I’ve learned never to be surprised if what must inevitably happen happens right now. – Robert Brault,
TODAY – MAY 3rd – TUESDAY
124th day of 2016 with 242 to follow. Moon is waning with 16% visible.
Holidays for Today:
*Lumpy Rug Day
*National Chocolate Custard Day
*National Raspberry Popover Day
*National Teachers Day (Tuesday of the first full week of May)
*World Press Freedom Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
1844 Wilbur Olin Atwater, Johnsburg, New York, developed agricultural chemistry, studied human nutrition and metabolism
1857 George Gore, Saccarappa, Maine, baseball player (center fielder, “Piano Legs”, records for stealing 7 bases and for collecting five extra-base hits)
1859 Andy Adams, Indiana, cowboy/ author of western fiction (Great Western Cattle Trail)
1903 Bing Crosby, Tacoma, Washington, singer / actor / golfer (White Christmas)
1906 Mary Astor, Quincy, Illinois, actress (The Maltese Falcon, The Great Lie)
1919 John Cullen Murphy, NYC, New, York, comic strip artist (Prince Valiant)
1921 Sugar Ray Robinson, Detroit, Michigan, boxer (world welterweight & middleweight titles)
1933 Alex Cord, Floral Park, New York, actor (Archangel/Airwolf; Mission Impossible; Genesis II)
1933 Steven Weinberg, New York City, New York, nuclear physicist (shared Nobel / electroweak theory)
1934 Frankie Valli, Newark, New Jersey, singer (The Four Seasons)
1946 Greg Gumbel, New Orleans, Louisana, sports broadcaster (CBS/ NFL & NCAA)
1948 Chris Mulkey, Viroqua, Wisconsin, actor (Cloverfield, Knight Rider, Wing Commander, Captain Phillips)
1952 Caitlin Clarke. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, actress (Crocodile Dundee, Dragonslayer; Titanic/Broadway)
1970 Bobby Cannavale, Union City, New Jersey, actor (The Bone Collector, Third Watch, Will & Grace, Boardwalk Empire, Nurse jackie, Ant-Man, Vinyl)
1975 Christina Hendricks, Knoxville, Tennessee, actress (Firefly, Kevin Hill, Mad Men, Hap and Leonard)
1980 Marcel Vigneron, Bainbridge Island, Washington, chef (runner-up 2nd season of Top Chef)
1984 Cheryl Burke, San Francisco, California, dancer (Dancing w/the Stars first champion 2-times consecutively, participated 18 seasons)
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The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. – Henry David Thoreau
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:
1802 Washington, D.C. is incorporated as a city.
1867 The Hudson’s Bay Company gives up all claims to Vancouver Island.
1901 The Great Fire of 1901 begins in Jacksonville, Florida.
1915 The poem In Flanders Fields is written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae.
1921 West Virginia imposes the first state sales tax.
1933 Nellie Tayloe Ross becomes the first woman to head the United States Mint.
1937 Gone with the Wind, a novel by Margaret Mitchell, wins the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.
1951 The Kentucky Derby is televised for the first time.
1952 Lieutenant Colonels Joseph O. Fletcher and William P. Benedict of the United States land a plane at the North Pole.
1957 Walter O’Malley, the owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers, agrees to move the team from Brooklyn, New York, to Los Angeles, California.
1973 The Sears Tower in Chicago is topped out as the world’s tallest building.
1978 The first unsolicited bulk commercial e-mail (which would later become known as “spam”) is sent by a Digital Equipment Corporation marketing representative to every ARPANET address on the west coast of the United States.
1987 A crash by Bobby Allison at the Talladega Superspeedway, Alabama fencing at the start-finish line would lead NASCAR to develop restrictor plate racing the following season both at Daytona International Speedway and Talladega.
2000 The sport of geocaching begins, with the first cache placed and the coordinates from a GPS posted on Usenet.
2003 New Hampshire’s famous Old Man of the Mountain collapses.
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A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point – he really never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn’t home.
“Well,” replied the saleswoman, “could I please wait for her?”
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, “May I know where your wife is?”
“She went to the cemetery,” he replied.
“And when is she returning?”
“I don’t really know,” he said. “She’s been there eleven years now.”
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A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor.”
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The fellow stormed into the postmaster’s office in a fury. “I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped.”
“Of course,” said the postmaster. “Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who’s sending them?”
“Yes,” shouted the man. “It’s those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service.”
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ONE-LINERS:
~The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
~The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
~The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
~The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
~The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
~The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
~There’s no future in time travel.
~There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
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A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that “If you shoot a deer, don’t let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it… it’s *their* deer!”
So… he’s in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby.
He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming… “It’s your deer, lady… It’s your deer… Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!”
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pic of the day: 1-Inch sized Toad Baby..
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
A young anthropologist came upon a tribe of Aborigines tossing spears into the air at small objects. As he drew closer, he recognized that the objects were silver dollars. The Aborigines’ aim was uncannily accurate. A game would go on for days before anyone missed.
As he watched he wondered if those who threw the spears could be as accurate with something smaller.
“Can you do as well with one of these?” he asked the chief, showing him a dime.
“I’m afraid that is out of my reach. “But perhaps my brother, who is also a skilled spearsman, can do it.”
As the anthropologist watched the chief turned and called to a man on the other side of the clearing: “Brother, can you spear a dime?”
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An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.
“You must mean the lift,” he said.
“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”
“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts”.
“Now you listen”, the American said rather irritated, “someone in America invented the elevator.”
“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”
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1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”
2nd Person: “A little. What’s wrong?”
1st Person: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”
2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?”
1st Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”
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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
*Yesterday, athletes from Team USA kicked off the countdown to the summer Olympics right here in Times Square. It got weird when Times Square Elmo said, “Psst, need some tips for passing your drug test?” – Jimmy Fallon
*A study found that one minute of intense exercise may have the same physical benefits as 45 minutes of moderate exercise. So finally, a study that vindicates my wedding night, ladies and gentlemen. – Conan O’Brien
*Yesterday Ted Cruz, the man mathematically eliminated from becoming president, picked his vice president. Cruz chose Carly Fiorina as his running mate: The first woman ever to lose the Republican nomination twice in three months. – James Corden
* Vice president Joe Biden made a surprise trip to Iraq this morning, and no one was more surprised than him. “Last time I use Expedia!” – Seth Meyers
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After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, “The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families.”
The Baptist preacher said, “We did better than that! We gained six new families.”
The Presbyterian pastor said, “Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!”
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When my son was in the Air Force, my wife and I visited quite often. On our first visit, we were allowed inside this top secret Communications Center, but everything in sight was covered up so we could look around everywhere — Heck, even the toilet paper in the Men’s room was disguised.
Anyway, at the exit, there’s a sign above the door, which reads: “You have been exposed to Top Secret Material. Please destroy yourself before leaving the building.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Should you pay attention to your parrot? Boredom can lead to madness in parrots. When caged by themselves and neglected for long periods of time, these intelligent, sociable birds can easily become mentally ill. Many inflict wounds upon themselves, develop strange tics, and rip out their own feathers. The birds need constant interaction, affection, and mental stimulation; some bird authorities have determined that some parrot breeds have the mental abilities of a 5-year-old human child. Should a neglected parrot go mad, there is little that can be done to restore it to normalcy. In England, there are “mental institutions” for such unfortunate creatures.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. – W.C. Fields
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain