Script:
← Older revision
Revision as of 17:07, June 17, 2014
(3 intermediate revisions by one user not shown)
Line 28:
Line 28:
Jon: Naw! I've got an even better idea.
Jon: Naw! I've got an even better idea.
−
Released in 1987 by Epyx as a follow-up to the Winter and Summer Games series, California Games was mad to capture and emulate the rhythms of the sun-bleached Pacific coast. First up, traffic on the 405 freeway! HA! Epyx figured, "Why leave the comfort and shade of your own home to play in the hot summer sun?" Skating, surfing, BMX, and more, baby! This game had it all. Surf's up, dude! ... First up, the Half-Pipe. Ah, the Hollywood sign. That's how you know they're not foolin'. This is a real deal California skatepark. The game just kinda throws you right in, no tutorial or breakdown on how the mechanics work. Frankly, I'm not getting anywhere by standing up here, time to dive right in! ... I have the feeling this is foreshadowing. I don't know what I'm doing, he just falls over every time and the skateboard just hits him in the head. Then it gives me cryptic hints on the bottom of the screen like, "Too late for kick turn." Well, how about you just teach me the turn first and we'll add the kick later. Because I can't even switch directions, he just sorta weeble-wobbles and then falls. Every now and then, when I pull off a move, it gives me random points. Stuff like 156 skull and cross bones or 105 water balloon? At least you could give it to me in some terminology that makes sense like coconut 56, now there's something a sensible person could understand. Oh, oh oh oh, I got it! I'm gettin' it! Aw, I'm not getting it. Let's move on to Foot Bag. Foot... Bag. Well, that's my favorite Cali sport, I don't know about you.
+
Released in 1987 by Epyx as a follow-up to the Winter and Summer Games series, California Games was mad to capture and emulate the rhythms of the sun-bleached Pacific coast. First up, traffic on the 405 freeway! HA! Epyx figured, "Why leave the comfort and shade of your own home to play in the hot summer sun?" Skating, surfing, BMX, and more, baby! This game had it all. Surf's up, dude! ... First up, the Half-Pipe. Ah, the Hollywood sign. That's how you know they're not foolin'. This is a real deal California skatepark. The game just kinda throws you right in, no tutorial or breakdown on how the mechanics work. Frankly, I'm not getting anywhere by standing up here, time to dive right in! ... I have the feeling this is foreshadowing. I don't know what I'm doing, he just falls over every time and the skateboard just hits him in the head. Then it gives me cryptic hints on the bottom of the screen like, "Too late for kick turn." Well, how about you just teach me the turn first and we'll add the kick later. Because I can't even switch directions, he just sorta weeble-wobbles and then falls. Every now and then, when I pull off a move, it gives me random points. Stuff like 156 skull and cross bones or 105 water balloon? At least you could give it to me in some terminology that makes sense like coconut 56, now there's something a sensible person could understand. Oh, oh oh oh, I got it! I'm gettin' it! Aw, I'm not getting it. Let's move on to Foot Bag. Foot... Bag. Well, that's my favorite Cali sport, I don't know about you. What are you like a street hock? ... Hey, you, uh, got somewhere to be? Um, I'll get outta your hair. I'll go if I'm disturbing you, I mean, I can take a hint. Naw, go on, it's fine, I got a couple waves I can ride. Now, I don't know who they were trying to fool here, but they shoulda called this what it really is: River Dance practice. ... Oh, it's just, it's just hackey-sack. This is not called Foot Bag, it's called hackey-sack! Anywhere! Is that supposed to be the Golden Gate Bridge back there? Yeah, I know it's not actually gold, but it seems like it might have a case of the seasonal depression. And is that Alcatraz Island? Oh, man, I mean, when I'm thinking of the beauty and majesty of California, the first thing- the first thing I think of are the maximum security correctional facilities. Gotta see it! You can actually knock down this bird, that's pretty fun. Come on, get him! Get him! Yeah!
+
+
Jacques: Wow. I'm right here.
+
+
Jon: Yeah? Well, tell me what you're gonna do if I hold you like an ice cream cone.
+
+
Jacques: I'm gonna squirm a little but not much.
+
+
Jon: Yeah, that's what I thought.
+
+
Alright! Next event: Surfing. Let's ride those waves.
