Good news! Tessa has been cast in the fanfiction sidebar!
Maybe she was before, but I’m almost 100% certain that there was no listing for Tessa the last time I looked at this. But whatever. The role of Tessa has been filled by Indiana Evans:
As some of you have pointed out in the comments, Anna Todd’s bio lists her favorite book as Fifty Shades of Grey (“No!” readers cry out in shock. “I would have never guessed!”). So I find it really fun that Tessa is someone Ana would hate: a blonde.
In other news, I can’t figure out how to make the quote feature not be all italics, all the time, so any use of italics in the fic will be represented by underlined text.
CHAPTER 4.
When we last left Tessa, she had just come from her girls-only dorm’s inexplicably co-ed shower to find the rude brunette guy she met the day before– whom I am calling The Bad Boy Who Lived– lying on her roommate’s slutty, slutty bed. She asks where Steph is, and he just smiles and mumbles at her while she stands there in her towel.
“Okay? Well could you like.. leave or something so I can get dressed?” I realize he hasn’t even noticed I am in a towel, well maybe he has but it doesn’t phase him.
This is a really weird homophone, and it throws a lot of writers. A phase is a passage of time. To faze is to disturb or unsettle. The more you know.
I’m not going to approach punctuation in that paragraph, though.
“Don’t flatter yourself, it’s not like I am going to look at you,” he scoffs and rolls over, his hands covering his face. He has a thick English accent that I didn’t notice before. Probably because he was too rude to speak to me.
No, it’s probably because he’s from England.
Tessa wonders why The Bad Boy Who Lived is in Pullman, WA, and I’m like, “Because this is 50 Shades of Grey fanfic.
Maybe he isn’t straight, that’s what he meant by “it’s not like I am going to look” , either that or he thinks I am ugly.
Yup, he thinks you’re fucking hideous.
Those are the only two modes for men who don’t want to look at you when you’re wearing a towel. Gay, or thinking you’re ugly. The fact that he just told you he wouldn’t watch you change when you made it clear that you didn’t want him to watch you change has nothing to do with it.
When The Bad Boy Who Lived bitches about her taking too long, she snaps:
“Could you be any more disrespectful? I mean honestly, you’re my room while I change and you have the nerve to be rude to me? I did nothing to you, what is your problem?” I shout, my voice at a much higher volume than I had wanted but by the surprised look on his face, my words had the intended effect on the tattooed boy.
He was her room. I think those of you with photoshop skills know what I need here.
In the very next paragraph, we see that no, her words did not have the intended effect, because he laughs at her. This is when Steph comes home, complaining of a hangover, to apologize for not telling Tessa that Harry would be coming over.
I would like to think me and Steph could make our living arrangement work, maybe even build some sort of friendship, but with her choice of friends, I’m just not sure anymore.
If you read that in Morgan Freeman’s voice, it sounds like a really bitchy version of The Shawshank Redemption.
Here’s the problem with YA/NA heroines who dislike all the females around them: they dislike them way too soon. There’s never any real cause for the dislike. Yeah, Steph has tattoos and piercings and she decorated her dorm room faster than any mortal should be capable of, but Tessa has spent less than an hour with this girl. How does she know that a simple conversation wouldn’t fix every thing?
Tessa tells Steph that she thinks Harry is rude and also Steph’s boyfriend, and Steph laughs about that because Harry is a total jerk. Then she invites Tessa to a party, because hey, who wouldn’t want to party with someone who is the human equivalent of a dropped ice cream cone melting on a hot sidewalk?
“Parties aren’t really my thing. Plus I have to go to get some things for my side of the room,” I look at Harry who, of course is acting as if neither of us are in the room with him.
Since the only two people in this paragraph are Harry and Tessa, he’s looking at Tess and himself as though neither of them are in the room with him. Also, what kind of excuse is that? Okay, so you have to go to Target. The party isn’t going to be at eight in the morning. Then she says she planned to take the bus and Skype Noah. Look, If you don’t want to go, say no. When you give pushy people an excuse, they can work around it. For example, they could tell you that The Bad Boy Who Lived should drive you to the store on his way to his place. So you can fall in love.
I’ve only known her for a day, should I trust her? I know that despite how tough she looks, she is quite sweet. But a party?
