Facebook’s a very interesting tool, and it shows you what people around the world like. Using their graph search technology, Facebook can tell you what people like in relation to their other interests.
We hatched a study today based on people who like our website in order to find out what other things they enjoy. It turns out that one of the biggest things that people who like us also like is… cuddling.
Here’s the list provided by Facebook of the top 10 libertarians who like cuddling. (Note: We didn’t see ‘privacy’ on the ANY of the top list of things these libertarians liked so…)
#10: Sean Malone
Sean is a creative media producer at the Charles Koch Institute. When he’s not perpetuating the Kochtopus’ takeover of the world by trying to institute a free market utopia full of unicorns created by the abundance of marijuanas and gay marriage, Malone enjoys cuddling and thinking. Recently, someone asked if his children would be hairy, or smooth-skinned. Malone seemed offended by that question, due to it being a bald joke. However, we have heard that bald men make great cuddlers, and women do indeed find them sexy.
#9: Natalie Fawn Danilishen
Natalie is a graphic design artist from Ohio. She has huge boobs that she likes to take pictures of and upload to the Internet. Pretty much right there you can figure that she’s going to like cuddling, and lots of thirsty Interdweebs are going to want to cuddle her. Once she even uploaded a picture of her big, cuddly boobs that had a big splatter of sunburn lotion on them. She made it into a sort of smiley-face and people got kind of grossed out, but also turned on a little bit. Natalie is a shoo-in for liking cuddling. Cuddle us Natalie! We love liberty too!
#8. David Earl Williams
David’s profile shows that he likes cuddling and… “FREEMASONRY. “Now David, why on earth would anyone want to cuddle with a member of the illuminati? We know you are evil! We know you are responsible for GMOs, chemtrails and fluoride juiceboxes that are making our kids gay! We also see that you were a Republican candidate for the House of Representatives. That explains EVERYTHING! No one wants to cuddle Republicans, either. David, we know you like cuddling, but please keep your Bilderberg-brand cuddle-cooties away from us.
#7. Nick Morpus
Besides having a freaking rad last name, Nick Morpus is also a really cool guy who likes cuddling, “anti-war.com,” “painting,” “bass guitar” and “cash.”
Nick, if you have cash… we will happily cuddle you all night long lover-boy. According to Facebook’s graph search, Nick also likes “hugging,” which is pretty obvious because he’s got this really cute girlfriend that he’s hugging in most of his pictures. Not that we stalked his pictures or anything. Not like he’s super handsome or anything. CUDDLE US NICK!
#6. Zak Slayback
Slayback’s also got a cool last name, and he seems to be a pretty handsome guy. In fact, he’s appeared on LibertyViral.com before when we made the list of the “Top 10 Hottest Libertarian Men Alive.” People must really like Zak because not only does he like cuddling, but he also is a fan of Pad Thai, and we know chicks dig Thai food, probably even more than they like cuddling. Facebook graph search also told us that Slayback (which sounds like a badass band name), likes the “trombone.” Does he play it? We don’t know, but we hope that soon Facebook will be able to tell us everything that there is to know about this handsome cuddler who likes Ian Fleming and what appears to be a page called “Ron F*cking Paul.”
#5. Jacqueline Silseth
Jackie likes cuddling, and that’s about it. She seems like she might have more interests, but either she’s not telling, or Facebook graph search has failed us. We do know she has a beautiful smile, because her public profile picture shows that. But we don’t know if she also enjoys “thinking,” or “philosophy” like pretty much every other top 10 libertarian here. Seems like she’s keeping a pretty tight lid on most of that stuff. Good for you Jackie.
#4. Eddie Free
We have a hard time believing that “Free” is your real last name Eddie. What’s the matter? You paranoid that someone is going to use Facebook’s graph search to find out a ton about you and then tell people what you like? Well, we may not know your real last name Mr “Free,” but we know you like “Gandhi” AND “AK-47′s.” Now what on Earth kind of sense is that? That dude was a pacifist, and here you are all shooting sh*t in your pictures, liking AK-47′s and then you’re all like… “oh hey, peace man…” Yeah right.
Eddie also enjoys “slave revolts,” so that’s interesting. Not sure how that relates to cuddling, but we can all just assume that Eddie is the type of guy who will keep you safe while you cuddle.
#3. Melissa Denker
Melissa is an all around super-cute person in general. Why? Because not only does she like “cuddling,” but her next biggest like is “chocolate chip cookies.” She’s the Executive Director at “Liberty In Pink,” which tries to get libertarian women to run for office. She also really likes “the Bible” and “flirting.” Remember though Melissa, Jesus is watching you flirting.
Also, Melissa likes this really strange page called “Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” This is a community of people who recognize that sometimes butthurt is inevitable, but that it’s not an excuse to detach. That’s very beautiful Melissa. We’d love to have a cuddle and a cry with you. And no, that’s not flirting. We like Jesus too.
#2. Emina Dedić
Emina is from Bosnia and she appears to be a promotional model of some sort. That makes sense, since she’s very pretty. But that’s not why we necessarily would want to cuddle with her (even though she also likes “kissing”). Her nickname is “Liberty Beast!” That’s pretty badass! Also, she appears to be big into “anime,” “vampires,” and “bunnies.” This is really cool because we can totally see ourselves cuddling with Emina watching some new vampire bunny anime flick. It’d be sweet!
#1. Sara Scarlett
The number one cuddler on this list is someone for whom I think everyone can safely say they would like to cuddle. Man or woman, Sara has the look of an expert cuddler. She’s the self-described Chief High Priestess at Epicuriana, which if you don’t know Epicurus then basically he’s like a hedonist. So if you like pleasure, and hate pain, Sara’s cuddle sessions are likely to be a real treat. Except, she also likes “duct tape,” so if your idea of pleasure involves perhaps a bit of pain as well then… well… cuddle up!
P.S. Sara also likes “wine,” so bring some when you cuddle.
And those are the top 10 cuddlers! Obviously there were much more things that libertarians liked other than just cuddling, but this is the one thing that most of them had in common. Apparently libertarians love more than just liberty!
Creepy? You betcha. While doing research on our user base this morning, we realized that Facebook had a metric f**kton of information on each of us. Initially we thought we were going to use this to create tailor-made content to what our users liked… then we realized that most of our users like cuddling… then we realized that most of our users other likes were all out there as well… then we realized we were terrified and we wished we were cuddling up somewhere safe… preferably with Eddie “Free” because he looks like he has guns and will keep us safe. I guess the message here is probably, be careful what you like because Facebook has a crap ton of information about you.
Cheers!