I'm a nice guy... generally speaking. I don't look to cause trouble and I sincerely try to go throughout life without being a complete dick, but in this day and age of continually asinine behavior, there are simply times when I feel completely drained and dumbfounded due to the stupidity of others. There are currently just so MANY idiots in this world that I feel the need to vent a little bit here. It's been a while, so...
PARKING LIKE AN IDIOT-
What the hell is it with the way people park? Is it that fucking hard to use only ONE damned parking space? I can understand with a trailer or mobile-home that you may need to take up a few spots but these derelict fuck-wads that simply wing it and say "Good-nuf" really need to be blocked in, have their vehicle keyed, or simply be kicked in the balls a few times. It ain't that hard folks! You're driving a fucking Saturn for Christ's sake! And if you just HAD to have that F-350 Dually yet you still haven't mastered your parking skills, than seriously... work on that! If it's the fact that you just don't give a shit, then "Fuck You for being such a dick". I do understand if you're parking way the fuck out in the far-reaches of the parking lot that it's not that big of a deal but otherwise, the painted lines are there for a fucking reason! PARK COHERENTLY! Shit... You have plenty of leeway within that space to cock your fuckin' Prius off to the side and inconvenience another driver by blocking their door a little bit if you so desire, but for Christ's sake... at least stay inside the fucking lines, Dumb-ass!
GIRL SCOUTS-
Judas Priest! I swear to God... I SEE YOU!.. and I see your little green-clad varmint sisters all standing there! I see the damn table loaded to the Heavens with boxes of your overpriced cookies! I get it! You wanna sell this shit to support whatever in the fuck thing you're involved in... saving the endangered lesbian sea-tortoises or trying to get airfare to Borneo or whatever. I GET IT!!! If I'm coming into a store, and then leaving that store, and maybe coming back into that store again ( because I forgot to buy aspirin... which I ironically didn't need before you little shits started yammering at me to buy your crap), and coming back out again... I assure you that I DON'T NEED THE SWEET LITTLE STARVING WAIF ROUTINE THAT YOU GIRLS HAVE OBVIOUSLY REHEARSED TO THE POINT OF SCREEN ACTORS GUILD NOMINEE being shoved down my throat!!! If I want your fucking cookies, I'll buy them! Don't hound me repeatedly until you feel that I'm worn down enough to cave in. If you don't recognize me by now ( despite that you've seen me FOUR FUCKING TIMES IN THE LAST 15 MINUTES), then take a fucking Polaroid so that you don't wind up obliviously whining repeatedly at the same people over and over again to buy your crap! I get it.
RAZOR MANUFACTURERS-
Is it too damned much to ask that the companies that make razors just design a God Damned razor that is SIMPLE and CHEAP??? When in the fuck did we become a society of men that need to have comfort-grip handles, multi-position pivoting heads, and 17 damn blades all intricately incorporated to deliver the smoothest and and most Utopian shaving experience in the entire Soar System??? What happened to a single blade razor with the ability to shave a face adequately? Even the cheap ones these days all seem to come equipped with this pointless "special aloe conditioning strip" infused into them. Well DUH!.. believe it or not I ALREADY USE SLIPPERY SHIT ON MY FACE BEFORE EVEN STARTING THE SHAVING PROCESS!! It's called shaving cream... or sometimes I'll just use soap because I'm a regular guy... not some lame-ass fairy fucking princess! SO now, because all these weird-ass razors have this built-in slick as shit strip along the top edge, I can't fit the fucker up under my nose anymore without pulling my upper lip down underneath my God-damned chin! Fuck you! Design a damned razor without all the stupid aerodynamic techno shit for cheap and I'll fucking buy it and use it successfully... without winding up looking like I ran my damned face through a paper shredder. Is it time to just go back to straight razors? I'm sure that was good enough for John Wayne and Marlin Brando. Maybe a cut-throat and a strop is the answer... I dunno.
