Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. – Jonathan Kozol
TODAY – MARCh 21st – MONDAY
81st day of 2016 with 285 days to follow. Moon is waxing gibbous with 97% visible.
Holidays for Today:
*Credit Card Reduction Day
*Fragrance Day
*International Colour Day
*International Day of Forests
*National Crunchy Taco Day
*World Puppetry Day
*World Down Syndrome Day
*World Poetry Day
*International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
1685 Johann Sebastian Bach, German composer
1768 Joseph Fourier, French mathematician (investigation of Fourier series and their applications to problems of heat transfer and vibrations)
1863 George Owen Squier, Dryden, Michigan, inventor (multiplexing)
1869 Florenz Ziegfeld, Chicago, Illinois, producer (Ziegfield Follies)
1904 Forrest Mars, Sr., Wadena, Minnesota, candy maker (created M&M’s and Mars bar)
1910 Julio Gallo, Oakland, California, businessman (co-founded E & J Gallo Winery)
1921 Logan Ramsey, Long Beach, California, actor (appeared on Star Trek, Mission Impossible, Hawaii Five-O, M*A*S*H, Mork & Mindy, Battlestar Galactica)
1932 Walter Gilbert, Boston, Massachusetts, chemist (pioneering work in devising methods for determining the sequence of nucleotides in a nucleic acid)
1944 Timothy Dalton, Colwyn Bay Wales, actor (James Bond in Living Daylights, License to Kill; Scarlett)
1948 Scott Fahlman, Medina, Ohio, computer scientist (work on automated planning in a blocks world, on semantic networks, on neural networks)
1951 Russell Thompkins Jr, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, singer (The Stylistics)
1958 Gary Oldman, English actor (Sirius Black in Harry Potter; Batman Begins, Lost in Space, Criminal Law, State of Grace, Man Down)
1962 Mark Waid, Hueytown, Alabama, comic book writer (Amazing Heroes, DC Comics)
1962 Matthew Broderick, New York, New York, actor (Simba/Lion King, Inspector Gadget, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, WarGames, Biloxi Blues)
1973 Ananda Lewis, Los Angeles, California, television host
1974 Laura Allen, Portland, Oregon, actress (The 4400, Dirt, Awake, Ravenswood, Clown)
1978 Kevin Federline, Fresno, California, dancer; ex-husband of Britney Spears (You Got Served, The Book of Love)
1986 Scott Eastwood, Monterey, California, actor (Flags of Our Fathers, Gran Torino, Invictus, Fury, The Longest Ride) and producer
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Better be despised for too anxious apprehensions, than ruined by too confident security. – Edmund Burke
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:
1788 A fire in New Orleans leaves most of the town in ruins.
1859 Zoological Society of Philadelphia, 1st in US, incorporated
1871 Otto von Bismarck is appointed Chancellor of the German Empire.
1871 Journalist Henry Morton Stanley begins his trek to find the missionary and explorer David Livingstone.
1913 Over 360 are killed and 20,000 homes destroyed in the Great Dayton Flood in Dayton, Ohio.
1928 Charles Lindbergh is presented the Medal of Honor by President Coolidge for his first trans-Atlantic flight.
1937 Ponce Massacre: 18 people and a 7-year-old girl in Ponce, Puerto Rico, are gunned down by a police squad acting under orders of US-appointed PR Governor, Blanton C. Winship.
1952 Alan Freed presents the Moondog Coronation Ball, the first rock and roll concert, in Cleveland, Ohio.
1960 Apartheid: Massacre in Sharpeville, South Africa: Police open fire on a group of unarmed black South African demonstrators, killing 69 and wounding 180.
1963 Alcatraz, a federal penitentiary on an island in San Francisco Bay, closes.
1964 In Copenhagen, Denmark, Gigliola Cinquetti wins the ninth Eurovision Song Contest for Italy singing “Non ho l’età” (“I’m not old enough”).
1965 NASA launches Ranger 9 which is the last in a series of unmanned lunar space probes.
1965 Martin Luther King Jr. leads 3,200 people on the start of the third and finally successful civil rights march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.
