Hey friends! I know I've been a little MIA over the past year. A second child will do that to a person. Consider yourself warned! In transparency, though, the past year has been a faith building journey for our family as we have experienced life with a baby who isn't completely healthy and are learning to trust God, even when He doesn't heal.
Having a healthy family is something I always took for granted, until our little man was born with some kidney issues. So many of you prayed with us during my pregnancy last year for the Lord to heal my baby as we went through the up and down experience of not knowing what he was going to be born with. I am so grateful to all of you who encouraged me through that time. Prayers were answered as the originally suspected diagnosis of Down Syndrome was incorrect. However, with his diagnosis of Renal Hydronephrosis, we have had numerous ultrasounds, a VCUG, Renal scan, orthopedic appointments and physical therapy for our sweet boy.
If you know anything about life with a toddler and a new baby, you will understand why multiple doctor's appointments in a week just adds chaos on top of an already chaotic adjustment! I quickly learned to offer myself grace and temporarily set aside the things that I find joy in, like writing, for the things that bring me greater joy, my family. I have no regrets.
Watching my baby in a hospital bed in extreme pain and being able to do nothing to help him has been one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life. I wanted so badly for God to heal him. We, and so many others prayed, even fasted and prayed, but God said no.
I remember wondering why God wasn't answering my prayers for healing in the way I thought he should. Every time we went to the doctor for an ultrasound, I mustered up all of the faith I could find and believed that my baby was healed. After all, since my name is faith, I should have more of it, right? Yet, at every appointment last year, the outcome wasn't as I believed it would be. It's easy to trust God when He's doing what you want. Could I trust Him even if he wasn't giving me the tomorrow I was praying for?
Isaiah 55:9-13 says,
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”
This passage has often reminded me that God is writing the lyrics to my song. I don't understand why he lets it rain or puts a thorns in it, but I don't have to. He's making something beautiful with it as I trust Him. This song of life is no one else's to sing and can't be compared to those around me. It's an original. Choosing to trust God with my song even when I think the lyrics should be different has built my faith in great ways. My song isn't being written for my happiness or to display my beauty, my accomplishments, or even my faith. My song is being written to point people to Jesus and that's how I'm learning to sing it.
A few weeks ago, we had another ultrasound done to check on little guy's kidney function. For the first time since he was born, it was showing improvement. We are praising the Lord and so grateful to everyone who has been praying with us! No, he's not healed like we've prayed. Maybe he won't ever be. But we are resting in God's perfect plans that he has not only for our family, but for our son as well. As I trust God, my prayer is becoming less about healing and more about God being glorified through our lives.
If you're in the middle of some tough life lyrics, I hope you are encouraged that God knows what He's doing, even when we don't. My heart goes out to other parents who have children with illnesses far worse than my son or have experienced the loss of a child who wasn't healed. I know that what we have dealt with is by no means as serious as what many families go through, but I hope that our journey can be encouraging in some way. If you need prayer or someone to share with, please send me a message and I'm happy to join you in the journey that God has you or your little ones on.
Colossians 3:17
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.