Welcome to our occasional look at the positively flatulent and laughable junk mail that we receive in our inboxes most days.
Although such ordure matter gets (or should get) sent straight to the junk folder and usually does, sometimes it is so outrageously, well, outrageous, that it’s worth pulling out to demonstrate just what a vast septic tank the internet actually is.
Here are a few examples of hilarious junk that I found in my trash folder recently…
Hi Suzan, add me on LinkedIn (oh, so no “please” or anything boring like that.)
(name)
Health, Wellness and Fitness Professional (not professional in the manners department it seems. Up yours.)
How to make a man sexually obsessed with you (and only you) … without even TOUCHING him …watch this video. (I wouldn’t dream of touching him. I don’t know where he’s been.)
Good day,
Im Eric Relay from Webindia Trades Limited, I got a recommendation of you from one of your customer, we are interested in making some good order from your company.
please send us more information about your company for our ref.
1). Best FOB Prices with clear photos of your latest catalog 2). Lead-time (? days) for pre production samples.
3). Payment term ( LC or TT )
4). MOQ,ETD & ETA to Port Holland.
Have a wonderful day .
Best Regards,
Eric Relay
(take a tip from a grown-up online marketer. Learn English.)
Dear <addressee name here>
(If you’re going to use MailChimp, learn how it works first. Nitwit.)
People in Japan usually drink water right after they wake up. Numerous studies have confirmed the advantage of this habit. This morning routine has healing effect and provides positive results regarding different serious diseases. There is evidence proving that drinking water on an empty stomach can be amazingly helpful in treating numerous diseases, including: headache, pain in any part of the body,cardiovascular disorders and diseases, tachycardia, epilepsy, increased blood fat levels, bronchitis, asthma, tuberculosis, meningitis, kidney and urinary tract diseases, vomitting, gastritis, diarrhea, hemorrhoids, diabetes, constipation, eye and vision problems, uterine diseases, menstrual disorders, diseases and conditions effecting the ear, nose, and throat.
(Really? Well, shucks: never knew that. I just thought we need to drink water to keep hydrated. We live and learn, right?)
Act on your publishing aspirations so you can make your mark as an author. Get on a clear path towards your goals with publishing and bookselling services bundled into our wide range of publishing packages. Purchase your chosen package by the 15th and you can enjoy savings of up to £4,749.50 with our 50% off publishing markdown!
(You mean a publishing deal with you assholes would otherwise cost £9,499.00? Oh, what a fab saving. You really think wannabee authors are suckers, don’t you. Sadly some of them are which is why you’re still in business. Were this not a family website I would describe you as C U Next TuesdayS.)
I blinked into the inky blue-black haze. Once again, I could see the Milky Way, as carnage gave way to calm, and chaos had been exchanged clarity. The glass revealed neutrality and nothingness, just stars in a pleasing swirl. All was quiet. All was calm.
(…and you are selling? Aha, business networking in London, England. That place is more stinky-poo than inky-blue and only way you’d ever see the Milky Way from London is if there were a massive power outage. About as quiet and calm as a full-on air raid. Have you dropped any acid recently?)
Dear Customer, NatWest (from <mcwaters@ksu.edu>)
We noticed some unusual activity in your NatWest account. To help protect you, we’ve temporarily blocked your account.
Why are you seeing this?
Due to possible errors, Your account violates our Terms of Service.
How can you unblock your account?
The fastest way to unblock your NatWest account is to verify your account. (click to phishing site.)
If you haven’t setup a mobile phone in your account, please contact Customer Support.
Thanks,
The NatWest Team
(I really don’t think Mr/Ms mcwaters@ksu.edu is likely to be sheepdogging “unusual activity” in customers’ NatWest accounts. Do you?)
Hey,
A revolutionary system just been released to the public
Your own bank account manager does not want you to know what’s this system is about You were LUCKY get invited to it.
>> CHECK HERE << (to click-tracking site, of course)
HurryUp! This video could be removed at any time.
Good Luck!
Sarah Jones
(Here’s a tip, Sarah … do something connected with sex and travel. Right now.)
Congratulations,
Your account has been activated and upgraded for no cost!
License Key: #84971
We have reviewed your account and saw you need it..
This is the GameChanger you’ve waiting for..
>> DOWNLOAD THIS UPGRADE HERE
This is fully automated. Yes, you heard right! FULLY AUTOPILOT
With the REAL guys who STAND behind their product (which is rare these days).
The bad news?
He is only giving an upgrade for the first 20 members.
So you better hurry up!
>> Go here and get a upgrade if it is still on!
Real guys produce real results. Nothing fake, none of the actors only real profits:
I get hundreds of positive reviews on this one, which is rare these days.
(Sorry, dear, but I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. What are you on?)
Good morning (arrived 16:54 hrs)
I hope you are well? (no you don’t, you don’t even know me)
Please find attached a press release which may be of interest to you and your outlets. We have also attached a couple of pictures for those who require them.
Many thanks
(no name … what a great PR service you offer clients, right … not.)
What are the funniest / most outrageous spam messages you receive?
Please share. We need to laugh at them…