Today on the Moms Make it Work series, we have Farrah who is a long-time reader of this blog. She emailed offering to post as a 'older first-time mom' after this was mentioned on Instagram and I loved reading her take on being a new mom at the age of 35. Plus, she's a local Milwaukee girl and has a great sense of humor about motherhood so what's not to love? My favorite part was her description of the classic Starbucks and/or/within Target combination, and the fact that her family has traditional 1950s roles but she 'almost never' vacuums in high-heels and pearls. Yes. Love it. Enjoy!
Hello everyone! My name is Farrah and I’m excited to be the representative for older first-time moms for the Moms Make it Work series. I am 37 years old, and my husband Andy recently turned 44. We got married in May of 2011, and became first-time parents in November of 2012 at ages 35 and 42, respectively. I retired from the insurance industry before becoming a stay-at-home mom, and my husband is a mobile architect. We live one mile west of Milwaukee County with our son Luke.
My 36th birthday - my first as a mom!
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?
I always loved writing, so in high school, I took as many English classes as I could. Two a day during my junior and senior years, to be exact. I took nearly every class the English department offered and found myself on a first name basis with the teachers (kidding). When the time came to decide what I wanted to do after graduation, the only thing that came to mind was getting an English degree. However, while I got good grades, I didn’t exactly enjoy school, and way back in 1995, about the only job option for someone with an English degree was to become an English teacher. Choosing to spend the rest of my life in a school seemed like career purgatory. So, much to the dismay of my teachers and guidance counselors, I decided to forgo college.
In the fall, as my friends began their college careers, I went to work full time in the records department of a large insurance company in downtown Milwaukee. It was a crash course in the real world. One of the things I remember most was trying to build a professional work wardrobe at age 18 - opaque tights with skirts became by uniform. But despite my lack of fashion sense, I excelled at my job because it was everything school wasn’t. My boss took notice and after only four months, I was promoted to a Commercial Lines Rater. I loved my new position, and my new rate of pay (hello lunch hours spent buying clothes at the Gap at Grand Avenue mall).
My fashion sense remained questionable while I underwent approximately six months of on-the-job training for my new position. After a year and a half of rating everything from commercial property to worker’s comp, I decided I should pursue an education since I didn’t want to work in the insurance industry forever (this will later come back to haunt me). But in 1997, the options for obtaining a college education were still mostly traditional, i.e., full time days in the classroom, so I quit my job, and enrolled in MATC as a Commercial Art major.
It took me about 2.2 seconds to realize this was not the major for me. Turns out, I was going to have to draw, something I have zero aptitude for. Perhaps I should have researched the major before giving up a good paying full time job? Anyway, I promptly switched to Liberal Arts until I could figure out what I wanted to do, and decided art supplies would make excellent Christmas gifts that year (kidding again). After two semesters, I settled on Marketing Communications. I enjoyed my classes, however, the program had low enrollment, so my classes kept getting dropped (annoying). I wanted to graduate someday, so I switched majors one last time to Business Mid-Management.
Not long after partying like it was 1999 (because it finally was), I spent my winter break doing data entry at a small specialty insurance company in Wauwatosa run by one of my former bosses from my insurance company job (dress code: jeans and hoodies). When the spring semester started, I stayed on part time doing whatever work they could find for me. After about a year, I landed in the claims department. I continued to add hours to my schedule, and by the time I was ready to graduate, I had received a few raises as well. I was earning more than my degree would have paid me elsewhere, so I decided to stay.
For the next several years, I continued working in the claims department, processing and eventually adjusting equipment maintenance claims for the credit union industry. I attended MATC in the evenings to complete a Marketing Specialist Certificate so I wouldn’t waste all of the credits I earned as a Marketing Communications major. Soon after that, I entered the 10th Annual Say Good Night to Illiteracy contest sponsored by Half Price Books, and the poem I submitted was chosen for publication! It was printed in a book, along with 19 other winners, and sold in Half Price Books locations all around the country.
In early 2007, I joined the Greenfield Jaycees with the sole intention of meeting new people. However, being a Jaycee became so much more. I got involved in various community projects right away, gaining both new friends and self-confidence along the way. My chapter presented me with an award for Jaycee of the Year at our annual installation and awards banquet that December. I like to think being a Jaycee helped me get a promotion in the fall of 2008. And unbeknownst to me at the time, but I would soon be meeting my future spouse (indirectly) through the Jaycees.
