February 2015
By Shivi Verma
In a world where charisma, personal charm, and excellent social skills are considered the master keys to success, the silent introvert offers a contrasting paradigm, says Shivi Verma
For the longest time, I was condemned in my family for being different. I was considered odd and sluggish since I did not exhibit the traits of normal toddlers who cried, threw things, or showed high physical energy and action. Though I never crawled like other babies, and took to walking very quickly during infancy, I was a far cry from being an outgoing, child with active interest in the external world.
On growing up, instead of playing with cousins, or engaging with elders, I was fonder of reading books, drawing, roaming in the countryside, caressing my pet dog, or simply sitting with my thoughts. I was uncomfortable mingling with strangers, and being in social gatherings was worse than sitting for the final exams. But I could spend hours in the company of people I liked, and with whom I could have a meaningful conversation.
I was always compared unfavorably with my socially savvy cousin sister who was a great conversationalist, and who displayed active interest in people and household activities like cooking, helping and serving. As a result I was in awe of my confident, friendly and outgoing peers and tried hard to be like them, shifting focus from ideas to people and events, and striving to be witty and funny. However, any such attempt would throw me off-kilter. The resultant awkwardness made me even more gawky and deepened my self-rejection. Socially an oddball, and internally a reject, fraught with failures and diseases, I cut a sorry figure.
That I was a distinct personality type with a certain predisposition and slant came to my knowledge when I started working with Life Positive. Interaction with a highly aware editor made me realize that I was an introvert who derived energy and inspiration from solitude. I was an inward-oriented person who felt drained by too much external stimulation. I worked best when independent, and possessed certain gifts like the capacity to observe, reflect, calmly assess, and to be energy sensitive. People like me are selective about company and give more focus to abstract ideas than incidents and people. A trait found very commonly in writers, artists, philosophers, programmers and inventors.
As I began to understand myself better, I discovered that introversion was my strength. I did not need too much company to keep me happy, and oftentimes was happy being alone. I also discovered that it was easier for me to perceive the thoughts, feelings and emotional problems of others than it was for most.
In fact, I owe my keen sense of awareness and interest in spirituality to my introversion. Had I not been a reflective, inward-focused person, the vast and mesmerizing world of cosmic intelligence would not have opened up so early for me.
As an introvert, meditation came easily to me; whereas many aspirants have to struggle to still their minds.
My deepening self-understanding and recognition of my strengths, gave me the self-esteem and confidence to come to terms with myself. I found myself finally reposing in an ocean of calm self-confidence. Today, I am comfortable being around others and enjoy their company. Yet my preference would always be to have meaningful conversations with a close group of friends, or to be with myself.
Though I have arrived in my journey to my real self, it is still not easy for introverts in this largely extroverted world.
The introvert’s challenges
By virtue of their easy outgoing nature, extroverts win the recognition, approval, admiration and regard of society. Their confidence and communication skills give them an edge over the silent, and reflective introvert.
Since extroverts outnumber introverts, people at large are clueless about this personality type, and often baffled by it. It is seen as a shortcoming to be overcome. Parents of introverted children worry about their future and teachers complain about the child who does not participate in class activities. Says Afreen Usman, a homemaker from Lucknow, “My son does not open up to the teacher, does not relate with the father, and does not makes friends easily. I don’t know what to do with him.”
Increasingly, in today’s over-stimulated world, extroversion is lauded and preferred. So much so that parents actively strive to make their dreamy introverts into go-getting extroverts. The results can be damaging. In an article published a few years back in Life Positive, author Yoginder Sikand shares the anguish of his early years: “Whenever I was invited to a classmate’s birthday party, I would tear the invitation card into bits, so that my mother would not force me to attend it. If she ever came to know of a party to which I had been invited, despite my trying to hide it from her, she would insist that I attend. ‘You have to! You have to! Do not be such a loner. You must make friends!’ I can imagine her angrily forcing her will on me.
“I hated such parties. I hated the silly songs that they sang. I hated all the silly boyish games that they played – cricket, football, and relay races. It was not for nothing that I was considered a miserable ‘sissy’ by my classmates. That only made me fear and hate them even more.” It took Yoginder many years and exposure to Vipassana meditation to realize his strengths.
