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5 Baffling Discoveries That Prove History Books Are Wrong
5 Baffling Discoveries That Prove History Books Are Wrong
By: Evan V. Symon April 20, 2012 1,474,972 views
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A generation of students found out the hard way that archaeology isn't anywhere near as much fun as Indiana Jones made it look. Still, experts in the field do have their exciting, and even shocking, days at the office. Mainly, these occur when they discover baffling artifacts that are half a planet away from where they should be, proving that a whole lot of what we thought about history was dead wrong. Like ...
#5. Cocaine Discovered in Egyptian Mummies
Getty
When Columbus and his buddies made it to the New World, aka not India, they found more than just future smallpox sufferers waiting for them. There was a whole cornucopia of never-before-seen plants and animals growing in the Americas, not to mention new and interesting ways to use beads. So while the natives came away from their first European encounter with raging infectious diseases and honeybees, Europeans were introduced to the glories of tobacco, narcotics made from the coca leaf and a whole mess of open-air nudity. If you've ever needed evidence that history is unfair, there it is.
Wikipedia
"This is great, we'll take it. These guys don't have squatters' rights, do they?"
At least that's the story we know. And if that's true, then how did some Egyptian mummies wind up with traces of cocaine in their bodies?
The Finds:
In 1992, German scientists were testing their mummies when they found remnants of hashish, tobacco and cocaine in their hair, skin and bones. Now, hashish comes from Asia, so it's not unfathomable that a royal Egyptian would know a guy who could get him the hook-up. But tobacco and cocaine were strictly New World plants at the time of the mummification. It'd be like if some celebrity today tested positive for heroin that could only have been grown on Venus.
Getty
"I've been nodding for the last two millenniums. This shit is incredible."
So how did it happen? All we have are theories. Maybe the sites were contaminated by hard-partying archaeologists (although you'd think that if somebody had old pics of themselves snorting coke off of a mummy's ass, they'd have uploaded that shit to Facebook by now). Or maybe the mummies themselves were fake, like maybe they were disco-era archaeologists who just took their love of mummification too far.
Getty
"Four excavators came down with the disco fever before a priest released the curse."
So the German scientists did what anyone trying to protect their reputation would do -- they had an independent lab test the mummies themselves. They found the same dope. The Germans then went to work testing hundreds of ancient mummies, finding nicotine in a third of them. Not only that, but actual tobacco leaves were discovered in the guts of Ramses II (of Exodus fame, maybe). And among those leaves, an actual dead tobacco beetle was found, which means that some ancient Egyptian just smoked the hell out of his cigarettes.
Wikipedia
Only a lazy beatnik would have that beard.
#4. Ancient Hebrew Inscribed on a Rock in New Mexico
Wikipedia
Picture this: You're an archaeologist minding your own business in New Mexico when a guy comes up and tells you he's got something to show you. Once you check to make sure he's wearing pants and double check to make sure you've got a gun, you follow him to this town outside Albuquerque called Los Lunas. And there he shows you a 90-ton rock inscribed with ancient writing. No big deal, right? Everyone knows Native Americans have lived in the area since at least the 1850s, it's only natural they'd scratch some graffiti up every now and then. People get bored.
Getty
Things to do in Old New Mexico: Die, watch other people die, make pottery.
This is exactly what happened to archaeology professor Frank Hibben in 1933. Only he had the sense to recognize that the scribbling wasn't Native American writing -- it was Hebrew. Ancient Hebrew. And the message wasn't "Custer sux balls," it was the Ten Commandments.
The Find:
Believe it or not, while people in the 1930s were gullible enough to think Martians were invading Earth in the most melodramatic way possible, they were cynical enough to call bullshit at the claim that anyone in ancient America knew Hebrew. Yet when experts took a look, they were confounded. For one thing, the script included some Greek letters, which indicated that the script was etched by someone comfortable with mixing Greek and Hebrew (if no one comes to mind, ancient Samaritans fit that bill perfectly).
Wikipedia
They're the ones who didn't cross the road to get to the other side because their religion bans jokes.
So that was weird. And the rock was the same basalt of the mountain right behind it, so it was definitely local. But that doesn't mean that the ancient script on the rock was ancient, right? Any old American with a theology degree and a chisel could have done it (again, there was literally nothing else to do for entertainment back then). It also doesn't help that the guy who discovered the rock in the first place was later implicated in artifact fraud (though the allegations were never proven). The whole thing was just too weird to be anything but a hoax.
idahoptv
"Oh sure, but if we wrote 'Elvis lives' in Latin, everyone would believe it."