+
+
[0.2]
+
+
It's like I'm really there. This one's a bit unintuitive at first. You die instantly unless you push left on the controller right away. You press left and right to turn your guy, and I guess you're trying to get as many jumps as possible before the wave comes and gets you. If you don't come down at the same angle you came up, you'll fall behind the wave. It always cracks me up. See you later! Also, sometimes when you wipeout, a shark comes up and is like, "Hello there!" That is the cutest goddamn shark I've ever seen, I love him and he's mine now. Overall, though, there's not much to this one. Next one is skating! Cool, like skateboarding? Oh, no, they mean rollerskating. ... Ha ha ha ha! Oh my god, come on! Really? This girl falls over everything! Cracks in the cement, tiny tuffs of grass in the sidewalk, sand particles... Oh, she made it over the chalk on the floor, gotta be honest, I didn't expect her to clear that one. They should give this game to sick patients 'cause I haven't had a laugh this good in a long time. Honey, I think maybe you should keep your day job. Okay, BMX, something we all understand. Please, let this one be good, I mean, we've all ridden a bike before. ... Okay, except for this guy! Oh! Oh! Oh, almost lost gravity there, Kenevil Jr., that was a close one. Oh my god, I can't play literally a single one of these games. They're impossible to control, they're impossible to understand, I can't go 5 feet without eating shit. Yeah, not to mention, the game literally mocks you by giving you colorful commentary throughout. "Dorky", also, possibly dead, call an ambulance! "Try slowing down." Oh yeah? Well, I got one for you! How 'bout you try hiring a real programmer! That'll get us over a few of this hurdles! Imma clap like a horse!
+
+
[NEXT EVENT: FLYING DISK]
+
+
Frisbee! I don't even know how to play this, what is this? Don't screw it up. Don't screw it up. ... It's a perfect 10. It's a bit bizarre. You control both characters here, the one throwing the disk and the one catching it. So this is a game where you play catch with yourself? Hey, guys, chances are if I'm playing this in the 80s, I'm probably already a fat nerdy kid in his basement alone without friends. You tryin' to drive the point home or something? I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. Oh no, I didn't get it. So there you have it. Those were the games. I mean, it seems to me that this is a perfect accurate simulation of California sportery... IF YOU SUCK!
+
+
But luckily for us, they made a California Games 2. Let's see if they've since honed their programming skills.
+
+
[CALIFORNIA GAMES II]
+
+
You guys, um... you, uh, you guys alright? ... Is someone, is someone behind me? "Let's drop in on a grommet."? Oh, grommet! I used to say it all the time! You couldn't stop me from saying this word! Grommet this, grommet that! DAFUCK DOES GROMMET MEAN?! California Games 2 gives you a slew of new sports to play. First up is hangliding. ... So majestic. ... Oh shit! You alright? Good god, how violent. You wouldn't expect that from this game. It turns out what you have to do is watch to wind sock so you don't catch the wind in the wrong direction and fling yourself into a rocky doom. Come one, ah! Almost! ... Hahaha. I guess you're supposed to drop these water balloons onto the targets but I haven't been very good at it so far. ... Oh, alright there's no more targets over here. I'm glad they gave me silence so I can just sit here and contemplate the inevitable- oh! There I go. Let's pick the go holding what looks to be a surfboard. Oh! It's a helicopter game. OK? What is going on here? Well, as you can see here, they honed in on all the crucial California landmarks. Well, you got Hollywood Mount Everest back there, you got the San Francisco Bay area 10 miles away, and d- uh, d-dinosaur? You know, the Los Angeles Dinosaur. The famous Los Angeles Dinosaur. I can't quite land this thing- Oh! That's no good. ... Uh, excuse me, is thr point of this thing to fly a helicopter to the top of a mountain and chill with a hot babe? ... Well, I can't really fault anyone here, this is perfect game design. What you're really supposed to do is drop yourself off at the top of this slope and start snowboarding down. This is California Games? Why am I snowboarding with a view of both the desert and the Golden Gate Bridge? Both in the same view. From a snow- from a mountain- a snowy mountain. Uh, somethings telling me they didn't do their research here. Except for the dinosaur because, like I was saying, that really was spot-on. After a while you get out of the snow and hit the grass so it's actually like you're going down a mountain. It's kinda interesting, honestly. Then you get to a snowboard half-pipe and this time you can actually control it, which is cool. It's too bad they didn't figure out how to program a clock yet, though, 'cause that would've been really helpful. But they're gettin' close! Waveracing is waveracing. It's pretty cool for DOS but pretty basic. Not much to say about this one. Next up is bodyboarding, I guess.
==Trivia==
==Trivia==