It is time parents understood that introversion is a valid personality type, and brings with it some powerful strengths and advantages. Only if they accept it for themselves can they help their children come to terms with its challenges.
Says Sharmila Bhosale, editor, Life Positive Junior, “Being an extremely shy person I used to resolve that every day, I would talk to one person, and I would push myself to make that call. Even today, I talk myself out of speaking to anyone, by reasoning that I can get the information from Internet or books. When I go to restaurants or crowded parties, the noise and discomfort makes my head spin, and I want to rush home.” For the same reason, she avoids shopping at malls and prefers to buy via online websites.
Such is the pressure to be sociable that many introverts camouflage themselves as extroverts. They suppress their true self and adopt the image of a hearty extrovert, so successfully that nobody, including themselves, can recognise that they are basically introverts.
Dale Carnegie, famous author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, was a shy boy brought up in a farming family in America. As he grew up he saw that people who could speak well, and charm others were more popular and successful. He decided to adopt this trait and coached himself to become one of the most articulate speakers, and charismatic personalities of America, and set off a trend favouring personality over character.
All is well
For introverts still battling with a sense of inadequacy, take heart. Society is waking up to your existence. There is a great deal of study devoted to people like you. It began with a landmark study by the great Swiss psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, called Personality Type, in 1921, where he identified extroversion and introversion for the first time. Extroverts, he explained, were focussed on the external situation, while introverts were focussed on what he called archetypes, the unifying concepts or insights that can help them to make sense of the outer situation. Says Mumbai-based writer and introvert, Sheela Mendes, “I could make no sense of life and therefore had no capacity to live it until a spiritual awakening clarified everything for me. Once I understood that life was interconnected and the purpose of life was to grow, I became passionate about living.”
In his landmark book, Personality Type, Carl Jung identified extroversion and introversion for the first time.
Introverts need less stimulation, extroverts pursue high stimulation activities. Unlike extroverts who gain energy from social interaction, introverts have to expend energy in social situations. After attending a party or spending time in a large group of people, introverts often feel a need to ‘recharge’ by spending a period of time alone. Their work styles are also different. Extroverts work faster, while introverts are slower and more deliberate.
Explains Kendra Cherry, US psychology expert, “People who are introverted tend to be inward turning, or focused more on internal thoughts, feelings and moods rather than seeking external stimulation.”
Extroverts tend to be assertive, dominant and enjoy company. They prefer talking to listening, and are rarely at a loss for words. They are comfortable with conflict, but not with solitude. The extrovert’s strength is breadth, manifesting in a wide range of friends, activities or interests. Introverts have a more narrow range, but they go deep into these. Their friendships are deep and enduring, and they takee their interests and activities deeper.
Introverts may have strong social skills, and enjoy parties and business meets, but after a time wish that they were at home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their energies to close friends, colleagues and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel that they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk.
Nor are introverts necessarily shy. Shyness is a fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not over stimulating. Shyness is inherently painful, whereas introversion is not. Although there is a permutation combination of shy-introverts and non-shy introverts, as well as calm extroverts and anxious extroverts…introverts may not necessarily be shy. Bill Gates, who by all accounts likes to keep to himself, is unfazed by the opinion of others.
Common introversion traits:
Introversion is marked by a number of different sub-traits:
• Very self-aware
• Gets drained by excessive crowds and small talk
• Thoughtful
• Enjoys understanding details
• Interested in self-knowledge and self-understanding
• Tends to keep emotions private
• Quiet and reserved in large groups or around unfamiliar people
• More sociable and gregarious around people they know well
• Learns well through observation
The observer
Because the introvert is often an observer of the situation rather than involved in it, his or her perception is often more acute and objective than that of the extrovert.
Says Purnima Pandey, associate editor of Life Positive Hindi, “While in college, I had gone to Fatehpur, Rajasthan, for a historic and fine arts tour. All the students and teachers enjoyed the trip – played antakshari, cracked jokes, and shared stories. I was the only quiet onlooker. After a few days, we were asked by our history professor to write about the tour for the college magazine, but most of the students had little to say. I wrote my observations down on a piece of paper and handed it over to my professor. She looked at it and remarked ‘Hey, I can remember you were with us but were very quiet and reserved. You recalled every detail that I had missed.’ She added, ‘Dear, I don’t know your name but I would like to ask you to embrace your introvert edge.’
