“Pessimism never won any battle.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower
TODAY – JANUARY 4th – MONDAY
4th day of 2016 with 361 days to follow. The moon is waning crescent with 30% visible.
Holidays for Today:
*Trivia Day
*National Spaghetti Day
*Flower Basket Day
*World Braille Day
*11th of the Twelve Days of Christmas
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
1785 Jacob Grimm, German philologist and folklorist (one of the Brothers Grimm)
1809 Louis Braille, France, teacher of the blind and inventor of Braille
1813 Isaac Pitman, Trowbridge, Wiltshire, inventor (developed the most widely used system of shorthand)
1900 James Bond, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, ornithologist (known for Caribbean Ornithology, namesake for Ian Fleming’s fictional spy, James Bond (007))
1927 Barbara Rush, Denver, Colorado, actress (Web of Deceit, The Outer Limits)
1930 Don Shula, Grand River, Ohio, football coach (Lions, Colts, Dolphins)
1933 Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, Anderson, Indiana, author (Shiloh, The Grand Escape, The Witch Saga, The Boys Start the War, A Shiloh Christmas)
1937 Grace Bumbry, St Louis, Missouri, opera singer (considered one of the leading mezzo-sopranos of her generation)
1937 Dyan Cannon, Tacoma, Washington, actress (The Rise and Fall of Legs Diamond, Heaven Can Wait, Caddyshack II, Ally McBeal, Three Sisters)
1940 Brian David Josephson, Cardiff, Wales, physicist (Nobel / condensed matter physics, Josephson Effect)
1940 Gao Xingjian,Chinese author and dramatist (Nobel / “…of universal validity, bitter insights and linguistic ingenuity, which has opened new paths for the Chinese novel and drama)
1945 Richard R. Schrock, Berne, Indiana, chemist (Nobel / metathesis reaction used in organic chemistry)
1946 Arthur Conley, McIntosh County, Georgia, singer (best known for the 1967 hit, “Sweet Soul Music”)
1958 Matt Frewer, Washington, D.C., actor (1980s icon Max Headroom; Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Watchmen, Eureka, Falling Skies, The Librarians, Olympus)
1960 April Winchell, New York City, New York, actress (King of The Hill, Phineas & Ferb, Kim Possible, Goof Troop, Disney’s House of Mouse and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Pepper Ann, The Legend of Tarzan ,101 Dalmatians: The Series, Wander over Yonder)
1962 Harlan Coben, Newark, New Jersey, author (series: Myron Bolitar, Mickey Bolitar; Tell No One, Hold Tight, Long Lost, Six Years, The Stranger)
1973 Mike D. Anderson, Stamford, Connecticut, actor (New Day Co-Op Drug Kingpin Ghost in the HBO series The Wire)
2000 Rhiannon Leigh Wryn, Los Angeles, California, actress (The Last Mimzy, The King of Queens, Monster Mutt)
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If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down. – Mary Pickford
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:
1493 Christopher Columbus leaves the New World, ending his first journey.
1642 King Charles I of England sends soldiers to arrest members of Parliament, commencing England’s slide into civil war.
1847 Samuel Colt sells his first revolver pistol to the United States government.
1854 The McDonald Islands are discovered by Captain William McDonald aboard the Samarang.
1865 The New York Stock Exchange opens its first permanent headquarters at 10-12 Broad near Wall Street in New York City.
1885 First successful appendectomy is performed by William W. Grant on Mary Gartside.
1896 Utah is admitted as the 45th U.S. state.
1958 Sputnik 1 falls to Earth from its orbit.
1959 Luna 1 becomes the first spacecraft to reach the vicinity of the Moon.
1962 New York City introduces a train that operates without a crew on-board.
1965 United States President Lyndon B. Johnson proclaims his “Great Society” during his State of the Union address.
1974 United States President Richard Nixon refuses to hand over materials subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee.
1999 Former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura is sworn in as governor of Minnesota.
2004 Spirit, a NASA Mars Rover, lands successfully on Mars at 04:35 UTC.
2006 Prime Minister Ariel Sharon of Israel suffers a second, apparently more serious stroke. His authority is transferred to acting Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.