Yet when a modern geologist examined the inscriptions and compared them with carvings nearby, he concluded that the scratchings could be between 500 and 2,000 years old. And that's as much as we'll presumably ever know -- by this point, too many people have handled the artifact for dating tests to get any kind of accurate results.
ohio-state
If legit, it would explain why the local tribes have such kickass bagels.
#3. Ancient Roman Statues in Mexico
Getty
Anyone with a third grade understanding of world geography (or access to Google Maps) knows that Rome and Latin America aren't neighbors (fiery tempers and flat bread recipes don't count as proximity in the map world). Even when Rome was at its apex and was conquering Africa, England and everyone's hearts, places like Mexico were nowhere on their radar. Not just because radar didn't exist, but because as far as the Old World was concerned, the Western Hemisphere didn't exist. Once you got past Portugal, it was nothing but Neptune, water dragons and the edge of the planet.
geographicus
Standing somewhere high and noticing the curve of the Earth was just too much for the Romans.
Which was why scholars were baffled when an ancient statue of a Roman head popped up in an old temple in Mexico.
The Finds:
In 1933, an archaeologist was digging around a burial ground about 40 miles away from Mexico City when he discovered this tiny little figure among the other offerings. And we should mention that this wasn't just a typical out-in-the-open burial dumping ground. The spot he was digging was previously under not one, but two undisturbed cement floors that were untouched since the 1500s. So it's not like a jokester could have purchased it at the nearest Roman-centered novelty store and dumped it in a cemetery to be hilarious.
Getty
"I left an ancient Egyptian dildo in there for him to find, but wait until he realizes it's from the wrong dynasty!"
And yes, we're aware that Columbus touched ground a few years before that, but white guys didn't make it to Mexico until 1519, and even then, it's unlikely they would have been carrying around Roman artifacts. And yes, they know it was Roman -- the beehive bouffant (or hat) and facial features match Roman artifacts of the second century.
asu.edu
Romans clearly went through a difficult puberty before becoming masters of the world.
So how did it get there? No one knows. But another discovery might shed some light on the mystery.
In 1982, an underwater archaeologist discovered a buttload of third century Roman vases in the harbor of Rio de Janeiro. A little more digging around led to the discovery of two rotting Roman-style ships, which were then promptly buried with sand by the Brazilian government. Apparently Brazil hates adventure, and also the idea of anyone messing with their version of history, which was that their land was discovered by the Portuguese, not the Romans. Seems like it'd be cooler to have been discovered by the Romans, but whatever.
davidpratt
"We don't want a bunch of unruly Italians covering everything in marinara sauce and pictures of the Pope."
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Add New Comment To turn on reply notifications, click here 1663 Comments
Recent Votes You | Show Profanity
PigTheDragon
07/28/12 03:40 PM
so brazillian government fucked up the roman ships huh...kind of a dick move on our part
Reply
ibukichan
06/27/12 03:41 PM
+5
I guarantee that every Mormon who read this article saw the one about the Hebrew rocks and went "yup. Saw that coming."
Reply
EmEss
06/23/12 09:58 AM
+2
Somehow, Rome beating everyone to the punch makes me smile. Considering Rome got shotgun, America is now officially part of Italy.
Reply
Vader999
07/29/12 06:56 AM
America is named after Amerigo Vespucci.......ANOTHER ITALIAN LOL!
IronKing
06/19/12 07:49 PM
So THAT'S how Ibis and Jacquel (Thoth and Anubis for starters) ended up in America.
Reply
vercotti
06/08/12 02:43 PM
Is that why Urien from Street Fighter is in Mexico? Third Strike, though...
Reply
moo102
06/05/12 08:27 PM
+4
I don't get why the Norse coin from Maine is so shocking. Sure, it traveled hundreds of miles to get there, but other artifacts traveled THOUSANDS. Besides, it's possible the Vikings made a quick stop there that left very little or no evidence. Or maybe one of the natives found the coin and used it in trade, where it made its way South? (Not likely, but you never know) In any case, it just doesn't seem too far-fetched to me for them to find a Viking coin some hundreds of miles from where they camped briefly.
Reply
Vader999
06/02/12 10:12 AM
0
Nothing really shocking here.
The egyptians also had a formula for primitive electricity.
The Spanish could've taken those old roman statues with them, as well as the Hebrew writings.