“That was the day that I discovered that I was not weird if I preferred my social isolation to following the crowd; if I didn’t like to talk unless I had something to say; if I had fewer friends, and if I was always thinking and analysing. I observe things around me and process them deep in the heart. My introverted nature makes me a good listener, and observer who can understand unsaid words and emotions. It makes me connect more to human emotions and feelings.”
Dreamers, thinkers and creators
Since introverts go within for inspiration, they have access to the fount of creativity and originality. That explains why some of the greatest minds and creative thinkers have been introverts. Albert Einstein, Issac Newton, Charles Darwin, Marie Curie, Warren Buffet, Steven Speilberg, Vincent Van Gogh, Mirza Ghalib, almost all spiritual masters, and many leaders and thinkers have been introverts. When the idea of Harry Potter dropped into author J K Rowling’s head, she was travelling in a suburban train in London, and could not find the courage to ask her fellow commuters for a pen.
Says Satish Kaku, a spiritual teacher based in Mumbai, “Most spiritual masters, big businessmen, and artists including me are introverts. We channelise our emotion into ideas and creation.”
Actor Deepti Naval is known among her circle of friends to disappear unannounced from the social scene, and go to the hills and remote places to recharge her batteries. This trait of hers was portrayed by film-maker and poet Gulzar in his film, Ijazat, where the heroine puzzles her boyfriend by going on sudden breaks, leaving no clues about her whereabouts.
Following their bliss
Introverts need space, and give space. In a time of heightened stimulation and ceaseless focus on doing and multi-tasking, introverts can provide centred relief. “Since they prefer the inside world to outside stimulation, thankfully their need for fame, glamour and money is far less,” says Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.
“introverts seem to think more carefully than extroverts, think before they act, digest information thoroughly, stay on task longer, give up less easily and work more accurately.”-Susan Cain
“Many may secretly desire it…but it is not necessary that they would be comfortable handling the pressures that come with it. When they realise this, they mostly choose their private space to public glare,” says Sharmila Bhosale.
Agrees Subodh Chandra Verma, a brilliant former professor of Physics, from Gorakhpur, “People have often felt that I could have done more or achieved more with my penetrative mind. But I loved to teach, and never succumbed to the pressures of the outside world.”
Says psychologist and facilitator, GL Sampoorna, “Introverts have less need for approval and do not feel the need to conform. Therefore, they do not succumb to pressure and are free to engage in activities that are not mainstream. They are often creative. They are drawn towards spirituality and metaphysics, more interested in deeper aspects of life. They are in search for meaning and purpose rather than the physical pursuits. They are at their creative best when they have time alone with their thoughts.”
Brenda Knowles in her blog, Space to Live, says, “Our desire to get away from everyone every now and again is perplexing and sometimes painful to extroverts. They don’t understand how we could enjoy being alone. Even more confusing, we sometimes choose to be away from people we really like. The truth is we see all people as stimulation, and potential energy suckers. We even need a break from other introverts. We get out and rock it, but then we need to withdraw from that buzz because if we don’t, our minds will be zapped and cottony.”
Good listeners and empaths
Since introverts are energy sensitive, and perhaps more intuitive, they are naturally more empathetic. Says psychologist GL Sampoorna, “Introverts are often intrigued by what’s beneath the outer defensive personality. This makes them keen observers of people, with a deep interest in listening to and knowing the other. They listen intently, especially one on one. Not interested in dominating the conversation, they are less likely to interrupt, though they have their own parallel inner talk. The speaker often feels listened to. They think, reflect and analyse before they speak, making their input valuable. ”
Adds Sampoorna, “I can still recall an incident in my younger days, where an image I had held of myself had been shattered. Distraught, I talked to a friend. She patiently listened to my rambling, saying very little all the while. Finally, just a couple of lines she said released the distress, and I experienced a sense of being understood.”
Innovative leaders
The corporate world is slowly waking up to the usefulness of introverted leaders. While suave, dashing, quick decision makers ooze confidence, bag deals and get high paychecks, they do not necessarily make correct decisions or add value to the company. The fall of Wall Street and many conglomerates is now being blamed upon the hasty extroverted leader who risked more and thought less.
