This is The Spectator, Ian Hamilton’s look at the weird and wacky goings-on in the world of sports.
Inflation was a major topic during 2015 … and we’re not talking about the economy.
The New England Patriots’ role in Deflategate was just one of the main stories of the year in sports. A punch-up in the New York Jets’ locker room, the FIFA bribery scandal and Tiger Woods’ continued decline also were fodder for columnists everywhere.
Here are some of The Spectator’s favourite quips and quotes from 2015.
PATRIOT GAMES
• “The Patriots are suspected of cutting so many corners, their home field should be an oval.” — Michael Rosenberg of SI.com, discussing Deflategate, Spygate and other alleged New England misdeeds.
• “Seahawk footballs will be over 13 (pounds per square inch). Patriot footballs will be under 13 psi.” — Comedy writer Alan Ray, noting that the over/under for the Super Bowl between Seattle and New England was 13.
• “Here’s hoping his water wings were properly inflated.” — The Spectator, after Patriots quarterback Tom Brady jumped off a 40-foot-high cliff into the ocean during a family vacation in Costa Rica.
• “And yet somehow I don’t think Tom will lose any sleep-with-a-supermodel over this.” — Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, discussing the notion that Brady’s legacy will be affected by Deflategate.
BOWLED OVER
• “Some call it the worst play call in the history of the universe, but we simply aren’t aware of all other solar systems.” — Chuck Culpepper of the Washington Post, tweeting his reaction to the goal-line interception Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson threw that gave the Patriots the Super Bowl title.
• “It’s an interesting take on the pivotal play, but until further notice, the interception is still credited to cornerback Malcolm Butler.” — Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot, after Wilson told a church congregation in San Diego that God told him He wanted to see how Wilson would respond to adversity.
• “Tom Brady said he wants to give his MVP truck to the man who won the game for the Patriots. So enjoy that truck, Pete Carroll.” — Kaseberg, zinging the Seahawks’ head coach for calling the play that resulted in the interception.
• “We blame the Seahawks’ lousy play call for Mike’s untimely death.” — The family-supplied obituary in the Spokane Spokesman-Review for Michael Vedvik, who died of a heart attack Sunday before he could watch a recording of the Super Bowl.
GRIDIRON GREATS
• “Lots of stuff coming out of the attic, then a lot of stuff coming out of the basement.” — Indianapolis Colts quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, telling the Indianapolis Star too much information about the bout of food poisoning that sidelined him early in the season.
• “Broncos waiting to notify next of kin before publicly announcing Peyton Manning‘s status.” — A headline on SportsPickle.com about Denver’s aging quarterback.
• “It sounds like Jay is a very touchy Feely person.” — The Spectator, after former NFL kicker Jay Feely told Showtime’s Jim Rome that he respected Tim Tebow as a man but thought he was the worst quarterback ever.
• “That’s like someone who can’t cook buying a great set of pots and pans.” — Miami Herald columnist Greg Cote, after the New York Jets acquired receiver Brandon Marshall from the Chicago Bears despite not having a proven quarterback.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
• “Apparently Ikemefuna Enemkpali hates the nickname ‘Eye Chart.’ ’’ — Kaseberg, after the linebacker punched quarterback Geno Smith in the Jets’ locker room.
• “BREAKING: Bears reach out to Jets player that punched out Geno Smith to check availability on meeting with Jay Cutler.” — A tweet on the Faux John Madden account after Enemkpali’s punch.
• “George no doubt is hoping for a long run.” — The Spectator, after it was reported that former Tennessee Titans tailback Eddie George had landed a role in the Broadway musical Chicago.
COLLEGE HIJINX
• “And coaches are close to offering a full ride to the gleam in some dude’s eye.” — Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald, after reports surfaced that the University of Miami’s football program offered scholarships to three Grade 8 students.
• “If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3(-second 40), we’d probably diagnose it as an eating disorder.” — Arizona Cardinals general manager Steve Keim, discussing how NFL teams address character issues among NCAA players.
• “I’m just looking forward to hopping on the wife.” — Arkansas Razorbacks head coach Bret Bielema, trying (but failing) to say he was eager to get on a plane with his missus and head home from a road game.
IT’S MADNESS!
• “That’s the big tournament where you start out with 64 teams, and in only three weeks you’re down to no girlfriend.” — NBC’s Seth Meyers, discussing March Madness.
