If you’d rather lick a subway handrail than shop for Mother’s Day cards, this one’s for you.
I have to admit, I get pretty excited about Mother’s Day. I’m a mom! It’s MY day!
But Mother’s Day is not just about getting to sleep in, or being served breakfast in bed, or getting to take a day off from picking the lice eggs from your children’s scalps. It’s also about telling the other mothers in your life how you feel about them.
And that isn’t always the easiest thing to do…
…especially if you have unresolved issues. And frankly, who doesn’t?
I usually make my own cards for my mom, step-mom, and mother-in-law.
No, it’s not because I’m crafty and/or cheap, although both of those are true.
It’s because I can never find cards that really fit the way I feel about any of my three moms. Every card I pick up is either too sappy, or inaccurate, or just not me.
And a vast majority of my girlfriends feel the same way.
So we got to brainstorming about sentiments we would really like to see the next time we’re standing in the card aisle of Target, cursing the day we were born, and wondering why there isn’t a mass marketed Passive Aggressive Greetings brand.
Here’s what happened next. Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Thanks for bringing my husband into the world. Your job is done now so back off. Have a great Mother’s Day.
Mom…do you know how hard it was to find a card that doesn’t say “You’re the best mom ever,” or “I don’t know what I would do without you?” Pretty hard. But look! I found one!
Dearest Step Mother, you’re always on my mind…especially when I’m trying to decide what to eat and I hear your voice in my head criticizing my figure. Thanks for the body image issues.
Dear MIL…stop saying “You took my last son…” You should be thanking me. You’re welcome.
Dear Mom, on this day of all days, I want to say thank you for always giving me that look that says “YOU CAN DO BETTER!” even when I scored a 95 on a test or came in 2nd place in an essay contest. Your special look is burned into my mind so that I see it dozens of times each day as I fall short of my potential. And I remember, it’s not good enough—I should try harder. Happy Mother’s Day.
MIL, this Mother’s Day I want to tell you how much you mean to me. But, I can’t because BITCH I HATE YOU.
Thank you for the $5, Grandma. I used it to buy you this Mother’s Day card.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. This year let’s trip over ourselves trying to accommodate each other so that neither of us gets what we really want.
Mother, thank you for telling my daughter masturbation causes hand paralysis. I closed my hand in the door and she came home to me wearing a brace. Thank you for that conversation.
Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who taught me everything I know. With love, from the stupidest human on the planet.
MIL, on this Mother’s Day and always, I’m so very thankful that we live 1,000 miles apart.
Dear Mom, who always embarrassed me as a teenager with your talk-to-everyone-in-the-universe-wherever-we-went schtick. Shit. I’m just like you.
Happy Mother’s Day to a MIL with whom I never expect to have any conversation of substance whatsoever.
Dear Grandma, I love everything about you…except your breath, which makes me wonder if a constipated polecat crawled down your throat and died.
Happy Mother’s Day, Step-Mom! I’ll just assume you like my gift since your oddly smooth forehead can no longer register expression.
MIL, I wish you good health… Because there is no way you’re ever coming to live with me and I don’t want to have that fight with your son.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers, and to all the daughters who survive those mothers. May your parenting choices today translate into gorgeous heart-felt cards tomorrow.
(I’ll call you on Sunday, Mom. Probably.)
Originally published In the Powder Room May 10, 2013.