iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray -
It’s been too long my dear friends. And I’m so sorry we had to experience such a lame red carpet “event” to kick-off Prince Farming’s season of The Bachelor. Apparently anyone within driving distance who has ever been on the previous 37 seasons of any Bachelor franchise was given a golden ticket to walk up and down (or just stand around) roughly 150 yards of crimson fabric splitting the middle of the alley between two sound stages in East Compton. A handful of extras were persuaded to pose as “fans” as the ABC Intern frantically passed out neon poster boards with “Marry Me Chris” and “Show Me the Michelle Money” scribbled in permanent marker. Props to the studio guys who provided exclusive picture-in-picture moments, just like a real major award show. I’m so glad that one camera was able to capture that live moment 12 feet away from the other camera.
Notable Red Carpet Takeaways:
The Lowes have lots of sex, but there are not plans to make babies. I’m sure this is something you need to know.
Josh and Andi pretend to still be in love, but are secretly counting down the days until their ABC-mandated contract gives them permission to officially break up.
The Villain Chris is still a villain.
I may have seen the Dog Walker’s nether regions.
Cody has taken on the task of shredding The Farmer. Cody took on this task shirtless of course. The Farmer tosses a few hay bales over his head and lifts a few tipped cows and he is transformed.
Lacey is 80/40 percent sure she is planning her wedding with Marcus.
Erica still wears tiaras. And jump suits. Bless her heart.
Neil Lane hopes for some red carpet matchmaking so he can make a little change on the side.
Nikki wants you to know that she is doing great. Her statement necklace is just as bold.
Graham totally phones in this appearance. He’s still hot.
Claire totally pulls a Lion King moment with DDAHnna and the Stag Twin’s kid. It was odd.
Re-Meet the Bachelor
If a newbie watches this show for the first time, they probably assume our Bachelor is a motorcycle-loving, black leather-wearing bandido with a dorky helmet. Untrue. What we remember and what ABC has reinforced through countless promos, is that our bachelor is farmer. He drives a fancy tractor, farming 6,000 acres in Iowa. He also ponders in front of cool barns, props his foot up on antique brick buildings to chill and drinks coffee with old men because there are zero female prospects in the corn field.
If we learned anything from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, the best place to find a wife is when you’re in town getting supplies. The Farmer hops on his bike and travels 1,900 miles to the City of Angels. ABC makes him try on several racks of clothes and our country boy compares it to the woes of harvest time.
STICK HIM IN A DENIM PEARL SNAP PEOPLE. THAT’S ALL WE NEED.
He heads to his bachelor pad balcony and ponders about life before we get our first obligatory shower scene. Mike Fleiss is too cheap to get our boy indoor plumbing, so he’s forced to lather up outside. No problem. Old Mickey D is used to the elements.
The Farmer suits up and meets Our Host Chris Harrison on the freshly sprayed asphalt. Harrison is a vision in a dark suit with purple accents. He smells like worn leather and victory. He slaps the Farmer on the back, grabs a bottle of scotch from the kitchen and settles in for a night of debauchery. Let’s meet the ladies!
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Alissa
24
Flight Attendant
Hamilton, NJ
Why you remember her:
We first meet Alissa on a fake airplane set. She’s the flight attendant who warns us that smoking is prohibited unless you’re hot. She displays major cleavage in a tight red dress and insists on fastening a seat belt around The Farmer because “it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Some may have utilized their barf bag in the seat back pocket in front of them while watching this exchange.
Status: Rose
Amanda
24
Ballet Teacher
Lake in the Hills, IL
Why you remember her:
Amanda introduces herself as a ballet instructor. She lives at home with her Mom, because she doesn’t like to pay bills or cook. She also thinks The Farmer is a panty dropper. Something tells me that the quote “never miss a good chance to shut up” doesn’t apply to Amanda. To make matters worse, she asks the limo driver to hand deliver a note to The Farmer. The note reveals that she is his secret admirer and asks him to turn his back to the limo and close his eyes. Amanda hugs him from behind and sneaks off into the mansion without so much as a grand jeté. The Farmer uses the process of elimination several hours later, deducing that Amanda is the bachelorette who went all Ghost Protocol on her limo exit. She peppers him with questions while simultaneously wondering if she ogled him during the interrogation. Answer? A resounding yes.
Status: No rose
Amber
29
Bartender
Chicago
Why you remember her:
Amber brings her teddy bear to meet The Farmer, confessing that this cherished toy is what comforts her at night. You silently bless her heart and hope for the best.
