All glory comes from daring to begin. – Eugene F. Ware
TODAY – AUGUST 29th – MONDAY
242nd day of 2016 with 124 days to follow. Moon is waning with 9% visible.
Holidays for Today:
*More Herbs, Less Salt Day
*National Chop Suey Day
*National Lemon Juice Day
*International Day against Nuclear Tests
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
1809 Oliver Wendell Holmes, Cambridge, Maine, physician/author (Old Ironsides)
1876 Charles F. Kettering, Loudonville, Ohio, inventor (electrical starting motor and leaded gasoline)
1915 Ingrid Bergman, Sweden, actress (Casablanca, Cactus Flower)
1916 George Montgomery, Brady, Montana, actor/furnituremaker/sculptor (Battle of Bulge, Hallucination)
1923 Richard Attenborough, English actor & director (The Great Escape, Miracle on 34th Street, Jurassic Park, The Lost World)
1936 John McCain, Panama Canal Zone, American politician (Senator AZ, Republican presidential nominee in 2008)
1938 Elliott Gould, Brooklyn, New York, actor (M*A*S*H , Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen, Mulaney, Ray Donovan)
1941 Robin Leach, English TV host (Life Styles of Rich & Famous)
1952 Deborah Van Valkenburgh, Schenectady, New York, actress (Too Close for Comfort )
1952 Karen Hesse, Baltimore, Maryland, children’s author (Phoenix Rising, Out of the Dust)
1958 Michael Jackson, Gary, Indiana, pop singer (recognized as the most successful entertainer of all time by Guinness World Records)
1959 Rebecca De Mornay, California, actress (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Risky Business, Wedding Crashers, I am Wrath)
1975 Dante Basco, Pittsburg, California, Filipino/American actor (Zuko in the Nickelodeon series Avatar: The Last Airbender, American Dragon, 30 Something… else, Jarhead 3: The Siege)
1986 Lea Michele, The Bronx, New York, actress and singer (Spring Awakening, Glee, Scream Queens)
1990 Nicole Anderson, Rochester, Indiana, actress (JONAS L.A., Make It or Break It, Beauty and the Beast, Ravenswood)
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There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:
1756 Frederick the Great attacks Saxony, beginning the Seven Years’ War.
1758 The first American Indian Reservation is established, at Indian Mills, New Jersey.
1786 Shays’ Rebellion, an armed uprising of Massachusetts farmers, begins in response to high debt and tax burdens.
1831 Michael Faraday discovers electromagnetic induction.
1885 Gottlieb Daimler patents the world’s first internal combustion motorcycle, the Reitwagen
1898 The Goodyear tire company is founded.
1911 Ishi, considered the last Native American to make contact with European Americans, emerges from the wilderness of northeastern California.
1915 US Navy salvage divers raise F-4, the first U.S. submarine sunk in accident.
1916 The United States passes the Philippine Autonomy Act.
1958 United States Air Force Academy opens in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
1965 Astronauts Cooper & Conrad complete 120 Earth orbits in Gemini 5 and land back on earth.
1966 The Beatles perform their last concert before paying fans at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.
2005 Hurricane Katrina devastates much of the U.S. Gulf Coast from Louisiana to the Florida Panhandle, killing more than 1,836 and causing over $80 billion in damage.
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Q: What’s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a supermodel?
A: Nothing, if her husband knows what’s good for him.
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There was a man who had two horses but he couldn’t tell the difference between them. He tried everything, but still could not tell the difference between them.
Then another man came along and said, “I can measure them and then you would be able to tell the difference.”
So, he measured them. the guy that owned the horses said, “Well, which one is bigger?”
The other guy said “Well, the black horse is taller than the white horse!”
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ONE-LINERS:
~ The best reason for the right thing today is tomorrow.
~ You can’t win them all, but you sure can lose them all.
~ A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
~ Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.
~ You can always tell when a man is well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
~ Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this stuff before.
~ The person who spends all day bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
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Three idiots try out for a job to be a detective. The trainer they have pulls out a picture. He asks them each separately, “How would you recognize this suspect?”
The 1st idiot says “He only has 1 eye.”
So the trainer says “it’s a profile.”
Frustrated, he moves along to the 2nd one and he said, “how would you recognize this suspect?”
The idiot says “he only has one ear.”
Even more frustrated he yells at her and says, “It’s a profile!”
He goes to the 3rd idiot and once again he asks, “How would you recognize this suspect?”
The idiot answers “He wears contact lenses.”
The amazed trainer goes and checks the computer database. He returns 5 minutes later and says, “Wow! he does wear contact lenses, how did you know that?”
The idiot replies, “He can’t wear normal glasses silly, he only has one ear.”
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pic of the day: Black Swallowtail Butterfly on Phlox Blossoms
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
“What did you do that for?” Asked a passing giraffe.
“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.”
“Wow, what a memory” commented the giraffe.
“Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall”.
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Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
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After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn’t pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I’d like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here’s your Big Mac and here’s your Coke. That’ll be $3.99.
Joe: Uh, I don’t want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, they’re bundled.
Joe: What? I’m not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You don’t; the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasn’t a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It’s got integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street… I’m not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you can’t have the burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you can’t do that. They’re seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? They’re two totally separate things!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: It’s a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you’d end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you’re assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.
Joe: Aaarrgh!
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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* “Bachelorette” winner Jordan Rodgers has started working as a TV commentator for college football. When asked who he thinks will win a big game, he’s the only analyst who goes, “This is tough, I’m in love with both teams … I’m gonna have to go with Miami.” – Jimmy Fallon
* NASA announced they have re-established contact with a spacecraft that had been missing for two years. The spacecraft went missing again when it was told who the Republican nominee is. – Conan O’Brien
* A new report has found that Donald Trump may have used some of his campaign funds to buy thousands of copies of his own book. Oh my word, that’s what he’s gonna use to build the wall! – Seth Meyers
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A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password.
Her password was “genius”.
After three tries and the system telling him “access denied,” he asked her how to spell it.
She said, “G – E – N – I – O – U – S.”
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A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. “What’s the quickest way to York?”
The local scratched his head.
“Are you walking or driving?” he asked the stranger.
“I’m driving.”
“That’s the quickest way!”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Which opera stars are more famous for the food named after them? Opera stars Nellie Melba and Luisa Tetrazzini are famous for more than singing. They are also known for food that has been named after them. Nellie Melba (peach melba and melba toast) and Luisa Tetrazzini (chicken tetrazzini).
~What is a cruise ship’s area code? The telephone area code for a cruise ship in the Atlantic Ocean is 871.
~How are koalas and people alike? Koalas and humans are the only animals with unique prints. Koala prints cannot be distinguished from human fingerprints.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception – Groucho Marx
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. – Benjamin Disraeli