I took a week of vacation before starting my new position as a Product Functional Specialist. During my vacation, I attended a housewarming party for one of my Jaycee friends. When I returned from getting a drink, there was a guy sitting in my lawn chair (the invitation made it very clear to bring your own). I politely told my friend someone was in my chair, and with arms akimbo, she told Andy to move. Andy then moved over one seat (to yet someone else’s lawn chair) and proceeded to chat me up. He recruited me to be on his team for a game of bags. Before he left, he touched my lower back. I felt tingles up my spine. He told me he’d be back at 8 o’clock. When he hadn’t returned by 9 o’clock, I went home.
The day we met
Our mutual friend invited me out a few weeks later, and Andy was there. We exchanged numbers, but he didn’t call. We all hung out again on Halloween. This time, he texted me the next day. Despite having just finished reading The Rules, I agreed to go on a date the same evening. All of my stalkinggathering information finally paid off – we began dating!
Waterfalls Tour - Marinette County
A little over a year later, we went shopping on Black Friday and bought a label maker at Office Depot for $10. We took it with us to a bar that evening to be silly. My boyfriend handed me a label that read “Will You Marry Me?”, and I said what any normal warm-blooded 32-year-old female would say – “Who’s this for?”
Engagement Day - Mo's Irish Pub
Now that we were engaged, I officially moved into Andy’s house, but wedding planning took a back seat for a while. Andy’s house was for sale and I was studying for my Wisconsin Property & Casualty license for work. I passed my exam on the first try, and we proceeded to look at 43 houses before finally finding our house on Super Bowl Sunday, one day after Andy accepted an offer on his house.
With all of that out of the way, it was wedding planning game on! I became obsessed with a certain white dress (it had feathers) that was not carried by any bridal boutique within the Milwaukee or Chicagoland areas. I did locate it at a boutique in Minnesota, and seriously considered taking a road trip to see it. After the fiancé questioned my sanity nixed that idea, I mail ordered it, sight unseen, from a boutique in Florida. I finally had my say yes to the dress moment months later when it was delivered to my office. I also became a crafting fool - it’s probably a blessing Pinterest did not yet exist. I insisted, among other things, on making my own wedding invitations. This may or may not be the reason I started drinking beer. Anywho, on May 14, 2011, we were married at Holy Apostles in New Berlin. Our reception was at the Knights of Columbus in West Allis – the same venue Andy’s parents used nearly fifty years earlier!
See - feathers! Not so great on a rainy day...
(Photo Credit: Jessica Quist Photography)
We returned from our honeymoon in Hawaii to begin our happily ever after. One month later, I learned the company I worked for had been sold. As a result, I gained more responsibilities, but no additional income. My benefits were also reduced. So after eleven and a half years of working at the same place, I quit. Since we could afford to do so financially, I took some much needed time off and enjoyed being a housewife (apron not included).
Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park
A few months later, just as I was beginning to think about returning to the workforce, I got a positive pregnancy test. I had just turned 35 years old, so my pregnancy was considered advanced maternal age. I was in good health at the time (I was about one month into training for my first half marathon – oops!), so I didn’t fret too much about it. Other than being super tired for the entire first trimester, I had a relatively easy pregnancy. I had four ultrasounds, and I didn’t mind the extra sneak peeks of my baby boy one bit.
Age began to play a factor when I wasn’t going into labor on my own. My original due date, November 4, 2012, came and went. So, at 40w5d I was admitted to the hospital for an induction. Twenty-six hours later, I was still only 8 centimeters. I was hungry! I was tired! I was angry - I was too old for this bullsh*t! I begged my doctor to perform a C-section, and my wish was granted. Luke was finally born on November 10, 2012, weighing 8lbs, 15oz.
The night before being induced (40w4d)
It's a boy!
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the challenges?
The best part about being a stay-at-home mom is spending everyday with my son. I love being there for every milestone (and capturing it on my iPhone). Now that he’s a little older, I truly enjoy his company - toddlers are so much fun!
Since we started our family so much later in life, our finances are stable, and we don’t really need my income to stay afloat. My husband always knew he wanted his future wife to raise his future children, so he planned and sacrificed accordingly. We lived below our means before having children anyway, so we didn’t have to make many adjustments when Luke was born.
I don’t feel like I left a career behind, so I don’t worry about what my industry will be like when I return because I don’t plan on returning. I keep up with my continuing education requirements for my insurance license because I believe it’s better to be safe than sorry, and the time and financial requirements to do so are minimal.