Status: Rose
Ashley I.
26
Freelance Journalist
Wayne, NJ
Why you remember her:
Ashely is the virgin with ginormous eyelashes. She’s strikingly beautiful, but you have trouble seeing beyond the tarantula-like, huge, long, flowing, mascara-caked, false eyelashes.
Status: Rose
Ashley S.
24
Hair Stylist
Brooklyn
Why you remember her:
At first, Ashley’s wide eyes make you wonder if she’s nervous. When the wide eyes never settle into a normal eye stance, and she forces a lucky penny in the shoe of our bachelor, you begin to think that the wide eye may have a little crazy mixed in for good measure. You also struggle with why she looks so familiar, and then it hits you: she’s Courtney Thorne-Smith’s doppelgänger. The moment Melrose starts looking around the fountain for the perfect yellow rose to offer the WWE Diva in exchange for time with our Farmer is when we have hard core evidence that she is probably on ABC Psychotherapist’s watch list. When she swears she sees a blue onion growing on nearby lattice, and then insists on picking said onion, you figure the two tiny anxiety pills she mixed with three glasses of champagne in the limo and four cosmos in the sunken living room have officially kicked in. It’s time to cheer Melrose on for flying her freak flag!
Status: Hooray for producer-influenced roses!
Becca
25
Chiropractic Assistant
San Diego
Why you remember her:
Becca had a short sparkly black dress with expose shoulders and cool, funky shoes that zipped. The Farmer’s inner bandido really liked this outfit and the woman in it. I think Becca may be a dark horse.
Status: Rose
Bo
25
Plus-Size Model
Carpinteria, CA
Why you remember her:
Bo is a curvy, nine-foot tall drink of water in hot pink spandex. How could you forget?
Status: No rose
Britt
27
Waitress
Hollywood
Why you remember her:
Britt is a waitress living in LA who embraces fuchsia lipstick like the spunky cheerleader in an after school special from the 80s. She’s super excited that The Farmer is this season’s bachelor. She’s first out of the limo, and since she’s an ambassador of free hugs, she grabs on to the hunk standing before her and simply does not let go. Inside, Britt is overjoyed that The Farmer remembers her name. (Read: he remembers her boobs pressed against his Cody-shredded pecs for at least 15 Mississippis.) Britt launches into the opening remarks of her Farmer’s Wife Campaign by promising to dutifully provide a safe haven for tears, encouragement or a comforting breast hug in his time of need. Because that’s what wives do. She really lays it on thick when she confesses that small towns are “where it’s at” before sharing her soul through long glances and mature giggles in all the right places. The Farmer bestows her the first impression rose and she thanks him with a sultry make out sesh in front of the outdoor fireplace. Prediction: Britt is not vying to be Mrs. Farmer, but is throwing her hat in the ring for the next bachelorette. She may be a great girl, but something tells me she’s not there for the right reasons, right reasons.
Status: First Impression Rose
Brittany
26
WWE Diva-In-Training
Orlando
Why you remember her:
The fact that the Diva Apprentice tries to make the hashtag #soulesmates happen is comical since the eye goes straight to her poorly constructed doily dress. When Melrose teeters over to the Diva and The Farmer sitting on the steps of the mansion, I was actually intrigued at how that fashion feat of engineering was able to move from a standing to seated position without snapping or disintegrating. A huge THANK YOU to the ABC graphics department for blurring out Diva’s undercarriage as she hoists herself up off the curb. Why she didn’t suplex Melrose right into the glistening pavement is beyond me. That’s just good TV. Ask anyone.
Status: No rose
Carly
29
Cruise Ship Singer
Arlington, TX
Why you remember her:
You grab the couch cushion because you see Carly carrying a Hello Kitty karaoke machine. Luckily, Carly makes her debut during the notorious part of the night that leaves 15 ladies inside the mansion absolutely livid that three more limos just pulled up in the driveway. Carly’s original ditty is intermingled with tarantula eyelash batting, doily dress boob popping and invisible onion peeling. Carly’s whimsical cotton candy pink dress keeps her memorable in a sea of short sequins and back tats.
Status: Rose
Jade
28
Cosmetics Developer
Los Angeles
Why you remember her:
Jade is the last one out of the limo with the beige billowy blouse and teeny red flowing skirt. She has a Pippa Middleton vibe. She wears minimal makeup, is originally from Nebraska (point) and once cried when she got lost in an LA parking lot. The Farmer is definitely smitten with this one.
