takes place immediately after the look you gave !
warning for angst n fighting n dramatics
(list of all parts here)
Niall wakes up early, yawns into his elbow and makes it a full thirty seconds before he remembers where he is and peers around suspiciously. Nick’s nowhere to be found, and Cooper’s spooned up behind Harry, snoring into his hair. Harry’s holding a pillow to his chest, brow furrowed in sleep.
Niall stares at them for a minute, head propped on his elbow. Cooper looks cute when he sleeps. Like a kid. Harry looks sweet too, but Harry always looks sweet. Niall’s immune to Harry’s face by now.
He hears a creak of floorboards and twists around to see Nick in the doorway, a steaming mug of tea in hand. He’s in boxers and an oversized jumper with a hole in the hem.
Nick waves. Niall waves back, rubbing his eyes.
“Morning,” Nick whispers. “Want tea?”
Niall nods, sitting up in bed.
“C'mon,” Nick murmurs, jerking his head back at the door, and Niall follows him out of the bedroom. Nick’s dog bounds down the hall, nails clacking, and Niall drops down to say hello.
“Oh, Pig, shh,” Nick scolds. “Let him live, it’s the mornin’.”
The dog’s a bit weird-looking, short sleek fur and a black and white smiley face. Niall likes her. He lets her kiss his face, gives her a scritch behind the ears, and her tail thumps against the floor.
“Sorry, she’s very… loving,” Nick says, huffing a laugh.
“She’s sweet.”
“Yeah, yeah. Piggy, c'mon, enough. Don’t give me that look, I’ve already fed you.”
Niall straightens up, trails behind Nick into the warm small kitchen. He washes his hands as Nick puts the kettle on, sits at a stool at the counter.
“Milk and sugar?” Nick murmurs.
“Both, please. Two sugars.”
“Light and sweet,” Nick says, turning around to grin at him. “Just like you.”
“That’s a fucking terrible line, Grimmy.”
“That has worked on at least three people.”
Niall snorts. “Is light even a compliment? Like you’re saying I’m pale? Thanks, mate.”
Nick considers it for a minute, and then lets out a huff of a laugh. “Alright, fair. The sweet part still stands, though.”
Niall laughs, mumbles a thank-you when Nick slides his tea in front of him. Nick kicks out the stool next to him, puts his head in his hand.
“Shit,” he says. “I think I’m hungover.”
“We weren’t even that drunk.”
“Yeah, well, I’m old and decrepit. Two wines and I’m out.”
“Dunno, think you did alright last night,” Niall says, sipping his tea, and Nick grins at him.
“Was fun,” he says. “He’s nice, your boyfriend. Seems good for you. Good in bed, I must say.”
Niall ducks his head. “Yeah, he’s good.”
“Where’d you two meet? I love cute stories. Everyone I’ve ever dated has just been, like, a mate. And then we sleep together until we get bored of each other. It’s not romantic.”
Niall breathes out a laugh. “Yeah, well. He was my cousin’s friend- is my cousin’s friend, I guess. Down in Melbourne. We met in, uh. 2012?”
“Really?” Nick breathes. “Oh, I thought he was a new addition.”
“Nope.” Niall takes a sip of his tea. “First bloke I ever, like. Did anything with.”
Nick lets out a little breath. Wistful, maybe.
“That’s - wow. He’s been in it for the long haul.”
“Yeah. For ages. It was casual for a long time, like, we’d get together whenever I was down there. And then I, like, I moved down there, and we started up again. And it was just - proper this time. Serious, I guess. We moved in together after half a year or so, when I bought a place down there, and. Yeah.”
He’s blushing by the end. He never has to tell people about them. Everyone in Australia knows, and most of his London friends - well, most of his London friends don’t know he spent five years in the closet, fucking Cooper a month out of the year. They can think whatever they want about how they met, Niall’s got no reason to tell the whole story.
But Nick’s different. There’s no point in lying to Nick, not when Nick’s kept so many secrets for so long.
“That is cute,” Nick says, voice carefully neutral. “He waited for you, it paid off, very romantic. I’d leave out all the casual shagging in the wedding announcement, though.”
His joke falls flat, and he coughs into the crook of his elbow. Niall looks away uncomfortably.
“Think you’ll get married?” Nick asks, after a taut silence.
Niall shrugs with one shoulder.
“He wants kids,” he says.
“And you… don’t?”
Another shrug. Niall can feel his throat going tight the way it does when he thinks about the subject.
“I dunno,” he says, when Nick waits patiently for him to answer. “I dunno. I just - I should, cos I’m getting, like, older, I guess-”
“Oh thanks,” Nick says, low and half-amused.
“That’s not what I- I mean. Cos we’ve been together for a while. And his twin brother’s got a baby girl, and I know Coop wants to, like, have kids the same age so they can be mates. My brother’s got a kid too. I dunno. I just - I dunno.”
“Well, don’t have a kid just cos your siblings have them,” Nick says sensibly. “I’ve been an uncle since I was ten. By that line of reasoning, I should’ve had about a dozen children by now.”
“You’ve been an uncle since you were ten? How’s that work?”