BUMPER STICKERS BECAUSE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOUR KID-
Are you fuckin kidding me? You need for some self-absorbed, pointless, weird reason to announce to the rest of the world that your son or daughter is a fucking cheerleader, at Dumb Fuck Intermediate, and that her or his name is Kylie? WHY??? What in the hell void are you trying to fill? Why tell every person that looks at the back of your fucking car all about your damned kid? Should they be impressed that you are obviously a better parent than average? Is it so that your offspring feels validated by the fact that complete strangers will know what activities they're involved in? Judas! NO ONE FUCKING CARES WHAT YOUR CHILD'S NAME IS OR WHERE THEY GO TO SCHOOL OR WHAT SPORTS THEY PLAY!... well... except for maybe a pedophile. You DO know that there are perverts and stalkers and weirdo's in this world, right? Idiots. Oh, and I couldn't care less that you have a fucking Shitzu either.
NON STOP TEXTERS-
I swear... It has become so God-damned irritating to watch out for YOU just because YOU can't watch out for YOURSELF! If you can't pull your damned head out of the drama that encompasses your fucking i-phone, then guess what?... That precious little life-line is gonna go flying when I "accidentally" run into you while walking through the store. I'm not going to jump out of your way to avoid a collision. If you can't look up long enough to navigate through a God-damned store or parking lot, then don't expect me to give a shit when my shoulder knocks you the fuck down. The degree of self-absorption must be off the charts for you to not even give a flying fuck what you're fixin' to walk into. Put the damned thing in your pocket or stand off to the side, because I'm coming through and I don't give one tattered fuck if I run into you or not. It's a two way street, people. Use some common sense and watch for me and I will do the same for you. I'm courteous as shit... just be slightly coherent and we'll get along just fine, dumb-ass.
WEATHER FORECASTERS-
You overpaid bags of hot dog shit should take a God-damned pay-cut every time that you GROSSLY misinform people about the weather. Seriously... I'm not talking about the difficult task of predicting a long-range forecast... not talking about 6 months out, or even a week out... but come on! Within two days you go from predicting zero rain chance, to 100% rain chance and then back down to zero. Shit... say "It's a 50/ 50 shot, folks... dunno" and call it good. And each time, be sure to take that fucking pay-cut since with the billions upon billions of dollars in sophisticated technologically advanced meteorological equipment that you use, you STILL can't get it even CLOSE to right. The only... and I mean the ONLY thing that y'all don't botch too bad is the summer months where for week after week you already know damn well that it's gonna be hot as fuck with absolutely no rain in sight. Who the hell can't predict that?
RETAIL STORE EMPLOYEES-
I've said stupid shit before and I've been wrong before. We all have. But God dammit... Don't feed me some bullshit story to make yourself appear like some kind of educated professional. It's just sad and pretty damned aggravating when I ask you a basic question, just to wind up listening to you prattle on about how your cousin, Billy "used this product" or "did it this way and didn't burn the house down". Well... from your brief description of Billy, you both sound like a couple of mentally incapacitated morons with absolutely no damned idea of what you're doing anyway. Just tell me that you have no fucking clue what that is or if that will safely work. Don't make shit up just to make a sale or because you'd rather go help-out that chick with the big tits. I'm not your average ignorant fuck-stick that's gonna just believe any damn thing that I'm told. If it doesn't make sense or if it seems like a load of crap then I'm going to call you out on it and seek answers elsewhere. Even at the fucking seafood counter... Don't tell me that the difference between the silver salmon and the sockeye salmon is that "neither of 'em tastes too bad". What the fuck kind of comparison is that?? Have you ever even eaten salmon? No? Ah.. That explains it. That's all you needed to say, you degenerated cock-sucker.
SELFIE WHORES-
Holy shit! JUST STOP ALREADY!... or get a fucking friend who just loves taking your picture as much as you do!! What in the fuck goes through your head when you decide that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE needs to see your stupid-ass face sporting some kind of weird expression. "I'm in the bathroom and I just put on my lipstick... SELFIE TIME! I'm standing in Target wearing a silly hat... SELFIE TIME! I'm at Chili's eating a salad... SELFIE TIME!!!". Who in the FUCK is so damned impressed or interested in your stupid habits and lame adventures that you feel the constant need to randomly snap pictures of yourself and forward it to everyone you know?? Are you that self-absorbed, bored, and empty-headed that you seriously think that this is an entertaining thing?? The people that you send all these selfies to or wherever in the fuck you're posting them... they need to tell you to STOP IT or if they themselves are just so damned thrilled by your stuck-up mindless actions, then all you dumb weird fucks need to be rehabilitated by forcibly looking at a picture of someone's big hairy dirty ugly asshole each and every day until you all ultimately break-down and finally move on from this senseless addiction.
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