I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. – Abraham Lincoln
TODAY – MAY 25th – MONDAY
145th day of 2015 with 220 to follow. The moon is waxing. Morning stars are Neptune and Uranus. Evening stars are Jupiter Mars, Mercury, Saturn and Venus.
Holidays for Today:
*MEMORIAL DAY
*National Brown-Bag-It Day
*National Missing Children’s Day
*National Wine Day
*National Tap Dance Day
*Towel Day (in honor of author Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy))
*Geek Pride Day (promoting Geek culture, coincides with premiere of 1st Star Wars movie)
*Glorious 25th of May (Terry Pratchett’s Discworld fans)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
1803 Ralph Waldo Emerson, Boston, Massachusetts, essayist/philosopher (Concord Hymn)
1860 Daniel Moreau Barringer, Raleigh, North Carolina, mining engineer and geologist (identified Great Marringer Meteor Crater in Arizona as result of meteorite strike, instead of caused by volcanic activity as previously assumed)
1865 John Mott, Postville, Iowa, YMCA leader (Nobel Peace Prize for World Student Christian Organization)
1878 Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, Richmond, Virginia, tap dancer
1889 Igor I. Sikorsky, Russian-born U.S. aircraft designer (helicopter)
1926 Claude Akins, Nelson, Georgia, actor (B.J. & the Bear, Misadventures Sheriff Lobo, Return of the Seven)
1927 Robert Ludlum, New York, New York, spy novelist (Bourne Identity)
1929 Beverly Sills [Belle “Bubbles” Miriam Silverman], Brooklyn, New York, soprano
1936 Tom T. Hall, Olive Hill, Kentucky, country singer/writer (Harper Valley PTA)
1938 Raymond Carver, Clatskanie, Oregon, short story writer/poet
1939 Dixie Carter, McLemoresville, Tennessee, actress (Designing Women, Desperate Housewives)
1943 Leslie Uggams, New York, New York, singer/actress (Leslie Uggams Show, Roots)
1944 Frank Oz, English-born puppeteer and director (Yoda in Star Wars; Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Cookie Monster on Sesame Street)
1946 David Allen Hargrave, American fantasy and science fiction author (Arduin series), game designer, Army combat veteran (Vietnam/ combat photographer)
1963 Mike Myers, Canada, comedian (Saturday Night Live, Wayne’s World, Shrek)
1969 Anne Heche, Aurora, Ohio, actress (Another World, The Juror, Volcano, Six Days Seven Nights, Gracie’s Choice)
1993 Dilley sextuplets, Indianapolis, Indiana, United States’ first set of surviving sextuplets
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This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. – Elmer Davis
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:
1844 First news communicated by telegraph in the U.S. (80 miles, from Washington, D.C. to Baltimore Patriot in Maryland)
1865 In Mobile, Alabama, 300 are killed when an ordnance depot explodes.
1878 Gilbert and Sullivan’s comic opera H.M.S. Pinafore opens at the Opera Comique in London.
1935 Jesse Owens equals or breaks 6 world records in one hour.
1961 John F. Kennedy sets goal of putting a man on Moon before the end of decade (“I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the Moon and returning him safely to the Earth. No single space program in this period will be more impressive to mankind, or more important in the long-range exploration of space; and none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish.” )
1978 George Lucas’ film Star Wars, is released, and becomes an instant hit.
1983 “Return of the Jedi” (Star Wars 3) released.
1983 1st National Missing Children’s Day is proclaimed .
1985 Bangladesh is hit by a tropical cyclone and storm surge, which kills approximately 10,000 people.
1992 Jay Leno becomes permanent host of “The Tonight Show”.
1986 Hands Across America, a benefit event, takes place.
2001 Erik Weihenmayer, 32 and of Boulder, Colorado, becomes the first blind person to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
2001 Sherman Bull, of New Canaan, Connecticut, becomes the oldest person (64 years) to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
2008 NASA’s Phoenix lander lands in Green Valley region of Mars to search for environments suitable for water and microbial life.