“My sister’s a lot older than me, she had Olivia pretty young, so. We grew up together. Same house and everything.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Mmhm.” Nick takes a sip from his tea mug, pulls a face and stands up to stick it in the microwave. “So. Why don’t you want kids?”
“I never said I didn’t want them.”
“So you do?”
Niall rolls his eyes. “You’re like a bloody reporter. Or Cooper’s mum.”
Nick shudders. “I sound like my mum. I’m sorry.”
He takes his tea out of the microwave, blows on it and takes a sip.
“I dunno what I want,” Niall says, feeling dazed, like he’s still half-asleep. “I have no fucking clue.”
Nick hums. “That’s alright, you know. You’re twenty-five, you don’t have to figure it out yet.”
“But Coop’s not - Cooper wants them. He wants to have a family with me.”
Niall puts his face in one hand. Draws in a shaky breath.
“Why would anyone wanna fucking have kids with me?” he mumbles, and - shit, he didn’t mean to say that. He can’t look at Nick.
“Oh, love,” Nick says, quietly.
“Shut up.” Niall puts his head down on his folded hands. Swallows hard. “Sorry. Just. It’s just been a - a thing, lately. He keeps wanting to talk about it.”
Nick’s feet creak on the floorboards and then he’s rubbing Niall’s back, up and down, very lightly. His hand is warm through Niall’s shirt.
“Didn’t mean to stress you out,” he says softly. “My fault.”
“It’s not your fault.” Niall turns his head to the side, exhales roughly. “It’s just. I’m not even good at that kind of shite. Kids. All that.”
“So don’t have ‘em yet. Or ever. It’s not required, you know.”
Niall lifts his head, stares at Nick. “It’s required to be with Cooper.”
They’re both quiet. Niall swallows painfully, thinks about what he’s just said. Required. Cooper wants - things. Cooper really really wants it, and soon.
Nick opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, and they both hear the bedroom door squeak open.
“Shit,” Niall mutters, scrubbing at his eyes, gulping his tea.
“S'alright,” Nick murmurs, before Harry pokes his head in and Nick says, loud and bright, “Oh, look who it is, nice of you to join us!”
“Hiii,” Harry says, low and hoarse. He presses a wet kiss against Niall’s neck from behind. “Morning, Nialler.”
“Morning, Haz,” Niall says, wiping Harry’s spit off.
“Good morning, Nick Grlmshaw.”
“Morning, Harry Styles.”
Harry pushes Nick back against the refrigerator, kisses his mouth, and Niall tries his hardest not to watch.
Nick pulls away, sticking his tongue out, cheeks pink. “Morning breath.”
Harry just grins, a dimple denting his soft cheek. “Couldn’t help it.”
“Oh, shut up. You want tea?”
“I want bacon,” Harry says, stealing Nick’s mug and sipping from it. “I want a bacon and egg butty.”
“Alright, Mr. Kale Smoothie, look who’s off the health kick.”
“When in London, right?”
“When in London, eat shit, drink tea, and have group sex.”
“Exactly.” Harry beams at Nick, and finishes his tea. Nick snatches the mug back, turns to face the kettle when he sees it’s empty. Niall can see the fond grin curving his mouth.
“You sleep alright, Niall?” Harry asks, sliding onto Nick’s abandoned stool, scraping it closer to the counter.
“Good, yeah.”
“Me too. Isn’t Nick’s bed amazing? Had the best sleeps of my life in that bed.”
“Cos you steal all the covers and leave me bloody freezing.”
Harry just laughs.
“Grim,” he says, going for Niall’s tea next. Niall shields it with one arm, and Harry huffs a sigh. “Make us breakfast?”
“I’ve got nothing in,” Nick sighs, opening his fridge. “Two eggs. Some leftover korma. Could do a frozen pizza, only it’s got fake cheese on it. Fake cheese and spinach.”
Niall pulls a face.
“Niiiick,” Harry moans, covering his face with both hands. “I’m starving.”
Nick sighs.
“You saying you’d like me to go fetch brekkie for all of you?”
Harry peeks through his fingers. Grins. “You are the most dressed out of any of us.”
Nick sputters. “I’m in me bloody boxers!”
“And a shirt!” Harry points out. “That’s halfway to an outfit.”
Nick grumbles to himself, but he goes off down the hallway. That’s their thing, apparently. Nick complains but he does whatever Harry wants.
Harry lets out a long breath and puts his head down on the counter.
“Sleepy,” he mutters.
“Me too,” Niall says, though he isn’t really. “Is Coop still asleep?”
“Think he was just waking up.” Harry lifts his head, peers at him. “I really like him, Niall, like. He’s been good for you.”
“Why does everyone always bloody say that?” Niall says, laughing so it doesn’t seem angry. “Good for me, like I was a fucking trainwreck before we started - started seeing each other.”
Harry blinks at him. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
Niall laughs again. His face is red. “Sounded like it.”
“No one thinks you’re a trainwreck.”
“Not now.”
“You weren’t - you were never a trainwreck. What’s that even supposed to mean? You drank a lot after we split up. Like a lot. Is that not fair to say?”
Niall can’t look at him. “Everyone drinks.”
“Not like that, Niall.” Harry’s voice is soft. “You weren’t doing it for fun.”
