David Watts and Lana Dyson passed the time in the Tigin Irish Pub, having a few beers. When they were finished, they paid their tab and walked out, Lana‘s hand in the back pocket of his trousers, and drove to her apartment.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” said Lana, pouring glasses of wine for them both as David flopped onto the couch, drunk, numb and uninspired.
Lana took a rock of cocaine out of her handbag, broke off a piece, set it upon the oval-shaped mirror on the coffee table, chopped out two lines, and rolled up a dollar bill. She snorted one of the lines and let out a sigh. “Did you want any?” she said.
“No thanks,” said David, sipping his wine.
“That’s all right,” said Lana as she set the mirror on the coffee table, taking a satisfied deep breath and a sip of wine. She set her glass on the coffee table and without warning, put her arm around David and gave him a passionate kiss.
He pulled away for a moment. “Lana, what are you doing?” he said with an unnerved tone, gently setting his glass next to hers.
“Don’t worry, David,” said Lana as she untucked his shirt, brushing her hand against his stiffening member. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” She gave him a brief but tender kiss on the lips.
David looked at her with wide, frightened eyes. “Lana…” he said.
“Calm down!” said Lana, laughing. “You two aren’t really together right now, are you? Not technically, right?”
“We’re still married.”
“She walked out on you, didn’t she?” said Lana, taking David’s hand in hers and looking at him with solicitous, glassy eyes and a lustful, tooth-grinding smile.
“That’s not the point,” said David.
“You’re right, David. That’s not the point. The point is, you need a load off your mind, and she won’t really know any better if you keep your mouth shut. I‘m only trying to help. I’m telling you, nobody will suspect a thing.”
“Lana, you’re sweet and attractive and all, but I don’t think this will really help things in the long run. It’s nothing just personal, just…”
Lana silenced him with a long, tonguing kiss. Nothing was going to stop her from seducing him. She took his hand and slipped it under her blouse, then began to undo his pants. She pulled his d*** out and began to lick it a little before taking it into her mouth. She paused for a moment and said to David, “If you think about it, you feel guilty, that’s on you. If you go back to her, she doesn’t need to know about this, does she?”
“I don’t think so,” said David, exhaling with the beginnings of a casual smile. F*** it.
“Exactly,” said Lana. She went back to sucking David off. Before long, different articles of clothing lay scattered across the living room as they f***ed on the couch with abandon. As usual, David climaxed early. He rolled off of her, took the condom off and sat next to her, catching his breath.
“We could do it again in a little while if you wanted,” said Lana as she snorted the other line.
David sighed as his guilt returned. “Actually, I probably should just go home,” he said. “I don’t feel right.”
“Come on, David,” said Lana, stroking his cheek.
“I mean, what if Grace finds out?”
Lana laughed. “David, I already told you, she’s not going to find out.”
“Somebody from the office could have been at the Tigin.”
David had long been well aware that the Dumont-Hayes Real Estate Agency was quite a gossip mill. The last thing he wanted was for Grace to join him at some office function and hear about his indiscretion.
Lana laughed. “I don’t believe this,” she said. “I’m the one who’s just blown two lines of yeyo and you’re the one who’s paranoid!”
David bit his lip as sweat gathered on his palms. “I…”
“David, relax,” chattered Lana as she sniffed and wiped her nose with her hand. “I was only trying to make you feel better. Did you want to spend a night with somebody who will comfort you and help you get through the s*** you’re going through, or do you want to go back home to an empty bed?”
David cocked his head and twisted one corner of his lips. Lana indeed had a point and there was no way he could refuse.
“She doesn’t need to know,” said Lana with an emphatic tone as she kissed his neck.
“You seduced me,” said David.
“You could have said no.”
“Hard to say no to someone like you,” said David, smiling and nibbling at her collarbone.
“I know,” purred Lana. She kissed him on the cheek. “Come on David,” she said, smiling and looking him in the eye. “I’ll cook you breakfast. Promise.”
He sighed. “F*** it,” he said.
“No,” said Lana as she opened her handbag and pulled out a fresh condom. She handed it to David. “F*** me.” She laughed. “You’re such an easy lay, you know that, David?” she said, giving him a long kiss with plenty of tongue.