Status: Rose
Jillian
25
News Producer
Washington, DC
Why you remember her:
Jillian is a little scary and stronger than most of the men you know. She is one of several who wore red, but you will never forget her muscular thighs and biceps. If you do forget, she will have no problem strapping you to her mid-section and lecturing you has she performes flawless chin-ups on a nearby horizontal bar. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to see this chick haul some hay.
Status: Rose
Jordan
24
Student
Windsor, CO
Why you remember her:
Jordan is the darling blonde in an electric blue dress. You label her the mansion boozehound when she pulls out tiny bottles of whiskey (no doubt confiscated from the flight attendant’s wheely bag) to toast our bachelor in the driveway. Please note that Official Mansion Boozehound Tara had not yet been introduced to the viewing audience.
Status: Rose
Juelia
30
Esthetician
Portland
Why you remember her:
You mentally high-five Juelia for having to go through life with a freakishly spelled name, then you lean over and ask your friend to remind you what exactly an esthetician does for a living. Then you Google to make sure you’re spelling esthetician correctly.
Status: Rose
Kaitlyn
29
Dance Instructor
Vancouver, BC
Why you remember her:
Kaitlyn re-purposes one of her red break dancing leotards into a “dress” and invites The Farmer to “plow the BLEEP out of my field” before reciting a colorful joke about a walrus attending a Tupperware party in order to find a tight seal. Wonderful Kaitlyn. Every farmer needs a good hoe.
Status: Rose
Kara
25
High School Soccer Coach
Brownsville, KY
Why you remember her:
Kara thinks she and The Farmer would make the CUTEST BABIES EVERRRRRR! Just as you are about to shove her in the Melrose column, she rallies with the best one-liner of the night:
Kara: “Is this everybody?”
Ballet Amanda: “Probably not. Juan Pablo had 27 girls.”
Kara: “Yeah. And he was a douche.”
Lincee: Truth
Status: No rose
Kelsey
28
Guidance Counselor
Austin
Why you remember her:
Kelsey is the only one with short hair (brunette) and The Farmer loves her dimples. She’s been a widow for year and four months and you worry that this may be too soon for her to hope for love in front of a national audience. She appears way too normal for this show. According to the season promo, The Farmer does something REALLY bad to her that may cause her to collapse on the floor, but she gives him a second chance because love is worth it. I fear this will not turn out well for the Texan.
Status: Rose
Kimberly
28
Yoga Instructor
Long Island
Why you remember her:
Kimberly was the brunette in a tight, white dress that was completely forgettable. That is, until she refused to be kicked out of the mansion after being rejected. She marches right back in to the celebratory toast and asks for a private audience with our bachelor. ABC chooses to give us the old, “TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK” as if this moment is equally as dramatic as when Ross slept with the girl at the copy place while he and Rachel were on a break. Call me Melrose, but I’m just not that invested.
Status: No rose…for now
Mackenzie
21
Dental Assistant
Maple Valley, WA
Why you remember her:
Poor, sweet, little Mackenzie. Every maternal instinct inside you begs for the ABC Psychotherapist to intervene and send the young girl home to be with her own baby son. You assume that her teal green ball gown is literally from her prom and you wonder if she is purposefully dreading her hair, or if hair that curly tends to take on a mind of its own in the humid hours of dawn? You experience your first “bless her sweet baby heart” moment when The Farmer tries to explain alfalfa to our adorable Mackenzie.
Farmer: “We grow alfalfa.”
Mac: “Never heard of it.”
Farmer: “We use it to feed cattle.
Mac: “Oh. Is it organic?”
Lincee: Let’s call it gluten-free and be done with this conversation.
Status: Rose
Megan
24
Make-Up Artist
Nashville
Why you remember her:
Megan had a dazed look in her eyes that landed somewhere between Sorority Row Jordan and Last Call Tara. She admits that she doesn’t get Kaitlyn’s Tupperware joke because “something’s not clicking up there.” Does anyone else like her as much as I do?
Status: Rose
Michelle
25
Wedding Cake Decorator
Provo, UT
Why you remember her:
You don’t.
Status: No rose
Nicole
31
Real Estate Agent
Scottsdale, AZ
Why you remember her:
Oh honey. That’s probably what you uttered as this pretty red-head in a gorgeous emerald green gown waltzes up to The Farmer with a pig nose. She wanted to ham it up and make him feel at home. Only, the bachelor doesn’t raise pigs. Had she worn an organic alfalfa sprig on top of her head, this commentary might be ending a little differently.
