A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette goes first, “I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life – I just want to go home” … POOF she is gone.
The redhead makes her wish, “This place sucks, I want to go home too” … POOF she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, “My dear, what is the matter?”
The blond say, “I wish my friends were here” … POOF!!!
Two groups charter a double Decker bus for a weekend trip to Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is all blonde.
Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom level.
The brunette group has a ball. They’re whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go and check on them.
When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them.
“Whoa, whoa — what’s going on here? We’re having a GREAT time downstairs!”
One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, “Yeah, but you guys have a driver!”
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire so they go out onto the balcony.
“Help, help!” yells one of the blondes.
“Help us, help us!” yells the other.
“Maybe it would be better if we yelled together,” said the first blonde.
“Good idea,” said the other.
“Together, together!”
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of capital cities of the world.
She proudly says, “Go ahead, and ask me, I know them all!”
Her friend says, “O.K., what’s the capital of England?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! E.”
A terribly overweight blonde goes to see her doctor for some help with dieting.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds,” says the doc.
When the blonde returns she shocks the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“That’s amazing!” says the doc. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to die on the third day.”
“What? From hunger?” asks the doc.
“No,” says the blonde. “from all that bloody skipping!”
A traffic cop pulls alongside a speeding car on a motorway. Glancing at the driver he’s astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolls down his window and yells, “Pull over lady!”
“No!” the blonde replies, “It’s a scarf!”
A doctor is examining a gorgeous blonde girl who has a terrible pain in her abdomen.
“My dear, you have acute appendicitis,” says the doc.
The blonde becomes quite angry with this and shouts, “Could you stop hitting on me doc. I just want to be examined, not complimented!”
Another blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions…
Officer: What’s 2+2?
Blonde: Hum… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Hum… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Hum… I don’t know.
Officer: OK, thanks for coming. We’ll be in touch tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
Two blondes are working on a house. One of them is nailing down floor panels and each time he reached into his nail pouch, he’d pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figured this was worth looking into and asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
His pal explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed up, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the floor then I nail it in!”
The second blonde got really upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed up aren’t defective! They’re for the ceiling panels!”
A blonde is at school and the teacher asks her, “If I have 18 potatoes and I divide them equally between 6 people, how would you do it?”
“Difficult,” says the blonde “I guess I’d boil them, then mash them.”
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other was in the cup. They tried to figure out which ball belonged to whom, since they were both using a number three they were unable to decide. So they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, “OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?”
A blonde decides to try horse riding even though she’s had no previous experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but can’t seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup! She’s at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is stuck against the ground. She’s moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune; the Woolworth’s manager sees her and shuts off the power.
A blonde replaces all the windows in her house with expensive, energy efficient double-glazing.
Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor who says, “The double-glazing I put in for you still hasn’t been paid for.”
The blonde replies, “Now don’t try to pull a fast one with me. Just because I’m blonde that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. The salesman told me that after a year they pay for themselves.”
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde are talking one day.
The Russian says, “You know, we were the first in space!”
The American says, “Well, we were the first on the moon!”
To which the blonde replies, “That’s nothing, Blondes are going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American look at each other and smile.
“You can’t land on the sun, you’ll burn up!” says the Russian.
The Blonde replies, “Duh! We’re not stupid! We’re going when it’s night time!”
A cop sees a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight.
“Can I help you?” he asks.
“I dropped my diamond ring and I’m looking for it,” she replies.
“Did you drop it right here?”
“Nope,” says the blonde, “but it’s easier looking for it here as the light’s better.”
A young ventriloquist is touring small town pubs and clubs. One night he’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair. She shouts,
“OK pal, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Blonde women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community. It’s your kind that continue to perpetuate discrimination against blonde women in the name of humor.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
A girl is visiting a blonde friend that’s just bought two new dogs.
“What are their names?” asks the girl.
“Rolex and Timex,” says the blonde.
“They’re a couple of unusual names. Why did you call them that?”
“Because,” says the blonde, “They’re watch dogs!”
A blonde was speeding when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman “What does a driver’s license look like?”
Irritated, the blonde cop said, “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.”
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn’t.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down!”
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?” The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on “Science & Nature.” Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”
“Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But, what happened to your other ear?”
“The jerk called back!”
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consisted of “yes/no” questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
“I finished the exam in half an hour. But I’m rechecking my answers.”
A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, “What are you doing?”
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, hello! You need to roll up the windows first.”
A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde, “that’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. “What’s that?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied, “Two Popsicle and some coffee.”
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”
The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, “Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.”
“Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
“What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” he asks.
“No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!”
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!”