them the PG stamp of approval. WWE’s sponsors would be fighting wildfires everywhere and their PR department would likely burst into flames from the media explosion that‘d ensue. But the company took preventative measures by throwing a shirt on both Luke Gallows and Bray Wyatt so who’s to say really? Censoring aside, Festus and his virgin nipples have no other choice but to succumb to Husky’s bronze beauties. You’d think a Hamlet like Harris would bare bologna skins lighter than the shade of lunch meat they hand you at the deli but nope. Husky’s almond joys candidly set the bar high out of Festus‘ reach.
[ Abdullah the Butcher vs. Vader ]
Judged on: Light Reflective Value and Environmental Consequences
SkitZ >>> In regards to the LRV argument, this tussle is as lopsided as Abdullah’s tits in the photo above. Vader’s moobs emit youth and happiness whereas The Butcher’s bundle falls on the low end of the spectrum. A quick browse through my color chart (I’m a painter, remember?) shows that Abdullah’s weather-beaten wonders hold a light reflective value of 0%. In fact, there are so many dead skin cells that light can neither penetrate or repel off The Butcher’s chest baggage.
Sources inform me that Abdullah’s made an effort to better himself for the long term benefit of our ecosystem. But despite his good intentions, changing directions now is pointless as it appears The Butcher’s moobs have been subjected to a mammogram one too many times. They’re smashed beyond repair. Its Vader’s time (to celebrate) and now Sammartino can rest easy knowing I’ve deflated Abdullah’s legacy a tad. It must be hard on Bruno sharing the Hall of Fame with a scrap heap like The Butcher. I can’t imagine its any more difficult than walking around looking like the living embodiment of Nosferatu though.
Danno >>> When it comes to light reflective value, there can only be one winner here. Occasionally, when one of Vader’s little man nips decided to peek from behind the vail of his wrestling tights, we got a glimpse of pink perfection. Like a sun bleached strawberry, Vader’s little nips gave us a very satisfying wardrobe malfunction. Abby on the other hand is an entirely different story. His moobs act like a black hole, sucking light into the crushing blackness. Mick Foley has been known to tell the tale of his lost ear; attributing the injury to Vader and a ring rope. The truth has been covered up for too long. Foley lost the ear after venturing too close to one of Abby’s black hole moobs, sucking the lug into the abyss.
The environmental argument turns the result around completely. Vader’s moobs are as bad for the local environment as Taylor Swift is bad for human existence. A flock of blackbirds follow Leon, hoping to get a glance of his freshly ripened strawberries and attempt to pluck them away when he releases them into the open. Vader finds it hilarious; swatting away the avian foragers with glee. The flock is starving, desperate for a taste of that fruit.
Abby on the other hand is crucial to the local wildlife in his community. Being an overweight gentleman, the Butcher likes to keep himself cool during down time. Whenever he can, he sits in the pond at the bottom of his garden, allowing the cool water to wash over his naked body. His excessive grease located underneath his moob fold sustains all the amphibian life. Frogs, insects, fish and newts have all made Abby’s moobs their home. If we don’t recognise this remarkable achievement, then we are letting ourselves down as well as the life sustaining behemoth.
[ JBL vs. Naked Mideon ]
Judged on: Surface Area and Buoyancy
M. Winnebago >>> Interesting fact, if you do a starfish in the pool and you float, you are overweight. If you sink, then you are either underweight, at the perfect weight or you are as dumb as a brick for not knowing how to do a starfish properly. While Jim Neidhart can give you the finer points of starfish technique, I however would be too embarrassed to ask for help. It’s like asking for directions because your ex-girlfriend told you to, it belittles you as a man that you can’t remember the directions to begin with even though you studied the map over and over again. It also doesn’t help that your ex-girlfriend is as dumb as a brick and can’t read maps and has a fear of water. Coincidence, I think not. Coin flip this one.
SkitZ >>> What!? Fuck no it isn’t. I should take that coin and bloody your knuckles for typing such absurdities. Summon a grand jury of the most stubborn smarks on this site and I’d still testify against Naked Mideon in a heartbeat. It’d take some serious elbow grease to even scrape his moobs off a pan with a spatula. Not to mention, if tossed in a body of water, those foul chicken breasts would sinker quicker than that CBS reality show Armed & Famous.
