Andrea is posting for our series today, and she is another one of my real-life friends that I met through this blog many moons ago (six years!). Although I secretly still want her to be a Physical Therapist someday (and it's wild to think that she shadowed me at my hospital job well before we were both moms!), I realize that going back to school for so long would be nearly impossible right now. And besides, I selfishly love that Andrea is a fantastic photographer because our walls are adorned with more of A's prints than I can even count. So here is Andrea's take on being a small business owner and a SAHM. Enjoy!
Hey guys! My name is Andrea and I'm the slacker blogger over at In Her Shoes and Through Her Lens. You can also find me on Instagram as mrsandreateresa. I've been enjoying Julia's Moms Who Make It Work series and really looking forward to sharing my experience as a SAHM and small business owner. You may not know it but there's a good chance you already know who I am if you've been a long time follower of Julia's blog. I own my photography business (Andrea Weiss Photography) and have been Julia's family photographer well before Truman's birth. I met Julia through blogging and she has been one of my friends who has tremendously supported my business from the beginning.
A little about me - In July 2006, I married my firefighter hubby, Jim. In 2010, we welcomed our son, Eli (3) and seventeen months later in October of 2011, our daughter Gabriella (2) was born. Growing a small business while raising these two kiddos has been quite the challenge but I'm very thankful for my situation and hope I can shed some light on my specific arrangement.
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you?
I suppose I should start at the very beginning so that everything makes sense. Going through many mini meltdowns in my 20's concerning my career had me so confused and frustrated but looking back on my life I can see how the puzzle came together. Growing up my mom and I used to sit and daydream about businesses to start. We would come up with interesting concepts for boutiques and try to create the most unique names for a coffee house. At the time I thought it was all fun and games but looking back I already had the desire to create a business for myself. I also distinctly remember at a very young age already hating the same old day to day routine. When I was in first grade I recall standing in line to head to my reading class and thinking "So, I'm going to do this at the same time every day, day after day after day?" This memory came back to me recently and I was shocked that a six year old could even register such an idea but I believe it just goes to show somewhere deep inside of me I have a hard time following the day to day regimen put on me by someone else.
In high school I had no doubt in my mind I wanted to go into physical therapy. When I was a Senior I applied and was accepted into a direct admin physical therapy program at a small local college. That meant that I was already on track to get my bachelor's degree in 4 years and step directly into the master's program without applying. I was on my way to become a physical therapist in 6 years and looking back I wish I took this privilege/security more seriously. However, before my first semester ended I already despised the college I went to. It was entirely too small for my taste and since I was commuting from home, I was itching to get out on my own. I decided to apply to the University of Wisconsin Madison and found myself at orientation the following summer. At that time I was unsure if I really wanted to continue with the PT track. It's not that I didn't want to become a therapist, it's just that I wanted to see what else was out there. I REALLY wish I would have soul searched a little more as that might have saved me from a lot of heartache and confusion in the future but at the time I was a naive 20 year old who was more concerned with the type of dorm I was going to live in. I attended the business school orientation and when it was time for me to talk to an advisor, I literally scanned the list of majors and thought "Eh, marketing looks good." And that's the story on how I ended up becoming a business major. My main train of thought was business was so broad that I could decide what I wanted to do later on. Why worry about it now?
I sailed through college, getting all A's but severely lacking interest in what I was learning. Again, I wish I would have savored the college experience and really focused on something that inspired me. The only time my ears perked up in my business classes was when we covered the entrepreneur section. I swear I was probably doodling in my notebook and sprung my head up when the professor started talking about starting a business. I remember him saying businesses were started every day and thinking "Really?!?! I want in on that." He also said many of them fail but I choose to ignore that part.
After college I moved back home. I was already dating Jim and was itching to move back to Milwaukee so I could patiently wait for my proposal. I looked for jobs and everything was so blah to me. I quickly landed a job working for a benefit outsourcing company in their COBRA department. I wasn't using my marketing knowledge but it was a good job with decent starting pay. I still remember my first day when I was shown my cubicle. Fear/dread/sadness clutched my stomach as I took in the tiny corner that was to be mine 8 hours a day. I was not happy. But after the initial shock I actually began to flourish at this job. The department was pretty new and all of us had to become certified in COBRA law. I studied on my own at home, took the exam and passed with flying colors before anyone else on my team. I was the last girl hired and the first to get certified, already making my mark as the overachiever I've always been. Looking back the actual job wasn't bad. I loved my co-workers and we had a blast all day. I was quickly given responsibility and moving up in my own department. But things took a turn for the worse quickly as the company started growing and the daily demands were just too much. I would wake up at 3 am thinking about all the work on my desk. By 5 am I was up and showered and already headed to work because I just could not sleep knowing so much had to be done. Many of my co-workers felt the same and it quickly became apparent to us that this was a company that cared more about their financial growth and less about their employees. About a year into the job, I was worn out, frustrated and ready to look for a position that had a marketing focus.
I'll spare you the awful details of my next job. I was hired to be part of the marketing team at a local credit union. That in and of itself sounded awesome except I was to take charge of a smaller piece of the pie and focus on expanding our business to business relations. Which was total crap since our credit union was open to the public. I had nothing unique to sell to these people. I hated my boss. I hated my co-workers. It was the worst year of my life. I'm pretty sure I read the entire Internet during that stint. Moving on.
After all of this, I finally thought I landed my dream job. I was hired as an assistant buyer for a moderately sized retail chain (I'm assuming most of you have shopped there in your lifetime). At the time Jim and I had just purchased our first house and were about to get married. I remember thinking "This has to work. I have big responsibilities now!" The job was manageable for quite some time. But after a few months I was expected to start making big decisions and I felt I was severely lacking in training. I wanted so bad to succeed in this job but found myself unmotivated by the lack of mentoring and care from those above me. I went from a straight A student, boss pleasing employee to one who was tongue tied in meeting and getting bad - really bad - performance reviews. I didn't know who I was anymore. I came home and cried a lot dreading waking up for work the next morning. I lived only for the weekends and hating every second of Monday through Friday. Jim and I finally decided enough was enough and this had to end. Something had to change. I researched businesses to start and looked into going back to school. I put a lot of thought into physical therapy and after a ton of torturous soul searching I decided to quit the corporate rat race (and never ever, evereverever, look back) and pursue PT once again. I had about a year's worth of prerequisites to do before applying to the 3 year Doctorate program but another 4 years of school looked SO MUCH better than a lifetime withering away in an office.
At the end of my summer semester of pre-requisites, I found out I was pregnant with Eli. Even though the road ahead looked a little rocky, Jim and I both figured I'd just go to school with a newborn. It would be difficult but I certainly wouldn't be the first person to attempt such a feat. I finished my pre-requisites before Eli was born so by the time I had applied to the PT program he was already in his first year of life and and I was fully submerged in the SAHM role without even planning on it. A huge part of me really wanted to continue on with our plan but somewhere deep down I remember dreading leaving my baby for school. I loved the day to day with him and I knew going back to school full time was going to be very difficult for me. I finally got my answer from the school I applied to. I didn't get in. I was shocked but not sad. Instead of seeing the PT door close completely, I saw it simply as a delay in our plans. And I got more time with my boy! Deep down I was pretty happy with the outcome. A few days later, I got the biggest surprise of my life. I was pregnant with our daughter! In the blink of an eye, PT school became more and more out of our reach. And I was totally okay with that.
In the background while all this was happening, I was also enjoying my newfound love for photography. I bought my first DSLR shortly after got married because I “wanted to take pretty pictures like photographers”. I laugh because now that I'm on the other side of things I know it's not that easy. In my free time I found myself submerged in everything photography related. I would literally stare at my computer screen for hours wondering how photographers got their pictures so crisp/colorful/dramatic and would read everything I could on photography. I took night classes to learn the basics of my camera and subscribed to every free newsletter I could get my hands on. I'm lucky in that I never had to go through the growing pains of starting a business. Things fell into my lap with friends asking for pictures and my name being spread around. I definitely wasn't actively growing my business and yet it was. I became a legit business a few years ago and now I'm my own boss. I pay taxes. I bring in an income while staying home with my kiddos. I don't sit in a cubicle. No one tells me I only get "x" weeks of vacation a year. I work when my kids nap (or when Netflix becomes my babysitter). I stress when I'm making dinner knowing emails are unanswered. I have all the freedom in the world and yet none at the same time. I truly love where I am.
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the biggest challenges?
