Why are we constantly angry and resentful?
Everyone gets angry. Some experience anger more intensely, or more often, than others. No matter the frequency of your anger, it’s a negative experience that disrupts harmony. It’s akin to shouldering a burden; the longer we carry this burden, the heavier it feels. To break free from the burden of your anger and resentment, look within yourself.
1. We choose NOT to communicate our feelings.
We harbour anger and resentment and let those build up within us. We choose NOT to communicate our feelings. Because “Why should I speak first?” Because we think we are always right, we are the “victims”, or we have been treated badly first. Because the first to speak, “loses”. We end up either ignoring the other party or treating them in a negative manner because we feel that our anger and resentment are justified. This behaviour is ego-driven. We fail to consider the other party’s point of view, or a possible explanation for their behaviour. The situation will NOT resolve itself. In choosing not to communicate our feelings, we continue to be trapped in a vicious cycle of negativity and anger, a cycle of OUR OWN CREATION, controlled by our ego.
2. We lack awareness.
When you’re ANGRY, you experience a disruption of harmony. When you feel something as intense as anger, you WON’T want to pause to think, or slow down. You’ll react and retort because your ego has conditioned you to behave this way. That’s how ego ruins your relationships and we sometimes end up regretting having said or done things out of anger. Next time you experience anger, STOP. Lead yourself to AWARENESS. Be CONSCIOUS of your feelings. “Yes, I’m angry now.” Trace your anger – is it ego-driven? To fulfil a need to be RIGHT? Are you using anger to mask disappointment arising out of EXPECTATIONS? Are you BLAMING? Assigning RESPONSIBILITY to someone else for the way YOU feel? Always remember that YOU, and ONLY YOU, are the creator and owner of your circumstances.
3. We think the other party doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
Sometimes, we continue to hold on to our anger and resentment because we feel that the other party doesn’t deserve forgiveness. They don’t deserve to be forgiven for the wrongdoings they have committed against us. Some of us may have misunderstood the meaning, and act, of forgiving. When you forgive someone, you no longer feel angry or resentful towards him. However, most of us may equate “forgiving” with “absolving”. For me, this was the biggest reason for my unwillingness and inability to “forgive”. What I’d like to tell you is this: Forgiving someone is NOT the same as absolving him of the responsibility of his actions. The act of forgiving someone is done NOT FOR THEM, but FOR YOU. When you truly forgive, whatever they’ve done no longer affects you; YOU feel a sense of freedom, having broken the shackles YOU placed on yourself in the first place. When you hold on to your anger, they feel NOTHING; all you’re doing is assigning power to the person you’re angry at – you let him dictate the way you feel!
4. We feel powerless without anger.
Some of us may use anger as a coping or defense mechanism. In situations when we feel powerless, insecure, guilty, or out of control, we resort to using anger to make us feel like we’re taking action about the situation. Anger gives us a false sense of “power”, of “action”, of “being in control”, of not being “weak”. Anger worsens the situation because our minds are consumed with thoughts of negativity, revenge, resentment. If we allow ourselves to indulge in anger, if we choose to let bitterness engulf us, we’ll continue to be trapped in the vicious cycle mentioned in point #1 above. All the time spent devoting our energy towards such negativity is wasted because we do not benefit, nor become better people, from it.
5. We are blind.
Instead of nipping anger in the bud, we choose to let anger and resentment grow in our hearts. Instead of confronting the issue to explore possibilities of solving it, we choose to keep our feelings to ourselves and continue to be trapped. Instead of using our precious time here to work on something good, on bettering ourselves, we choose to self-victimise, blame, and empower others in an endless loop. That’s because we are BLIND to the fact that WE are the creators and owners of our circumstances. We fail to take responsibility for our own situations. It’s so much easier to blame external factors for our anger, it’s so much more convenient to justify our rage by telling ourselves we’ve been forced to feel this way.
When we can’t see clearly, we let ego lead the way. Ego leads us upon destructive paths. It feeds us lies, and tells us to fulfil its demands so that it can continue to thrive and rule our lives. Don’t let ego destroy you any further; don’t let anger consume you. You have a choice – to BEAT IT, or LET IT RULE. xx J