To know the road ahead, ask those coming back. – Chinese Proverb
TODAY – SEPTEMBER 9th – FRIDAY
253rd day of 2016 with 113 days to follow. Moon in first quarter with 51% visible.
Holidays for Today:
~ California Admission Day
~ National “I Love Food” Day
~ National Steak Au Poivre Day
~ Teddy Bear Day
~ Wienerschnitzel Day
~ Wonderful Weirdos Day
~ National Honey Month
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
1828 Leo Tolstoy, Russia, author (War and Peace, Anna Karenina)
1890 Colonel Harland Sanders, Henryville, Indiana, colonel/CEO (Kentucky Fried Chicken)
1899 Neil Hamilton, Lynn, Massachusetts, actor (Commissioner Gordon on the Batman TV series of the 1960s)
1899 Bruno E. Jacob, Valders, Wisconsin, Founder of the National Forensic League
1903 Phyllis A. Whitney, Yokohama, Japan, American mystery author (The Mystery of the Hidden Hand, The Mystery of the Haunted Pool, Domino, Silversword, The Singing Stones)
1919 Jimmy “the Greek” Snyder, Steubenville, Ohio, bookmaker and sports commentator
1920 Robert Wood Johnson III, New Brunswick, New Jersey, philanthropist (president and chairman of Johnson & Johnson)
1925 Cliff Robertson, La Jolla, California, actor (Charly, Spiderman, spokesman for AT&T for 10 years)
1923 Daniel Carleton Gajdusek, Yonkers, New York, virologist (Nobel / Prion)
1941 Otis Redding, Dawson, Georgia, singer / songwriter (Try a Little Tenderness, Sittin’ On the Dock of Bay)
1941 Dennis Ritchie, Bronxville, New York, computer scientist (developed C language, work with Multics & Unix)
1951 Tom Wopat, Loda, Wisconsin, actor and singer (Luke-Dukes of Hazzard, Cybill, Django Unchained)
1952 Angela Cartwright, England, actress (The Sound of Music, Make Room for Daddy, Lost in Space, Make Room for Granddaddy), photographer
1954 Jeffrey Combs, actor (Weyoun, Brunt / ST: DS9; Shran, Krem / ST Enterprise, Transformers Prime TV series, Suburban Gothic)
1966 Adam Sandler, Brooklyn, New York, actor and comedian (Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy, Mr. Deeds, Grown Ups, Pixels, Hotel Transylvania, The Ridiculous 6)
1980 Michelle Williams, Kalispell, Montana, actress (Brokeback Mountain, Wendy and Lucy, Blue Valentine, Shutter Island, Certain Women)
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
It is better to wear out than to rust out. – Bishop Richard Cumberland
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:
1543 Mary Stuart, at nine months old, is crowned “Queen of Scots” in the central Scottish town of Stirling.
1739 Stono Rebellion, the largest slave uprising in Britain’s mainland North American colonies prior to the American Revolution, erupts near Charleston, South Carolina.
1776 The Continental Congress officially names its new union of sovereign states the United States.
1791 Washington, D.C., the capital of the United States, is named after President George Washington.
1830 Charles Durant, 1st US aeronaut, flies a balloon from Castle Garden, NYC to Perth Amboy, NJ
1839 John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph.
1850 California is admitted as the thirty-first U.S. state.
1850 The Compromise of 1850 strips Texas of a third of its claimed territory (now parts of Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, and Wyoming) in return for the U.S. federal government assuming $10 million of Texas’s pre-annexation debt.
1926 The U.S. National Broadcasting Company is formed.
1940 George Stibitz pioneers the first remote operation of a computer.
1942 Japanese floatplane drops bomb on Mount Emily Oregon during WWII, first bombing on American soil.
1956 Elvis Presley appears on The Ed Sullivan Show for the first time.
1965 The United States Department of Housing and Urban Development is established.
1965 Hurricane Betsy makes its second landfall near New Orleans, Louisiana, leaving 76 dead and $1.42 billion ($10–12 billion in 2005 dollars) in damages, becoming the first hurricane to top $1 billion in unadjusted damages.
1966 The National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act is signed into law by U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson.
1971 1,000 convicts seize Attica, NY prison, the start of a 4-day riot which eventually results in 39 dead, most killed by state troopers retaking the prison.
2015 At around 17:30 BST, Elizabeth II became the longest reigning monarch of the United Kingdom.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
GOLDEN OLDIE… There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The idiot says, ‘That was a karate chop from Korea.’
The little guy thinks ‘GEEZ,’ but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, ‘That was a judo chop from Japan.’ So the little guy has had enough of this.
He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ‘When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.’
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction worker. They get into a conversation and the man asks him what he would do if he only had 5 minutes to live.
”Well, I haven’t lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I’d kiss anything that moves,” he answered. ”What would you do?”
”I’d stand perfectly still.”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
ONE-LINERS:Problem solving quotes . . .
~ There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
~ I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
~ Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
~. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
~. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
~ I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t looking good either.
~ Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
~ Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
~ Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
~ I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
~ Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ‘Where the heck is the ceiling?!’
~ My Reality Check bounced.
~ Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
~ On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
~ I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
~ You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
~ Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, ‘Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?’ The trembling monkey says, ‘You are, mighty lion! ‘
Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, ‘Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?’ The terrified wildebeest stammers, ‘Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!’
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, ‘Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?’ Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away. The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, ‘Geez, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so torqued off!
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
pic of the day: Mountain Lion
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.
He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge’s eyes. “You’re a schoolteacher, eh?” he said. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: “The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published.”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* A lot of people were saying President Obama was snubbed by China when they didn’t have the stairs ready for him to get off the plane. In fact, Donald Trump said that if that ever happened to him, he’d just close the plane doors and leave the country. Every other country was like, “That’s all we have to do? Thank you. That’s perfect!” – Jimmy Fallon
* Did you see Donald Trump dancing at the gospel church? Donald Trump, as part of his new initiative to woo African-American voters, visited the Great Faith Ministries Church in Detroit. He said he was there to listen. I don’t know what he was listening to but based on his dancing, it clearly wasn’t music. – Jimmy Kimmel
* Apple is supposed to unveil the latest iPhone tomorrow, which will reportedly do away with the traditional headphone jack. And this is convenient, the included ear buds will come “pre-lost.” – Seth Meyers
* One of the big revelations of this latest email dump is that Secretary Clinton didn’t use just one smartphone in office as she originally claimed, she used up to 13 different mobile devices in four years. Madam Secretary, tell the truth. Are you a crack dealer? Because I can’t figure out why else you would need 13 phones. – Stephen Colbert
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
Dewey dragged himself into his doctor’s office one day looking very exhausted. “Doctor,” he said, “there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep!”
“I have good news for you, Dewey,” the doctor said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that were just approved. They work like a dream. Just a few of these and your troubles will be over.”
“Great,” said Dewey, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
The doctor gave him the pills. Dewey thanked him and left.
Two weeks later, Dewey came back to the doctor’s office looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than ever!” Dewey exclaimed.
“I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered Dewey wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it’s really hard getting him to swallow the pill!”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
TODAY IN TRIVIA: Which seahorse carries the embryo? The male seahorse, not the female, carries the embryo of the species. The female fills the male’s brooch pouch with eggs, which remain in the swollen sac for a gestation period of eight to ten days.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir. Mighty scarce.” -Mark Twain
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . We cannot control the evil tongues of others; but a good life enables us to disregard them. – Cato the Elder