Status: No rose
Nikki
26
Former NFL Cheerleader
New York City
Why you remember her:
She finds a perfectly heart-shaped rock climbing Machu Picchu and thinks of him, blah, blah, blah. She is the reincarnate of Lyla Garrity! All you can think of when you see her is, “CLEAR EYES. FULL HEART. CAN’T LOSE.” All you picture in your mind is this:
Why hello there threes.
Status: Rose
Reegan
28
Donated Tissue Specialist
Manhattan Beach, CA
Why you remember her:
Reegan will forever be known as the cadaver girl who gives The Farmer an Igloo containing a bloody heart. The fact that it is fake should make us feel better. It does not.
Status: No rose
Samantha
27
Fashion Designer
Los Angeles
Why you remember her:
The only thing I have written in my notes is, “Terrible shoes.” I hope that helps.
Status: Rose
Tandra
30
Executive Assistant
Sandy, UT
Why you remember her:
Tandra rides up on a motorcycle, wearing a long, black evening gown. We didn’t hear or see much from this cool chick, but The Farmer is definitely digging her chili.
Status: Rose
Tara
26
Sport Fishing Enthusiast
Ft. Lauderdale
Why you remember her:
It’s no wonder Tara is chosen to be one of The Farmer’s potential wives. You see, rain makes corn. Corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes Tara…a little bit frisky. And unable to stand for long periods of time, but that’s neither here nor there. She starts off strong, exiting the limo in her cowboy boots and favorite pair of denim panties. She tells The Farmer that this is how she is most comfortable before strutting off into the mansion to acquire her first Jameson on the rocks. The girls viciously judge her using only their eyes. She ducks into a bathroom, changes into a respectable black dress, stealthily makes her way back to the limo and exits again, wobbling in her cheetah heels. For a hot second I thought the bachelor wasn’t going to recognize her, but he did. Yee haw! Let the drinking commence!
She parties with her girl Jordan and their favorite men: Jim, Jack, Johnny, Jameson and Jose. We all play a wicked game of “will she or won’t she” as we take bets if Tara will either choose to just sit down or straight up fall over during the EPIC LONG rose ceremony. We don’t know if we should applaud or be mortified that the producers put her on the top row of the bleachers. It was terribly inconsiderate, in a brilliant sort of way. Don’t ask me what her back tattoo reads. After several attempts to pause the TV, all I could decipher was a heart, the word live and something about a bobcat. We’ll have another chance to figure it out next week. Poor Farmer leaves the rose ceremony room to confer with Our Host Chris Harrison concerning the Leaning Tower of Tara. Farmer does not like that she is clearly drunk and barely holding it together. The producers give him an extra three roses if he agrees to take on both The Drunk and The Onion. Farmer agrees.
Status: Rose
Tracy
29
Fourth Grade Teacher
Wellington, FL
Why you remember her:
Tracy seems really normal. Too bad she kept bringing up the fact that single people over a certain age have a tendency to collect cats. TIGHTEN UP TRACY. YOU’VE GOT THIS.
Status: Rose
Trina
33
Special Education Teacher
San Clemente, CA
Why you remember her:
Trina had a pretty black dress, blonde hair in that annoying side swept fashion and greeted our bachelor with a great big, “Helloooooo Farmer Chris!” That’s all I’ve got.
Status: Rose
Whitney
29
Fertility Nurse
Chicago
Why you remember her:
Whitney is the one who you think has real potential if she takes the voice down a few octaves. She’s from Chicago but has a thick, southern accent and has watched the show since she was in high school. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes. We are all old.
Status: Rose
The season promo offers a lot of insight to The Farmer’s journey of love. Apparently, he does plow someone’s field, which sends all the other ladies into a crying frenzy. It looks like the poor girl with tarantula eyelashes may go blind from mascara and the flight attendant has to secure an oxygen mask to the girl from Austin. According to Our Host, it’s going to be the most dramatic AND the most romantic.
Do you think Britt is genuine? Is Becca a dark horse? Do you love my new, refreshed landing page? (Thank you Lindsay C!) Will Tara stay drunk the entire season? Is it wrong that I hope she does? Do you think Melrose is still carrying around the pomegranate? Sound off in the comment section and GET EXCITED that Lindsay C figured out how to incorporate a reply button!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
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