• ” ‘Your matriarch’s inability to calculate Pi is mortifying’ will not cut it.” — Kaseberg, suggesting the Harvard Crimson wasn’t going to go far in the NCAA basketball tournament unless its players improved their trash-talking.
• “I’m sorry, but if I want to watch the Fighting Irish I’ll visit my parents.” — TBS’s Conan O’Brien, who wasn’t impressed that Notre Dame made it to the Sweet 16.
COURT CUTS
• “If it ain’t Burke, don’t fix it.” — Brad Rock of the Deseret News, after Utah Jazz guard Trey Burke missed all 11 of his three-point attempts in a game while three of his teammates were a combined 7-for-12.
• “Most are novice and have no business on the floor. Oh wait, the TV was tuned to a Knicks game.” — Ray, mocking New York’s NBA entry by comparing it to the cast of Dancing with the Stars.
• “OK, what’d Kobe Bryant do this time?” — The Spectator, after the 12-carat “Blue Moon” diamond sold at auction for $48.5 million US.
• “Bulls players annoyed by Derrick Rose always leaving torn ligaments all over locker room.” — A headline at the mock website TheOnion.com, referring to the oft-injured Chicago Bulls star.
DIAMOND DANDIES
• “He’s expected to arrive there sometime next week.” — The Spectator, after 88-year-old Lew Dunlap started to charge the mound following a brush-back during a game at a Colorado Rockies fantasy camp.
• “Finally an answer to the age-old philosophical question. If a baseball player scratches his crotch and spits, and nobody is there, is it still disgusting?” — Kaseberg, after the Baltimore Orioles and Chicago White Sox played a game without any fans in the stands due to violence on the streets of Baltimore.
• “They’ve put up more crooked numbers than a Volkswagen emissions tester.” — Ray, discussing the Toronto Blue Jays’ power-laden offence.
• “He couldn’t drive home Miss Daisy if he tried.” — Former Seattle Mariners coach Andy Van Slyke, telling a St. Louis radio station that M’s second baseman Robinson Cano doesn’t come through in the clutch.
ON THE D.L.
• “To be fair, 31 years of use is a lot to ask for from a ligament.” — Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Brandon McCarthy, tweeting that his season was over due to a torn ligament in his pitching elbow.
• “The procedure has become so prevalent, it seems like it’s being done on every Tommy John, Dick and Harry.” — The Spectator, after Chase Whitley of the New York Yankees became the 16th major-league pitcher of the year to undergo reconstructive elbow surgery.
• “In amazing video footage you probably saw, a pro surfer was attacked by a shark but somehow was not injured. Meanwhile, a Major League Baseball player is out eight to 12 weeks after stubbing his toe on a cotton swab.” — Dickson.
TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT
• “That’s like ‘Pretty Boy’ Floyd getting banking advice from John Dillinger.” — Norman Chad of the Washington Post, after steroid-tainted New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez got hitting tips from steroid-tainted retiree Barry Bonds.
• “A-Rod will be urinating more than a frat boy at a keg party.” — Cote, after Major League Baseball told Rodriguez he would face increased drug testing because of his suspension.
• “I’ve been booed for 15 years, buddy. I don’t know if you haven’t been around. It’s been one long boo for 15 years.” — Rodriguez, after he was asked by a Detroit reporter if it seems like he gets booed more on the road.
BLATTER INFECTION
• “FIFA is so grandiosely historically corrupt that busting them for this, finally, feels like ignoring reports on Jeffrey Dahmer for years and then raiding his kitchen for health-code violations.” — Rolling Stone’s Jeb Lund, discussing the bribery scandal that rocked world’s soccer governing body.
• “Hey, did you hear that a wedding was held at FIFA headquarters the other day? The organist played ‘Here Comes the Bribe.’ ” — The Spectator.
• “Do you know how hard it is to take $150 million in bribes without using your hands?” — Comedy writer Jerry Perisho.
• “The only reason Sepp Blatter would resign is if someone bribed him to resign.” — Former Late Show with David Letterman writer/executive producer Eric Stangel, after FIFA’s president was pressured to step down.
FUTBOL FOLLIES
• “When it comes to narcissism, no one can hold a candle to Ronaldo.” — The Spectator, after Cristiano Ronaldo announced plans to buy a $30,000 wax figure of himself for his house.
• “Innocent Guilty.” — A headline suggested by Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, after San Francisco Earthquakes midfielder Innocent was suspended for one game by the MLS for throwing an elbow during a game.