“How would you fucking know? You weren’t even there. Ran off to LA as soon as you got free of us.”
Harry goes very quiet. Niall’s throat hurts.
“That’s not fair,” Harry says after a minute.
Niall rolls his eyes. Harry’s standard answer from the old days, whenever one of them was in the mood to fight. That’s not fair. Like a fucking schoolteacher. Like that’s the most important thing they could be, fucking fair.
“Whatever,” Niall mutters.
“Niall-”
“I’m gonna go wake up Coop.”
He leaves Harry in the kitchen, walks down the hallway. Pig follows at his heels, scrabbling on the wooden floor. When he opens the bedroom door she dashes inside and up onto the bed, where Cooper’s sitting up, shoulders hunched, looking exhausted.
He looks up and smiles, eyes scrunched shut. “Mornin’.”
“Morning,” Niall says, trying not to sound the way he feels. He’s already been an idiot with both the other people in the flat, he might as well not pick a fight with his bloody boyfriend too.
“C'mere,” Cooper mumbles, and Niall knees onto the bed, patting Pig’s head. He lets Cooper kiss his cheek.
“Funny dog,” Cooper says sleepily, laughing when Pig puts both paws on Niall’s thigh.
“Her name’s Pig. Nick’s weird.”
“Pig?” Cooper laughs properly. “That’s amazing.”
“Yeah.”
Cooper hums, and flops down onto his back, pulling Niall down with him. Pig curls up at Coop’s side, sticking her nose under a pillow.
“Mm,” Cooper hums. “What time’s our flight leave?”
“Not til six.”
“Alright. We got plans for today?”
“Nick’s getting breakfast, so. We could stay around. Rochelle’s free for lunch, she said we could go over there with our things til we have to leave for Heathrow. Since checkout’s at, like, eleven?”
“What time’s it now?”
Niall lifts his head, peers at Nick’s digital clock. “Half seven.”
“Half seven?” Cooper groans. “Shit.”
Niall huffs a laugh, resting his cheek against Cooper’s chest. “Yeah.”
“You’re up early.”
“Jetlag, I guess.”
“It’s four in the afternoon back home.”
Back home. Niall shuts his eyes. “Yeah. Dunno.”
“Mm.” Cooper sighs, and the bedroom door opens.
“Hiii,” Harry says, sticking his head in. “Nick’s taking orders for breakfast, if you want some.”
He grins, shoving his hair behind one ear, and turns away.
—
Rochelle’s been filming all week and has no food in, so Niall orders up a load of Indian food once they get there.
“Babe?” Rochelle calls, from where she’s getting dressed in the bedroom. “Niall?”
“Yeah,” Niall calls.
“Wanna wake up Alaia from her nap? She’d love to see her Uncle Niall before you go.”
“Yeah, I will.” Cooper squeezes his thigh absently as Niall stands up from the sofa. Cooper’s eyes are glued to an old footy match on telly.
“Be right back. Be warned, Alaia’s mental.”
Cooper grins up at him. “Mental about her Uncle Nialllll-”
“Shut up,” Niall laughs, cuffing the top of Cooper’s head as he goes by.
Alaia’s awake when he goes in, sitting up in bed with an Ipad on her lap. It’s such an adult pose Niall snorts, and she looks up.
“Niall!” she squeals, tossing the iPad aside. It very nearly hits the wall. “You’re here!”
“Came to see you, darlin’,” Niall says, wrapping her in a hug and then lifting her off the bed. She’s bigger than the last time he saw her. A proper little person now. She squirms in his arms til her legs are around his waist.
She puts her arms around his neck, clinging to him like a baby monkey. “Did you bring me any pressies?”
“Course I did. Ordered you a curry. Best present ever.”
“Ni-all,” she giggles, as he carries her down the hall.
“I might’ve brought you a little something from Australia.”
Alaia squeals in his ear.
“But only if you’re good.”
“I’ve been so good,” Alaia promises. “I helped mummy with the washing-up three days in a row.”
“Whoaaaa. That is pretty good.”
“Yeah, so I can get my present. I promise.”
“Yeah, we’ll see,” he says, laughing when she pouts. He rounds the corner.
“Alaia, this is Cooper,” he says, as Cooper waves. “He’s my friend from Australia.”
Rochelle bustles out behind them, adjusting her earrings. “Babe, Cooper and Niall are together like mummy and daddy together.”
“Married?”
“Not yet,” Cooper says, easily, laughing up at Alaia.
“They’re boyfriend and boyfriend,” Rochelle says, dipping in to give Alaia a kiss on the cheek. Alaia scrubs at the lipstick left behind, giggling.
“I haven’t got a boyfriend,” Alaia says. “Daddy says not til I’m thirty.”
“Daddy’s right.” Niall sets her down, and she immediately holds out a hand to Cooper.
“Hello,” she says primly. “My name’s AIaia-Mai Humes.”
“Hi, Alaia, I’m Cooper Williams.” He shakes her hand gently.
“Nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” he says, biting down a grin. His eyes scrunch. “You’re very polite.”
“Oh, she’s Miss Manners,” Rochelle says. “Until we take the Ipad away, then all bets are off, right, babe?”
