iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray -
You know it’s going to be a good season when in hour one, a healer tells a drunk, “You shouldn’t call them hoes.”
If that doesn’t say WELCOME TO THE BACHELORETTE SEASON 11, I don’t know what does.
And if you weren’t excited enough about the premiere of our favorite franchise, Mike Fleiss has decided to embrace his jack wagon ways by flipping the inaugural cocktail party on its side. Traditionally there is only one girl waiting for the parade of stretch limos outside the mansion, struggling to keep her evening gown train from becoming drenched after dragging it through the freshly sprayed asphalt puddles. This year, Fleiss gives the men the power to choose their bachelorette. Instead of the dudes vying to impress the lady with first impression tchotchkes and tales of overcoming odds, Britt and Kaitlyn must enter the arena together and fight for their right to party for the next six weeks.
Who will stand with a tasteful, yet understated accent table piled high with boutonnieres beside a man who is so talented, he can host a show and pimp a romantic novel at the same time? Who will have her hopes dashed, realizing that she was rejected twice on the same show in less than a year?
It’s time to duke it out ladies. We don’t need another hero. Welcome to the Thunderdome.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
ABC is desperate for you to reach the conclusion that Kaitlyn and Britt are very different people. Britt claims to be looking for a “best friend and adventure partner,” before insinuating that her competition is looking for a punch line. (I wish Britt was looking for a rubber band so she can cease and desist from swooping her hair around her neck. Someone fetch me Ashley I-Lashes genie charm.) Kaitlyn vacillates between the desire to either hurl or pass out from heat exhaustion. That’s understandable.
Fleiss places the women several feet away from each other on the shiny driveway. This small detail is devilishly brilliant. When the men exit the limo, they must choose which woman to approach first. It’s like Sophie’s Choice, but with tight-fitting suits and perfect teeth. Do you choose the one you like better to meet first? Or do you save the best for last?
As you can imagine, the first impression moments are extremely awkward. Some dudes try to talk to both of them at the same time. Some flat out gush over one bachelorette and then politely acknowledge the other. Once the receiving line dwindles down, both Britt and Kaitlyn are stung with the realities of insecurity.
Harrison strolls up to assess the emotional damage. He looks better than ever in a stylish three-piece suit. He smells of fine Italian fabric, intelligence and swagger. His piercing eyes drill into the souls of the women and he immediately tells Britt and Kaitlyn to suck…it…up. It’s time to hoist the boobs, freshen the gloss and prep the head toss/laugh combo.
Bachelors ready? Batter up!
Ben H./Peter
Age: 26
Occupation: Software Salesman
Hometown: Denver, CO
Disclaimer:
Let me go ahead and prepare y’all for what will inevitably happen. I will, without a doubt, call this guy Peter—as in Peter Brady from the wildly popular The Brady Bunch. I can’t help it.
Why you remember him:
Peter is smitten with Britt. He has a sponsor child and so does she! Peter considers this the perfect “in” for his alone time with Britt. Sadly, Britt was #TeamBobby and has no interest in sharing stories about how long she’s been writing to her kid in [insert country here.] During Peter’s time with Kaitlyn, he asks a simple question: “Tell me about your bird tattoos.” Kaitlyn laughs/head tosses, thanking Peter for his inquiry. The birds are doves—the only bird that knows how to fly back home. Doves are her spirit animal and the evil Farmer who left her to sweat to death before literally getting cock blocked by a rooster in Bali never once asked her the stories behind her body art. Peter feels really good about this exchange. As a middle child, this is an important milestone.
Ben Z.
Age: 26
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Hometown: San Jose, CA
Why you remember him:
Ben is one of the few featured in top-of-the-hour hometown packages. We learn that his mother died when he was 14, he tried out for the NFL and he looks really good running shirtless. The entrepreneur considers going on a reality show a big risk. He’s been looking his entire life for love. Can you imagine? Twenty-six years and no significant other to show for it. It must be excruciating.
Bradley
Age: 25
Occupation: International Auto Shipper
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Why you remember him:
You probably don’t remember Bradley, per se, but you definitely remember his rockin’ red head band. He was holding a tennis racket and drummed up the solid, yet cheesy line: “This is a love, love match.” He definitely has potential.
Brady
Age: 33
Occupation: Singer-Songwriter
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Why you remember him:
Brady. Sweet, sweet Brady. He’s a singer/songwriter from Nashville who always has a melody in his head. This makes sense because the ankles of his pants are so tight, all the blood is pushed north. Brady zeroes in on Britt. He makes it his new dream to write songs only about her. He declares that they are MFEO. How does he know? Because on a scale from one to 10, she’s a billion. (Now is the time I would normally poke fun at this remark, but I’m sure “She’s a Solid Billion” is going to be a top-selling country hit in 2016, so I will refrain.)
Chris
Age: 28
Occupation: Dentist
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Why you remember him:
Outside, you remember Chris because he arrives in a motorized cupcake. (Yes please.) Inside, you remember his teeth. His white, white, white teeth.