*****
On Friday at half past noon, as David was eating at Luna Rossa, his cell phone rang. He answered it. “Hello.”
“David, it’s Roxanne. I have a woman here who is interested in buying a house and wants to talk to you, specifically. You’re not too swamped right now, are you?”
“Mmm,” said David, dabbing at his lips with his napkin. “I’m actually was just getting some lunch. I don’t have another appointment until two.”
“Well, she’s at the office right now,” said Roxanne. “She’s pretty loaded and told me she will pay top dollar for something good. If she finds something she likes, this could be quite lucrative for you.”
“Is that so?” said David, smiling as he imagined how much money he might make from the transaction.
Roxanne chuckled. “I have no heart to lie to you, David,” she said.
“Tell her I’ll be there shortly,” said David. He wolfed down the last bite of chicken stromboli and polished off his soda.
“You want her to wait?” said Roxanne.
“Yeah” said David. “I’ll be there very shortly.”
“Great. Talk to you soon.”
“Thanks.”
“Goodbye.”
*****
David drove to the office and strode up to the front desk with eager steps. “Is she still here, Roxanne?”
Roxanne nodded for David to look behind him. When he did, she smirked.
David saw his mother-in-law, Iris Agnew rise from the Italian leather couch, a stainless steel thermos cup full of boiling hot tea and lemon juice in her hand and a disapproving look on her face. “Ms. Agnew,” he said, smiling and walking toward his mother-in-law as she pried the cap from the cup. “How’s it going? So you’ve been…”
“Motherf***er,” hissed Iris as she splashed the hot tea in David’s face. He cried out in pain, shaking as his eyes stung. She belted him across the mouth with the cup, giving him a fat lip.
Roxanne snickered and gritted her teeth. Sucker! That was too easy! “Don’t do that, Iris,” she said. “You’ll stain the carpet.”
Iris kicked David square in the balls. When he doubled over, cupping his hands around them, she hammered his face with a left hook, knocking him to the floor. Roxanne looked on, eyes and mouth wide open, wincing with silent laughter. She had always wanted to do that.
“You don’t have any God damned right to treat my daughter that way, you selfish son of a bitch!” screamed Iris as she gave him a sharp kick with every word she stressed. “Do you have any f***ing concept at all what a woman goes through when she has a miscarriage?! Do you not know what it’s like for a woman to lose – lose – the f***ing baby she’s carrying?! Something that’s growing inside of her?! Shame on you, you piece of s***! All you can God damned think about is yourself, you f***ing a**hole!”
David writhed on the floor, moaning, yelping, and peeing on himself, trying to dodge the toe of his mother-in-law’s shoe as Roxanne looked on, turning red, putting her hand over her mouth to contain herself.
David sighed with pain and looked up at his mother-in-law. “Ms. Agnew,” he whimpered. “I’m sorry I…”
“Shut the f*** up,” she said, booting him in the side.
Maximilian Hayes, Jr. walked into the entrance hall. “Excuse me, Miss,” he said in an uneasy tone, knowing that it was in his best interest to keep a safe distance from the formidable woman who was pummeling one of his best agents. Iris, with heavy breaths, paused and turned to him.
“If you don’t leave right now, I will call the police and have you arrested,” said Mr. Hayes. Iris turned away from Mr. Hayes and gave David another kick.
“Miss,” said Mr. Hayes, taking a deep breath, “just go. Please. Now.”
“Right,” said Iris, spitting on David and walking to the front door. Just before she left, she turned to David one last time, pointed her finger at him and said, “You’d better f***ing apologize to her or I’ll see you in the ground!”
“Goodbye, Miss,” said Mr. Hayes, growing exasperated. He watched her leave and walked over to where David lay, then stooped down, giving David a solicitous look. “Are you O.K., David?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” said David, sighing, moaning and putting his hand up. “I’ll handle it.” He gasped some more and started to seethe. That lousy bitch! I ought to sue her… On second thought, no… why should I let everyone know I got my ass kicked by a sixty-year-old woman?
