The 12 studio finalists were chosen, with more wildcards promised. Stuart Heritage watched every single hour of it. Pity him.
9.59pm BST
Anyway thats it for tonight. Remember when this episode of X Factor began, all those years ago? We were all so young back then. But we made it! We did it, and all your comments have made me proud. (NOTE: if youre reading this tomorrow, and youve just left a comment reading Why are you being so mean? I hate X Factor, and I dont even own a TV then your comment did not make me proud).
Anyway, were in this now. 19 episodes left. The next one is tomorrow at 8:15pm. Pharrell will be performing and two acts will leave, so thatll be nice. If youd like to follow me on Twitter, Im @StuHeritage. If not, Ill see you tomorrow. We did it! Merry Christmas everyone!
9.56pm BST
Its not a true interminable recap of tonights show, obviously, because it isnt 80% adverts, but hey ho.
9.55pm BST
And now, because this is X Factor and we havent had one since last Christmas, heres an interminable recap!
9.54pm BST
Other things that this performance has taught me: Louis Walsh says Eye-talian instead of Italian, and Andrea is brilliant. I really would be very happy if he won, you know. Very happy indeed.
9.52pm BST
Theres a chance that Andreas just singing this because hes not very good at remembering lyrics and wanted to just get away with going AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH for a couple of minutes. And CATFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD, obviously. But you cant fault his ambition, and hes got easily the biggest cheer of the evening. Hooray for Andrea!
9.50pm BST
I dont know whats happening, but it seems like Andrea is singing Earth Song. This is either the best or worst moment of my entire life. Especially because Im 80% certain that he just changed the words to What about catfood?
9.49pm BST
And now, finally, for Andrea Faustini. I like Andrea. Hes probably going to win X Factor this year. Hes endearing, and he has a rich and powerful voice. Thats not why I think hes going to win, though. I think hes going to win because he wore a jumper with a picture of a dog on it once and people are morons. But, hey, hes still going to win.
9.48pm BST
Theres a lot of underappreciated songs from the past says Hat Girl, having just performed the famously underappreciated song Jailhouse Rock.
9.47pm BST
The judges are laying into Only The Young, and Only The Young are rolling their eyes SO HARD that theyre probably on the cusp of a brain haemorrhage. The brunette in the hat, especially, looks especially murderous. We never got this attitude with Same Difference.
9.45pm BST
That sense of self? Theyre singing Jailhouse Rock. Is it as nightmarish as it sounds? No. Is it several billion times more nightmarish than it sounds? Yes. Yes it is.
I just caught a cutaway reaction shot of Mel B looking like Frozen Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining, neatly summing up the entire mood of the nation. This isnt X Factor. This is... this is Jive Bunny. Theyre doing Twist and Shout now, and Im genuinely scared that itll never end. What if they do another song after this? Ill drink myself to death, I swear.
9.43pm BST
Anyway, now for Only The Young, the group that Louis Walsh transparently picked just to act as a firewall for that awful eight-piece boyband of his. Its not worth remembering any of their names, really. Your life is too short. But, then again, youre the ones willingly watching X Factor. Youre not exactly fond of all-encompassing productivity, are you?
The good news is that Only The Young have a well-formed sense of self. So this should be great, right?
9.41pm BST
Wagner is apparently trending on Twitter. Ive never felt like such a part of something.
9.40pm BST
And one of my shoulders has stiffened up. This episode is far too long.
9.37pm BST
This might be too much information, but this episode has been going on for so long that I think my laptop has boiled my genitals.
9.36pm BST
The judges are all being very nice about Fleur. Out by the middle of November, then.
9.34pm BST
Fleurs singing All About That Bass, which I think is a song about embracing your moderate to high body mass index. Which Fleur obviously knows a lot about, because she looks like she might have eaten some of a salad at some point in the last week or so.
To be fair, Fleur looks like shes been doing this all her life. This is almost like a guest performance from an actual popstar. That said, this is such a weird song choice. Itd be like Jake Quickenden singing a song about being really charismatic.
9.32pm BST
Now: Fleur East. Despite having a name that makes her sound like a crap hotel (I know,like I can talk), Fleur is perhaps the most fully-rounded contestant this year. I think she might be great tonight, so long as she can resist rapping in the middle of every song. We all remember what happened to Mischa B, dont we? Anyone?
