The 75-year-old woman at the speaker’s table was introduced to the group as having 30+ years of addiction recovery and as a “tells it like it is” kind of storyteller. Her opening was, “I knew I was a drunken slut, but I had no idea I was an alcoholic. That was so much worse.”
The group listening burst into laughter shooting each other knowing glances as only others in recovery could. It wasn’t shameful what our friend had said, it was something we could all relate to or identify with. We have a bond of commonality in recovery, although we have different specific circumstances, we share recklessness and selfishness, and stealing the serenity of others we claim to love.
A quick search of my memory brought forward dozens if not hundreds of episodes that could be classified as “slut like” behavior.
Let me draw a line here, because I don’t want to imply that I am judging anyone’s sexual choices. My preferences and opinions about sex are not important, other than the firm belief that it is a natural biological happening and is to be enjoyed not judged. What I prefer is not anyone’s business, just as others’ preferences are not my business. My use of the term “slut” refers to a person who is harmful or reckless to self or others physically and/or mentally.
The term “drunken slut” is used disparagingly to describe women who are sexually active. Rarely is it used to describe men. Society has a tendency to judge women negatively if they are sexually active. Men are not held to the same standard. Men are encouraged to have as much sex as possible. It is a badge of honor. Women are scorned or ostracized if their behavior is judged to be “too loose”. One of the points of addiction recovery is, for both women and men, to seek to fill a hole in our soul with something other than sex or whatever our addiction is. The addict who becomes aware of this shortcoming and seeks to find a better way of life will fill it with a spirit of love and giving.
We use sex as a crutch to mask our feelings. Drugs, alcohol and sex, as well as other addictions, are only symptoms of the mental health issue all addicts must confront. It is our thinking, fear, anger and guilt; we must come to terms with. These emotions are normal for human beings. Once we embrace them, rather than ignore or mask them, our entire life improves. We are no longer ashamed of our sexual activities.
Many times my sexual affairs were purely driven by my need for approval or power. It was not uncommon for me to view sex as a conquest or triumph in which winning meant having sex. The encounter and sexual interplay was without feeling for the other person; I lacked tenderness and giving I was totally absorbed with what I was getting. It was strictly about my sexual pleasure – LUST!
Under most circumstances the more under the influence I was the less it mattered who I was having sex with or what the other person’s needs were. Selfishness reigned supreme. On one occasion, my roommate and I deliberately set out to see who could drink the most shots of Tequila at our neighborhood bar. Somewhere around shot 4 or 6, a young woman joined us as an observer and occasional participant. I started flirting with her, within a short period of time abandoned the drinking contest to take her back to the apartment and have sex. About an hour later, she is lying on top of me and my roommate quietly opens the door not knowing what he might encounter. He stumbled into his bed and I continued having intercourse. I never got her name. She left before morning. Later the conversation with my roommate was about “who won?” I maintained I did because I got laid, and wasn’t that the real contest whenever you go drinking in bars.
Another time I invited my girlfriend to accompany me to see the Ali Foreman Championship Boxing Match, and to bring her roommate. Both women were gorgeous. I suggested they dress in the sexiest attire they had, cling all over me, and flirt with guys in the crowd and just to make sure they were not inhibited. I offered them both Quaaludes which they liked because it was a drug that loosened their sexual inhibitions. It also relaxed my jealous instincts making it easy for me to enjoy them working the crowd, knowing they were both going home with me. My objective was power over everyone; it was more manipulation to make me look good using sex as a status symbol. The night’s event went perfectly; the other guys wanted to be me, I was grandiose and delusional; the attention was stolen from the main event and put onto me. It was my self-centered selfishness without regard for others that culminated in anger by my friends, and sexual conduct that was more lust than love.
Needless to say, such activities are self-centered. They are disrespectful to your partner, selfish in motive, purely self-seeking lust. “We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed,” (Alcoholics Anonymous). Sex is harmful if it is used to mask feelings not express them. My lustful activities displayed a total lack of awareness of others’ feelings; it was proof positive that I cared primarily for my needs lacking empathy for others.
Sex is beautiful when it is consensual and approached with giving pleasure as well as receiving. It then becomes a wonderful experience with results that are enjoyed. Sex isn’t always about being in love, but it can be about giving as well as receiving. “Drunken sluts” know nothing of giving; we are only about receiving, usually to cover our emotions. If a “slut” is covering emotions, why does the label rarely apply to men? I was as much a “drunken slut” as any woman I knew. But I almost never hear men discuss this in recovery. It’s almost always women. Why?
The discovery of giving in a sexual relationship opened me to exceptional love experiences. The change occurred when I began living in recovery, becoming a productive, caring individual. Practicing spiritual principles in my affairs, learning to be gentle, giving, loving instead of stealing peace of mind.
Being an alcoholic turned out to be a blessing, because now my deepest best love is a friendship that has caught on fire. Most importantly, I want it to be quiet understanding, sharing and forgiving. For me, it is loyalty through good times and bad. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
The stories we share in recovery are meant to help others identify with us, and find a path to a new way of living. Taking inventory of our sexual harms is a keystone of this path for women and men. It is not discussed as much as it should be considering the impact it has had on our behavior. In the realm of fear, anger and guilt, sex was a driving force; we sought approval fearing others would not like us, we were angry because of perceived rejection and we felt remorse of not being good enough. Now we jokingly refer to ourselves as “drunken sluts” to ease the pain. There isn’t shame in our past sexual behavior, we just need not forget the path that led us to those encounters. Regret leads to relapse, honestly sharing about our new found sexual journey keeps us in recovery.
The post Drunken Sluts R Us – by Marc J Dunn appeared first on I Love Recovery Cafe.