A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
“Miss, may I see your driver’s license please?”
“Driver’s license? What’s that?”
“It’s a little card with your picture on it.”
“Oh, duh! Here it is.”
“May I have your car insurance?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.”
“Oh this? Duh! Here you go.”
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: “Oh no, not another Breathalyzer test!”
Hubby: As a start, I think you should learn to “iron”, then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly, we could do without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she sat and said: “What can I get you, gorgeous?”
The woman, blushed and replied: “If you’re sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.”
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman’s ear: “Would that be before or after I’ve got the drinks?”
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms…”
A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter. She asks, “How much for the white dildo?”
He answers, “$35.”
She: “How much for the black one?”
He: “$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.”
She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.”
She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, “How much for the black dildo?”
He: “$35.”
She: “How much for the white one?”
He: “$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.”
She: “Hmmm…I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before…”
She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?”
He: “$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”
She: “Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?”
He: “Well, that’s a very special dildo…it’ll cost you $165.”
She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a plaid one before….”
She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?”
To which the salesman responded, “I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”
The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house.
When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.
“I suppose you know what this is?” he whispered.
“I sure do,” she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, “I’d like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny’s Pizzeria.”
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to going into the delivery room is asked by the doctor if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
“I’m afraid I don’t have husband,” she replies.
“O.K., do you have a boyfriend?” asks the doctor.
“No – no boyfriend either. I’m unattached and I’ll be having my baby on my own.”
After the birth the doctor says to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black”
“Well,” replies the girl, “I was very down on my luck a year or so back, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a porno movie, and the leading man was black.”
“Oh, I’m very sorry,” says the doctor, “that’s really none of my business but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”
“Well, yes,” the girl again replies, “You see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie – what else could I do?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the doctor repeats, “and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.”
“Well yes,” continues the girl, “I was incredibly hard up and there was also a little Chinese man in the movie I really had no choice.”
At this the doctor proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. the baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, “Well, thank God for that!”
“What do you mean?” says the doctor, shocked.
“Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!”
The high-school, blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she’d often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car.
“Now my daughter,” consoled the Priest, “I’m sure if you think about it, you’ll know you’ve been doing something wrong.”
“Yeah, I guess you are right.” replied the cheerleader. “Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat.”
I attended a terrific party New Year’s Eve. Lots of good food and some wonderful people. I was busy sipping on my vodka when I overheard a group of ladies having a discussion. One was saying how her daughter was very meticulous and fastidious about herself and the enthusiasm she had for getting good grades. She said she hoped she would not be so anal as time went on.
Whereupon a blonde in the group who was showing off her newly acquired breasts, chimed in with, “I used to be that way too, but as the years passed I’ve become less anal and more oral and vaginal.”
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York’s finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
“Oh God,” said the Queen, “that’s disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?”
The doctor leading the tour explains, “I am sorry Your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn’t do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die”
“Oh, I am sorry,” said the Queen, “I was unaware that such a medical condition existed.”
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
“Oh my God,” said the Queen, “What’s happening here?”
The doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-20s and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment; a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.”
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.”
He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”
“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”
Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was a gorgeous blonde. He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, “I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom.”
The barmaid knew the bathroom was around the corner, so she accepted the bet. Mickey took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the bathroom. Upon his return, he said, “I bet I can bite my own ear.”
The bet was accepted. This time, Mickey took out his false teeth and nipped his ear. Once again, he scooped up the money.
“Okay,” he said, “I’ll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won’t feel a thing.”
Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet. So, off they went. A few minutes later, the woman giggled, “I can feel you.”
“Oh well,” Mickey grinned, “You win some, you lose some!”
A little blonde girl comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Suzie just told me–that babies come out of the same place where boys put their…things?”
“Yes, dear,” replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.
“But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?”
Three mothers—a brunette, a redhead and a blond—were all talking about their daughters.
The brunette said, “I was looking through my daughter’s things and I found cigarettes. I can’t believe my daughter smokes.”
The redhead, said, “Ladies, I was looking through my daughter’s things and I found a bottle of liquor. I can’t believe my daughter drinks.”
The blond said, “I was looking through my daughter’s things and I found a pack of condoms—I can’t believe my daughter has a penis!”
It’s after dinner when a man realizes he’s out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he’ll be right back. He’s persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he’s nursing it, a gorgeous blond comes in the door. She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she invites him home. Back at her place, they have sex until four in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any baby powder.
“In the bathroom cabinet,” she says.
He dusts his hands, speeds home and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.
“So where the hell have you been?” she screams.
“Well, you see honey,” he stammers, “I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love.”
“Wait a minute,” snapped his wife, “let me see your hands.”
Turning on him, she says, “Don’t lie, you rotten bastard—you’ve been bowling again!”
A doctor examining a young blonde woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t. A later examination showed she was pregnant. The doctor, flabbergasted, asked, “Why on Earth did you say you weren’t sexually active?”
The blonde replied, “I’m not, I just lie there!”