The hardest part for me is balance, or the lack there of. While I make a point to get out of the house most days, I still feel like I’m home all of the time. Obviously, I’m busy all day, but I often feel like I didn’t do anything. I can’t begin to hold a candle to how much all y’all working moms get done during the day!
Sleep deprivation is brutal in your late thirties. Our son didn’t sleep through the night from age 6 to 15 months. Since I don’t work outside of the home, I shouldered most of the burden of his nightly waking’s during this time. While I was thankful I didn’t have to get in my car and drive to work after getting such little sleep, I was basically a zombie trying to care for another human being.
Age-related health concerns top the list of challenges we’ll face when we decide to add to our family. While I got pregnant easily the first time, we know that may not be the case next time. I will be advanced maternal age again, and I think the potential risk factors are more scary at 38 or 39 than they were at 35. Also, after failing to progress with my first labor, I know I will be facing another C-section and the recovery that goes along with having one.
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
My mom stayed home with me when I was little, so I had a good idea what being a stay-at-home mom looked like. However, that was back in the late 1970’s - my mom made my clothes and cooked from scratch. That, combined with today’s Pinterest, and I definitely feel pressure to be more domestic than I am. I own a Hello Kitty sewing machine (although it’s still in the box) and I prepare meals with help from pre-packaged items. When my son’s first birthday rolled around, I felt like I had to make ALL THE THINGS on Pinterest. I ended up making some of the things, and I kept my sanity (mostly) intact.
Since I am close to my mom, I always pictured myself with a girl of my own. So, when I found out I was having a boy, I cried was shocked. I have since fully embraced being a boy mom and I couldn’t imagine my life any other way. When my son does something like drive his cars on the walls, I find myself marveling at how he is such a boy and I absolutely love it. I will admit, however, living with two males has caused me to hoard anything pink lest no one forgets a female lives under this roof also.
I certainly didn’t expect I would enjoy being a mom as much as I do. I always knew I wanted a family, but I never thought too much about what that would actually feel like. I struggled to adjust to motherhood after my son was born thanks to the longest case of colic ever in the history of ever. It sounds harsh, but if I could forget the first six months of his life, I would. Thankfully, colic is long gone (but not forgotten), and I’ve learned to accept that my son will probably always be a high-needs child to some extent.
All moms give up “me time” when they have children, but when you have a child later in life, I think it’s an even greater shock to the system. I had enjoyed unbridled “me time” for nearly 18 years by the time my son was born. So while it was an adjustment, I also feel like I took enough shopping trips, watched enough TV, and read enough magazines to last a lifetime. It helps to remember that early childhood is a season, and it’s a short one – kind of like spring in Wisconsin!
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
It is for us. We follow traditional gender roles. My husband works outside of the house, handles our finances, and tends to the yard work. I handle the child care, cooking, and cleaning. As much as I sometimes feel like a 1950’s housewife, I can assure you I almost never wear high heels and pearls to vacuum.
First Easter
Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current setup staying put for the long haul?
We hope to add one more member to our family in the next year or two. I don’t anticipate ever working full time again, but working part time once our kids are in school would be nice. I look forward to being able to attend field trips with my children, which is ironic since I hated going on field trips when I was in school.
Tips on how you make your situation work for you
We have a lot of help. My mom is retired (a perk of being older first-time parents is our parents are also older) and she has been an invaluable resource for us. When our son had colic, we found ourselves needing more help than we ever could have anticipated. She was the calming influence our son needed, and her near-daily visits gave us a chance to catch our breath because we were mentally exhausted. My mom still comes over almost every day for a few hours to play with Luke, which gives me a chance to do things like exercise, go grocery shopping, or start dinner. We like to joke that some people have a nanny; we have a nana!
Buddies!
Getting out of the house every day is essential to my sanity. Now that Luke only takes one nap a day, we do something every morning. Some days are scheduled activities, like story time at the library or music class. Other days we run errands, usually Target or Starbucks, or Target and Starbucks, or if we’re feeling really crazy, Starbucks in Target. We also have play dates, go to the park, or just walk around the mall.
Target
Starbucks
Saturday mornings are family time. It doesn’t matter what we do, as long as we are spending time together. In the summer, that may mean going to our farmer’s market, the zoo, or exploring a new park. In the winter, we might go to the mall, the library, or play in the snow.