Clint
Age: 27
Occupation: Architectural Engineer
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:
I have two words for you: TRICERATOPS HARRISON!
Call me crazy, but I’m officially rooting for this kid.
Corey
Age: 30
Occupation: Investment Banker
Hometown: New York, NY
Why you remember him:
Corey lets Kaitlyn know that even though he’s not a farmer, he’d be happy to plow her field. She thinks this was hilarious. Britt discovers what the back of her head looks like thanks to a massive eye roll. Later, Kaitlyn admits to Corey that she’s infatuated with his dimples. I feel the same way about Jeff Probst.
Let it be known that even though I would crawl up in Jeff’s dimples and take a nap if I could, Chris Harrison will always and forever be my Host.
Cory
Age: 35
Occupation: Residential Developer
Hometown: Pearland, TX
Why you remember him:
You shouted TEXAS when he exited the limo. Then you never saw him again.
Daniel
Age: 28
Occupation: Fashion Designer
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Why you remember him:
Yellow pocket square + dancing. That’s all I’ve got.
David
Age: 26
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Hometown: Orlando, FL
Why you remember him:
[Crickets chirping.]
Ian
Age: 28
Occupation: Executive Recruiter
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Why you remember him:
How could you forget Ian? He’s a tall, tall drink of handsome water who whispers in Kaitlyn’s ear that he wants her to be the bachelorette. He’s smooth, confident and somehow is still able to run after being hit by a car, ending his track career. Thank goodness because he’s providing a public service when he runs down the beach. Hooray for abs!
Jared
Age: 26
Occupation: Restaurant Manager
Hometown: Warwick, RI
Why you remember him:
His chiseled jaw.
His Bieber hair.
His baby face.
His “Love Man” alter ego.
His “Love Man” alter ego t-shirt.
His “Love Man” alter ego t-shirt paired with skinny jeans.
JJ
Age: 32
Occupation: Former Investment Banker
Hometown: Denver, CO
Why you remember him:
JJ starts off strong. He hands Kaitlyn a hockey puck and tells her he’d like to puck her. Kaitlyn LOVES the fact that he is playing into her wheelhouse. JJ’s patience are put to the test when Drunk Ryan enters the scene. Suddenly, all funny bones are tossed out the window. JJ puts on his Former Investment Banker hat and tells the camera that Kaitlyn’s interaction with Drunk Ryan is a gross mismanagement of her time. He plays the hero, trying to rescue the Kaitlyn from Ryan’s roving hands. When conversation and words in general fall deaf on Drunk Ryan’s ears, JJ lies, telling him that the bar has a drink waiting for him. This tactic works on Drunk Ryan. #Squirrel
Joe
Age: 28
Occupation: Insurance Agent
Hometown: Columbia, KY
Why you remember him:
Let’s be honest. You remember Joe’s accent. And his millennial version of white boy Kid ‘N Play hair. You appreciate his thoughtful gift of moonshine (it does burn going down—trust me) and you feel that we should all intervene on social media, suggesting he put his dog on a diet. He could also pass for a country bumpkin relation to One F Jef. Call me crazy, but I like this dude.
Jonathan
Age: 33
Occupation: Automotive Spokesman
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Why you remember him:
Jonathan is the biggest Britt ambassador in the entire mansion. At one point, he loses the maroon dinner jacket and flat out campaigns for her to be the next Bachelorette. Then he wanders over to Joe to give him product tips on how to keep his hair nice and high.
Josh
Age: 27
Occupation: Law Student/Exotic Dancer
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:
You remember Josh grinding on a pole, grinding up against some Chi-Town actresses trying to get a SAG card and grinding next to Kaitlyn as he forces her to caress the rather ginormous rose tattoo that stretches across his abdomen. Sorry Josh. That’s a hard pass for Kaitlyn. Best line of the night: “He’s all yours Britt. You can have this one.”
Joshua
Age: 31
Occupation: Industrial Welder
Hometown: Kuna, ID
Why you remember him:
You remember him because he is the best of them all! Who cares that his story is almost the exact same as The Farmer? He can weld roses for crying out loud! If things don’t work out, I might make a road trip to Kuna. If he doesn’t like green beans, it’s a match made in heaven!
Justin
Age: 28
Occupation: Fitness Trainer
Hometown: Naperville, IL
Why you remember him:
Justin sucks helium. The end.
Kupah
Age: 32
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Hometown: Boston, MA
Why you remember him:
Kupah is the rather large bald man who came in second place as the defender of all things Britt. If it doesn’t work out with the new Bachelor Bouncer, Kupah could totally step in.
