And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. – Abraham Lincoln
TODAY – JUNE 1st – MONDAY
152nd day of 2015 with 213 to follow.
The moon is waxing. Morning stars are Mercury, Neptune and Uranus. Evening stars are Jupiter, Mars, Saturn and Venus.
Holidays for Today:
*Dare Day
*Flip a Coin Day
*Global Day of Parents
*National Hazelnut Cake Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
1801 Brigham Young, Whitingham, Vermont, religious leader (Mormon)
1878 John Masefield, English novelist and poet (The Midnight Folk, Sea-Fever (All I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by))
1899 Edward Charles Titchmarsh, Newbury, Berkshire, English mathematician (analytic number theory, Fourier analysis and other parts of mathematical analysis)
1907 Sir Frank Whittle, Earlsdon, Coventry, engineer and inventor (development of the jet engine)
1917 William S. Knowles, Taunton, Massachusetts, chemist (Chiral phosphine ligands that proved effective in the enantioselective synthesis of L-DOPA)
1926 Andy Griffith, Mount Airy, North Carolina, actor (The Andy Griffith Show, Matlock)
1926 Marilyn Monroe, Los Angeles, Califonia, actress (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, The Seven Year Itch, Bus Stop)
1930 Edward Woodward, English actor (Callan, The Wicker Man, The Equalizer)
1934 Pat Boone, Jacksonville, Florida, singer (The Pat Boone Chevy Showroom)
1937 Morgan Freeman, Memphis, Tennessee, actor (Driving Miss Daisy, The Shawshank Redemption, Unforgiven, The Sum of All Fears, Batman Begins, The Lego Movie, Transcendence, Lucy)
1937 Colleen McCullough, Australian novelist (The Thorn Birds, Morgan’s Run, Masters of Rome Series)
1940 Kip Thorne, Logan, Utah, theoretical physicist (gravitational physics & astrophysics)
1940 René Auberjonois, NYC, New York, actor (Father Mulcahy in film M*A*S*H, Chef Louis in The Little Mermaid, Clayton on Benson, Odo on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Paul Lewiston on Boston Legal, Ben 10: Omniverse)
1948 Powers Boothe, Snyder, Texas, actor (The Story of Jim Jones, Deadwood, Tombstone, 24, Nashville)
1956 Lisa Hartman Black, Houston, Texas, singer and actress (Knots Landing, Someone Else’s Child, Flicka: Country Pride), married to Clint Black
1964 Mark Curry, Oakland, California, actor (Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper, Armageddon, It’s Showtime at the Apollo, See Dad Run)
1969 Teri Polo, Dover, Delaware, actress (Meet the Parents, I’m With Her, The West Wing, The Fosters)
1974 Melissa Sagemiller, Washington, D.C., actress (Get Over It, The Clearing, The Guardian, Sleeper Cell, Raising the Bar, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit)
1977 Danielle Harris, Queens, New York, actress (Halloween Halloween series, Free Willy, Urban Legend, Stake Land)
1977 Sarah Wayne Callies, La Grange, Illinois, actress (Prison Break, The Walking Dead, Into the Storm)
2000 Willow Shields, Albuquerque, New Mexico, American actress (Beyond the Blackboard, The Hunger Games, A Fall from Grace, Dancing with the Stars season 20)
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Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. – Mohandas Gandhi
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:
1779 Benedict Arnold, a general in the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War, is court-martialed for malfeasance.
1792 Kentucky is admitted as the 15th state of the United States.
1796 Tennessee is admitted as the 16th state of the United States.
1812 War of 1812: U.S. President James Madison asks the Congress to declare war on the United Kingdom.
1813 James Lawrence, the mortally-wounded commander of the USS Chesapeake, gives his final order: “Don’t give up the ship!”