Says Susan Cain, “Financial history is full of examples of players accellerating when they should be braking. Executives buying companies get so excited about beating their competitors that they ignore that they are overpaying. Extroverts’ dopamine pathways appear to be more active than those of introverts. This blindness to danger makes them ignore warning signals.” She adds, “Whereas introverts in contrast are constitutionally programmed to downplay reward – to kill their buzz, you might say – and scan for problems. As soon as they get excited they’ll put brakes on and think about peripheral issues that may be more important. They also tend to compare new information with their expectations. Introverts are not smarter than extroverts. According to IQ scores they are equally intelligent. But introverts seem to think more carefully than extroverts, think before they act, digest information thoroughly, stay on task longer, give up less easily and work more accurately.”
Even in politics, the introvert can be a force, leading not by charm but by integrity, commitment and example. Quoting the example of Mahatma Gandhi, she writes, “He could not speak extemporaneously and avoided making speeches whenever possible. But he was able to sway the masses because of his firm conviction in his beliefs and the power of soft-skills like non-resistance, compromise, patience and cooperation.”
“My shyness has allowed me to grow. It has helped me in my discernment of truth.” Mahatma Gandhi
“I have naturally formed the habit of restraining my thoughts… Experience has taught me that silence is part of the spiritual discipline of the votary of truth. We find so many people impatient to talk. It is so much waste of time. My shyness has allowed me to grow. It has helped me in my discernment of truth,” said Mahatma Gandhi.
Even in the field of acting, a notoriously flamboyant profession, introverts like Naseeruddin Shah have set the gold standard for excellence. Observes Sheela Mendes, “Introverted actors don’t just act the role, they become the character because their boundaries are more elastic.”
The spiritual edge
Since spirituality can only be exercised by going within, introverts have a natural edge here, though that does not mean all introverts are spiritual or that extroverts are not. Observes Sharmila Bhosale, “There are many extroverts who are spiritual and many introverts who may be spending time alone thinking negatively about the world. A former monk who I follow on FB is very extroverted but I like his views, and insights. And many militants are brooding, negative thinking introverts, who got waylaid by a mischief monger and unleash terror on innocent people.”
Yet most of the great spiritual leaders of the world including Mahatma Gandhi, the Buddha, Nisargadatta Maharaj, J. Krishnamurti, Ramakrishna Paramahansa and many others have been loners and thinkers.
The Himalayan caves are so popular among seekers because it provides them with undisturbed solitude, so necessary to go within for seamless spiritual experiences.
Says Stephen A Diamond, a forensic psychologist in his paper, Evil Deeds, “Every type of meditation, whether Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Christian or Jewish, is a method of introverting. Like sleep and dreaming, meditation is an introverted activity, the difference being that during sleep we are unconscious while during meditation we remain conscious. Generally speaking, introverted types are more receptive to meditation than extroverted types, who tend to avoid it like the plague. The last thing an extroverted type wants to do is engage in an introverted activity like meditation. So chances are, if you are attracted to meditation, and find it relaxing, you are an introvert. If you are an introverted type living a more extroverted existence, meditation might be just what the doctor ordered.”
Know yourself
If you recognize yourself in the above portrait, you may be an introvert. It may be useful to take a test to know more about your personality type. Says Sampoorna, “A lot of times, introverts pass as extroverts, unaware and surprised to discover they are introverts. The question to ask is whether they’re losing or gaining energy from being around others, even if they enjoy being with their friends.”
One of the most popular and perceptive tests is the MBTI test (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), which determines types based on four parameters: introversion/extroversion, thinking/feeling, sensory/intuitive and finally, perceptive/judging.
Says Sheela Mendes, “It was only after I took the test that I realised that I was an introverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceptive type (INFP). As an introvert, I understood that depth was my strength, that my hold on facts and figures may be blurred, but my capacity to see the big picture was exceptional. I realised that I belonged to the category of visionaries, with a unique capacity to contribute to the world.”
It is also advisable to get into an activity emphasising personal growth or spirituality. Many introverts have learnt to truly understand and appreciate themselves only through these steps.
