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Santa surely would regard this week’s top comment as … nice!
“If I am holding a pistol, ready to fire, and a large adult male approaches me to take my pistol, my first option will not be ‘somehow kick his head, even though it’s more than four feet above me, landing the kick so hard that my hat flies off.’ TL;DR: I have a lot of facial hair and am prepared to shoot Mark Trail center mass.” –Ed Dravecky
And there’s nothing naughty about these runners up!
“Doc Holliday? ‘List’ as an architectural term? Hoes? Billy is clearly a 70-year-old man trapped in a 7-year-old body, so if drawing atrocious puns can numb his anguish for just one Sunday, I say let him.” –Izzy
“Go ahead and mock FC’s terrible puns while you still can: Billy didn’t acquire a nuclear weapon to use as a lawn ornament.” –Nekrotzar
“That panel looks like the prelude to Heathcliff finally snapping and murdering the family. ‘Soon, cupcake. Soon it will be only us!’” –WCjobber
“The way that Ken is holding the slice of pizza in panel two suggests to me that he’s sliding it across his bearded face. Being a professional mugger interrupter, Ken knows that red smears around his mouth will strike fear into the hearts of New York City’s criminals. And and and, Mary really likes this pizza so it also ups the chances that she’ll rub her mouth near his mouth.” –Chareth Cutestory
“Having baited the fireplace with a cupcake and lit a fire, Heathcliff waits. Soon, it won’t matter who is or isn’t on the Naughty List.” –Robot Quasar
“Is there any way a New Yorker asks ‘how’s the pizza in X?’ that isn’t pompous and condescending? Is the next question going to be ‘How high is the architecturally necessary peak of the tallest building in Santa Royale?’” –Nekrotzar
“‘Food an’ drink’ seems about what you’d expect Loweezy to ask for (personally, I’d just be relieved it wasn’t ‘room an’ board’), but Elviney seems crestfallen, as though she expected the answer to be, ‘meaningful female companionship, an’ perhaps forbidden physical intimacy.’” –Doctor Handsome
“My going theory is that Santa is working up a Jughead-themed ventriloquist act and has had his elves build a tiny wooden vent figure called ‘Souphead’ to avoid copyright infringement lawsuits. (Jughaid v. Jughead is languishing in the courts after many decades of litigation.) You have to admit, this strip is written just like a ventriloquist act, with Santa dutifully feeding straight lines to a hideous little wise-cracking homunculus on his lap.” –Joe Blevins
“When I read this strip, I just assumed Santa had decided to start slinging insults at the kiddies. ‘Have you been a good boy all year, Souphead?’ ‘What would you like me to bring you, Numbnuts?’ ‘Hey, Snotbreath, did you see my reindeer parked outside?’” –Dr. Mabuse
Judge Parker: “I don’t know what to make of this strip. Half the time is seems to be nothing but rich people drinking wine and having differences of opinion over legal matters and literature, and then BAM! Suddenly we’re driving around in military-grade amour-plated cars. I had to look up what a 50 BMG was, and I’m dismayed to report that it’s a large cartridge for a heavy machine gun or a high-powered sniper rifle. Not that the Parkers have to know what that is, they just know that money means safety and security and they can leave the acronyms to the people throwing themselves in front of the machine-gun fire.” –pugfuggly
Luann: “I like to think the other girls talk to Luann only to confirm what college she’s going to, and then to make sure they don’t go to that college.” –S. Stout
“His newest elf will be named Jeffy, if by ‘Santa’ you mean the Malaysian textile manufacturer I’m selling you to.” –Voshkod
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This post originally appeared as "Metapost: Ho ho co(tw)" on The Comics Curmudgeon, which is the best blog on the Internet.