The Ancient j*p speakers could've migrated through Alaska and moved downward to Mexico.
How does this prove history book were wrong again?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies
Davidius
06/05/12 05:59 PM
+3
WTF is 'primitive electricity'? You are probably thinking of the Baghdad battery, from Iraq.
H2Sbass
06/06/12 06:44 AM
+2
You mean Iraq, the country in the middle east that likely would have been considered part of Egypt back in the days of the pharoh's ?
Evilgoodguy
05/30/12 01:02 AM
+3
The coin is no surprise and the stone is probably a hoax.
The Zuni thing is pretty interesting, especially when you count the biological similarities. The tobacco in the mummies is really neat. The Roman statues in Brazil. . . well, most Roman documents were destroyed by Barbarian Hordes, so I see no reason why that couldn't be possible. Given Thor Heyerdahl's expeditions, I'd say it even makes perfect damned sense.
Reply
ThadElectric
07/18/12 01:36 PM
I pretty much agree with you.
Noppera-bo
07/28/12 05:54 AM
No to mention that there are also several indigenous (i.e. made there) Olmec statuettes that show people with distictinly Semetic features (including long full beards) or African ones. Most money is on the Phoencians, who it was already established could basically sail anywhere (Heyerdhal again)
Daniel2112
05/27/12 05:52 PM
+7
I grew up Mormon (don't worry, I'm feeling much better now) and they believe that the lost tribe of Israel actually came to the Americas and are the Native Americans. So given how close Utah is to New Mexico, my money is on #4 being a Mormon hoax job.
Reply
H2Sbass
06/06/12 06:50 AM
+3
The Book of Mormon also claims that heavenly father (mormon's "god") turned the natives skin red because they were sinners. By which logic, 95 % of people should look like tomatoes right now.
758956
06/25/12 07:26 PM
+4
Mormonism is like the fanfic version of Christianity.
JRamirez107
05/15/12 11:20 PM
+2
#4. Weren't some of the Spaniards that settled in New Mexico crypto Jews?
Reply
Vader999
06/02/12 10:12 AM
+2
Some also probably brought the Roman statues with them. Spain was a Roman province after all.
Kulo
05/11/12 12:27 PM
-1
The Japanese part is bullshit. There is no such sound of "kwa" in the Japanese (although I admit that Hearn did for some reason write the sound "kai" as "kwai"), neither is the sound of "we" possible (ok, it has existed historically...but even then, there is no word that would resemble what that theoretical historical word would have had to transform into that would mean a clown). Even if they had used some really weird romanisation system for the Japanese language in this article, for example adding w-letters to reflect the weird way English speaking persons pronounce words, none of the words listed here are still recognizable as Japanese. The only word that would reflect the Japanese pronounciation system would be "shawani", but while there is a multitude of words meaning priest in Japanese, for buddhist, shinto, catholic and protestant priests, as well as formal, informal, friendly, honorable, exact and general expressions, none of them resemble the word "shawani" that the article claims to be Japanese.
Reply
HG131
06/29/12 12:54 AM
+3
Dude, languages evolve. Go read Shakespeare. That is officially modern English, Yes, Shakespeare is modern English. Go back a few more centuries. It looks like gibberish. Go back a few more. You'll be going "What?" more than a confused 10th Doctor.
Phantasmagorium
07/28/12 06:44 PM
Congratulations on taking two years of Japanese in high school. I'm sure that if your points are valid, someone qualified already wrote a rebuttal to her papers mentioning them.
fuckingpedant
05/08/12 05:52 PM
+6
Buddhist missionary from Japan? The ones that vowed celibacy? Damn.
Reply
IsaacP.Leiro
05/02/12 10:55 PM
+9
History does not really say that nobody got to america before the norse people or Colon, just that it was Colon who opened a stable route that linked both continents from then on. It is perfectly possible that some isolated ships arrived to te coast of america by accident well before them. In fact, if you arrive to the Canary Islands (something we know the Romans did) it is pretty hard not to arrive to America, because the currents will carry your ship there. The problem would be arriving there alive without enough food or water, and of course, coming back. So lone inscriptions or even artifacts from roman or phoenicians could be found and that, while impressive and curious, would not change history. The same goes for the coin, which could be the rest of a Viking expedition, or more likely, a treasured object traded several times over a long distance.
The Jew scripture, however, sounds like a hoax, and the Zuni thing... seems quite far fetched.
