Is your ego making you unhappy?
Is happiness a choice? If it is, then why do we choose to be unhappy?
If happiness is not a choice, then is it a feeling, an attitude, a perspective, a result of our actions, a state of mind, a journey?
It is, and it isn’t.
Whilst we all have varying views on what “happiness” is, I’m going to focus on one possible root of unhappiness – our ego.
I ponder a lot. As I approach the end of my life (aren’t we all?), I’ve been giving happiness a lot more thought. Ego thrives on control, power, validation. Because ego is insecure, it often lies to us so that we will do what it wants to keep it alive.
In seeking to fulfill ego’s demands, we become unhappy.
1. Constantly worrying about the future.
I’ve always been a planner, a creature of routine and habit. For everything I do, I like to have something drawn up; a plan to follow; even better, a fixed routine. I get worried if I don’t. What I didn’t realise is this – my behaviour could stem from a need for control. So I often think of and wonder about tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, I think of the day after tomorrow. Planning ahead is good, having a routine is great, but obsessing is not cool. There has to be a balance. By trying to control everything, I’m actually controlling nothing.
2. Feeling anxious often.
I think of the future so much, I practically live in it. The future is made up of my worries, thoughts of what may happen, what may not happen, how I’ll deal when it does happen, what I’ll do if what I’d anticipated does not happen, what if my plan doesn’t unfold, what if it does. Tiring, isn’t it? To be constantly feeling anxious just because you don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, even if you do have a plan. What if this, what if that?
3. Living in the past.
We all have plenty of memories. Whilst I reminisce a lot about good times I’ve had and happy memories shared (many of which are immortalised in photos!) and smile because of those memories, I also tend to think of my darkest days – of being treated badly, of nasty encounters – and feel sad. I should neither compare happy memories with the present, nor let unhappy memories affect me any further. Ego tells us to keep reliving what has passed. I should learn to distinguish between what ego tells me from what’s real. I can still treasure good memories without indulging in the past; I can stop reopening old wounds which keep hurting me again and again and do nothing to help me move forward.
4. Not appreciating the present moment.
Ego keeps me occupied with the past and the future. But the point is to live in the present moment. However happy yesterday might have been, I’ve got the ability to create happiness today too. However anxious I may be about tomorrow, worrying would not alter anything. By occupying my mind with anything but the present, I’m actually “short-changing” myself of the infinite possibilities of the now. It’s up to me to create something out of now.
5. Seeking external validation.
Ego demands praise and validation in order to feel powerful. Ego demands superiority. By chasing after such praise and validation, we sometimes end up choosing what others want instead of what we really want. That’s because we are afraid of what others might think of us. We often end up comparing ourselves with others. When we obtain approval, we feel like we’ve met a certain set of standards. When we receive praise, we feel fulfilled. However, these are manifestations of insecurity. We can’t, and shouldn’t try to please everyone. If we peg our happiness to external factors, we can’t be truly happy.
The above are just some thoughts on ego and its effect on our lives. I have so much more to share, but will break those up into separate posts. In my last post, I wrote about why I needed a social media detox. I’d wasted too much time online; time which could have been spent living in REAL LIFE. I hope my posts will help you see clearly what you’ve missed, too. xx J