You’ve actually only known her for two conversations, and you didn’t like her in either of them. So how do you know she’s “quite sweet?”
“I don’t know.. and no I don’t want Harry to drive me to the store,” I say. Harry rolls over across Steph’s bed with an amused expression.
“Oh no! I was really looking forward to hanging out with you,” he dryly remarks, his voice so full of sarcasm that I want to throw a book at his cocky head.
There is a real big chance that I’m going to like Harry more than I liked Christian Grey. We seem to have something in common here.
Also.. does this author think that ellipses are just two periods?
Harry says he knows Tessa won’t go to the party, so of course this changes Tessa’s mind, because she’ll be damned if this guy she doesn’t really know or like is going to assume stuff about her.
50 Shades/Twilight similarities:
Set in Washington
Heroine’s hair is unruly
Single parent
Heroine’s name phonetically similar to Ana/Bella.
Alice/Mia character
Clumsy heroine
Encouragement of internalized misogyny/slut shaming
“Maybe he’s gay!”
The not-friend friend
Random reader comment from this chapter:
“IT’S GOING DOWN, IM YELLING TIMBA!!!!”
I bet you a hundred bucks “Timba” is also the name of the Timon/Pumba ‘ship that is undoubtedly out there.
CHAPTER 5.
“Where is the party? Is it within walking distance?” I ask her as I align my books on the shelf into alphabetical order. It’s a habit.
Sounds like the party is riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight here.
Steph tells Tessa that the party is a frat party, and that Niall will drive them. And Tessa thinks:
I’m grateful it won’t be Harry, even though I know he will be there somehow riding with him seems unbearable. Why is he so rude? If anything he should be grateful that I am not judging him for the way he has destroyed his body with holes and tattoos.
Excuse me?
Maybe I am judging him a little, but not to his face at least.
Harry is rude, but Tessa feels that other people should be grateful that she keeps her shitty judgmental comments to herself? And that somehow makes her polite? Even if you’re just an asshole on the inside, you’re still an asshole.
But don’t worry, Tessa has a totally good reason for this attitude:
It is just that I was raised in a home where tattoos and piercings are not expectable, I always had to have my hair combed, my eyebrows plucked, and my clothes clean and ironed. It is just the way it is.
No, Tessa, that’s “just the way it is” for you. I’m sorry that you grew up in a house where tattoos and piercings weren’t expectable, but it’s not expectable for you to assume that your mother’s values should be the values of everyone on the planet.
Especially since your mother sounds scarier every time she’s mentioned. What’s going to happen when Tessa dutifully confesses to her mother that she’s been to a party?
Steph asks Tessa to help her pick her outfit, because the author wanted another opportunity to slam whoever it is in the author’s life that this character is supposed to be an avatar for. Or maybe just “alternative” girls everywhere.
The dresses she picks out are so inappropriate that I keep looking around for a hidden camera and someone to jump out and tell me it is a joke, I cringe at each one and she laughs, obviously finding my disgust humorous. The dress, no, piece a scrap material.. she chooses is a black dress made out of what looks like fishnet with her red bra showing through, at least the bottom is solid but I get the feeling she would wear it even if it wasn’t. The dress barely reaches the tops of her tighs and the heels of her shoes are at least four inches. Her flaming red hair is pulled into a wild bun with curls escaping all over and she has more eyeliner on than ever.
The dress is made out of what looks like fishnet. But it’s such a subtle material, Tessa can’t tell if it is fishnet. You know, because it resembles so many other fabrics.
“Did your tattoos hurt?” I ask her as I pull out my maroon dress.
HOLD. UP. Back up the fucking truck. Maroon is not that far from plum. Is this is the Sisterhood of The Traveling Dress? A little club made up of fucking horrible heroines who just steal each other’s dress over and over? I would suggest that Tessa stole it from a friend at home, but let’s get real, nobody is going to be Tessa’s friend, and she’s too good for everybody, anyway.
Also, why do people ask if tattoos hurt? Everyone knows they hurt. Why is that the first topic of conversation? “Did those hurt?” No, I had general fucking anesthesia for these. Do you think that’s overkill? Maybe next time I’ll just get a local.
