Do you remember what it felt like to be in the fourth grade or about 10 years old?
Who did you think you were inside?
What did you think a friend was?
What examples of dependability (or lack thereof) did you have?
Who did you think you would grow up to be?
Could you imagine what your life as an adult would look like?
And did it?
Why?
Yesterday I was listening to a podcast on the current Mercury Retrograde in (mainly) Aquarius. One of the questions posed was,”What things have been showing up in your life since the shadow period started (about January 20th) that are clues to what your retrograde theme is?”
There were many things, not all of them good, but the pervasive feel I have had is one of excitement. Things are going to change. Big surprises. Big changes.
The other question was,”Have you always felt different, and how do you move through life knowing this?”
Upon reflection, the theme of being different has shown up in interesting ways lately.
I remember when I was an elementary school kid I felt good about what made me different. My perception was that I was a Teacher’s Pet (antiquated thought, that!). I was smart. My family was similar to everyone else’s family. School work was fun to do, like a puzzle, and nothing made my brain hurt. There was nothing I couldn’t do. I had roller skates and a bike and a ball. I had friends, a group of four of us. I lived on street where all of the kids and their siblings played together. My parents had friends and parties and I got to listen in to what all of the adults were saying sometimes (always fascinating). I visited grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and listened to the family intrigue with interest. There was lots of discussion and I took it all in like a sponge. Life was good.
Then there were events that weren’t so good, but they led to something better. In middle school I got attacked in the hallway by people I didn’t know, but that led to me being moved from public school to private school. It was a girls’ school and they provided an education and experiences that were superior to my college and graduate school education. I got exposure, knowledge, and insight into an entirely new world out of the deal and it was fantastic.
All of this time I had people asking me questions. Academic questions, “Why is one breast bigger than the other one?” questions – ALL kinds of questions on any topic – and if I look back on it I would say that for some reason people saw me as someone they could tell their secrets to and someone who could be relied on to act as a counselor and someone who would automatically know the answer to their problems or be able to get it.
When I hit high school I started to meet people who were brilliant. I could not hold a candle to their abilities. This didn’t bother me because I came from a base where I already knew I was useful to most. That meant that if I could source the insights from these newfound brains, I could learn something and use it to help everyone else.
And I did.
People never stopped coming to me.
When I started this blog I found a broader audience of people around the world who were seeking help and answers.
Each time I was able to shed light on what was bothering them and the light bulb went off in their head, I imagined that I was sending them off into their world so they could expand their mission (whatever that happened to be) and do good with it.
I was standing by on the sidelines watching them take off.
I knew I was doing my own work because out of all of the people in the world, these particular people were sent to me for a reason, by the universe, and the universe also sent me all of the resources I needed to help them.
Some people asked one simple question and went on their merry way.
Some people hung around for months or years and I got to watch them evolve, stepping in only when they seemed to need me and asked a question.
I don’t really advance my energy unasked, and I don’t suppose I have the answer to everything. I just suppose that I will get the help I need to help others when and if they come along.
In the last few years I have come to realize that it’s been Spirit that makes these connections and calls me to service. Most people in my life don’t believe in that, but I have been sent a few supporters who get it and do believe. Some of them are you.
I had to learn that I am ready, willing and able to simply show who and what I am (or perceive myself to be) on a case by case basis, as needed, and I didn’t go through much of that whole “coming out” process some intuitives do because I cleared who I was with the couple of people who I cared what they thought (my husband, my Dad) and it simply never occurred to me to care what anyone else thought.
I am very “live and let live” and I know not everyone is scheduled to consciously “wake up” and entertain spirituality in any way this lifetime. It never crossed my mind that I should force my opinions, ideas or beliefs on another soul. I guess I would have made a bad Jehovah’s Witness because no one is sending me door to door. I simply write what I write, show up in life at work and within the family and in the community as myself, and if anyone should need a word of advice or an idea, they are pretty much going to have to ask for it to get anything out of me.
But – and this is a big BUT – I never felt particularly connected, either. I did feel like a bit of an island. An introvert who becomes very extroverted, excited and chatty on a rare occasion (when a subject of interest comes up). There are a lot of people who love me but there are plenty more who do not like me at all. Sometimes I get kind of offended by that, because I don’t force myself on anyone and although I can be kind of annoyingly set in my opinions, I rarely offer them unasked. Like, never. I did notice that sometimes someone would come up with something and report it back to me like the recent comment a relative made to my husband:
I don’t like her because she insulted me.
How did she insult you?
I don’t remember what she said, but she was disrespectful.
Well, you haven’t seen her for fifteen years, and I don’t remember anything happening the other day?
No, this was back then and I don’t remember what it was but I remember she said something and I am not forgiving her for it.
Huh.
I don’t remember being rude or disrespectful to this person, and I had almost no contact with them, but either they are remembering a different annoying relative and pinning it on me, or they just felt like they didn’t like me and choose to remember it as something I said.
My intuitive pal posted a meme that said:
Not everyone is going to want, accept or know how to receive your energy. Make peace with that and keep on.
So when the Mercury Retrograde podcast mentioned being different, my mind went whirling back to being ten and in the fourth grade.
The idea that the time to have our quirky selves fully show up is here, and that not only is it a good thing, it’s part of a Calling, is kind of thrilling. It reminds me of when I was doing that math back in the fourth grade and all of the puzzle pieces fit, the equation balanced, and I was having a good time doing it, concentrating on the task.
You mean, there was a purpose to all of this scapegoating? The time is coming (it’s here) and we are being called into action? This was scheduled by the universe and we are part of it? Learning to simply be yourself in the world – no easy task – was actually part of a Calling?
Well I got up from my seat and fairly cheered. At least in my mind, I did. Suddenly, everything got exciting.