Hands down the best part of my situation is that I get to be home with my kids every single day. I never put much thought into what was best for my kids but now that I'm a SAHM, I feel that I was put in this situation because it was the path meant for our family. I know moms who work feel a sense of accomplishment and for me I strangely feel that way when I put fresh sheets on the beds or make an elaborately healthy meal. I somehow find myself more "complete" when I go to bed at night knowing I took care of every physical and emotional need of my family that day. I also really enjoy doing things my way so being in total charge of what my kids eat, watch on TV or simply what they are exposed to is right up my alley. Despite the temper tantrums, messy house and general mommy burn out, I can't imagine being anywhere else than with Eli and Gabriella full time.
The luxury of our slow paced, lazy mornings are not lost on me even after all these years. My kids do not have a set wake up time so they can sleep as long as they want (although it's rarely after 7 am). We're able to cuddle extra long in bed together, take our time with breakfast and there's never really a rush to clean up and get out of the house. The few instances when I do have to get myself and the kids ready for an early morning, I really think I might lose my mind. As someone terrified of rigid schedules I love how our days can unfold as we see fit. Some days we sit in our pi's until dinner time and others we get out the door by 8 am for a class at church or a play date. Some days we're exceptionally productive with chores and structured play and other days my kids get a little too much Netflix time while I work. You throw in a husband who has a strange work schedule and not one week looks the same over here. Jim and I joke that we don't know what Monday "feels" like anymore. He's on a rotating schedule of 24 hours on followed by 48 hours off so we're just never on the same wavelength as so many other people. Once upon a time I used to virtually high five those Facebook statuses about it being Friday and now it's really not something I can relate to. While people are trekking to work on a Monday morning, Jim might be heading home from a shift ready to start 48 hours at home with us. Awesome, yes? But he could also have some overtime on weekends and be gone Saturday and Sunday so while everyone else is enjoying family time, I'm in the trenches alone with two kids looking forward to my "weekend".
Of course there's the obviously delirium that goes with being a SAHM. I don't think I've met one mom who seriously thought she wasn't going to lose her mind being home with kids all day long. I feel like they have demands every waking hour. At any given time of the day I'm pouring water, grabbing a snack or answering a million questions. I'll admit to having mornings where I give my kids one word answers because I'm just not ready to dive into the chaotic chatter they seem to have endless energy for. Sometime I run out of ideas to do with them (like right now….I'm about to kick some Winter 2014 ass) and feel the guilt of "Am I doing enough for them?" And then there's the stinkin' desire to just have some alone time. This past summer I took advantage of me time and carved out gym hours and girls' nights. They totally rejuvenated me but then again I had that guilt of being selfish. Sometimes it's a lose-lose situation but I feel every mom, regardless of if they work or stay at home, struggles with finding that perfect balance.
As a business owner, I love the freedom of being my own boss which is good and bad. I don't have anyone looking down on me but I also don't have that built in reinforcement when my motivation is gone. I absolutely LOVE that I can control my schedule. Want three weeks of vacation? Go for it. But I also tend to overbook myself when inquiries get crazy and I don't have the heart to turn anyone down. Even though I try to carve our work hours before my kids get up in the morning and during nap time, I know I don't put in the daily hours I should into my business. And it's incredibly hard to "turn off" my work brain in the evenings with my family. Sometimes when I know it will only take 5 minutes to write an email or 30 minutes to wrap up editing a session I'll sneak away but I really wish I could keep work to strict hours during the day. It's just so easy to pop into your office when it's at the top of your steps!
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
I honestly don't think I gave it much thought before having kids. As I mentioned above I was already on the path to a different career while pregnant so being a SAHM wasn't really in the front of my mind. I do recall working in corporate America though and thinking "I simply can't do this with kids." Every job I had held me to strict desk hours and at my last job I'd get home after 6 pm. I just knew being away from my babies that long was going to be torture. I sometimes think that if I held a job that I LOVED with a good work/family balance, I might have stayed in for the long haul. But unfortunately I never did and I think that inevitably steered me in the direction of staying home with my kids. With my "traditional" views on life though, I tend to believe I would have got to this point regardless. Being the sole caregiver of my kids is pretty important to me so I think even if I had a good career, I would have put it on the back burner to be with my kids while they were still young.