She laughs fondly, and the doorbell goes. “Ooh, I’ll get that. Thank god, I’m starving.”
—
Rochelle’s belatedly tucking a napkin into the front of Alaia’s korma-spattered dress when she says, absently, “So, loves. When’re you gonna join the club, huh?”
Niall looks up, mouth full. “Hmm?”
Rochelle grins at him, eyebrows raising. “I mean kids. Course you’ve got ages yet, I just. Can just picture you two with a couple chubby toddlers.”
“Roch, Jesus-” Niall starts.
“We’re talking about it,” Cooper says, mouth curving up. “I mean- maybe I’m not supposed to say that, sorry, baby, but. We’re talking about it.”
“Oh my god,” Rochelle says, hand over her heart. “Oh my god, I was sort of joking, but. That’s amazing!”
Niall can’t talk. He takes a gulp of his water, forces it past the lump in his throat.
“My twin brother’s kid just turned two years,” Cooper says, digging for his phone. “Lucy.”
Rochelle coos at a photo. “Oh, she’s darling.”
Cooper looks at the photo, eyes soft. “Yeah, she’s a sweetheart. Be nice for us to have kids round the same age. We live pretty close.”
“So have you decided which way you’ll go? Adoption or what?”
“I mean, I think adoption’s probably the best idea,” Cooper says, casually, like they’ve - like they’ve talked about this at all. Niall can’t look at them. He stuffs a bite of samosa into his mouth. “But it is tough, like. It’s a long process.”
“Oh my god, I’ve heard. Well, not about Australia, but my girlfriend from school and her wife were trying for ages here. So much paperwork.”
“Yeah, no, it’s pretty hard.” Cooper smiles across the table at Alaia, her nose buried in a book as she absently forks chicken into her mouth. “Worth it though, innit.”
“Absolutely,” Rochelle sighs. “Oh, that’s so exciting. Niall, can’t believe you didn’t say anything.”
Niall shrugs, swallowing a mouthful of curry. “We haven’t, uh, talked about it that much yet.”
“Yeah, no. I’m getting ahead of myself, sorry.” Cooper laughs.
“Mummy,” Alaia says, looking up from her book. “May I please be excused?”
“Can you put your plate in the sink?”
Alaia nods.
“Then yes. Go on. Get changed for ballet, alright? I’ll come in and help you do up your shoes.”
She sits back in her seat, taking a bite of naan.
“God,” she says. “That’ll be you soon, Niall.”
“Going to ballet? I brought me toe-shoes.”
Rochelle rolls her eyes as she laughs. “Very funny.”
She stares at him, makes a weird face. “You’re gonna be a dad.”
“Jesus, Roch,” Niall says, forcing out a laugh. “Nothing’s happened, don’t start buying onesies quite yet.”
Cooper laughs, but it sounds uneasy. A moment later his hand finds Niall’s thigh under the table, gives it a squeeze.
“Well,” Rochelle says, after an awkward pause. “I should get Alaia ready for class. Be back in a bit.”
She ducks out of the kitchen, and Cooper clears his throat.
“I didn’t mean to, like-”
“It’s fine. Roch is mental.” Niall forces himself to smile. “We should leave in an hour or so, traffic’ll be shit.”
Cooper lets out a breath. “Sounds good.”
—
They make it home in one piece, collapse when they get in and sleep for ten hours apiece. Cooper goes off to work, and Niall - Niall settles back in. He cleans the whole house that first day, listening to the radio, scrubbing til he’s red in the face and he feels a tiny bit less like he’s going to explode. He hates the feeling of coming home from holiday, the unsteady feeling. It makes him restless.
Their second day back they go to Jack’s for dinner, sit out back after they’re finished. Niall ends up with Lucy in his lap, improbably. She babbles for a minute and then passes out against his chest.
His mind flits back to it. Be hard not to, with a kid in his lap.
He tries to imagine it every day. Every single day, a little person in his house. Calling Niall dad. Needing him.
“Niall?” Cooper says, quietly, and Niall snaps out of it. He looks at Cooper blankly.
“Hm?”
“You alright?”
“Fine. Just tired.”
“Want me to take her?” Cooper asks, already reaching out.
“Sure.” Niall hands Lucy over, and Cooper presses a kiss to her soft cheek, cuddles her up against his broad chest.
“Love you, sweetheart,” he murmurs against her forehead, and Niall has to look away.
—
It stays with him as they drive home, Cooper dozing off in the passenger seat. A lump of tension in the bottom of his stomach.
And then he sets his wallet down on the kitchen table and picks up a stack of papers, neatly stapled together, and the lump spreads up to his throat.
Application for Adoption Order, the paper says. Niall’s vision blurs.
He picks up the paper, very calmly. Looks it over.
“Babe?” Cooper calls. “Mind grabbing me a glass of water?”
Niall swallows.
“Yeah,” he says, loud enough for Cooper to hear.
He doesn’t, though. Instead he takes the form into the living room, where Cooper’s sprawled on the sofa, scratching his stomach under his t-shirt. He smiles up at Niall, guileless.
“Where’d you get this?” Niall asks.
“What is it?” Cooper peers at the papers in his hand, and then- his face shifts, guilty for a split second before it snaps back into neutral.