Advantage introversion
After learning to accept and value yourself, the next step is to use your introversion to your advantage. In her book Quiet, Susan Cain talks about a daydreaming introverted Wall Street lawyer called Laura who dreaded the spotlight and aggression. Once her senior went on a vacation leaving her in charge of an important negotiation. The opposite party, a set of bankers, was represented by a tough-talking lady lawyer who immediately went on the offensive. Foxed, Laura was about to cave in when she remembered her inherent advantages as an introvert: She prepared more than others, rarely spoke without thinking, and could take strong positions while coming across as perfectly reasonable.
Staying true to her own style, she never raised her voice or lost her decorum. However, every time the bankers made an assertion that seemed unbudgeable, Laura urged them to think some more, saying, “Are you saying that is the only way to go. What if we took a different approach?” Eventually, her style shifted the mood in the room, the bankers became more receptive and a deal was struck. The next morning, the lead lawyer for the bankers called up Laura to offer her a job, saying “I’ve never seen anyone so nice and so tough at the same time,” And the day after, the lead banker called Laura, asking if her law firm would represent his company in the future. Today Laura knows that she can hold her own whenever she needs to.
Be in balance
Yet there is no such thing as a total extrovert and a complete introvert. We keep oscillating between the two swings of the pendulum. However for a healthy balance, both introverts and extroverts need to embrace their true leanings, while at the same time, overcoming their limitations. If an extrovert finds that his inability to go into the depth of the problem is coming in the way of his effectiveness, he needs to work on that part of himself until focus naturally becomes a part of who he is, instead of imposing it on himself. Similarly, if an introvert is hobbled by his lack of social skills, he can cultivate this as a natural extension of himself.
Says Sheela Mendes, “Many people think I am an extrovert, because I am enthusiastic and lively. But this capacity to be comfortable with others only manifested when I became comfortable with who I was. Today, I am comfortable with public speaking, and with leading a team of writers. I am still an introvert who likes her space, and would never be seen at a noisy party, but it does not limit my life in any way.”
Opines Sampoorna, “I believe that introverts have an advantage because today’s lifestyle trains people to be extroverted, whereas extroverts are not necessarily taught to be introverted.”
Former India opener Navjot Singh Sidhu is a dazzling orator, and it is hard to imagine that he once barely spoke in the team dressing room. The cricketer-turned-commentator and politician credits his transformation to a confident public personality to Swami Vivekananda’s books.
“The first time my professor told me ‘Sherry, you have got to participate in a debate’, I took leave from school for the next three days. The first time I was appointed a prefect, I had to say, ‘School disperse’ and I fainted. That is how scared I was.”
He adds, “In the year 1998, in the last phase (of cricket), I stumbled across Swami Vivekananda’s books. The first volume transformed my life. It was a metamorphosis. I became a believer. That belief converted me into an achiever. Today there is nothing impossible for me.”
Avikalp Verma, a software engineer working in Australia, had always been very shy. Says his sister Parul, “Whenever, my friends used to visit me, my brother would not make eye contact with them, and would keep looking at me while talking.” But despite this Avikalp’s fondness for singing made him come out of his comfort zone. He says, “I always used to underestimate myself, and still do most of the time, thinking that others are better than me, be it in my profession or singing. But when I saw that people giving singing performances on stage in college were nowhere near as good as I was, I gathered confidence and came forward, and when I sang people clapped, and appreciated. This boosted my confidence.”Ultimately, we need to recognise that both extroversion and introversion are unique, and play their own very crucial role. But while extroversion is well-recognised, and well-appreciated, introversion has little or no acceptance in society. The time has come for us to acknowledge their many strengths. It is the way they are…and they spread a certain kind of comfort, assurance and fragrance which is unique to them. My introverted sister who goes to great lengths to contain her reactions because she does not wish to hurt anybody, my shy colleague who barely speaks up publicly, but charms people on Facebook with her marvellous prose, my reticent maid who walks with a calm dignity, despite her lack of education, my inarticulate friend who compensates for his uncharismatic personality by studying hard and scoring high…are all people who make life a calm, soothing and unhurried affair. With them the lack of a dazzling personality is not something to be regretted, but to be quietly celebrated with like-minded friends over hot cups of tea.
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