But I have to say, the cocaine in the mummies is really intriguing. Those tests were done years ago, I wonder if anybody has published any attempt of explanation.
Reply
Vader999
06/02/12 10:14 AM
+2
The Jew scripture could've been brought by Spanish crypto Jews.
Modulation
05/02/12 02:14 PM
+1
Zuni is SOV just like its neighbors, and that's the most common word order in the world. To say Zuni's regionally unique, which isn't true, yet draw a link to Japanese is ridiculous. And it's notoriously easy to find lexical similarities when there are multiple words for things like clown, priest, etc., and one is able to arbitrarily stretch semantics and phonology, and cherry pick through time. Something less vague and more primitive, like the numeral system, yields nothing... If someone's fishing for evidence, none of these things are the least bit convincing.
Reply
desmodeus
05/01/12 06:35 PM
-6
The period 1065 to 1080 is 16 years not 15. Probably a good idea to get your maths right if you're going to include a dig about other people being too lazy to do it. Oh yes and the romans didn't think the world was flat.
Reply
Curator
05/10/12 01:56 AM
-6
true, although people will probably keep voting you down, not realizing that if you count the year 1065, that you are entirely correct, people start counting with 65, make a mark on paper for each year till yo ureach 80...its 16 marks:)
JRamirez107
05/15/12 10:43 PM
+9
It's 15 years. 65-66 is the first year, and so on and so forth.
barkido
04/30/12 09:08 PM
-1
so this is a mysteries about a discoveries . love your writings but don,t agree with the cosplay is embarasement to your culture it,s a hobby and a culture too you know?!
Reply
Derp1234
04/29/12 02:05 PM
-2
Most of these aren't really "proof" that the history books are wrong, nor are most of them proved. They're mysteries, some of which are widely disregarded, for instance because there's absolutely no evidence that anyone actually made it to the New World before the vikings.
Reply
Slowdjinn
05/02/12 07:58 AM
+4
I think all those millennia-old ruins dotted about the place show that *someone* got there before the Norsemen.
cherokee1934
05/30/12 12:49 PM
It is thought that people arrived on the southern west coast from some where in the Pacific. So, if true these people could have gotten here before the Vikings. The facts are in that there were Native Americans here many centuried before the Vikings. And the latest thinking is that not everyone came across the bering land bridge but from across the Pacific Ocean.
EpicTroll
04/28/12 09:45 AM
+15
The answer to #2 seems simple to me: Either the coin was traded or stolen from the Viking settlement by native americans and eventually made its way south
Reply
JRamirez107
05/15/12 10:46 PM
+1
I believe Cracked just posted an article about Native Americans. One point they made was that the Vikings may have made it south as far as North Carolina. Contradictory... They really need to cross check their articles for consistency.
Phantasmagorium
07/28/12 06:47 PM
Or.. not, because available information changes and Cracked isn't a scientific journal.
BassmintStile
04/26/12 03:32 AM
+32
In all fairness, Brazil is just doing that so the cast of Jersey Shore doesn't visit.
Reply
Boblington
04/27/12 08:59 PM
+21
They're doing gods work
Evilgoodguy
05/30/12 12:52 AM
-1
But wait, Brazil's largest demographic is Italian. . . wait, I get it now, but. . . aren't guidos repelled by such nerdy things as history?
likalaruku
04/25/12 01:13 AM
-3
It's not possible for Kwai to be a Japanese word; there has to be a vowel between the k & the w. & the Japanese word for clan are ichizoku, buzoku, & shuzoku.
...Unless you're referring to the Ainu; they're indigenous to Japan but do not speak Japanese.
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies
Skitty
04/25/12 10:44 AM
-3
Forgive me if I find it hard to believe that your exploits on google translator are more accurate than a writer's research for a history article.
Eyedunno
04/25/12 01:25 PM
+9
This article is stupid, but your comment is also kinda wrong. Okay, kwai cannot be a NATIVE Japanese word, but until recently, it was very possible with Japanese words formed from Chinese roots, and there are still older speakers of some dialects who do have /kwa/ as part of their sound inventory. For example, there is [kwansai] 'Western Japan' (/kansai/ in standard Japanese) and [kwaidan] 'ghost story', which is even the title of a movie based on the book by Lafcadio Hearn.
And if this happened in the 12th century, and Buddhist missionaries, at that, they would have had lots of Chinese loans. Having said that, yeah, it's still bullshit, and I'm still very skeptical about that vocabulary, none of which is recognizable to me.
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