“I printed it out at work. Just to take a look.”
“We haven’t even talked about it.”
“I know. It’s just to look at, Ni. Just to see what the whole process is like.”
“You’ve put your name in. And- and my name.”
He has, in carefully printed black ink. Cooper Williams, DOB 11/8/89. Niall James Horan, DOB 13/9/93.
Cooper looks sheepish. “I was bored at work. Doesn’t mean anything.”
“Jesus,” Niall says, shaky. There’s a rushing in his ears, and he sets the paperwork on the mantle. “Jesus, Coop.”
“Don’t overreact. Please.”
Too late. That’s Niall’s specialty, innit. Overreacting when he shouldn’t and not feeling anything when he should.
“I just - I can’t,” he says, voice small, rising. “I can’t, I can’t, I-”
Cooper watches him, wide-eyed.
Niall shakes his head, dumbly, and then he’s on the carpet somehow, on his arse, knees tucked to his chest. He’s shaking and he doesn’t mean to be.
“I can’t,” he repeats. Puts his face against his knees until it’s dark, trying to slow his heartbeat. Shit. “Fuck, Coop.”
“Breathe, babe,” Cooper says, voice shaky, sitting up on the sofa. “It’s alright, just- just breathe- I promise it’s not a big deal, baby, please. I promise. It doesn’t mean anything yet.”
Niall lifts his head, eyes blurry. He’s not looking at Cooper when he says, “I don’t want kids.”
He hears Cooper swallow.
“Ever?” he says, wobbly. “Or right now?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know, fuck.”
Niall wipes his hand over his eyes. “I just- I feel like you’re expecting we’re gonna just have 'em now, and I just-”
“Is it me?” Cooper asks, and - shit. His voice is shaking. “Is it having kids with me you don’t want?”
“Course it’s not you, fuck, Coop.” Niall looks up at him. “You’re like. You’re the best person in my life. You’re the only-”
He stops, has to breathe out hard to keep down a sob.
“I just don’t get it,” Cooper chokes. “We’ve been together for years, Niall.”
“Two years.”
“That’s- I know that. I know it’s only- but it’s different with us, okay, adopting takes fucking forever, it doesn’t mean we’ll have a baby tomorrow, it could be months-”
“Fuck, stop,” Niall gasps out.
“Fuck,” Cooper says, wetly. He puts a hand over his face. “I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna spend the whole fucking rest of my life with you.”
Niall stares at him. Cooper’s shoulders are hunched, and he rubs his palm over his wet eyes, a muscle clenching in his jaw.
“But you don’t want that,” Cooper says, raising his eyes. Niall looks away. “You don’t want the same thing.”
“That’s not- that’s not true.”
“Tell me what you want,” Cooper says, low. “Just tell me what you want, for once, please.”
Niall doesn’t know he’s going to say it until it comes out of his mouth.
“I want to move to LA.”
Cooper stares at him, mouth half-open. Like he didn’t expect it.
“Not forever,” Niall adds, voice trembling. Shit. Shit. “For - for Harry’s next album, I want to- to be there. I want that.”
“Jesus,” Cooper says darkly. Something about it makes Niall want to hide. Take shelter. Like a storm’s coming. “Jesus.”
“It’s not forever-”
“Fucking hell,” Cooper snaps. “Do you know how fucked up you were when you moved down here?”
Niall goes silent. His heart’s pounding.
“You- you had panic attacks, you didn’t sleep, god. You used to wake me up in the middle of the night convinced someone was breaking into the house. You wouldn’t let go of your phone, ever-”
Niall stares down at his knees.
“You got drunk every night. Every fucking night, Niall. Then you’d wake up at four AM scared out of your mind. You know how- how much it fucking hurt to watch you be like that, like-”
His voice breaks and he stops, breathing hard.
“I wasn’t that bad,” Niall says, voice tiny.
“Yes you were. You were bad. Dunno what fucked-up shit you’ve seen being- being famous, but that’s not normal. It was like you were coming back from war or something.”
He chokes a sour laugh. “I don’t get it. I honestly don’t get why you want that again.”
“It’s not- there are good parts. You don’t get it.”
“Course I don’t. Cuz I’m just your boring asshole of a boyfriend, right?”
Niall gapes at him. “I don’t think that-”
“You think I’m boring.” Cooper’s face is red. “You think I’m not good enough for you-”
“Holy shit, no I don’t. No I don’t.”
“I get it-”
“No!” Niall coughs furiously, trying to get his breath back. “That’s not what I think, Jesus, Coop. Jesus. I just- I just need this time, okay? I need to do this.”
“Why?”
“It’s what I want. It’s - what I’m good at. I dunno what you want me to say. Want me to say I’m a shallow fuck who wants attention, cos I do, I do, Coop.”
“It screws you up, though,” Cooper whispers. “It makes you so screwed-up.”
“I need to do it.” Niall’s cheeks are burning. He can’t stop squeezing his own leg, over and over. “I need this.”
Cooper looks away, scrubbing his wrist over his eyes.
“I need to figure out how to not be messed up without you,” Niall says, stumbling over the words.
“God, Niall.” Cooper sounds tired. “God.”
“Everyone says that, like. That you’re so good for me.”