2007 The 110th United States Congress convenes, electing Nancy Pelosi as the first female Speaker of the House in U.S. history.
2010 The Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest building, is officially opened. Located in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, it is 828 meters (2,717 feet) tall.
2010 Per a ruling by the Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the United States removes a ban on persons with HIV from entering the country.
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A friend of mine spent two weeks at a Boy Scout Camp out west. Halfway through their stay, the boys received “care” packages from home and many of them contained checks for spending money. A group of them went into town to cash these checks at the local bank.
One Scout was having some trouble because he’d lost his wallet. He insisted that he had identification on him, but didn’t want to show it. The young woman who was serving as a teller that day, however, insisted upon seeing it. So the young man climbed up onto the counter and whispered into her ear.
She motioned for him to come around behind the counter where they could have a little more privacy. My friend, who was tall enough to see over the counter and keep an eye on things, reported that the blushing boy pulled out his shirt, folded down his belt, and then pulled up the label on his underwear.
The teller could see his name neatly written there with an indelible marker.
She cashed his check.
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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and — WHACK!! — knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The big dude says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”
The little guy thinks “GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden — WHACK!! — the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.
This time he says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”
So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.
Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and — WHAM!!!” — knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he gets up, tell him that’s a crowbar from Sears.”
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ONE-LINERS: Why I Don’t Clean
1. I don’t do windows because … I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
2. I don’t wax floors because … I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.
3. I don’t mind the dust bunnies because …. they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
4. I don’t disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.
5. I don’t Spring Clean because … I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.
6. I don’t plant a garden because … I don’t want to get in God’s way. He is an excellent designer.
7. I don’t put things away because … my husband will never be able to find them again.
8. I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because … I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
9. I don’t iron because … I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.
10. I don’t stress much on anything because …
“A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up fiesty ol’ woman!!!!
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Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.
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pic of the day: Snow-covered sweetgum balls
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats.
An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rabbits.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny.
What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!
How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail.
What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A hare-net.
What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.
What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing at you.
Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits’ feet.
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Geek Jokes: Schordinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
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A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs Boson’s in here.”
The Higgs Boson replies, “But without me, how could you have mass?”
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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU SPENT TOO MUCH MONEY ON CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
By James Watkins
10. Your letter carrier develops a hernia delivering your MasterCard bill.
9. Your new computer has more RAM than Microsoft headquarters.
8. The Federal government is offering you a bailout.
7. You’ve taken out a second mortgage to pay for the “Nuclear-powered 3-D Brain Blaster” video game system.
6. A guy named “Nick the Kneecap” keeps calling you at 3 a.m.
5. You spend all your time away from the office or assembly line asking, “Do you want fries with that?”
4. You use cardboard boxes, wrapping paper, and computer manuals to heat your home.
3. The Ghost of Christmas Future reveals your family living at a homeless shelter, but ¬hey! ¬you’re the best dressed people there.
2. You’re receiving money for food and medicine from a Russian orphan.
1. You’ve forgotten the true reason for the season.
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Classic LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* Vice President Joe Biden said he has privately met with 17 Republican senators at his home to try and connect on issues like tax reform. Biden asked what he can do to speed up negotiations, while Democrats asked, “Does this door lock from the outside?” – Jimmy Fallon
* As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It’s getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside. – Jimmy Fallon
* Musician Kid Rock came under fire for posting a photo of himself holding a cougar that he had just killed. People were outraged until they realized the cougar was one of the “Real Housewives of Orange County.” – Conan O’Brien
* Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn’t read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing. – Conan O’Brien
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A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way.
Now, what was it she wanted?”
The clerk answered, “Snow.”
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Quotes About Marriage
~ Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
~ Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
~ Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
~ Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
~ Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.
~ Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
~ Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
~ Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I joined a fitness club last year; spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . The courage of life is often a less dramatic spectacle than the courage of a final moment; but it is no less a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. – John F. Kennedy