Johannes Vermeer, “Woman Holding a Balance” (c. 1664), National Gallery of Art (image via Wikimedia Commons)
Hyperallergic’s horoscopes offer astrological advice for artists and art types, in art terms, every month.
Libra (September 24–October 23)
There’s an adorable Diane Arbus photo of a baby in the Whitney Museum’s current exhibition of portraits, and it turns out that baby is Anderson Cooper. We know you’re not necessarily one for obsessive documentation, Libra, but you should try to take more photos of the people around you, because you never know who’s going to turn out to be a really big deal — if could even be you! Once per week is a perfectly healthy rate of selfie sharing.
Scorpio (October 24–November 22)
We want to start an art appraisal reality TV show — sort of like Antiques Roadshow, but for modern and contemporary art. Bring us your inscrutable plywood boxes and hunks of old metal, and we’ll tell you if they’re long-lost works by Donald Judd or Carl Andre. We just need a name that conveys expertise and authority. What do you think, Scorpio? People trust you; in fact, your credibility is one of your greatest assets. You should capitalize on it more often. Beyond a Pedestal of a Doubt? Opposites Abstract? But Is It Consignable?
Sagittarius (November 23–December 21)
The other day, watching a man awkwardly trying to get into a comfortable sleeping position on the subway, we started to wonder what would be the most comfortable artwork to sleep on (now you know how our brains work). Artworks made of actual beds and furniture aren’t eligible, of course — no Tracey Emin or Chu Yun — but what about Alex Ebstein’s yoga mat paintings? Slavs and Tatars’ cantilevered carpet? Oh, we’ve got it: José Lerma’s carpet portraits! The advice encrypted in your star alignment is very specific and service-y this month, Sagittarius: you need a new mattress.
Capricorn (December 22–January 20)
Anish Kapoor is pretty sure that the vandalism of his sculpture at Versailles last year was “an inside job,” and though we don’t know exactly what that means, you should be on high alert for an inside job of your own, Capricorn. The stars suggest one of your longstanding collaborators will try to pull a fast one on you this month. Keep a lookout for shoddy knockoffs of your work popping up in far-flung places.
Aquarius (January 21–February 19)
We weren’t crazy about the Guggenheim’s about-to-close exhibition of art from MENA (Middle East and North Africa), but it sure was an improvement on their show of art from CALA (the Caribbean and Latin America), and a refreshing break from their regular programming, which is so dominated by artists from WENA (Western Europe and North America) and MECCA (the Midwest, East Coast, and California). You need to stop putting people in boxes and labeling them so much, Aquarius; let them be individuals.
Pisces (February 20–March 20)
First Steve McQueen made Hunger; then Sam Taylor-Johnson did Nowhere Boy and 50 Shades of Grey. What will be the next mainstream movie crossover by a successful video artist? A coming-of-age high school dance competition comedy by Rashaad Newsome? A found footage–style canoe trip slasher movie by Marie Lorenz? A psychedelic space musical by Jacolby Satterwhite? Whatever it is, Pisces, you are also in a position to radically expand your ambitions this month.
Aries (March 21–April 20)
Many moons ago, all the members of HAWUSA (Horoscope Art Writers, USA chapter) signed a petition addressed to the Smithsonian Institution demanding the creation of a National Museum of Astrological Divination on the National Mall. We now realize the reason we never heard back is because the Smithsonian was busy working on the National Museum of African American History and Culture. Since that museum has finally opened, we look forward to working with the Smithsonian on the NMAD. This month, Aries, your patience will pay off.
Taurus (April 21–May 21)
You go up a flight of stairs and arrive on a landing where you are faced with a choice between two staircases. You take the one to the left, but once you reach the top, you’re faced with another choice between staircases leading to the left and right. You keep going left — for 16 flights of stairs — and when there are no more steps leading up, all that’s left is to go back down. This is not some Sisyphean nightmare, it’s a phenomenological approximation of Thomas Heatherwick’s “Vessel.” It parallels your current astrological predicament in two ways, Taurus: you’re a very good decision maker, and you’ve hit a ceiling in your current professional pursuits — you need a new job.
Gemini (May 22–June 21)
Sacramentans are screaming mad about their basketball team’s choice of an $8 million Jeff Koons sculpture to greet visitors to its new stadium. Ostensibly this is because they would rather have seen that sum spent on work by local artists, but we suspect it’s also partly because giving Koons pride of place implies a certain type of taste. However, we would argue that nothing could be more fitting for a team called the Kings than to greet visitors with a gaudy, 18-foot-tall, stainless steel Koons. Sometimes you’ve just got to embrace your kitschiest impulses, Gemini.
Cancer (June 22–July 22)
The recent video of a giant inflatable rubber duck rolling through the streets — unfortunately not one of Florentijn Hofman’s — reminded us of last year’s giant red ball incident in Toledo. It also made us yearn for more untethered public art that could just blow through the streets, harmlessly bumping into things, bringing surprise and delight to the teeming masses. We’d love to see rogue replicas of Deborah Kass’s “OY/YO,” Rachel Whiteread’s “Cabin,” and Hank Willis Thomas’s “Truth Booth” drifting around New York like highbrow tumbleweeds. We know you’re a control freak, Cancer, but try being a bit more open to chance and coincidence this month.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Everyone knows you’re a hard worker, Leo, but this month you should take it easy and let others enjoy some time in the limelight. This is a good period for catching up on all the fall shows that seemingly just opened and yet are about to close. And try taking a couple of days off for long weekend art trips to Mass MOCA or the Wellin Museum. If you really can’t keep yourself from working, it’s never too early to start planning your jaunt to Miami in early December.
Virgo (August 23–September 23)
There’s no easy way to say this, Virgo, so we’re going to give it to you straight: in every respect, your October is going to be awful. Hunker down and wait for November!
Upside-down image of David Shrigley, “Really Good” (2016) (photo by Gautier Deblonde)