9.30pm BST
Simon says that Jake needs grit in his voice. In next weeks VT: Jake puts a shirt on, Jake looks at a toothbrush, Jake gets basted in the face by several tons of gravel, Jake slightly moves one of his eyebrows once.
9.29pm BST
Jakes singing Shes The One, which Im taking as a sign that Simon Cowell has either a) run out of ideas for him or b) banged his head and thinks its 15 years ago.
Interesting that the best method X Factor could find to prove that Jake has a personality is to make him go from lying down to sitting down to standing up. Perhaps having him move across the stage in a stairlift to a walk-in bath used up too much of the budget.
9.26pm BST
Hey, its Jake Quickenden. You know, Jake Quickenden from X Factor two years ago. Jake Quickenden from the telly. Remember him? Jake Quickenden? Bit forgettable. Thats him.
In the VT: Jake gets his makeup done, Jake takes his top off, Jake wears a hat, Jake is told that he doesnt have a personality, Jake sits quite near a cushion.
9.24pm BST
By my calculations, we have four contestants and 35 minutes left of X Factor tonight. So thats, what, six ad breaks? Seven? We should have a sweepstake.
9.22pm BST
If he leaves X Factor this week, this guy will be legally obliged to change his name to Ben Saenow. This is a reference to a passing joke made in series three, episode one of The Larry Sanders Show. Ive probably been watching too much of The Larry Sanders Show lately.
9.20pm BST
Cheryl has called Hank Kingsleys dull fart one of the top three performances tonight. Thats the worst advertisement for X Factor Ive ever heard.
9.17pm BST
Hank Kingsley is singing Bridge Over Troubled Water, because X Factor obviously really wants to nail down the teenage market this year.
Seriously, after watching Blonde Electrics neon circus, this doesnt look good. Its just a bloke in a shirt shouting the word BREEEE-EEEYYY-EEEEEEJ like hes just banged his foot on something. Its boring, its one-note and I do not care for it in the slightest.
9.14pm BST
9.14pm BST
Now its time for Ben Haenow who, since I spent the majority of my last holiday rewatching episodes of The Larry Sanders Show, I will be exclusively be referring to as Hank Kingsley.
9.12pm BST
Mel B has just told Blonde Electric to take it to the next level. I kind of hope they dont. These are the only retinas Ive got, and Im worried that theyre already on their last legs.
9.11pm BST
Blonde Electric and their glittery eyebrows are performing Kids In America, which leads me to believe that they require comprehensive retraining in both basic geography and knowing how old they are.
Its hard to accurately describe what Im seeing onscreen. There are hula hoops, and an elephant, and lots more colours than Im used to at my age. I think, worryingly, that I might actually quite like this. I wish the one with short hair wouldnt keep making a noise like shes straining for a poo when she sings, but other than that I might be slightly onboard with this. Look, its been a long evening.
9.08pm BST
Next up are Blonde Electric; the She-Ras to Jedwards He-Men. Thats all there is to them, basically. I miss Jedward, too. I wonder what theyre doing right now. I hope theyre hanging out with Wagner. I hope theyre having a party. I hope Storm Lee is serving drinks there.
9.07pm BST
Why does Ella Henderson go to the river to pray, anyway? Go to the church to pray, you weirdo.
9.05pm BST
An advert for Lidl now, containing the hashtag #LidlSurprise. My favourite Lidl surprise is probably that time I bought something called a Meat Salad there, and it turned out to be a tub of mayonnaise with about three bits of spam in it. SURPRISE!
9.03pm BST
In happier news, there is only one hour of X Factor left tonight. Just an hour. As long as a flight to Germany. Three episodes of 30 Rock. Thats not bad is it?
9.02pm BST
That said, I quite liked that. If it werent for the fact that all the judges are obliged to remind Lauren how old she is every three seconds that shes onscreen, Id quite like her to be on the show for a while.
9.00pm BST
Lauren Platt is singing Happy. She wanted to sing a song that reflected her state of mind, but nobodys written a song called Profoundly Ill At Ease yet, so this had to do.