The doctor, understandably perplexed, said, “Do you know who the father is?”
The blonde thought for a moment then replied, “No. Who?”
The Lone Ranger was captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The next morning, the Indian Chief says, “You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off. Later, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse, alone.”
The Chief is curious, but agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen carefully, for the last time, I said bring posse!”
The businessman was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
After taking his blonde date to a movie and a nice dinner, the smitten young man drove to a quiet spot and parked. The couple began to neck, and when things got steamy, the fellow asked, “How about getting in the back seat?”
“No,” she said.
He began to kiss her again and started running his hands up and down her body.
“Now will you get in the back seat?” he asked.
“No,” she said more firmly.
He went back to kissing and rubbing and finally, between clenched teeth, pleaded, “For God’s sake, get in the back seat, will you?”
“No!” she screamed.
“Well, why the hell not?” he asked.
“Because,” she replied sweetly, “I want to stay up here with you.”
Harry noticed he was running low on condoms, so he stopped by the local drugstore.
“What size?” asked the blonde pharmacist’s assistant, sweetly. When he admitted he wasn’t sure of his size, the blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and instructed him to place his manhood inside her. Harry was shocked, but was delighted to oblige.
“Size six,” she told him after a moment. “Now take it out. How many would you like?”
Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to the drugstore.
“But I’m afraid I don’t know my size,” he told the salesgirl. So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure.
“Size seven, sir, now take it out, please. How many would you like?”
“None, thanks,” he told her, zipping up his fly. “I just came in for a fitting.”
“Just try to relax; this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. “Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure,” she replied, “but not by a doctor!”
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, “Open wide.”
“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “this chair’s got arms.”
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, over-sexed blonde, was making overtures toward her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, “Look lady, my husband just delivers babies; he doesn’t install them!”
Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they’ll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know? The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and goes to bed early. The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date. The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, “No way! Yesterday I almost got caught!”
Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She’s hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast. They corner him and ask, “Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill’s companion. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
Bill says, “I lied about my age.”
His friends respond, “What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, “I’m going to give you a Breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.”
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
She turned red, and replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, “Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I’ll sink?”
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman, “In what position was the baby conceived?”
“He was on top”, she replied.
“You will have a boy!” the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
“I was on top,” was the reply.
“You will have a baby girl,” said the doctor.
With this, the third woman, a blonde, burst into tears.
“What’s the matter?” asked the doc.
“Am I going to have puppies?”
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: “No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can’t cook”
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out.
Then I realized I was too late.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks, “How much for a box of rubbers?”
“They’re $1 for a box of 3,” he replied, “Plus 6 cents for the tax.”
“Oh,” said the blonde, “I wondered how they kept them on.”
A blonde goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk, “I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.”
“Does he use the ball kind?” inquired the clerk.
“No,” replied the blonde, “The kind for under his arms.”
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him “Head and Shoulders” and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, “How do you give shoulders?”
Person 1: What’s the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
The southern preacher rose with a red face, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I am a member of the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again all was quiet. Slowly a “drop dead” gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop – rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
A blonde woman was driving down the highway when her car broke down. She pulled to the side of the road, got out and opened the trunk of her car.
Two men dressed in trench coats got out of her trunk. They faced the oncoming traffic and proceeded to bare their nude bodies to the other drivers.
A cop drives up and asks the blonde, “What the hell is going on here?”
She tells him, “Well officer, my car broke down.”
He says, “Miss, I can see that, but why are these two men exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic?”
She says, “I didn’t want to cause an accident, so I’m using my emergency flashers!”
A cheeky fireman reaches a third story window with his ladder. When he looks in the window he sees a beautiful young blonde in a negligee.
“Don’t be afraid,” says the fireman “I’ve saved lots of pregnant woman.”
“I’m not pregnant!” shouts the girl.
“Yea, and you’re not saved yet,” replies the fireman.
A blonde is sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with an attractive guy that is next to her.
“Hi,” she says, “Do you like movies?”
“Sure,” he replies, then returns to reading his book.
The blonde persists. “Do you like gardening?”
“Sure,” says the guy politely before returning to his book.
Undaunted, the blonde asks, “Do you like pussycats?”
With that the guy drops his book and pounces on the blonde, ravaging her like she’d never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand settled, the blonde drags herself to a sitting position and pants, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man thinks for a moment and then replies, “How did you know that my name was Katz?”
Three ladies, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde are on a flight when suddenly the captain announces, “Please prepare for a crash landing.”
The brunette puts on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies ask why.
“When they come to rescue us,” says the brunette, “they’ll see that I’m rich and rescue me first.”
The redhead not wanting to be outdone takes off her top and bra. Surprised by this, the other ladies ask why.
“When they come to rescue us,” says the redhead, “they’ll see my fantastic tits and rescue me first.”
The blonde not wanting to be outdone takes off her knickers.
Surprised by this, the other ladies ask why.
“When they come to rescue us,” says the blonde, “they always search for a black box first!”
A newly married blonde has her first appointment with a gynecologist and tells him that she wants to start a family.