Mr. Hayes nodded, stood back up and walked out of the entrance hall. Right after he left, Roxanne collapsed in loud, hysterical mirth, throwing her head back, clutching her ribs and wiping her eyes as she shook from head to toe. “Oh, my God,” she said with a sigh, fighting to catch her breath.
“Just shut up, Roxy,” said David. “It’s not fu… uh, uh, uuuurrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!! Uuurrrggghhhh!!!!” Liquefied chicken stromboli gushed out of David’s mouth onto the carpet and splashed against the sleeve of his blazer.
Roxanne laughed some more, sticking out her tongue and curling her lips in disgust. She picked up the phone at the front desk. “Hi, Uncle Charlie,” she said. “I need you to get Linda over to reception as soon as possible, please. Great. Thanks. Bye.” She hung up the phone, fetched her cigarettes and walked to the front door, still laughing.
Linda, the cleaning lady came in and saw David slowly getting up. She scowled at the array of stains on the carpet – tea, urine, vomit and a little bit of blood. “God damn it,” she said clucking her tongue and giving David a dirty look. “I just cleaned this carpet.”
“Sorry,” said David in a weak voice as he limped toward the front door, unable to look her in the eye.
*****
After David went home to clean himself up, he drove to Atticus Bookstore. “Oh my God, David,” said Grace with wide-eyed shock as David staggered up to the counter, one arm wrapped around his midsection, one eye black and swollen shut, his upper lip swollen, a big red splatter- shaped burn on his face and neck. She knew what had happened, but it distressed her nonetheless to see her husband in such a state.
David propped himself up on the counter with a sigh and a pained expression. “I see your mother took a pretty dim view of the way I reacted to the whole miscarriage situation,” he said.
Roberta gritted her teeth, snorted, and put her hand over her mouth as she turned beet red. “I think I’ll go downstairs and revise the art section,” she said, struggling to restrain her amusement.
“O.K., Roberta,” said Grace.
Roberta hurried downstairs and died laughing, snorting at odd intervals. “God, that’s not very nice,” said David, hurt that she derived joy from his misfortune. Grace shrugged. Although she said nothing, she believed that Roberta was somewhat entitled to laugh at David, considering how rude David had been to her.
“Anyway,” said David with a sigh, “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I really am and I have the bruises to prove it. I don’t know what more you want from me, Grace. I was stupid.” Grace gave an expressionless nod, unable to agree more and looked into her husband’s eyes, still not saying a word.
“Please, Grace,” he said. “Look at me…” He swallowed back a sob, knowing it would be just tragic if she did not forgive him. Not only did he feel terrible for what he had done, but he had to cancel on a client in order to go see her. That was especially difficult for him, since he never liked losing money.
“Well,” said Grace, “Let’s just…” She sighed, willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, figuring that there was nothing he could not have learned after being kicked around by her mother. She looked into his eyes once more, and realized she indeed missed him and still could never bring herself to let him go, no matter what. “Aw, the hell with it,” she said. “Just please try to be more understanding in the future, would you please?”
“I will, Grace. I promise.”
“All right, David, I forgive you,” said Grace. She leaned down and gave him a kiss on the lips.
David limped downstairs and went over to Roberta as she organized the books on the shelf of the art section. “I just want to tell you that I’m sorry about the way I acted,” he said.
Roberta hiccupped, snickered and shook her head. “All right, David,” she said with a curt voice without even looking at him. “Whatever. That’s nice of you.”
“Good,” said David. “Can I get you a glass of water?”
“No, thank you,” she said. She hiccupped again and took a deep breath, wishing he would leave her alone so she could get back to work.
“O.K.,” said David. “I guess I’ll see you around.”
“Bye,” she said.
David hobbled back upstairs and over to the bookstore counter. “Are you coming home tonight, Grace?” he said.
“Yeah,” said Grace. “But tonight’s movie night, so I’ll be back a little late.”
“All right. I’ll see you then.”
Grace put her arms around David. “I love you, David,” said Grace.
“I love you too, Grace,” said David, tears of remorse running down his cheek. He wiped his eyes, dragged himself out of the bookstore and headed home, glad that everything was back to normal. Hopefully it would be… for a while…