The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. – William James
TODAY – OCTOBER 18th – TUESDAY
292nd day of 2016 with 74 days to follow. Moon is waning with 92% visible.
Holidays for Today:
~ Alaska Day
~ National Chocolate Cupcake Day
~ No Beard Day
~ Persons Day in Canada
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
1893 Georges Ohsawa, Japanese founder of Macrobiotics
1897 Isabel Briggs Myers, American author (co-creator of personality test called Myers-Briggs Type Indicator)
1819 Camilla Williams, Danville, Virginia, operatic soprano (1st African American to contract with major American opera company – New York City Opera)
1926 Chuck Berry, St Louis, Missouri, rocker (Roll over Beethoven, Rock and Roll Music)
1927 George C. Scott, Wise, Virginia, actor ( Patton, Dr. Strangelove, The Changeling)
1935 Peter Boyle, Norristown, Pennsylvania, actor (Everybody Loves Raymond, Young Frankenstein, Tail Gunner Joe)
1939 Mike Ditka, Carnegie, Pennsylvania, football player (Chicago Bears, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys (1969–1972)), coach (Dallas Cowboys (Asst.), Chicago Bears, New Orleans Saints), and NFL commentator
1944 Katherine Kurtz, Coral Gables, Florida, sci-fi author (Series: Deryni, Adept, Tales of the Knights Templar)
1951 Pam Dawber, Detroit, Michigan, actress (Mork & Mindy, My Sister Sam, 101 Dalmatians: The Series)
1951 Terry McMillan, Port Huron, Michigan, author (Waiting to Exhale, How Stella Got Her Groove Back)
1954 Arliss Howard, Independence, Missouri, actor / director (Full Metal Jacket, Ruby, The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Medium, Rubicon, True Blood)
1956 Martina Navratilova, Czech American tennis player (won 18 Grand Slam titles, 31 major women’s doubles, 10 major mixed doubles, women’s singles at Wimbledon 9 times)
1960 Jean-Claude Van Damme, Brussels, Belgium, actor (Bloodsport, Universal Soldier, Kickboxer, No Retreat, Kung Fu Panda)
1962 Vincent Spano, Brooklyn, New York, actor ( The Double McGuffin, Texas Rangers, Nevermore)
1978 Wesley Jonathan, Los Angeles, California, actor (What I Like About You, The Soul Man)
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
A memory is a beautiful thing, it’s almost a desire that you miss. – Gustave Flaubert
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:
1648 Boston Shoemakers form first U.S. labor organization.
1767 Mason-Dixon line survey separating Maryland from Pennsylvania is completed.
1867 United States takes possession of Alaska after purchasing it from Russia for $7.2 million. Celebrated annually in the state as Alaska Day.
1898 United States takes possession of Puerto Rico.
1922 British Broadcasting Company formed.
1925 The Grand Ole Opry opens in Nashville, Tennessee.
1945 The USSR’s nuclear program receives plans for the United States plutonium bomb from Klaus Fuchs at the Los Alamos National Laboratory.
1955 New atomic subparticle called a negative proton (antiproton) was discovered at U.C. Berkeley.
1968 The U.S. Olympic Committee suspends Tommie Smith and John Carlos for giving a “black power” salute during a victory ceremony at the Mexico City games.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the ”Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a ”1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and ”screwdrivers.”
Sincerely,
I. Getscrewed Everyear
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
ONE-LINERS:You’ll never hear at a Star Trek Convention. . .
* “Hey, guys, how ’bout we finish this conversation over a beer at the topless bar?”
* “Jim Beam me up, Scotty.”
* “Oooh, Girlfriend — Just look at all these hunks! Set your phaser for ‘Love!'”
* “You’re nuts. Swimming is by far the hardest part of any Iron Man Triathalon.”
* “Kirk, Picard… what’s the difference, they’re both losers. I’ll take Will Robinson and Dr. Smith any day.”
* “I dunno, sometimes I wonder if the show was really deserving of all this attention.”
* “It’s pointless to compare the original crew to the Next Generation, since they’re only fictional characters anyway.”
* “Does this Star Fleet Academy uniform make me look fat?”
* “Will the owner of the red Porsche 911, license plate ‘STUDMFN’, please turn your headlights off?”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
George III, after having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over.
“What’s this?” said his majesty.
“The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,” was the answer.
“Take it back, take it back,” said the king, laughing; “it will do very well for the next horse you sell.”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
pic of the day: Old barn in West Virginia..
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
~Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.
~Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
A new Perfect Husband Shopping Center opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to find the perfect husband. It was laid out on five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended the floors. The only rule was that once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you go up a floor, you can’t go back down except to leave the store.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the store to find a man to marry. The first-floor sign reads: “These men have high-paying jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and say, “Well, that’s wonderful, but…” and wonder what’s on the next floor.
The second-floor sign reads: “These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.”
“Hmmmm,” say the girls. “Wonder what’s further up?”
The third-floor sign reads: “These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and will help with the housework.”
“Wow!!!” say the women. “Very tempting…. but there’s more further up!!!”
The fourth-floor sign reads: “These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, will help with the housework, and are great in bed.”
“Oh mercy me. But just think!!! What must be awaiting us further up?!” say the women. So up to the fifth floor they go.
The fifth-floor sign reads: “This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
GOLDEN OLDIE… As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!”
The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.
As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams, “Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!”
Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.
Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!”
The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.
Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* The TSA is cracking down on the so-called comfort animals, the ones people bring on the plane because they claim to be too nervous to fly alone. It can be any kind of pet: birds, monkeys, pigs, turkeys. Someone brought an alpaca on the plane. All you need is a note from a joke online doctor. You pay $75 and your pet is officially a comfort animal. It’s easier to get a horse on a plane than it is to get a bottle of mouthwash on a plane. – Jimmy Kimmel
* Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature today. Dylan was like, “This is the greatest honor I’ve ever received.” Or he might have said, “Misses gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell. – Seth Meyers
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
Tech-Support Logic . . . One of the company’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
TODAY IN TRIVIA: Did we cheat to declare war on Spain? When Spain declared war on the U.S. in 1898, the U.S. in turn declared war on Spain but backdated the declaration by three days so it would look more heroic to have declared war first.
~Which president was first in a car? Theodore Roosevelt was the first U.S. president to ride in an automobile.
~What were Joel’s last words? On his deathbed, writer Joel Chandler Harris (1856-1931), creator of the “Uncle Remus” stories, was asked whether he was feeling better. His last words were, “I am about the extent of a tenth of a gnat’s eyebrow better.”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: 8.The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . Part of the reason [motherly advice] bugs us as daughters is because our mothers are so powerful in our lives. They loom like giants. The reason mothers keep at it is because they’re so powerless. They cannot get you to do what is so obvious to them you should do. – Deborah Tannen