by Aisha Abdelhamid
At 19, I became engaged to my childhood sweetheart, following him from California to Virginia, but the engagement didn’t survive the transplant. Unwilling to return home, I worked in a hotel restaurant for room and board. He was 27, living in the hotel after touring as a crew member with Van Halen, a famous Rock&Roll band. He romanced me with excitement, affection and Southern charm. When he wrote a letter thanking my parents for me, I married him gratefully.
Twenty years later, after our divorce, I resumed thinking rationally. My husband had quickly, mysteriously, become an angry man, impossible to please. I attached paper to a cabinet door, writing everything he demanded, hoping to avoid his wrath. He undermined my confidence, constantly making demands and rarely offering praise. He withheld his affection also, emotionally punishing me for any mistake. His temper was so irrational and explosive, after a few years I became emotionally comatose to avoid confrontations. I turned myself into a robot, not speaking, not thinking, just doing whatever he wanted. In retrospect, I understand my coma became my cocoon.
I’m a very religious person and, at that time, believed I was obligated to obey him. I woke him every morning, an impossible demand requiring an hour of jostling until he woke angrily. I put his socks on him, because he demanded it after once doing it as a favor when his back hurt. I laid out his clothes, made his lunch, and had his wallet, watch and cap waiting beside his breakfast every workday morning.
Kneeling before him, I tied the work boots on his feet after he ate, regardless of his physical and/or sexual abuse of me the night before, returning home late, drunk and angry as usual. I never left home without him knowing exactly how long I would take, nor without him calling home at that moment, ensuring my return. I was there, but my sanity was missing. However, thank God, nothing lasts forever. A perfect storm began blowing with my first child’s birth.
My husband’s demands didn’t decrease with my daughter’s arrival, piling new responsibilities upon my struggling shoulders. Whenever I asked for help he blew up, screaming at me all my faults and adding ‘lazy’ and ‘bad mother’ to the list. It took another child and five more years, but the eye of the storm finally passed over our house one weekend, dropping my husband at death’s door with a terrible fever. Weakly agreeing to go to the hospital, he was instantly admitted and soon in intensive care.
He survived the deadly virus, and finally was released home. For a full year, my husband quit drinking, and we enjoyed a family membership at the YMCA. We attended church together, and our five-year old led him down the aisle for a father-daughter baptism. But the eye of a storm can only last so long. The church refused to baptize my daughter, saying she couldn’t read, so she couldn’t take the required class. He refused baptism without her. Another crisis opened in my life, searching church after church, only to receive the same rejection. Even the Christian school my children attended refused to baptize her at that age.
Maybe the stress became unbearable, or he just missed his drinking pals. But the 12 month lull in my husband’s emotional fury seduced me into forgetting past horrors, and returning home drunk again, the new fury my husband released on me was terribly shocking. He began screaming alarmingly at his five-year old daughter and two-year old son. I was already furious about the church disregarding my children, and when he attacked my babies I became unglued, shocked at my own fury which I unleashed upon him, nose to nose, and volume set on ‘stun!’
For the first time ever, I challenged my husband, incredulously earning a gleam of respect in his eyes. After this, I released my self-control, rising to every confrontation by fearlessly screaming back. He continued coming home drunk and abusive. I demanded a divorce. He responded by taking me out to dinner, romancing me like we were dating. He offered me alcohol, believing we’d have more fun drunk. I refused and countered with a request for couple’s therapy. Surprisingly, he agreed to go.
The therapist loved him instantly, believing I exaggerated my husband’s drinking problem. She announced I was Codependent and responsible for his bad behavior. At church, the preacher said divorce is wrong, just go home and pray. So, I went home and prayed. And God answered my prayers! I got online, searching for my own answers, and I found Islam. I hadn’t changed overnight, nor easily, but suddenly a light entered my cocoon and illuminated my new wings! I cancelled my therapy appointments, and my subscription to the Christian Church. Then I filed for divorce.
My husband moved back to our old house, fortunately, after I furnished it with everything he needed. I did this purposely so he wouldn’t return. It was a good strategy, immediately reducing our contact. Had I known about the “No Contact” strategy, it would’ve been better. He soon began stalking us, terrorizing us with violent, drunken rages. Once, tailgating me dangerously, I successfully evaded him by calling 911. The operator guided me to the nearest police station, where awaiting policemen surrounded my husband’s car and took him into custody.
I became friends online with a Muslim girl in Kosovo who was interested in my story. We corresponded for months, exploring what went wrong and why. It was excellent therapy! She taught me Islamic principles and verses of Quran, as they applied in our conversations. Her country spiraled into chaos and we lost touch, but she successfully passed the torch of Islam to me, and I was blessed to meet my new husband-to-be online shortly after converting.
Now I stay home and pray five times a day, and that’s the best Christian advice I ever received in my life! In fact, I’m sure it saved my life. Islam offers a balanced lifestyle with rights and responsibilities and boundary lines for every soul. I obviously needed that! After marrying in Egypt, we moved to South Carolina, enforcing a total “No Contact” policy with my ex-husband. My new marriage is incredibly peaceful, we enjoy performing our daily prayers together, and individually practice spiritual meditation every morning. My husband’s a true gentleman and a loving provider, faithfully observing his religion’s rules for the rewards and blessings of God. We are each other’s best friend, and our love is truly a miracle!
Islam gave me a lifestyle transcending my weakness in front of male domination. Please don’t let Western media propagandize you regarding the ‘enslavement’ of Muslim women. There’s no religion and no race of man with a corner on that market. The oppression of women by narcissistic men is a disease affecting the entire human race, everywhere on Earth. Thankfully, I now have a husband who never takes advantage of me. This should be our first red flag: Nothing good comes from a person who takes advantage of another. Seek equality! Run fast and far away from unfair treatment!
My transformation may be different from others, but it shares common successful points: Detach. Find someone to confide in. Don’t be afraid to call the police. Spend time healing your soul, by identifying your happy buttons and push them. Pamper your bruised emotions with soothing, relaxing activities like prayer or meditation. Find clear guidelines to restore equilibrium in your life, and follow them.
I highly recommend Kim Saeed’s excellent website, http://letmereach.com, for assisting anyone escaping narcissistic abuse. I’m very grateful for her excellent support, because I gained so much understanding and emotional closure by reading her helpful and insightful articles. Please extend her efforts by sharing her website with others. Sadly, the one in need is usually isolated from reaching out, but she’s usually right in front of us.
About the Author:
Aisha (formerly Kathleen) Abdelhamid is a retired Computer Engineer with the U.S. Dept. of Defense, where she worked as an Interactive Multimedia Training Author and Graphic Artist. Her latest work published in this field was commissioned by the U.S. Congress as mandatory training for all new enlistees of all branches of U.S. Military, entitled, “Personal Financial Management,” hosted by Mr. Ronnie Lott, former NFL football star.
In her personal life, Aisha is an American woman who flushed twenty years of marriage to a mean, drunk, ‘wasp’ (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) in favor of an incredibly loving Egyptian Muslim man she met online. They married in Egypt after 50 days of correspondence, and less than 24 hours after their first meeting. She’s using her binders of printed emails as posts on her website,”Aisha’s Oasis.” (http://aishasoasis.wordpress.com) Readers are invited to relive her story, and enjoy the whirlwind excitement of an internet romance that went right. Very right!
Filed under: Guest Writers, Narcissism, Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Tagged: Abusive Relationship, Awareness, Domestic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Enlightenment, Islam, Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, Narcissistic Partner, Overcoming Fear, Personal Growth, Positive Change, Relationships, Surviving Narcissistic Abuse 