“We’ve been trying for months now Doctor and I just don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confesses.
“Don’t worry, we’ll solve your problem,” the doctor replies.
“Just take off your knickers and hop up on the examination table…”
“Well, all right, “agrees the blushing blonde, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”
At a paternity trial a blonde’s lawyer asks, “On the night of July 16th, at 11:45 pm, in the location generally known as ‘Lover’s Lane’, did the defendant have sexual relations with you?”
“Yes,” whispered the blonde.
“And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?” the lawyer continues.
“Oh no,” she replies, “I’m pretty sure he had a Volvo.”
The horny midget found that the best way to ‘get off’ with women was to use the direct approach. So he goes up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and says, “Hey, baby, what do you say to a little fuck?”
She looked down at him and replies, “Hello, little fuck!”
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Smith became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr.Smith, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”
Bewildered, Mr. Smith was halfway to the car park with his wife when he choked, “I…I…didn’t pinch that girl.”
“Of course you didn’t” his wife replied consolingly. “I did!”
A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, “We don’t sell bottom deodorant and never have.”
The blonde replies, “I’ve been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and I’d like some more.”
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the assistant.
“Sure,” says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
“This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”
Annoyed, blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container instructions, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A blonde guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. Sitting on the next stool is a monkey. So he asks the bartender, “What’s that monkey doing in here?”
“Oh, he does a fantastic trick,” says the bartender, “watch.”
The bartender picks up a bat and smacks the monkey on the head. The monkey immediately jumps up and gives the bartender a blowjob. After the monkey is finished the blonde guy says, “That’s amazing!”
“Do you want a go?” asks the bartender.
“Sure,” says the blonde, “But no hitting me with the bat!”
A blonde woman strides angrily into the large store and slaps a package on the counter, and loudly expresses her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asks, “Hi. What’s the problem? Wouldn’t your cat eat them?”
The woman’s eyes get very large, and she whispers, “Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for cats?”
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table, when a very attractive blonde woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
“I hope you don’t mind,” she says, “but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”
With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs some new clothes!”
As the dice comes to a stop she jumps up and down and screams…“YES! YES! I’VE WON, I WON!”
She hugs each of the dealer in turn and then picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded.
“What did she roll?” one dealer asks the other.
“I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but when a naked woman is around, most men are.
An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters down in front of a teller at the bank. The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said, “I didn’t hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the other half.”
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, “What the heck,” and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “I have some really great news….”
I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she’d been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great I couldn’t be happier for you!”
Then she said, “There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean there’s more?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
An attractive blonde, Kitty McNeil was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station, yelled one final, “Yahoo!” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.
“Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback!”
One fat guy goes to a popular gym and sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone’s weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He’s standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying “If you catch me, I’m yours.”
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he’s running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he’s about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the manager who leads him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg..
He’s back on the street and starts to think, “Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time…”
So he races back to the gym and says, “I want to lose 20 more kg.”
“No problem,” says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he’s standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, “If I catch you, you’re mine .”
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “Screw him – – – give him a dollar.”
The blonde then blushed and said, “The breakfast was my idea “
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, ‘Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.’
‘No problem,’ the man says. ‘I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 floors and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.’
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, ‘OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,’ and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up.
‘Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.’
The man says, ‘No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m lying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.’
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
‘I could get used to this new policy,’ he thinks to himself. ‘Very well,’ the angel announces, ‘welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,’ and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
‘OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.’
The man says, ‘OK, picture this. I’m naked inside this refrigerator. . .’
A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting at home one night and became bored.
“Hey, let’s play a game,” she said.
“What game?” was his bored reply.
“Let’s play hide’n’seek. I’ll give you a blowjob if you can find me.”
“What if I can’t find you?”
“I’ll be behind the piano.”
A very well-built young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was. “I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.”
The shrink thought for a moment and said, “Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don’t you try nursing?”
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, “Well go ahead, I’ll give it a try!”
After traveling a few blocks, a blonde realized she had no money and immediately informed the driver.
“You’d better stop. I can’t pay you and it’s ten dollars already,” she said.
The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror.
“That’s okay,” he said. “I’ll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra.”
“You’d be cheating yourself,” she replied. “This bra is only worth five dollars.”
Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table.
Dr Donovan placed his hand on her bare breast, “You know what I’m doing, don’t you?” he asked.
“Yes,” she murmured, “You’re checking for breast cancer.”
Donovan then began caressing her stomach. “Of course,” he continued, “you know what I’m doing.”
“Yes,” she smiled. “You’re checking my appendix.”
By now the M.D. couldn’t control himself any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to her.
“You know what I’m doing, don’t you?” he gasped.
“Yes,” she replied. “You’re checking for VD . . . and that’s what I came here for.”
An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it’s soon time for the healing portion of the show.
“If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place one hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!”
The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.
“Oh, don’t be stupid!” says the old woman. “He said heal, not raise the dead!”
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.
The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants, then you might have qualified for disability, too.”
The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?
” She