1970 The first Earth Day proclamation is issued by San Francisco Mayor Joseph Alioto.
1970 Vinko Bogataj crashes during a ski-jumping championship in Germany; his image becomes that of the “agony of defeat guy” in the opening credits of ABC’s Wide World of Sports.
1980 US President Jimmy Carter announces a United States boycott of the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow to protest the Soviet Invasion of Afghanistan.
1980 On the season finale of the soap opera Dallas, the infamous character J.R. Ewing is shot by an unseen assailant, leading to the catchphrase “Who shot J.R.?”
1999 Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones become the first to circumnavigate the Earth in a hot air balloon.
2006 Social media site Twitter is founded.
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“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
“Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”
“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”
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A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center.
A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
The student told the mother that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
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ONE-LINERS:from comedian Steve Wright . . .
* Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* Why is abbreviation such a long word?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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A white lady on a business trip arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting. She was very nervous and distressed about her safety, and the danger she felt, lurked around every corner. After checking in at the front desk she headed to the elevator.
Upon arriving at the elevator, there were already 3 black men on it. She quickly debated with herself about the situation. “This is ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men, here in the middle of a reputable hotel. OK, no problem, I’m going to ride this elevator, etc….”
She then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the 3 men and faced the door. Shortly after the door closed, she heard one of the men say, “Hit the floor, lady.” She immediately dropped to her stomach in terror.
Upon her quick dive for the floor the 3 men broke out hysterically in laughter. The man, after all, had simply meant for her to select the floor she wished to go to. She was terribly shaken and embarrassed about the whole thing, but tried to shake it off, as she had several days of business to attend to.
At the end of her stay, she went to check out of the hotel and pay for her room. To her confusion the clerk informed her that her room had been taken care of. He then handed her a note and explained that it had been left by the person who had picked up the tab for the room.
And the note said : “Thanks for the best laugh I’ve ever had in an elevator.” – Eddie Murphy
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pic of the day: Shetland ewe sheep and goat kid. . .
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
~Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
~Acupuncture is a jab well done.
~Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
~Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
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A man walking with his friend says, “I’m a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “How so?”
“My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression.”
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Reasons to eat chocolate…
Chocolate is made from cocoa powder and sugar. Cocoa powder is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category too. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars contain milk, which is dairy, so candy bars are also a health food.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: You’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands.
The solution: You’re eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.
Chocolate has preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. That’s why they’re called “preservatives,” dummy!
Put ‘eat chocolate’ at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
A box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
You can’t let that happen, can you?
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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* 7-Eleven will hold its second annual “Bring Your Own Cup Day,” where it will give customers a discounted Slurpee as long as they bring in any container resembling a cup. In a related story, Home Depot just sold out of trash cans. – Jimmy Fallon
*The bad news for the leaders of both parties, both Clinton and Trump have a very high unfavorability rating. Hillary is 53 percent unfavorable, Trump clocks in at an extraordinary 63 percent unfavorable. Which, I think, like only Jared from Subway has higher than that. – Jimmy Kimmel
* While announcing last night that he is dropping out, Marco Rubio told supporters, “We should have seen this coming.” If it makes you feel any better, Marco, we did. – Seth Meyers
* Amazon’s got this new voice-activated home assistant gadget called the Echo. You just talk to the Echo, and it tells you the weather or sports scores or controls the lighting or climate in your house. Now, the Echo is always listening, but it only activates when you say its name: Alexa. It’s a pretty name, much prettier than the earlier name, the privacy-destroyer spy-mic 5000. – Stephen Colbert
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Benny Cohen was pulled out of the ocean by a lifeguard. His wife ran over sobbing, “Benny! Benny, what happened?!”
“Madam, please don’t get hysterical,” said the lifeguard. “I’m just going to give your husband some artificial respiration and he’ll be fine.”
“What!” Mrs. Cohen yelled. “My Benny gets either real respiration or nothing.”
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QUIP OF THE DAY: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . A tough lesson in life that one has to learn is that not everybody wishes you well. – Dan Rather