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
In all honesty, yes, this is exactly where I want to be. I can only recall one time in my entire stint as a SAHM where I wished I could go to a job for a few hours every day. But I know that was during a really dark, horrible moment with my cranky daughter. Besides that one moment, I have never desired to look for another job. Being my own boss is really just the best for me right now and the fact that I can be with my babies all day while bringing in an income is the best of both worlds to me.
I suppose if I had to change some things I wish I could alleviate the guilt that comes with thinking I have to do it all as a SAHM. Deep deep down I know I should recruit some help during the week so I can work, go to the gym and grocery shop alone but somehow I can't find it in my to pull the trigger. I know once I actually DO hire someone to come to the house and watch my kids for an hour or two I will feel a tremendous sense of relief but until then I'll just try to suck it up and deal. I admit this is one of my biggest struggles. I KNOW there's nothing wrong with asking for help but for some reason I'm having a hard time getting there.
Do you see yourself making a career change in the next 5-10 years, or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
Excellent question because I truly don't know. So many factors can change the course of our future. The biggest variable is what we will do for our kids' education. Up until a few years ago I NEVER would have considered homeschooling but it's been on my mind for quite some time now. If we decide to go this route, I obviously won't be able to pursue any sort of career and will probably keep my photography business on the side. However if we send our kids somewhere, we'd really like to stick to a Christian school and the cost of tuition can really add up! If my photography business continues to grow as it has, I can see myself really pushing the gas on my marketing and bringing in more money.
But there are brief moments when Jim and talk about what sort of work I would do if I HAD pursue something. If I have any say in the circumstances, I will NEVER go back to a desk job. At least one with limited human contact. I still think leaving the PT program in my early college days was a big mistake as I think it could have been the perfect fit for my personality and lifestyle so some health care jobs might be a good fit for me. I just don't want to head back to school for a long period of time so if I did pursue something, it have to be a degree I could complete in two years at the most. I guess the real answer to this question is stay tuned ;)
Tips on how you make this work for you?
I'm still learning things myself and can feel frazzled most of the time but I have discovered ways to alleviate the stress of being a SAHM/business owner. From a mom's point of view I think life can tend to get crazy when everyone's home all day. The house can become a mess, activities tend to blur into each other and the constant chatter can be mind numbing. Since my kids are old enough I've put more responsibility on their shoulders so everything doesn't fall on me. They have to take their dirty dishes to the sink after every meal and put their dirty clothes in their hamper. We have rules about cleaning up after one activity before moving to another. And my recent favorite is respecting the privacy of the person in the bathroom. It's a running joke among SAHMs that we never pee alone and for a long time I laughed at the sentiment because it was so true! But recently I realized that did not have to be the norm for us. I now lock the door when I use the bathroom realizing that my kids won't die if I leave them alone for 2 minutes, even if they are banging on the other side of the door. I also used to feel guilty about not sharing my food with my kids. They will ask to eat WHATEVER I'm eating, even after I already fed them, and I've gotten to the point of telling them no. We moms who give every waking moment to our kids shouldn't feel like we have to succumb to their every desire. Of course there are circumstances where we have to sacrifice everything but teaching our kids bathroom privacy or the fact that they can't have everything they want is still very important!
There are other pretty obvious things that I implement to make our day to day life a little easier. I meal plan so I only have to go to the grocery store once every 10 days. Jim and I record EVERYTHING on our calendars so we can both look at the week and know what to expect. I even scheduled time to write this post so he knew he'd have to watch the kids for a bit. When it's possible, I attempt to get the kids out for play dates or trips to the zoo or park. And I think it's really important to have a network of other SAHMs to bond with. Last winter I was part of a mom's group at church and we met every Wednesday and it was so refreshing, I never realized how much I needed it. We also started our own private Facebook group so we could keep in touch during the week and share our struggles. Being able to talk to other moms in the same boat can be a lifesaver when you're stuck in the trenches with your kids. It's good to know you're not alone.
As a business owner, I've had to implement some changes in order to make things less chaotic. I mentioned above that it's tempting to work "after hours" so I really do try to stick to working when my kids nap. Luckily they are down for 2-3 hours every afternoon so that's a huge bonus for me. When Jim's home I tend to work longer hours since he can take care of them but I still try to make the afternoons the time I tackle the majority of my work so I can get enough family time. I used to answer emails at every waking hour and now I answer them solely Monday through Friday during normal business hours so clients don't think they can reach me whenever they want. And now that my business has grown quite a bit I feel as though I can be a little more strict on when I'll shoot. For instance, I'll only do newborn sessions in the morning and I try to schedule my other sessions in the later afternoon. That way my family has some sort of schedule to go by and nothing is really a surprise.
Other moms have mentioned it as well but I truly believe having a husband who helps out tremendously is just priceless. I really don't think I could manage a business if he wasn't as available to our kids as much as he is now. I sometimes think if he had to work a regular Monday through Friday job, I wouldn't be able to even be my own boss without some sort of outside help. Keeping the line of communication open about schedules and events is really necessary for us to juggle all these aspects of our lives.
How do you handle mommy guilt that comes with each role?
Being a SAHM, I find guilt can creep in the strangest ways. I had and still do have a hard time with just knowing how blessed I am to be in this situation. I know some women would love to be in this position but simply can't afford it and at times I wonder why me? Why was I given this privilege?
Believe it or not I also feel tremendously guilty about our carefree days. When breakfast wraps up after 9 am I realize some moms have probably been at work for some time and I feel like a major slacker. It sounds silly just admitting that but I suppose I let some of the mommy war nonsense make its way into my head. I have been the direct recipient of some big time bashing about my role as a SAHM and it stung. One minute you feel like you're doing all you can for your kids and the next you're made to feel incompetent and lazy for not bringing in a substantial income. But my cousin said something so eye opening the other day. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with choosing a less chaotic way of life. No one said life had to comprise of hectic mornings, commutes, drops offs, meetings, etc. Just because I choose one way of life doesn't make me any less important or significant. I'm happy my kids get these years to wear pajamas until noon because they have their whole lives to stick to a stricter schedule.
I can also feel that guilt creeping in when I don't incorporate a lot of structured play time. There are days when I need to get a lot done like clean or grocery shopping and I feel bad making my kids entertain themselves or trek along. But I remind myself that being mom also means taking care of the household. We may not get to play much one day but they will have a good hearty meal on the table and that's just as important.
As a business owner and a SAHM, finding the balance can be incredibly difficult especially during my busy season. Thankfully my family understands and like I mentioned before, Jim is such a huge help during this time (and all the time actually). To combat this guilt I try my hardest to stick to clear boundaries and just recently Jim and I had a really productive discussion on the future of my business and we feel it's time to make some big changes. I've recently decided to be more rigid with my shooting hours and possibly outsource some things so I'm not stuck behind a computer so much. My favorite aspect of my job is shooting and working with clients so I'm happy to pass the torch on less desirable tasks to those who don't mind doing them. That way I get to focus on what I really love and spend more time with my family.
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying home is the right choice?
I can absolutely relate to the gripping fear of quitting a job to pursue something else. There's something so scary about saying good bye to that awesome paycheck even if you can afford it. I debated quitting my job to go back to school for way too long and in the end I realized pulling that trigger wasn't as bad as I had imagined. In fact it was kind of liberating. If there are any moms out there who think they want to stay home (and can afford it) but find themselves stuck on the Should-I-Shouldn't-I merry go round, I'd say this – Think of your life in 10 years and ask yourself what decision you might regret. Will you regret staying at your job and having less time with your kids? Or will you regret having that time with your babies but not making big strides in a career? Some women might realize they wouldn't find themselves in a place of regret if they stayed at their job and that's totally fine! But if there are some out there thinking they might regret not taking full advantage of the baby years, this fact might push you over the edge – by the time our kids are 5 years old, they are already more than 25% done with being under our care. That realization alone sucker punches me in the gut and when I'm having a REALLY bad day, I know this time with my kids is SO short compared to the grand scheme of life. Our children are not children forever but careers will always be around. I think SAHMs can certainly have it all – raise babies for a couple of years and then pursue something later on. When I have moments of wishing we had a little more money I just remind myself there's always time later on in life to make more. Being home with our kids is just a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme things.
I think advice on pursing a business is a completely different topic so I'll stop there but if anyone wants to email me about that, feel free – andreaweissphotography@yahoo.com
Thank you Julia for allowing me to be part of this series! I've enjoyed reading about the journey of other moms and I've loved sharing my perspective as a SAHM/small business owner. We're definitely all in this together doing the best we can for our children!
( Read all of this series here )