It is surprise surprise a slowed down version of Happy. Imagine if theyd all got to sing these songs at the normal tempo. Wed all be tucked up in bed with a nice mug of cocoa by now. Curse you, X Factor. Curse you to hell.
8.58pm BST
Lauren Platt now: the girl who looks exactly like a cross between Lauren off EastEnders and Gail Platt off Coronation Street. If this is X Factor dabbling in nominative determinism, I would have much preferred it if theyd found someone called Likeable Goodsinger. But, hey, never mind.
Cheryls saying that Lauren is much more grounded than she was when she was young. Reading between the lines, it looks like Cheryl is congratulating a teenager for not belting a toilet attendant yet.
8.56pm BST
Simons predicting that Stevi will remain in the competition for longer than most of the other acts. But Stevis already threatening to sing a ballad because he wants to show that hes a serious singer. Goodbye Stevi.
8.55pm BST
That deserves a key event, right?
8.55pm BST
Hes no Wagner, though, is he?
8.55pm BST
That aside, Stevi started the song with an energetic dance routine, and this has now resulted in him being fully out of breath. Hes not singing in time. Hes gone purple. I think he might actually be about to die. The boys giving it everything. I think it might be... quite good?
8.53pm BST
Low blow, X Factor. Theyre making Stevi singing She Bangs. You know who else sang She Bangs? WAGNER. Theyd better not make Stevi do a bongo solo, or force him into a Love Shack medley, because that would break my heart. I love Wagner.
8.51pm BST
Oh thank god, Stevi Richie is the wildcard for the overs. You remember Stevi, obviously hes the novelty contestant who looks like a plastic Manga toy of David Brent thats been left too close to a malfunctioning radiator, wildly overuses the first names of people hes talking to and cannot really sing at all. But, by god, Im pleased hes on the show. Hes made my job about 50% easier.
8.50pm BST
An advert for Vodafone now. Specifically an advert for Vodafone customers who like to tell their closest families life-changing news over Facetime because theyre cold misers who hate actual human contact in all its forms.
8.47pm BST
Also, I bet theyre called Stereo Kicks because they make you want to kick the stereo whenever you hear them. Right? Right? Right? Anyone? Right? Hello? Anyone?
8.46pm BST
Simon has called Stereo Kicks exciting. This may or may not be because theyre like One Direction, but there are eight of them so theyll each earn half the amount of One Direction, so theyll have to work themselves to the point of exhaustion to make ends meet.
8.43pm BST
Theyre singing Roar. Or at least four of them are. The other four are nowhere to be seen. Perhaps the first four ate them... ah, wait, no, theyve invaded the stage for the chorus. I bet that was a fun meeting. You, you, you and you, the four ugly ones. Wear these balaclavas. No? How about keeping your backs to the audience? No? Fine then, just come on halfway through. Whatever.
8.40pm BST
And now for Stereo Kicks also known as The Hateful Eight, Louis Walshs insane eight-piece boyband. Theyre less a boyband, though, and more a terrifying communist public service advertisement for government haircuts. Theyll go far, this lot. Far away from me, hopefully.
8.38pm BST
Simons advice to Boris is basically Everyones going to be mean to you while youre on X Factor, because youre on X Factor and X Factor is a terrible programme that only arseholes are on. To be fair, the man has a point.
8.36pm BST
Boris is singing Toxic by Britney Spears or, to be more precise, Toxic by that posh jetpack inventor who didnt make it past the first auditions about seven years ago. Is that reference too niche? Probably.
Theres actually a lot to like about this performance. Like the way that Boris is standing on a tassled plinth. And the fact that Boris is consistently pronouncing Toxic as Toxy. On the other hand, this is a slowed-down jazz version of Toxic, so its lasting at least four times longer than it needs to.
8.33pm BST
Forget that, were back. Now its time for Boris Johnson. Good old Boris, hes always up for a laugh, isnt he? Look at him, dressing up as a woman and pretending to be even posher than he actually is. Youre fooling nobody, Boris. Not with that hair.
8.32pm BST
I havent updated for a few minutes because theres another ad break, and typing theres another ad break every three minutes has given me RSI.
8.29pm BST
Simons suggesting that one of One Direction pestered him into making Jack return to the show. This is at least the third time that Simon has mentioned One Direction so far this episode. After the break: Simon Cowell tells Dermot OLeary off for not being Harry Styles, licks a poster of Harry Styles, mumbles the words to Best Song Ever and cries a little.
