Because I don't want to traumatise you before it's absolutely necessary.
Yesterday I visited the skin doctor.
I took my naked face on the train in peak
hour and had to wear these.
Just in case I ran into anyone I know. Although,
someone told me I shouldn’t have bothered as no-one would recognise me
without makeup anyway.
There is no point painting my face because
the doctor has to take my makeup off with a trowel just to find my skin and then adds exorbitant labour fees to her specialist’s fees.
I don’t know, things seem to grow on you the older
you get and I don’t just mean your nose or ears.
I have fair skin, live in a very hot country
and have to be careful about sun damage.
I’ve been wearing Factor 30 (it doesn’t get
higher here) religiously since it was finally revealed in the Women’s Weekly that drowning ourselves in baby oil and lying in the mid day sun was not as
cool as every 70s teen thought it was.
I went into the doctors feeling so so with myself but came out with an
expression like this.
Somehow the conversation about sun damage
turned into how she could reorganise my whole face and the features that sit on
it in four easy moves for a few thousand dollars.
Checkmate!
I wasn't keen. Someone tried to rearrange my face for free once, without my permission, and it's turned me off facial alterations.
It all happened like this.
The Doctor held my face carefully in her
hands as though she was examining an 1000 year old egg.
“You actually have very good skin for your
age and you only have some areas of sun damage. We can easily fix that with a
few zaps from our IPL laser or use the M123DF.”
Or did she say the
IRS, or FTS or the MiG-21? I can’t remember but it did make me wonder
if this is where Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction ended up? In her office.
Pretty
good skin for my age. I clung to those words and was feeling smug
for, oh I don’t know, about a second.
She handed me a guilt edged mirror and in an earnest
tone said, “Can you look at your face in the mirror for me?”
I was about to do the usual mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the
fairest…….when I caught my reflection.
I recoiled in horror. What the hell …… so not
a pleasant sight.
Do you think people use mirrors for their own
mischievous purposes? We all know Estee Lauder uses a soft focus mirror for its
products so you are always at your most flattering best. Is it possible that
skin doctors have mirrors that make you look 105?
For my sake, please say it is definitely so …
The Doctor, expressionless and immobile, got a little agitated. “Look in the mirror again. No, no, don’t close your
eyes like that; it accentuates your crow’s feet. Do you see how your temples go
in here and your cheekbones jut out there?”
What? I now need spandex for my cheekbones? Aren’t jutting cheekbones a thing of beauty? Didn’t I starve in my twenties
for prominent cheekbones?
I was scared what was coming next.
“Well that’s because your face is losing fat
and dropping. Your temples have lost weight (thank god for small wins I say!)
so your cheekbones are more exposed causing a sharpness of curve and the fat to
drop so your face looks long and narrow with a rather square jaw line. Do you
see?”
I looked down at my feet. “Yes Doctor, I see
the fat pooling around my ankles”.
“Well it might make it there one day but at
the moment your cheeks are now jowls. Don’t worry, I have just the thing to fix
that.”
As I knew she would. She has an arsenal of
weapons at her fingertips. I hope someone from
the AFP is reading this. Email me. I will give you names, numbers, everything.
“What I can do is use injectables, a lot of
injectables actually, to fill in here, there and oh let’s just say, everywhere”
she shrieked excitedly. Tracing her fingers round my face with her dancing fingertips
she waxed lyrical about the results she could achieve. For me or her, I was not
quite sure.
“We will plump this up here, lift this to
where it used to be and hide that under there. What do you think?”
What do I think? It is no wonder people end
up at plastic surgeons taking the easy way out and just getting the excess bits cut off with a chainsaw.
“Injectables? It sounds like it would be
easier if I stood against the wall and you threw poison darts at me. How’s your
aim?”
She ignored me as if my views did not matter
anyway and pressed on.
“Of course, it is quite expensive”, she said
looking out the window and no doubt thinking about the yacht she has moored in the Bahamas.
“It’s about $1200 a section and we… well we would have to do a lot of sections”.
I must have frowned. Very. Deeply.
“Oh my”, she cooed, “that is an extremely
large frown line you have there”. Pointing and staring.
It is indeed.
“Can you give me the biggest frown you can please?”
I thought I was but I tried harder.
“Oh my, that is really something, best I have ever seen”, she said bemused, shaking
her head from side to side.
Did I just see her rub her hands together
like an excited child about to open their Christmas presents? ….No way.
“I could fix that you know…..in a few moments
with Botox or Dysport”.
“Dysport?” I queried
“It’s a Botox alternative and just a little
cheaper”, she said.
Oh, so now Botox has a home brand? Woolworths
will soon be bringing in off the shelf version to its stores.
“However”, she warned, “the only consideration
is that you will need more Botox than the average person”.
Suddenly it was becoming quite stifling and hot
in her office and I could feel my face starting to burn.
“Oh”, she gasped, “did you know you are quite
highly coloured as well? I could get rid of the nasty red blotches quite easily
with….”
“No, no, doctor it’s really OK. I just need some
fresh air. I will think about everything you have said and I will get back to
you. I really need to go and do something urgently.”
I quickly left the office and started
fumbling through my bag to find my trusty Estee Lauder mirror. I had to do an urgent
stock take of the damage to my psyche.
Thank goodness.
I immediately saw the same
familiar face looking back at me. Phew, it must have been the bad lighting in
her office. I am as I always was. 25 again.
She had me worried for a while…...and with
that I put my big black sunglasses on, tossed my jowls over my shoulder and
walked off into the sunshine.
Hot Topics – next week's post focuses on Sexism. Why is the subject so topical at the moment? Plus another exciting Giveaway for Aussie readers on Sunday.
Tell me, how do you wear your jowls? I am joking....
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