“That a bad thing?” Cooper says, sharp.
“No.” Niall shrugs, sniffing in hard. “Maybe. Maybe cos I feel like the only reason I’m not a bloody mess is cos of you.”
“Well, sorry,” Cooper snaps. “Sorry I fucking give a shit about you being okay, Niall-”
“I never get to take care of you,” Niall says, voice loud over whatever Cooper’s muttering about. “Or myself. I never even - I never even, like. We only do what I like in bed.”
“What?”
“You pretend you like it but I know you’re not- you’re not fucked-up like I am, you don’t- you don’t wanna do that stuff, push me around-”
“What the fuck, Niall. Yes I do. It’s not just for you, are you insane? Noticed that my dick’s been hard every time we-”
“But if I didn’t want it we wouldn’t do it,” Niall chokes. He looks up at him. “Don’t tell me that’s not true.”
Cooper stares at him. “I - I like doing the things you like.”
“Fuck.” Niall puts his face in his hands. “Great.”
“That’s how relationships work, baby-”
“I wish I wasn’t like this,” Niall mumbles against his palms.
“Oh- Christ, Niall.”
“I just wish I wasn’t so, like.” Niall sniffs. His throat’s burning. “I don’t wanna want that shit to get off. I don’t even want to want blokes sometimes, fuck, I’m so tired of it, I dunno-”
He stops when he realizes what he’s said. Shit.
When he looks up Cooper’s crying. His face is blotchy red and there are tears coming down his cheeks and Niall really, really wants to leave the room. He wants to leave the fucking house.
He forces himself still. His heart’s hammering in his chest.
“Sorry,” Cooper chokes. He rubs his eyes.
“I didn’t mean, like. I didn’t mean you, Coop, I just meant if things were-”
“No, I get what you meant.”
“Cooper-”
Cooper nods, forcing a strained smile.
“Excuse me,” he says, unsteadily, before he stands up and walks out. Niall hears the bedroom door shut firmly.
He’s alone in the room and he should feel better, but instead he puts his face down until he can’t see anything and tries not to panic.
He doesn’t move for a long time, until he hears the door open again and he straightens up quickly, pushes himself onto the sofa, trying to seem fine.
Cooper has his gym bag over one shoulder. His eyes are dry, jaw set. As Niall watches, he swallows thickly.
“I’m- I’m gonna stay at Jack’s for a bit,” he says, voice hoarse.
Niall clutches an arm across his chest. He fucked it up properly, now, didn’t he. He fucked it all up. “Okay.”
“I’ll text you. I just. I just, um. Need a little space. To think. Okay?”
Niall nods, looking away.
“You gonna be alright?” Cooper asks, gingerly.
Niall burns with it. He’s a grown adult, he can be on his own. Not gonna fucking go mental the moment he doesn’t have someone watching him. Coop isn’t his fucking keeper.
“I’ll be fine,” he says, trying to keep the venom out of his voice.
“Don’t- don’t leave town without telling me. Please.”
Niall nods again.
“Fine. See you - see you soon.”
Niall nods, throat so dry he can’t speak, and Cooper lets out a sigh and turns around.
Niall waits until he’s gone, until the house is empty, before he stands up. He fills a glass of water in the kitchen, drinks it down. Fills the empty glass with vodka, tops it off with orange juice, doesn’t stir it before he’s taking a gulp.
God, he knows how cliche it is. Drinking away the pain. It’s just one night, it’s just- one night, he’ll let himself do it, and then tomorrow he’ll sort his shit out, and. Everything’ll be fine.
Later - some indeterminate amount of time later- he picks up his phone and slowly taps out a text.
i want to come to LA. You still offering ??
Harry texts back in thirty seconds. Rare for him.
Offer always stands with you Niall. When do you want to come?
Niall stares at it, ignoring the way he’s tearing up gratefully. God, maybe this is what he needs. He scrubs his eyes.
Ill look at flights. tomorrow or Tues. I can stay in a hotel if you’re not home yet I just need to get out of Aus.
He hits Send and feels immediately stupid, a wash of anxiety over him. Too much information. He fumbles for his drink.
Everything okay? Harry replies.
And then- Im back Tues from Ldn. You can stay at mine even if I’m not home I’ll give you gate code and Jeff has key x
Niall drains his drink, coughing as the last of the vodka burns down his throat.
I just need to be somewhere else
Cooper and I had a fight
It nearly makes him sob just typing it out. God. A fight, like it was normal. Something they’ll get over in a few days.
His phone buzzes in his hand, suddenly, and he feels a rush of shame go over him. Harry can’t hear how drunk he is. He can’t.
He waits til it stops vibrating, pulse racing.
Harry texts afterwards.
Answer your phone
Niall shakes his head, types - Dont ffel like talking right now
The phone buzzes again, a minute later. Persistent fucker. Niall swipes it open, lifts it to his ear.
“What?”
“Hey,” Harry says, voice low, crackly with distance. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.” Niall tries to keep his words crisp. Normal.
“What happened?”
Niall sticks a fingernail in his mouth. “Nothing. We just fought.”
“But you’re okay? Nothing- I mean - is he there right now?”
“No, he’s staying at his brother’s place.”
