Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died. They found themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter there shaking his head.
“Gentlemen, I’m afraid Heaven is full – we just don’t have room for you here,” said St. Peter.
“But, St. Peter, surely you recognize me!” the first doctor exclaimed. “I developed the DNA theory, and have helped improve millions of lives through my work.” St. Peter shook his head, thinking, and finally said, “You’re right, we just have to let you in. Come on — we’ll make room somehow.”
“And I know you recognize me, St. Peter,” the second doctor said. “I developed the MRI, and because of my machine, millions of people with medical problems are helped.”
Again St. Peter is moved. “Yes, come on in. Surely you deserve to be here, too,” he replies.
Finally, the last doctor pipes in, “St. Peter, You must also know me — I’m the doctor who developed HMOs.”
To this St. Peter only hesitates a moment, and then replies, “Yes, you, too, have a place in Heaven — but you can only stay 3 days.”
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!”
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
After investigating, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that there is no mistake my son…We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your clients, and you’re at least 108 years old!”
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in healthy food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed”, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.
Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tablets?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
Rodney Dangerfield arrives at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter says to him, “Tell me what you did in life that makes you worthy of coming in.”
Rodney says, “That’s easy. I made people laugh.”
St. Peter responds, “God gave you your looks, I want to know what YOU did.”
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove you’re Albert Einstein?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, “Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “You are definitely the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
Dubya looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.”
The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.”
To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.”
The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.”
To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.”
The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.”
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!”
The first man replied,
“I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…”
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”
The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.”
St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered.
“That’s right! You may enter.”
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, “Hello! How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you!”
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?
“You have to spell a word”, Saint Peter told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked.
“Love.”
The woman correctly spelled LOVE and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About three years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word”, the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia.”
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, “Here is your home for the rest of eternity. Enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.”
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, “Here you go,” and goes to leave when the forester says, “Wait a minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”
St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.”
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Michael O’Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the preacher, “that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?”
“Up here, we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept — while he drove, people prayed.”