Elsewhere: Leona Lewis punches a vase off a table because she used to be the one who Simon talked about every week.
8.26pm BST
Hes changed the lyrics a bit. Hes singing Im going to make you feel like youre the only girl in the world. Bit presumptuous, given that he looks like an eight-year-old.
8.25pm BST
UH-OH. Jacks got an acoustic guitar, and hes performing a slowed-down version of The Only Girl In The World. This means that Jack is the boy who ruins all house parties youve ever been to, and therefore must be stopped as brutally as possible.
8.24pm BST
The wildcard for the boys is Jack Walton, who youll remember for being exactly the bloody same as every other boy whos ever taken part in any series of X Factor ever.
Ah, I take that back. Jack is a bit of a clown. I know this because Jack has accidentally made a Take Me Out VT instead of an X Factor VT.
8.23pm BST
Simon doesnt like Stephanie because shes like a member of a girl band. Simon is sitting next to two members of girl bands. Simon will not leave this studio alive.
Ugh. Cheryl just defended Stephanies song choice by calling it One of the most Shazammed songs right now. I hope Stephanie makes it to next week, because I think Cheryl might make her sing the Flappy Birds theme tune.
8.20pm BST
Stephanies singing Everything I Own, because its a bit reggae and so is she. Next week: Stephanie sings the entire Peter Andre back catalogue.
Shes walking the line between being good at singing and being good at singing every single note at once. Which, admittedly, is a little bit irritating. Worse still, Ive just realised that this sounds like Stars Are Blind by Paris Hilton, which is obviously massively unforgivable.
8.18pm BST
Time for the girls again. Its Stephanie Nala, who fans of Britains Got Talent might recognise from a few years ago, if only fans of Britains Got Talent werent so eternally dimwitted that they can barely even remember their own names. Fleur might be my favourite contestant this year. As we all know, this means that she probably wont make it to November.
For the newcomers, Stephanie is a girl who cries a lot. Thats about all there is to her, apparently.
8.16pm BST
More adverts now, including:
One where Kevin Bacon phonetically just says words that he makes no real attempt to understand!
One where a woman loudly promises you a free carpet if you buy a manky settee from her!
One where a series of dead-eyed dolls spring to life and attempt to make you shop at Sainsburys, presumably because theyll eat your brains if you dont!
8.12pm BST
Simon Cowell is patting himself on the back for this radical overhaul of Jay James. Remember, this is X Factor, so putting a man in a leather jacket and politely asking him to walk around in a medium-sized circle counts as a radical overhaul.
8.11pm BST
Jay James is singing that song where Paloma Faith just bellows a load of vowel noises for three minutes. Oh, wait, no, thats all Paloma Faith songs. And on the basis of this, I suspect, all Jay James songs.
8.08pm BST
Now for the over-25s. First up is Jay James, a man who can best be described as the Kathy Bates from Misery version of James Blunt. Jay James doesnt so much sing as mimic the noise that a newborn baby makes when it falls down the stairs. I do not care for Jay James.
8.05pm BST
The judges do not like Overload Generation. This wouldnt have happened if theyd called themselves Ow4lowwwd GenerATun.
8.04pm BST
You know that feeling when you look back over your old Facebook photos and feel embarrassed about all your terrible old haircuts? Overload Generation are in for a lifetime of that.
8.03pm BST
Theyre singing I Kissed A Girl, because theres a good chance that at least one of them has actually kissed a girl. If only there was a song called I Spent My Entire Life Trying To Mimic One Direction, then itd be far more apt.
Also, Ben Mitchell from EastEnders seems to be a member of Overload Generation. Watch out, other members of Overload Generation! Hes a murderer!
8.01pm BST
The group wildcard now. Its Overload Generation (formerly just Overload), who I think caused the entire bootcamp audience to scream with barely-contained lust once. I dont trust them, though, because their name is spelled correctly. This is X Factor, after all. Surely they should be called OhvaLOAHD JenneraSHUN or something.
8.00pm BST
Were back, again, and Mel B is setting herself up as a WORLD-CLASS PHOTOBOMBER. Im going to like her.