He winces at the slur between he’s and staying. Harry’s quiet for a minute.
“You drunk, Niall?” he asks, sounding very careful.
Niall swallows. “I’m fine.”
Harry lets out an audible exhale, slow. “Are you gonna be alright or do I need to ring someone?”
“Jesus, Haz, I’m fine.” Niall puts his hand over his eyes. “I had a few fucking drinks after he left, it doesn’t mean I’m gonna kill myself.”
“Don’t joke about that,” Harry says darkly. “I don’t like when you joke about-”
“Shut up, Harry.” His heart’s pounding all of a sudden. “Just shut up.”
“Are you- are you splitting up with him?” Harry asks, gently. “Cooper?”
Niall scrubs his eyes again. “I dunno.”
“What did he say?”
“He said he needed space.”
Harry hums quietly.
“And that was after I told him I don’t want kids,” Niall says, voice unsteady. “And that I don’t need him to take care of me.”
He sniffs in hard. “And I said I wished I didn’t like blokes.”
Harry’s quiet. “Shit.”
“Yeah.”
“Is that- is that really how you feel?”
“Everyone wants to be straight, Harry,” Niall says bitterly. “It’s just that we’re not.”
“That’s not true. That’s absolutely not true. Nick says-”
“God, fuck, I don’t care what Nick says.”
Harry sighs heavily.
“You should sleep.”
Niall stares at the blank telly. His throat aches. “D'you want me to come to LA?”
“God yes. It’s gonna be sick, Niall, it’ll be amazing, I just - I just want you to be alright.”
“Think I’m stupid for what I said?” Niall asks, voice going small. “He’s good for me, int he? That’s what you said before.”
There’s a pause.
“You’re not stupid,” Harry says, low.
Niall chokes a laugh.
“You’re not.”
Another pause. Niall closes his eyes.
“Go to sleep,” Harry murmurs. “Get a flight tomorrow. Come to LA. You’ll figure it all out.”
Niall swallows.
“Niall?”
“Yeah. Just. Yeah.”
“Everything’s gonna be fine.”
Niall doesn’t say anything.
“You there?” Harry asks quietly.
“Yeah.”
“Call me tomorrow, alright? Tell me once you book your flight.”
Niall hangs up. He doesn’t mean to, exactly. He sets the phone down and curls up on the sofa, breath coming out heavy and booze-soaked, his chest hurting. Everything’s gonna be fine, Harry said. Bullshit, innit. Just bullshit.
—
Deo shows up at half-nine the next morning, pounding on the door until Niall drags himself off the sofa to answer it.
“What’re you doing here?” Niall mumbles.
“Christ, you look like shit.” Deo claps him on the back, swings the door shut behind him. “I brought breakfast. And coffee.”
Niall follows him into the kitchen, rubbing at his eyes. His head’s pounding hard, mouth dry, and he accepts the iced coffee Deo pushes into his hands gratefully.
“Sit down,” Deo says, busily pulling things out of a plastic bag. “So you don’t puke all over your floor.”
“Not gonna puke. Why are you here?”
“Talked to Jack last night, he said Cooper was staying at his. That you’d had a fight or whatever. Figured you might need company.”
Niall sucks hard at the straw of his coffee.
Deo looks up, unwrapping the foil from an egg sandwich. The smell makes Niall’s stomach clench hungrily. “You okay?”
Niall shrugs.
“Jack said Cooper was pretty torn up.”
Niall doesn’t know what to say to that. He reaches for a sandwich.
“Like…” Deo says, unwrapping his own sandwich. “Do you wanna, like, talk about it?”
“No.”
Deo raises an eyebrow. “Alright.”
Niall takes a massive bite of egg and cheese and bacon.
Deo slides onto the stool next to him, and they eat in silence for a bit.
Niall reaches for his coffee. “Hey,” he says. “I’m going to LA for a bit.”
Deo looks over at him, yawning. “Yeah? When?”
“Tomorrow, probably. Soon as I can get a flight.”
Deo’s eyes narrow. “For how long?”
Niall doesn’t look at him as he says, “Eight months or so.”
“Eight- wait. What?” Deo sets down his sandwich. “Eight months? Niall, what the fuck are you- I mean, I knew you and Cooper had a bit of a row, but-”
“He knows I’m going.”
“Is this about Harry?”
Niall swallows a bite. “I’m gonna be working with him, yeah. Gonna help finish up his album. Write a couple tracks.”
Deo sighs pointedly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Niall says sharply.
“Just…” Deo sighs again. The most passive-aggressive fucker in the world, sometimes. “I mean, let’s face it, mate, we all knew you had a bit of a thing for him back in the day.”
Niall’s hand clenches on his thigh. “I did not.”
“You did.”
“No, I didn’t, Deo, you fucking idiot. He’s one of my best mates.”
“What I’m saying is, like. You gonna start it up with him when you’re there?”
“Harry likes women.”
Deo scoffs.
Niall huffs a laugh, unexpected. His headache’s starting to go away, thank fuck.
“Fine,” he says. “Harry likes anyone who likes him.”
“There it is.”
Niall laughs again. He scrubs at his greasy fingers with a napkin, tosses it aside.