“The first one sort of did, but not as bad as you would think. It’s almost like a bee stinging you over and over,” she shrugs. Ouch, that sounds very unpleasant.
Yeah, well, you sound unpleasant, Tessa. You’re making me long for Anastasia Rose Steele. You make her look interesting and friendly. Also, a bee sting? I don’t know if Anna Todd has any tattoos, but if she does, her experience is way more severe than mine. I’d rather get tattooed on the inside of my armpit than get stung by a bee, because it would hurt less.
So, what’s Tessa wearing to the party?
The maroon material is soft but sturdy, the same material business suits are made of. The collar goes up to my neck and the sleeves are three quarter length, reaching just under my elbows.
Okay, my inner Sophie Scaife just bristled at “the same material business suits are made of,” because, you know. That one material that business suits are made out of. Steph warns Tessa that her modest clothing won’t fly at a frat party. The skirt ends below her knees, for christ’s sake. Steph offers to loan Tessa something, and of course she refuses.
50 Shades/Twilight similarities:
Set in Washington
Heroine’s hair is unruly
Single parent
Heroine’s name phonetically similar to Ana/Bella.
Alice/Mia character
Clumsy heroine
Encouragement of internalized misogyny/slut shaming
“Maybe he’s gay!”
The not-friend friend
Increasingly naïve heroine
Plum
maroon dress.
Random reader comment from this chapter:
“Lmao dis bitch is dressed like a damn nun”
CHAPTER 6.
After a surprising amount of time, we finally get the inevitable scene where the heroine looks into a mirror and describes herself to the reader:
My eyes always look a little too large for my face but I prefer to wear minimal makeup, I usually just put on a little mascara and lip gloss. I am pretty proud of how well I take care of my skin so why hide it if I don’t need to?
Well, hellooooooo Anita Blake, who never needs base. But she does borrow eyeliner from Steph. Not the purple that Steph suggests, but a nice, sensible, non-slutty black that she puts on in “the thinnest possible line.”
“Your eyes are so unique, want to trade,” she jokes.
She has beautiful green eyes, why would she want to trade with me?
Tessa wears white Toms to this party. WTF. They go outside to get in Niall’s car, and everybody is staring at them. God, why does that sound so familiar? The whole “everybody is watching them when in reality nobody would be that interested” trope? I feel like I’ve read that somewhere before…
“You do know that we are going to a party not a church right Theresa?” Harry says with a smirk.
I guess we know who left that comment on the last chapter.
Tessa tells him not to call her Theresa, and she wonders how he knows her full name, which she hates being called. Of course, that’s all he’ll call her from here on out.
After what feels like ages we finally pull up to a huge two story house with overgrown vines sprawling up the side. THETA XI is painted in black letters on the massive house. It looks like something from a movie.
Yeah. There are definitely houses in movies, Tessa. You’ve got a sharp eye.
This is a detail that Ms. Todd is actually pretty close on, except for the ivy. This is the Theta Xi house at the University of Washington:
I watch as multiple people high five and shake Harry’s hand. No one else that I see is covered in tattoos like him, Niall and Steph. Maybe I can make some friends here tonight after all.
Two problems I have with this paragraph. First of all, either things have really changed since my college days, or it’s still extremely unrealistic that heavily tattooed, pierced kids with wild colored hair and fishnet shirts are going to be welcomed with high-fives at a frat house. But again, I’m older than the author/characters. Second, is that Tessa’s number one requirement for friendship? That people meet the uniform code?
And you know what? They’re not even in the house yet. They’re just outside on the lawn. They don’t make it into the freaking party before the chapter ends.
50 Shades/Twilight similarities:
Set in Washington
Heroine’s hair is unruly
Single parent
Heroine’s name phonetically similar to Ana/Bella.
Alice/Mia character
Clumsy heroine
Encouragement of internalized misogyny/slut shaming
“Maybe he’s gay!”
The not-friend friend
Increasingly naïve heroine
Plum
maroon dress
Everybody is staring at the heroine
You don’t know you’re beautiful
Don’t need makeup to cover up
Random reader comment from this chapter:
I actually think what she chose is a good choice I mean like wearing 3 inch heals and a tiny dress… That pretty much just asking to get raped.
Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary peeps, I present to you the After target readership.