2011 After a 25 year run, the last Oprah Winfrey show aired.
2012 The first commercial spacecraft, The Dragon, successfully rendezvoused with the International Space Station.
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For an art project the first grader handed in a blank sheet of paper. The teacher said, “What is this?”
“It’s a drawing of a cow eating grass.”
“Where’s the grass?”
“The cow ate all of it.”
“Then, where’s the cow?”
“The cow left because there was no more grass.”
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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was. I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could kill them and make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now …
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ONE-LINERS: How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
~ AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?
~ AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What light bulb, So? We can play in the dark.
~ AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just “try” to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
~ BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don’t change no stinking light bulbs!
~ BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?
~ BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he’ll rewire the house while he’s at it.
~ BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair…
~ BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.
~ CORGI: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!
~ DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat…no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I’ll do it……… No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez…do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by “the look”.)
~ DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.
~ DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting — perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
~ GERMAN SHEPHERD: “I’m kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I’ll add the light bulb to my “To Do” list…”
~ GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
~ or GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “I’ll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can’t we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee — and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you’re changing the light bulb yourself — you didn’t have to do that — but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that.”
~ GOOD OL’ SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh????
~ IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.
~ JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!
~ LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.
~ MALAMUTE: Let *him* do it. You can pet me while he’s busy.
~ PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb… I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB! Please???? Let go of the light bulb?????? Let go?
~ POMERANIANS don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they’re out.
~ POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.
~ PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No — on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
~ ROTTWEILER: I’ll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.
~ ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
~ SCHIPPERKE: It’s your light bulb — change it yourself. Unless… Is there food involved??
~ SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shibas aren’t afraid of the dark!
~ SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
~ STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out — then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.
~ WEIMARANER: What?? Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?
~ WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What’s it made of, what’s inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You’re not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I’ll change that light bulb!
~ CAT: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.
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One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, “Big Eric doesn’t pay”, and took his seat. Dave was only a little man and he didn’t really want to argue.
This happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?
So Dave went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn’t want to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.
Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.
At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. “Big Eric doesn’t pay”, he barked; but this time Dave was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, “Oh, yeah? And why doesn’t Big Eric pay?”
“Because Big Eric has got a bus pass”, the man replied.
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pic of the day: In Honor of Memorial Day
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Disaster in the laboratory: Scientists were working on an experiment trying to clone monkeys when one of the monkeys blew up.
The scientist are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus pieces.
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I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s sermon. What?!? …
Say that again. I’m … I’m *cured*?”
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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* I’m your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I want to thank you for watching this on your DVR after you watched Letterman. – Jimmy Fallon
* In about 34 minutes David Letterman is going to air his last episode. In 1993, I took over his iconic late-night show. I was a complete unknown with no experience performing on TV. I was totally unprepared for that enormous job. I don’t think that could happen today. I don’t think the government would allow it. – Conan O’Brien
* This week Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson got his handprints and footprints in cement outside Hollywood’s Chinese Theater. And this is the amazing part: The cement wasn’t even wet. – Seth Meyers
* Former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson posed naked in the shower for a campaign aimed at saving water in drought-stricken California. And as a bonus, it also reminded people to recycle plastic. – Seth Meyers
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I WAS ATTENDING Army ROTC basic training at Fort Knox, Ky., and at the rappelling tower I had to hook into a rope, lean off the edge and drop 60 feet. Terrified, I refused to continue.
Finally a colonel on the ground persuaded me to go for it. With eyes closed, I pushed off and landed safely. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” he said enthusiastically, ordering me back up.
I was on the verge of panic when I reached the top. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around to see the colonel behind me, nervous and pale. “I should have kept my mouth shut,” he muttered. “Now they want me to try it!”
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Coffee was always served at a our church after the service. One day, during children’s time, our pastor asked a young one if he knew why we had Coffee Hour.
Without hesitating, the young man replied, “Oh, yes. To wake people up after the sermon!”
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A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Jones,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
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QUIP OF THE DAY: It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . This country will not be a good place for any of us to live in unless we make it a good place for all of us to live in. – Theodore Roosevelt