“We hooked up in London,” he says, matter-of-factly. He slurps his coffee, waits for Deo’s sharp intake of breath.
“You and Harry?” Deo’s voice rises. “Is that why Cooper’s pissed off? Oh shit-”
“You really think I’m an arsehole, don’t you?” Niall says, tiredly. “No. Cooper was there. And Harry’s friend Nick. It was all, like. Together.”
“Ohh my god,” Deo says, laughing. “Oh my god. You’re joking me.”
Niall hides a grin in a napkin. “Nope.”
“You’re fucking wild, Niall Horan. What would Maura say?”
He shoves Niall’s side, and Niall rolls his eyes.
“Four blokes,” Deo says, thoughtfully. “But how are there enough… holes?”
“Jesus!” Niall yelps, throwing a crumpled napkin at him. “Shut up!”
Deo’s laughing hysterically into his sandwich, eyes scrunched shut.
“You’re a fucking idiot.”
“Sorry,” Deo chokes out. “Just. Oh my god. All on one bed? Did anyone fall off?”
“Jesus.” Niall’s laughing now too. His chest feels slightly less like someone’s stepping on it. “No one fell off.”
Deo lets out a snort, his mouth full. “Can’t believe you had an orgy on your holiday. And you weren’t even in Thailand.”
“Four people’s not an orgy.”
“Oh, how many people constitutes an orgy, mate? You an expert in the subject?”
Niall elbows him, laughing, and they both go quiet.
“You’re seriously leaving,” Deo says, after a minute.
“It’s only eight months.”
“That’s a long time, Ni.”
Niall shrugs. “I need, like. I need to do it.”
“I’m just- y'know-” Deo sounds careful. “Don’t want you to ruin a good thing.”
Niall swallows hard. “It’s what I need. Alright? Just - it’s what I need.”
Deo’s watching him. Niall can feel it.
“If you come back a complete mess, I’m not taking care of you, just so we’re clear. Don’t show up on my doorstep like a lost puppy.”
Niall huffs a laugh. Deo will, if he has to. Niall knows that.
“Not gonna be a mess.”
“What if it all- like, what if Harry wants you on tour? Or someone offers you, I dunno, a deal or whatever? What if it’s not just eight months?”
He sounds worried.
“If that happens, I’ll deal with it,” Niall says. It doesn’t come out as casual as he hopes.
“Look who’s suddenly zen.”
Niall’s the exact fucking opposite of zen. He snorts sourly, and Deo puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezes gently.
“Come home if it’s shit,” he says. “Promise?”
“Yeah.”
Deo sighs, and Niall shrugs his hand off, takes his garbage to the bin under the sink. He turns the water on hot. Cooper left his cereal bowl out without rinsing, the day before. Niall hates when he does that.
Still, it puts a lump in his throat. Stupid. He fills the bowl with water to soak.
“You gonna stay with Harry?”
Niall tenses up. “Think so, yeah. Might as well.”
Deo sounds regretful. “Jesus, Ni.”
“He has like seven bedrooms, you know that, right? Jesus, you act like I’ve got no self-control.”
Deo’s quiet for a second. “Well, for Harry…”
“Shut up.” Niall scrubs furiously at the crusted-on Sultana Bran. “Dunno where you got the idea I’m so into him, like. I’m not seventeen anymore.”
“I’ve got eyes?”
“Fuck off, mate. I’ve been with Coop for ages now, I don’t care about anyone el-”
He stops in his tracks, swallows thickly. He doesn’t even know if he’s with Cooper anymore.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna try and work it out before you leave?” Deo says, gently. “Like, you should talk at least.”
“We’ve talked enough.”
“That’s such bullshit.”
“You know what, Deo? Can you get the fuck out of my house?”
He can practically hear Deo roll his eyes. “Classic, mate. Pushing me away cos I have a legitimate point.”
Niall’s jaw clenches. He’s scrubbing the dish so hard it’s squeaking.
“Fine,” Deo says, weary. “You’re welcome for breakfast. Sorry I give a shit. Text me when your flight lands, if you want.”
Niall doesn’t turn around, but he doesn’t have to. Deo puts an arm around his shoulders, squeezes him from the side.
“Have fun,” he says against Niall’s ear. “Even if you’re mad at me right now.”
“God, you’re fucking annoying,” Niall mumbles.
“I know. But you gotta love me anyway. Family, bro.” He kisses Niall’s cheek. “Have a good trip.”
“See you.” Niall hears the front door slam, and he turns the tap off with a squeak. Dries his hands on a towel. He backs up to lean against the counter, staring around at the kitchen, spotless from where he cleaned it yesterday afternoon. Before they- whatever.
Niall sniffs in hard, slides back onto his stool at the kitchen counter, reaches for his phone.
He opens up his texts with Cooper. Cooper messaged him before they went over to Jack and Saskia’s for dinner, just-
Gonna be home at like 7:00! We should leave 7:10ish. I’ll just change rly quick
Niall didn’t respond. He wants to write something now, but he doesn’t- what the hell is he supposed to say?
He opens up Skyscanner, types in LAX. Puts in today’s date.
There’s a flight at half-five. Niall chews his lip for a minute, his knee jiggling furiously, and then he books it.