My client JBL however not only wrote the book on rookie hazing but he’s also an award-winning novelist in moob mastery. Bradshaw’s flanked by a couple of real winners. They’ve expanded business as JBL’s career has winded down. They outshine every other set of moobs behind the broadcast booth. They help keep Bradshaw’s tie in place at all times. They collect suds in a hot tub. The list of accomplishments is endless. JBL’s hooters send Mideon’s scurrying into obscurity.
Danno >>> The surface area of each man’s moob is actually pretty close. JBL’s moobs have a surface area of 127,000 km2, Mideon’s cover 124,000 km2. However, Mideon’s appearance has always drawn my eyes away from him. He has the skinniest arms in professional wrestling. Here was this fat fuck, bouncing around everywhere while wearing a flesh coloured g-string, with the arms of a 13 year old girl with an eating disorder. Dennis Knight makes me sick to my stomach.
With regards to buoyancy, my desire to never see Mideon’s form ever again leads me to hope for a complete lack of floatation. Let’s be honest, JBL has no worries floating in a pool. His moobs would happily keep him afloat like a playboy bunny’s chebs at the mansion. Mideon on the other hand wouldn’t get the chance to prove his buoyancy as I’d have my foot on his head keeping him under. Fuck you Naked Mideon. You interrupted my Sable thwap with your Attitude Era shenanigans.
[ Y2K vs. Giant Haystacks & Big Daddy ]
Judged on: Perspiration Rate and Foliage
M. Winnebago >>> Well look at this, a handicap match. But the favouritism firmly resides in the Giant Haystacks camp. Yes, the world’s largest recording artist with the hit song ‘Baby I Need You’ puts Fozzy to shame with unintentional comedy and satire. And to be honest the sunken chest of Kofi Kingston really puts a dent in things. A depression that little people cannot get out of; an egg holder of sorts. While it makes things easier when having hard boiled eggs, it doesn’t help Jericho’s cause in being the best in the world at everything he does. How did Jericho get dragged into this? He’s the first ever WWE undisputed champion. Poor Jericho, I feel for you buddy. You just had a bad day, that’s all champ. Don’t let mean old SkitZ get you down. Look I’ll even try and get you kicked out of this little tournament so you can worry about more important things. Pick Giant Haystacks everyone. For the children.
SkitZ >>> Don’t drag the kids into this, dickhole. They’ve done enough already. Chris Jericho and Kofi Kingston are living proof that even skinny, well-conditioned athletes can sprout moobs. Further examination suggests that both men may have fallen victim to malfunctioning sleeping bags and gotten their man cannons caught in the zipper (the branded item in question has since been recalled).
Then a couple years ago, Big Show slapped Kofi so hard that it indented the high flier’s sternum; sending his pecs outwards like two mounting tidal waves. Kingston’s sand dunes haven’t been the same ever since. Adversely, Y2J’s bitch tits have formed over a long period of time; similar to stalactites on a cave wall. Both stars are also pruned to perfection which means, when it comes to moob fur, Y2K’s incredibly outmatched against their colossal competitors. And since Giant Haystacks didn’t believe in self-grooming, the sweat flowing through his cleavage must have been like a carpeted slip n’ slide back in the day. Haystacks and Big Daddy win unanimously. Write about that, Jericho.
[ Mark Henry vs. Dusty Rhodes ]
Judged on: Protrusiveness and Symmetry
SkitZ >>> This turned out to be the only decent angle of SkidMark’s moobs I could find. Quite a surprise considering Henry’s wide range of lewd acts with Mae Young during his Sexual Chocolate phase. Give the guy a hand though because keeping anything a secret for that long in this age of social media is impressive. I’d say the picture tips the scales in favor of the World’s Strongest Man as his moobs render Rob Corddry speechless (and that dude rarely ever shuts up).
Dusty also came a fair bit before my time which makes it awfully difficult for me to fully appreciate what The American Dream plops on the table. Do I have a distorted point of moob? Hmmm perhaps I’m not the best judge of character for this particular melon mash. I’ve gotta be a pitchfork short of falling in Michael Hayes territory though, eh? Go to hell, you discriminating bastards. Bail me out of this mess, Boom.
Danno >>> When it comes to moobs, the ability to make up words is a must. When it comes to protrusiveness, nothing springs to mind faster than Dusty Rhodes. Watching Rhodes at his peak was like watching 3D TV forty years before the technology existed. Dusty once tried to wear a chest protector similar to D-Lo Brown, but his moobs stretched the garment to failure.