• “Osnabrueck was leading 1-0 when the game was halted, but a tribunal on Friday awarded Leipzig the win by a score of 2-Zippo.” — The Spectator, after a game between RB Leipzig and Osnabrueck was stopped early when the referee was hit on the head by a lighter thrown by an Osnabrueck fan.
SWINGS AND MISSES
• “World Golf Rankings: 1. Rory McIlroy 2. Jordan Spieth … 239. Charles Barkley 240. 4-year-old on windmill minigolf hole 241. Tiger Woods” — A tweet by Fake ESPN after the first round of the British Open.
• “Media reports suggest England’s Radio 1 has banned Madonna‘s songs because she’s old and irrelevant. Does that mean TV networks won’t show Tiger Woods anymore?” — The Spectator.
• “I have never missed Woodward and Bernstein more.” — Dickson, after a Washington Post investigation suggested presidential candidate Donald Trump may cheat at golf.
• “I took a good nap and woke up with the same crappy golf swing.” — Former NBAer Charles Barkley on Campus Insiders’ Seth Davis Show, telling listeners that even hypnosis didn’t help his bad golf swing.
ICE CAPADES
• “I feel my marbles are rolling in the right direction now.” — Ottawa Senators forward Clarke MacArthur, telling reporters that he thought he was close to recovering from a concussion.
• “I appreciate your votes for All-Star game, but 3 on 3 would kill me, and i don’t want to die yet :) Thank you for understanding. Too old :)” — A tweet by Florida Panthers star Jaromir Jagr, telling fans not to vote him into the NHL all-star game.
• “Jagr reportedly replied that he didn’t care if the picture got out, so he didn’t get an assist on her goal.” — The Spectator, after a Czech model reportedly tried to extort $2,000 from Jagr by saying she’d release a picture of them in bed if he didn’t pay up.
RIGHT ON TRACK
• “IF IT WAS EASY, IT WOULD BE CALLED YOUR MOM” — The, uh, supportive message on a spectator’s sign during the Boston Marathon.
• “Roger Bannister‘s shoes expected to go fast.” — A Hamilton Spectator headline on a story about the auction of some sports memorabilia.
• “First cyclist to pass both the finish line and a doping test wins.” — Cote, referring to the Tour de France.
RING TONES
• “The former Nike athlete’s motto was ‘Just Do It. For $600 an Hour.'” — Kaseberg, after Suzy Favor Hamilton — who ran for the U.S. in three Summer Olympics — wrote a book detailing her secret life as an escort in Las Vegas.
• “Athletes training in Rio have become ill after coming in contact with the water in the bay, which is to be the site of such events as rowing, sailing, marathon swimming and, by the sound of things, log rolling.” — The Spectator, after reports surfaced of raw sewage in one of the venues for the 2016 Rio Olympics.
• “One thing for sure, this Olympics won’t have winning coxswains thrown into the water.” — Blogger Janice Hough on the pollution at the rowing venue.
ODDS AND ENDS
• “Until now, anyone talking about someone over 50 and pull-ups was referring to adult diapers.” — Comedy writer Jim Barach, after 54-year-old Mark Jordan was awarded a Guinness world record for doing 4,321 pull-ups in 24 hours.
• “He broke the previous record of zero.” — O’Brien, after the Guinness Book of World Records approved a mark set by a Nepalese teenager who kicked himself in the head 134 times in one minute.
• “If something is off the charts — like a player’s work ethic or a team’s performance — shouldn’t the charts be expanded?” — Ostler, with a philosophical question about sports.
LAST WORDS
• “The wrong one.” — An unnamed reader of the Orlando Sentinel, giving his thoughts when asked which quarterback the Tampa Bay Buccaneers would take with the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft.
• “You know, sometimes roughness is necessary.” — Hamilton Tiger-Cats guard Peter Dyakowski, telling the Toronto Star why there were nine penalties for rough play in the Tiger-Cats’ Labour Day clash with the Toronto Argonauts.
• “In order to start winning, we have to stop losing.” — B.C. Lions receiver Emmanuel Arceneaux, telling TSN how his team could get back on track.
• “I always use this analogy when it comes to sports fans: Just because you watch Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t mean you can perform an operation.” — Barkley, discussing players getting into it with know-it-all fans on social media.
(The Spectator is on hiatus.)
ihamilton@postmedia.com
twitter.com/IanHamiltonLP