7.56pm BST
Oh thank god, another ad break. I take it all back. Liveblogging X Factor is piece of cake. I might try and simultaneously construct an Airfix aeroplane while the shows on next week. Ill have plenty of time to do it, at least.
7.54pm BST
Im also really worried about Mel Bs white dress. Shes one overripe raspberry away from an enormous dry cleaning bill, that one.
7.53pm BST
Lolas singing a song that I dont recognise, partly because Im old but mainly because shes singing the lyrics like a woman whos rammed her mouth with cotton wool for a bet. Lets say its called Stay With Me, because that make up about 90% of the song. It isnt bad, but then again I am just saying that because Im worried that her eyebrows will gain sentience, crawl out of the screen and bludgeon me to death.
7.50pm BST
Now its time for the first wildcard of the night. Its Lola Saunders, who I can genuinely remember nothing about. That bodes well, doesnt it?
Ive gone from being a fishmonger to being on the live shows says Lola in the VT, failing to realise that shes doomed to be known as Fishmonger Lola for the rest of her life.
7.48pm BST
It isnt a very good yoghurt advert, admittedly, but I have to take what I can get these days.
7.45pm BST
But thats enough of that. Weve had 14 minutes of X Factor to sit through. You know what this means? Its time for an ad break! Hooray for ad breaks!
7.43pm BST
The judges are all being very positive about Paul. Except Simon just accidentally said that Paul should come out onstage every year. This is all of our lives now. We will age, but Paul will always be here, year after year, chewing on the inside of his mouth like a dog thats just swallowed a wasp.
7.41pm BST
Pauls singing Ghost by Ella Henderson. Ella is, of course, one of the greatest ever X Factor contestants. Paul, meanwhile, is easily the most recent.
Pauls apparently been taking lots of performance lessons this week. Judging by this, it basically involved staring at a poster that said LOOK LIKE POPEYE WHEN YOU SING for eight solid hours a day, because thats exactly what hes doing. Also, we should take a moment to commemorate the first plinth of the year. Hes standing on a plinth. Thats about it.
7.39pm BST
And now for the first act of the evening, AKA the act thatll definitely go home tomorrow. Its Paul Akister, who I only remember because he looks a bit like wilderness-era Robbie Williams guest-starring in Peaky Blinders. Thats enough, surely.
In the VT, Paul introduces the X Factor house. If you want to see more of it, just search Zoopla for the terms horribly decorated and previously full of idiots.
7.36pm BST
The finalists are onstage. In other news, dont bother buying anything from ASOS tonight because their warehouse is empty.
7.35pm BST
Now for a bit where we pick the wildcard. This is weird, though - the judges are picking acts who arent from their categories. Im so confused that I havent actually bothered to see who they are. The fish woman, Stevi, some anonymous bloke and a boyband. Ill write more about them later, unless I end up hating myself too much, which I will.
7.33pm BST
In time-honoured tradition, even though Im bound to regret introducing this feature about three weeks from now, lets meet the judges:
LOUIS! Two thumbs up
7.32pm BST
Weird seeing Dermot OLeary doing something other than standing by a stage and going ooh, isnt it?
7.31pm BST
Heres a shot of central London, because a shot of Wembley would obviously be quite weird and boring.
7.30pm BST
SO FAR: Lots of men with identical haircuts made a series of horrible noises for several weeks at a time. Good, were all up to speed.
7.28pm BST
ITS TIME! TO FACE! MY ONGOING CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS!
7.28pm BST
OK, were ready? Weve been to the toilet? We have booze? Theres no backing out now, you know.
7.08pm BST
Some things you should probably know before tonights episode starts:
1) I cant really remember who any of the contestants are, despite doing my best to memorise their names and faces all week.
6.58pm BST
Hello everyone, and welcome to the X Factor liveblog 2014! Were back! Its basically Christmas now!
As you probably already know, the show has been through some momentous changes since last years final. Gary Barlow has been replaced by Simon Cowell. Nicole Scherzinger has been replaced by Mel B. Cheryl Cole has been replaced by Cheryl Versini-Fernandez, who is basically just Cheryl Cole with an even more ridiculous set of granny teeth. The X Factor finals are back! Hooray!
Continue reading...
Reported by guardian.co.uk 4 hours ago.