ARE FAMILY GATHERINGS A BLESSING OR A BANE?
WORDS ANITA OTHMAN
LET’S FACE IT, as many of us experienced in the past week, family reunions can be dreaded and dreadful affairs. Our relatives are the ones who know how to push our buttons the most. No subject is off limits and nothing is taboo in the unforgiving arena of the home.
If you are single, childless or even blessed with one child, you will be questioned. If you are separated, divorced, have lost or gained weight since the last time they saw you, you will be judged without mercy.
Sadly, other than clenching your jaw and muddling through it until it’s time to go home, there is no other option . What can you do if the relative who is giving you grief is your 80-year-old grandmother.
Take my friend Kamal, a 38-year-old single lawyer who lives in the US but makes his annual pilgrimage to his hometown in Malaysia every Idul Fitri. He loves the festivities but admits that he loathes the constant interrogation on his single status. What embarrasses him most is the unnatural number of single women who suddenly appear in his parents’ home when he is in town.
The best way out of the situation he claims, is to channel all his energies on food. He believes that piling on the pounds will make him unattractive in their eyes. However, he ruefully admits that sometimes his plan backfires because, “there are mothers who will push their daughters who are wannabe domestic goddesses to me instead”.
Kate Hanley, author of The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide, writes that the best way to approach family gatherings is to come prepared with a strategy that can help you to stay open-hearted to the people you love. She recommends accentuating the positive, developing the art of letting go and staying calm at all times.
Try as she might, another friend, Cindy, has difficulty in maintaining her composure during Christmas family gatherings. Invariably, she says, “the child in me will rear its ugly head and I would be envious of my perfect cousin all over again”.
At times, toxic relatives can be the death of us – especially those who brag about their wealth, expensive holidays, kids’ grades, exclusive schools that they are in and properties bought and sold with a profit. As the late American comedian George Burns put it, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family … in another city”.
Ironically, Burns has a point. Nothing can beat a good reunion if family members who live in different parts of the world, see each other just once or twice a year and steer clear from taboo topics. The adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder” applies just as much to family get-togethers. It can be a great occasion to reconnect with siblings and to re-relive old childhood stories.
Elder family members feel particularly happy to see such large gatherings. With good reason, too, as they approach the autumn of their lives, nothing can be sadder than to spend the holidays alone.
For the younger ones, such events present a chance to not just get to know all their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents, but more importantly to understand their roots and identity. All the books and parental lectures in the world cannot compete against a real world example, when they see everyone around them practicing what they preach.
This can run the gamut of activities from praying to dressing to even cooking. Some of the top chefs in the world today cut their teeth in the kitchens of their families preparing family meals.
In fact many experts extol the sharing of family meals because it provides an experience that touches all of our senses – sight, touch, taste, smell and listening to warm laughter or good conversation.
Family meals help provide a regular, consistent opportunity to create a shared experience that is meaningful and offers a sense of belonging to all Families are after all, a mixed bag – unless someone’s behavior is destructive and dangerous, most people are a mixture of good and bad and it pays to embrace the differences. When people gather in a mutually respectful, safe and joyful way, the time together can make a huge difference in creating deeper connections, developing stronger relationships and having lasting memories that warm our hearts throughout our lives.