Am I the only person that feels like TV shows are sorely lacking this season?
“Well Paul, maybe if you spent more time . . . I don’t know . . . watching SPORTS and talking SPORTS . . . you wouldn’t have this problem. Why are you employed again? #SharpieEyebrows.”
Granted. But think about it. The Walking Dead is on break. You couldn’t pay me to watch Mad Men and its deplorable cast of characters. The Newsroom is toast – a good thing, because unless you’re watching things in slow motion, you’ll miss 36 pages of over-dialogue from Aaron Sorkin. And while I love Homeland, I can only tolerate terrible Carrie Mathison decisions for 50 minutes at a time.
“We get it Paul. You hate everything, despite being incapable of creating the art that you mock.”
I am a simple man. One that loves three things: Vanilla Coke, Corgis, and binge watching excellent television. With that in mind, I’m in desperate need of the show that invented the genre: Netflix’s House of Cards.
We’re a little over two months away from Kevin Spacey maniacally talking trash about all of Fake Washington D.C. . . . while creepily looking directly at the camera. I need a time machine.
“Not possible, idiot.”
Then how about House of Cards themed NFL power rankings?
You’ve heard of the five stages of grief. They’ve got nothing on the three stages of Peter Russo.
The 3 Stages Of Peter Russo!
Step 1: The Worthless Era
138. Tennessee Titans 2-12 (LW: 99)
137. New York Jets 3-11 (LW: 77)
136. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-12 (LW: 81)
135. Washington Redskins 3-11 (LW: 50)
Let’s begin with “The Worthless Era”. Boozebag and known philanderer Peter Russo is just too easy. Especially after pulling a Classic-Peter: getting a DUI with a hooker in the car . . . not even 30 minutes into the show. Naturally,
Satan
Franky Frank is right there to cover things up. NO WAY this will be used against Peter, right?
[Literally 40 minutes later]
“Hey Pete? Yeah . . . I’m going to need you to stand idly by while we close down a shipyard in your home district. Don’t worry, only 12,000 people are going to lose their jobs. And then send you angry emails about it. Yeah . . . you’re probably going to start boozing, snorting, being a bad dad. But maybe I’ll reward you some day bro!”
As for these four abominations. The Titans are easily the league’s worst team, and the most boring one at that. The Jets blew their chance to get Marcus Mariota by beating Tennessee . . . and probably should have fired Rex Ryan already so they’d throw things in the tank. The Bucs are adorably scrappy . . . always finding ways to blow games late.
And the Redskins? A champion of irrelevance. A lot of people – especially in this town – hated hearing constant Cowboys coverage of their annual 8-8 pilgrimages. But hey . . . at least they won some games. The Redskins haven’t won a playoff game – or more than 10 regular season games – in 23 years. Yet here we are, having never ending conversations about racist nicknames, terrible coaches like Jay Gruden, and busts like Robert Griffin III. NEXT.
Step 2: The Redemption!
99. Jacksonville Jaguars 2-12 (LW: 63)
98. Oakland Raiders 2-12 (LW: 27)
97. New York Giants 5-9 (LW: 25)
OoOoOhhh . . . big boy Peter brassing up and kissing
old man Jenkins’
Vice President Jim Matthews’ keester! His biggest weakness! All is well, and Petey’s dreams of ruling over people like this and this are suddenly a reality!
What separates these three from the train-wrecks above? One word: hope. The Jaguars and Raiders may stink . . . but there’s at least a chance that the quarterbacks they drafted this year could be long term solutions. As for the Giants? Odell Beckham Jr. IS the rookie of the year. I haven’t seen a first year receiver come in and dominate THIS MUCH since Randy Moss. Coughlin is probably out of a job. But with this guy to throw to, Eli Manning sure as hell won’t.
Step 3: …And Then Sh*t Hits The Fan
43. Chicago Bears 5-9 (LW: 26)
42. St. Louis Rams 6-8 (LW: 14)
41. San Francisco 49ers 7-7 (LW: 20)
(Rachel + Alchohol) X Drunk Interview + (Self Loathing X More Alcohol) = Eventual Death By Carbon Monoxide Poisoning.
Yes. We are in fact talking about f*&%ing gas, man.
How about these teams Chernobyling their way towards the finish line? The Bears are snitching on themselves and firing themselves as I write. Cardinals coach Bruce Arians just “Boom, Roasted” the St. Louis Rams’ entire existence. While wearing a flat cap. And the Jim Harbaugh era of 49ers football was sunk by a shaky call and a shaky quarterback.
The Doug Stamper “Taking To Long To Kill Off” Division!
32. Atlanta Falcons 5-9 (LW: 22)
31. Carolina Panthers 5-8-1 (LW: 23)
30. New Orleans Saints 6-8 (LW: 24)
Some people viewed Doug as an efficient, loyal, cold-blooded killing machine . . .
NOPE. Not me. Because his creep-mode interactions with Rachel the hooker in season two were nauseating. Particularly when he forced her to read him A Tale Of Two Cities. Is that how he gets off? By hearing opposites listed in rapid succession? I’ll be honest . . . I’m happy he’s dead. Because that means no more of that awful sub-plot.
Meanwhile, do I really need to give this division time? Nah.