1815 Napoleon swears fidelity to the Constitution of France.
1831 James Clark Ross discovers the North Magnetic Pole.
1855 American adventurer William Walker conquers Nicaragua.
1857 Charles Baudelaire’s Les Fleurs du mal is published.
1861 American Civil War, Battle of Fairfax Court House (June 1861), first land battle of American Civil War after Battle of Fort Sumter, first Confederate combat casualty.
1862 American Civil War, Peninsula Campaign: Battle of Seven Pines (or the Battle of Fair Oaks) ends inconclusively, with both sides claiming victory.
1879 Napoleon Eugene, the last dynastic Bonaparte, is killed in the Anglo-Zulu War.
1890 The United States Census Bureau begins using Herman Hollerith’s tabulating machine to count census returns.
1916 Louis Brandeis becomes the first Jew appointed to the United States Supreme Court.
1918 World War I, Western Front: Battle for Belleau Wood – Allied Forces under John J. Pershing and James Harbord engage Imperial German Forces under Wilhelm, German Crown Prince.
1960 New Zealand’s first official television broadcast commences at 7.30 pm from Auckland.
1962 The Pilkington Committee on Broadcasting concludes, among other things, that the British public did not want commercial radio broadcasting.
1974 The Heimlich maneuver for rescuing choking victims is published in the journal Emergency Medicine.
1980 Cable News Network (CNN) begins broadcasting.
1990 George H. W. Bush and Mikhail Gorbachev sign a treaty to end chemical weapon production.
1999 American Airlines Flight 1420 slides and crashes while landing at Little Rock National Airport, killing 11 people on a flight from Dallas to Little Rock.
2009 General Motors files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. It is the fourth largest United States bankruptcy in history.
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I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas’ chaotic traffic.
I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told,
“In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade.”
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Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction – moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Bill pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.
“That was terrific,” I said. “How did you do it?”
“Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south.”
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us, the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
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ONE-LINERS: The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker…
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”
1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”
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A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
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pic of the day: Cat on Fence
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
It was Ferdinand Feghoot who, in 3312, first proved that fish were highly intelligent and that men could converse with them. He was accorded the honor of signing the ensuing Treaty of Peace, Amity, Commerce, and Navigation, which was also endorsed by an imposing elderly shark.
“I spent seventeen months eavesdropping on fish conversations and analyzing their language,” he told reporters after the ceremony. “Then I slipped overboard with my SCUBA gear, and asked for their leader. They took me to the Generalissimo here, and I’ll never forget my first sight of him, completely at ease in the lovely blue water, with that busy little fish hovering right by his head all the time. He received me most courteously in spite of my abominable accent. Why, he was so polite and so tactful that it was almost a week before I realized that he is as deaf as a post.”
“But, how could he understand you?” asked the reporters.
“That’s simple,” said Ferdinand Feghoot. “The little fish is his herring aide.”
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Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
“Take it to the police station,” her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added….
“And, Carol?”
“Yes, mom?”
“Call them first and let them know you’re coming.”
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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* Chrysler just announced that it plans to offer free college tuition to thousands of employees at dealerships across the country. Chrysler says it’s just a small way of making up for the PT Cruiser. – Jimmy Fallon
* After four dreary months, out of the blue we got a message that David Letterman wanted to come on as a guest. Dave was the biggest thing on TV. He didn’t go on other people’s shows. It was like The Beatles asking Maury Povich if they could stop by and sing a couple of tunes. – Conan O’Brien
* This week Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson got his handprints and footprints in cement outside Hollywood’s Chinese Theater. And this is the amazing part: The cement wasn’t even wet. – Seth Meyers
* According to a new poll, one third of Americans believe animals deserve the same rights as people. The other two thirds have cats. – Seth Meyers
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Mr. Kramer had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. “When did you first notice the leak?” the repairman inquired.
Mr. Kramer scowled. “Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”
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A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
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QUIP OF THE DAY: He was trying to save both his faces – John Gunther
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . Whether we’re prepared or not, life has a habit of thrusting situations upon us. – Lucille Ball