While Henry’s moobs aren’t as protrusive as Rhodes’, they are certainly symmetrical. Henry’s moobs are like a perfect circle, they have no corner. They are one, complete, curved side. They ring his upper body like a huge, meaty hula hoop. Rhodes’ moobs have almost no symmetry at all. They are like a child’s finger painting; they make no logical sense. You may expect his left moods to sag, it sits upright. You anticipate his moobs to bounce, they stay motionless. Basically, Rhodes’ moobs are the most unpredictable items in the universe. I want to stay impartial, but we have to go for Dusty here.
[ Edge vs. The Rock (pre-op) ]
Judged on: Agility and Wind Resistance
Danno >>> In my humble opinion, The Rock’s pre op moobs are quite possibly the most agile things known to man. They had a saggy quality, like CM Punk’s eye bags. But suddenly, they would jump about. It was quite amazing really. Fat Edge’s moobs had no such agility. They were moobs formed by sitting around and eating wotsits all day. Edge’s moobs were about as agile as an 80 year old’s scrotum. They just hung there; only allowing gravity to alter their state.
Wind resistance is quite interesting. What are the winning criteria? Is higher wind resistance the better or the worse than the lower? I guess that’s up to you. If you are looking for a streamline pair of moobs, look no further than the Rock. His moobs acted more like dorsal fins; his body couldn’t have been any more aerodynamic even if it were designed in a wind tunnel. Edge’s moobs on the other hand are the complete opposite. If you tied a string to Edge on a windy day, he can be used as a kite. His saggy moobs create uplift, a lot like the flaps on an airplane wing.
SkitZ >>> You shall treat my Edgykins’ hockey pucks in no such manner. The Rated R Superstar doesn’t hail from a family rich with wrestling tradition. Copeland’s also an inferior physical specimen to Johnson and yet I’d argue that his moobs are significantly more agile. They got around easier than the stud who owned them and were known for displaying Shelton Benjamin type reflexes. Rock’s roody poos were nothing but dangling turds; slowly sliding their way down his torso. Edge’s tag team partners have gone to war whereas The Great One’s opted out of that deal and went Hollywood.
A big determining factor should be the ever present fact that The Rock’s moobs no longer exist because he indulged Vince and ENHANCED himself. What sane individual would choose to get rid of such a precious gift from God? If you own ’em, flaunt ’em. The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment should be glad he and Edge never crossed paths in their prime because my idol would’ve slapped the taste out of his moobs. The exact same thing could be argued in regards to wind resistance. Copeland’s protuberances are like tiny antennas atop a skyscraper. Before the corrective surgery, there were numerous occasions where I witnessed The Rock‘s moobs butt heads like Beavis and his partner in crime. Edge scores a goal over the heavy favorite.
[ Viscera vs. Umaga ]
Judged on: Presentation and Individuality
M. Winnebago >>> It should be an easy victory for Umaga here. Viscera was wholly reluctant to expose his lady lumps for over a decade only to expose them in the worst way, with Matt Striker as his manager. Umaga wasn’t so afraid, speaking in his native tongue reminded me of my ex-girlfriend so it only drew me in towards other positives in his physique. And those tattoos, it makes Umaga so presentable and dangerous. Nothing in the history of the WWE compares to the fierceness of Umaga’s moobs. Sure, the only time Umaga used his fierce man boobs was when he used his splash attack and you can be sure that it was super effective.
SkitZ >>> Matt Striker is responsible for getting the Big Daddy V shtick over in the first place, you twat. An underrated manager and commentator that man. Gahhhh if only the company treated Striker with the same amount of attention everyone paid Viscera’s mammoth moobs when he shed the pajamas. What spectacles! Had Viscera’s moobs not come up for air, his gimmick change would’ve been a bigger flop than Two and a Half Men without Charlie Sheen. Costly departures notwithstanding, one of them never lived to see a final hurrah.
This final round sees Mabel’s mountainous mongoloids do battle with Umaga’s cute couplings. A clash rebellious in nature due to the amount of ink involved. Although they suffer from not boasting the same wow factor, I think its safe to say the Samoan Bulldozer lays claim to having the more badass tattoos. The switch to suspenders for Big Vis however deals Umaga a fatal blow. Viscera’s tits bordered on obscene. They were of porn star quality which the IWC no doubt takes into consideration. I guess it depends on how you prefer your moobies - dark or creamy?
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There‘s really nothing Danno, Winnebago or myself could say to justify wasting an entire column on general moobage. We do implore you however to chime in and vote. Who owns the greatest m00bs of all time? Is it uber obvious? Or did somebody get snubbed? Let your voice be heard amongst the whopping 25-30 people who frequent this forum!
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