Ryan B
Age: 32
Occupation: Realtor
Hometown: Wellington, FL
Why you remember him:
I do not know who this person is, so I looked him up. I’m pretty sure he didn’t say anything the entire night, but I do remember see him. I thought he looked like Andrew Rannells. That made me think about How I Met Your Mother. Then that made me think of the series finale of How I Met Your Mother. Then that made me think of how this show is in season 11 and that it may never end. And that made me happy. So thank you Ryan B. Thank you for lifting my spirits! I’m so sorry you have to share a first name with the tool box below…
Ryan M
Age: 28
Occupation: Junkyard Specialist
Hometown: Kansas City, MO
Why you remember him:
The ABC Intern knows how to handle drunk people. It’s obviously one of the many requirements listed in his job description. You simply get the inebriated to talk trash about the other people and then put them up on the top tier of the bleachers when it’s time to hand out roses. It’s called good TV. Sometimes the ABC Intern is faced with a drunk who chooses to man handle the women and destroy the long stem roses next to the ballot boxes. Never fear. Our Intern is trained for this. It’s best to politely suggest that the intoxicated one take a swim. Drunk people stripping down to their undies to go for a dip may be dangerous, but it’s also entertaining to watch. Especially if said drunk manages to fall on his face without spilling his beer. Can you say ratings? Then there’s phase three, where the drunk gets “white boy wasted” and picks a fight with The Protector JJ and The Backup Bouncer Kupah. You know it’s on when “how old are you?” is slurred. The bat signal is lit and Harrison is arrives to manage the situation. You could see the fear in Drunk Ryan’s glassy eyes when the ABC Bouncer summoned him from the sunken living room. He makes his way out to the driveway where a rose bush stands between him and Our Host. Should he walk to the left or to the right of the bush? “KISS IT LIKE THE HEALER,” I screamed. But Drunk Ryan didn’t listen and chooses to veer right, standing before Harrison to hear his fate. Clearly Drunk Ryan isn’t here for the right reasons (right reasons) and must be sent home in an unmarked van. So long Ryan. Make good choices.
Shawn B.
Age: 28
Occupation: Personal Trainer
Hometown: Windsor Locks, CT
Why you remember him:
Shawn B. is the clear front runner for both women. They thought he was hotter than crap and both commented on how good he smelled. I blame pheromones. Shawn has the hots for Kaitlyn and declares that it was love at first sight when he stepped out of the limo. Most of you think he favors Ryan Gosling which is fine, because that gives me a perfect reason to post this:
Shawn E
Age: 31
Occupation: Amateur Sex Coach
Hometown: Ontario, Canada
Why you remember him:
Bless Shawn E.’s heart. Can I get an amen? He arrives in a hot tub car, dripping with gross water and insults of “you suck” from our resident drunk hiding in the same rose bush that confuses him later in the evening. Kaitlyn thinks Shawn E. was pretty funny. Britt begs to differ after the Sex Toy 101 lecture she receives. Will Britt heed his advice? Or will she wait for a professional sex coach to school her? Whatever happens, Brady will write a song about it. What rhymes with bowels?
Tanner
Age: 28
Occupation: Auto Finance Manager
Hometown: Kansas City, MO
Why you remember him:
I like Tanner. Britt does not, even though he gives her due diligence by gifting her with a package of tissues. Britt bristles, telling the camera that she doesn’t like being known as “the crier” from the season before. She later calls him out for the “low blow” because he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Second best Kaitlyn line of the night: “Did he give you soap or tissues?”
Tony
Age: 35
Occupation: Healer
Hometown: St. Louis, MO
Why you remember him:
You remember him because spiritual gangsters are hard to forget. Also, being a flexibility therapist is hard work. The verdict is still out on how he got that shiner. Could it be one of his patients? Retaliation from an innocent fern? Did he give a free hug to a germaphobe? The pieces of that puzzle have yet to fall in place. What we do know is that Britt’s chi is ricocheting off her box with such life energy that Tony can actually feel it pulsating. Even if he doesn’t wash or brush his hair, I hope he gets to stay. #namaste
THE BALLOT BOXES
Kudos to the ABC Intern for cutting out a rose silhouette in the top of the box so the flower won’t be damaged during casting. And a great big THANK YOU to Things Remembered for the sweet, brass nameplates adorning each box. What a wonderful keepsake to cherish forever! Kaitlyn and Britt will need a box for the many, many roses they will receive on special occasions. It’s nice to have a place for them to dry. That potpourri isn’t going to make itself.
Harrison walks into the voting room with the ABC Bouncer. Some of you have questioned why Harrison doesn’t have custody of the key to the ballot boxes. I assume that he can’t be weighed down by frivolous things like keys and wallets. He has an entourage for such things.
With that said, I’m happy to ask him on Wednesday night. I’ll be joining Some Guy in Austin and Mrs. Some Guy at the Barnes & Noble in the Arboretum for Harrison’s book signing. Come meet us if you live nearby. If not, I’ll make sure to take copious notes of how he smells.
I take my job very seriously. I trust you know that.
Thanks for reading. Get ready for another hour tonight when one bachelorette is invited to stay and one is escorted outside to sift through 10 of the night’s rejects. Good times!
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