I'm glad Luke inherited his father's fashion sense
Having a sense of humor is extremely important. I am not a patient person by nature, but most days would be really awful if every time my son did something naughty I got upset about it. So when my son draws on the walls with his crayons, I don’t get angry, I get a Magic Eraser. Then I laugh because I did the same thing as a kid, and they didn’t make Magic Erasers back then (sorry Mom!).
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice?
Since I always knew when we had children I would stay home to raise them, I didn’t struggle with this decision. I would say this – if you don’t have a job you love, and you have any inkling that you want to stay home, find a way! Cancel the cable, grocery shop at Aldi, brew your own Starbucks, dye your own hair (older moms have lots of grays!), get your Coach fix at the factory outlet, sell your full-price Coach on eBay. I don’t have to do any of these things, but I do most of them because I feel it is how I can contribute positively to our household’s bottom line without contributing a paycheck. While my husband has a well-paying job, I am the queen of finding a cheaper alternative for almost anything.
How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family?
I plan, shop, and cook the majority of the meals in our house. Meal planning is an absolute necessity for us after one too many “what-do-you-want-to-eat-I-don’t-know-what-do-you-want-to-eat” nights. With a hungry toddler in the house who eats most of the same things we eat, it’s more important than ever. I do major grocery shopping every 10-14 days, and I keep a well-stocked pantry worthy of a feature on an extreme couponing show. Much to my chagrin, I do most of our shopping at Pick ‘n Save (double coupons!), but I also pick up other items as needed at Target, Aldi, and Sendik’s. I usually plan all of our meals for the week on Sunday, and record them on our menu board. I try to keep my meal planning flexible, so if we don't feel like spaghetti on Tuesday, we can have spaghetti on Wednesday instead. I also keep a picture of each week's meal board on my phone so when it feels like we just had spaghetti, I can see if we did in fact just have spaghetti.
The pantry!
I cook about six days a week. I don't actually like to cook, but I get some sense of satisfaction from providing a reasonably healthy meal for my family. I follow the protein + starch + vegetable formula for most of our meals, and I have about a dozen meals I cook on a regular basis. I try to make one new recipe a month – sometimes it’s a one hit wonder, others get added to our regular meal rotation. During the winter months, I usually cook something in the crock-pot on Sundays, and serve the leftovers on Monday. We always have ingredients on hand to make spaghetti.
I'm starting to think we eat spaghetti too often
We usually get takeout one night a week. Our usual suspects are Crossroads Pizza (they deliver), Noodles and Company, and Wendy’s. We don’t really love Wendy’s, but at a mile and a half, it is the closest fast food restaurant to our house. I've eaten more food from Wendy's in the past four years than I did the first 33 years of my life. Junior bacon cheeseburger (no mayo) and value fries, anyone?
You're doing it wrong
How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while the kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule?
Being home means I want my house clean ALL OF THE TIME. In reality, being home means my house is clean approximately NONE OF THE TIME. I have a cleaning schedule that I loosely follow. I try to tackle one task after my son is in bed for the night, but if I don't get to it, I either just skip it until the following week, or I might double-up my tasks the next night, especially if it's not a night my husband and I watch a TV show together.
Before my son gets up in the morning, my goal is to make the bed, empty the dishwasher, and start a load or fold a load of laundry. I do straighten during the day while my son is awake – I don't want him to think elves clean our house when we're not looking. When my husband takes our son upstairs after dinner to begin the bedtime routine, I clean the kitchen (put away any leftovers, load the dishwasher, make the coffee for the next day, wipe off the table), take out the trash, and put toys away.
Ugh - the toys. I wish I could contain the toys to the living room (i.e., Luke's unofficial playroom), but I want my son to have free reign of the house, so they tend to migrate to the family room, kitchen, and dining room. This makes me a little twitchy throughout the day, especially since my son's favorite thing to do right now appears to be dumping out baskets of toys and then moving on to something else.
ALL THE TOYS!
Concerns from older moms
One of Julia’s readers (hi Allison!) wanted to know how others perceived older first-time moms. I happen to look young for my age (good genes and clean living - HA!), so I have received no negative feedback whatsoever. All of my cousins had at least one child when they were 35+, so for my family it’s kind of normal. My husband and I wonder what it will be like when our son is in school as we will likely be some of, if not the oldest parents (we’ll be 53 and 60 when our son graduates from high school). People are living longer – I think it’s a natural progression for people to become first-time parents later in life.
Thanks Julia for putting together this motley crew of moms and for letting me be a part of it!
{Thanks, Farrah! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}