Do you want revenge for being dumped on your ass? Bring out your crazy ex alter-ego, memorize these 12 devious ways and prepare yourself for war! By Michelle Escultura
Breaking up usually brings about a whole barrage of emotions, especially if the breakup was particularly ugly. That includes breaking up with someone whom you caught cheating or someone who has abused you. You may want to cry, get drunk, scream, throw stuff out the window and so forth. But one of the first things you’d probably be itching to do is dish out some coldhearted revenge!
Now, most people will tell you that the best revenge that you can possible serve your ex is transforming into a better person while moving on from the toxic relationship.
This includes working out, learning new things, being a financial savant and all those other awesome things your ex would wish you were.
[Read: How to survive the first 168 hours after a breakup]
But for those who are more impulsive or have no knack for self-improvement, there are still some revenge tactics you can turn to in order to get back at your ex.
12 ways to be the crazy ex and get your revenge
Take note, all these tips are meant for those who want to be labeled as the crazy ex. Not only that, but they may also land you in jail if you get caught.
So if your desire for sweet, sweet revenge is greater than you love for your reputation and wellbeing, then by all means, try these horrid acts of revenge.
#1 Flood him/her on social media. Nothing says “crazy ex” better than broadcasting your problems online, ten times a day, seven days a week. Your entire social network will see your ex for what he/she was! The added drama will likely get tongues wagging and will also deter those who may be dating your ex.
#2 Hack into his/her social accounts. As a couple, you may have some idea of what his/her password is. Do the guesswork and hack into his/her social accounts. Now that you’re in, have fun with it! You can either be subtle and sneaky or you can be loud and proud!
If you’re aiming for subtlety, you can start liking pages that are filled with porn or anything gross, so that when he logs on, his feed will be filled with every disgusting image and video the internet has to offer.
#3 Post his/her number on dating sites. And we’re not talking about nice little dating sites like Tinder or OKCupid. Find those really seedy sites that are chock-full of creeps. Of course, you’ll have to create an account. This should be no problem as you probably still have a bunch of your ex’s pictures in your hard drive, right? If you’re feeling more adventurous, include his/her work address and home address to really give the creeps something to go on.
#4 Use his/her email to subscribe to spam. Oh, the wonders of the internet! All you need is your ex’s email address to get a bunch of spammy websites to bombard his/her inbox with spam! You can either choose to go all in and subscribe to every porn site you see. But you can also choose to be systematic with this.
Was your ex boyfriend not well endowed? Did he have erectile problems? Penis pumps and Viagra sites are all over the net! Was your ex girlfriend dissatisfied with your love life? Subscribe her email to a bunch of sketchy dating sites. You can also add in some subscriptions for breast augmentation too, if you want her self-esteem to plummet.
#5 Go to his/her usual hangout spots. First, you have to look like a pathetic wreck so that if your ex deigns to fight back, you’d get the sympathy of the crowd. Once you’re there, cry your eyes out and make a scene. Make sure to loudly announce what your ex has done to you. This will work best if your ex has a date. And you also get plus points if your ex gets banned from the venue. Repeat until he/she is banned from the entire district. [Read: 14 things to keep in mind when you bump into your ex]
#6 Use seafood to stink up his/her house. You may already know that raw fish or prawns left in room temperature can stink up an entire area to high heavens. If you happen to still have a copy of your ex’s keys, use this information to your advantage. When he/she is out, sneak into the house and leave raw prawns in air vents, behind heavy appliances and beneath his mattress. It may take a few days, but the stench will be well worth it.
#7 Get a new beau and flaunt him/her. Want to make your ex jealous and insecure? Grab a pliable good-looking guy/gal and go on a date in a place where your ex is most likely to see you. Make sure your date is dressed like a Wall Street bigwig or the King of Spain. Then loudly proclaim how your date is a much better lover than your ex and that you’re glad you’re dating someone who knows how to work things in the bedroom. [Read: 13 rebound sex questions to know if you're really ready for it]
#8 Date one of your ex’s friends. Nothing hits closer to home that dating one of your ex’s best buds. Not only do you get to go out with someone who has intimate knowledge of what your ex is up to, but you can also potentially ruin their friendship. Make sure you invite yourself whenever they’re together, just so you can passionately make out right in front of your ex. [Read: Everything you need to know about revenge sex!]
#9 Key his car. This is vandalism, and it’s horrible advice. But if you want your revenge to be quick, hey, why not? Just make sure you do this under the cover of darkness where no one can see you. And instead of just scraping random lines, try to spell out words that describe your ex such as “wanker,” “slut” or “cheating good for nothing asshole who’s bad in bed and has toe cheese.”
#10 Leave a burning pile of poop on his/her doorstep. Do you watch “Orange is the New Black?” If you do, then you know what this prank is. Wrap up some poop in paper and douse it in gasoline. Then drive up to your ex’s place, leave the pile of poop on his/her doorstep, and set it on fire right before you ring the doorbell. Your ex’s first instinct would be to step on it to put the fire out, which would leave him with a disgusting mess to clean up. [Read: How to heal a broken heart the wicked way!]
#11 Send out warning pamphlets to his/her neighbors. This downright evil prank works best if your ex is new to the neighborhood. You can send out pamphlets detailing some of his/her most debauched acts. And don’t limit yourself to the truth, either! You can say he/she is an arsonist, a sex offender, a drug dealer or a wife beater. The judgment of the neighborhood may be enough to make your ex move out for good.
#12 For the ladies, tell him you’re pregnant. This works best if you’ve just recently broken up, and you were never caught cheating on him. Grab a female friend who happens to be pregnant and get her to take a few pregnancy tests. Send one to his house and the other one to his parents’ house with a card congratulating them on being grandparents. This works best if your ex is from a conservative household or if he happens to be living with someone new in his home.
If he comes to you on his knees, have some fun with him. He may have already broken up with the new girl. Once you’ve had your way with him and you’re tired of his presence, you can just say you took another test and it’s negative, after all. The emotional rollercoaster should be enough to screw with his head for a few days. [Read:10 things you definitely have to do after a break up to feel awesome again!]
With all these tips in mind, just be sure you have a backup plan. There’s a line that says, “Never use a permanent solution for a temporary problem.” Your desire for revenge will only be temporary, but ruining your reputation and being sent to jail will have repercussions that will stay with you for a long time.
[Read: 12 reasons why the no contact rule is the best way to get over an ex very quickly!]
With that said, are you 100% sure you still want to be the crazy revenge-seeking ex?
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