Lucas Goodwin
26. Cleveland Browns 7-7 (LW: 21)
Lucas Goodwin IS Cleveland. First, Zoe Barnes uses him to cut corners at the Washington Herald. Later, Goodwin gets drunk and drunkenly makes a move on Barnes. #REJECTED.
Luckily for Lukey-Luke, eventually Barnes finds she’s into him. And MOVES IN with him 5 minutes later. But not before telling Goodwin she’s been shacking up with Frank Underwood. Then? BAM. Zoe gets hit by a train, Luke can’t accept it, and the next thing you know he’s being arrested for cyber-terrorism. Once arrested? Nobody believes his “conspiracy theory”. 10 years in jail. Blouses, bro.
The Browns have experienced back to back Cleveland-style disasters. First, they blew a must win game late against the Colts. And this past Sunday, they were blown out by their cross state rivals. Making matters worse, Johnny Manziel may have had the worst quarterback debut . . . ever.
It’s a shame, because for the most part this season had been enjoyable for Browns fans.
President Garrett “Pee-Pants” Walker
20. Miami Dolphins 7-7 (LW: 17)
A brief hot political take: for the most part, the anti-Bush and anti Obama crowds hate each other as well. But if there’s one thing that could unite the haters of our last two presidents, it’s this fact: President Garrett “Pee-Pants” Walker was a spineless puppet in an empty suit.
In a nutshell? He’s Theoden from Lord of the Rings. Tusk OWNED his ass. And Gandalf was never walking through that door . . .
Now, to the pathetic Dolphins. Another big game for Joe Philbin. And another colossal choke. Miami actually played well in the first half against the Patriots Sunday. But as they always do, they blew several opportunities to put New England in an early hole.
Tom Hammerschmidt
19. Minnesota Vikings (LW: 19)
Hammerschmidt = every John Feinstein golf-themed CBS Sports Minute. It’s the 21st century bro. Adapt to the times.
Do I really have to break down the Vikings? They’ve had an easy schedule. They’ve beaten the bad teams on it. And lost to the good ones. Boring.
Freddy Hayes
18. Houston Texas 7-7 (LW: 18)
Freddy’s Ribs? J.J. Watt. Freddy’s son? The pile of
dead
injured Texans quarterbacks.
You have to feel for Freddy. He was SO close to getting his restaurant franchised. And then his stupid spawn gets pissed at the paparazzi. Which forced him to SELL his original joint.
The Texans have gone down that same path. Any excitement about Ryan Mallett’s future – or the possibilities with Tom Savage for the final two games – seem to all be in the toilet now.
Jim Matthews
15. Kansas City Chiefs 8-6 (LW: 15)
I wish Andy Reid was a bit more of a blowhard. Because nobody does hardo, show-stealing speeches like Vice President Matthews. And then this comparison would be much easier.
Instead, I’ll take the lazy way out. Reid can’t manage the clock. Matthews can’t manage life without constant ego-petting. Basically, he’s this dog.
Edward Meechum
14. Buffalo Bills 8-6 (LW: 16)
You’re probably asking yourself: “Who the hell is Meechum?” He’s Frank’s main bodyguard . . . one that has risen the ranks simply by hanging around. And if you linger long enough, sometimes you get a big break against a power-house like the Packers. Or, you’ll get a chance to get . . . frisky with your bosses.
Christina Gallagher
13. San Diego Chargers 8-6 (LW: 12)
Christina is COMPLETELY in the dark in all facets of life . . . willfully working for the people that murdered her boyfriend. A boyfriend that was willing to cheat on her with Rachel, other prostitutes, possibly couches, lamps . . .
You know who else is in the dark? Anyone who sees San Diego making it back to the post-season. The Chargers have a legitimate shot at the playoffs . . . by math only. I don’t think back to back wins on the road against the 49ers and Chiefs are possible. Phillip Rivers can only do so much.
Janine Skorsky
12. Indianapolis Colts 10-4 (LW: 7)
What a complete fraud. First, she acts catty towards Zoe when she starts stealing her thunder at the Herald. But when Zoe offers her a job at Slugline, she takes it in seconds.
Later on, Zoe was clearly murdered. And Janine has a pretty good idea of who was behind it. But was she willing to be the journalist/arbiter of truths she viewed herself as? Hell no. She completely gives up on exposing Underwood, finding justice for Zoe, and on top of that, leaves Lucas to rot in jail. F-R-A-U-D.
Let’s clear this up once and for all: the Colts may be the best team in the AFC South. But they stand no chance against the Patriots, Broncos, or ANY non Andy Dalton led team that will make the AFC Playoffs.
Adam Galloway
11. Detroit Lions 10-4 (LW: 9)
Did anyone like watching this guy? Some wannabe Gary Oldman, cheesy-stached photographer? Every scene with him is like watching the Lions play offense.
Gillian Cole
10. Philadelphia Eagles 9-5 (LW: 5)
Oh, Gillian. You’re so smart – a Stanford valedictorian in fact. But did you really think you could blackmail Claire Underwood? Get real.
Chip Kelly is smarter than the average bear himself. Still, he needs to realize that his offense IS NOT fool-proof for any quarterback. Mark Sanchez is still Mark Sanchez. And we’re seeing that now.
Seth Grayson
9. Pittsburgh Steelers 9-5 (LW: 8)
Grayson is cold . . . calculated . . . and two faced. Tusk hired him to dig up dirt on the Underwoods. Instead, he’ll probably end up being Frank’s right hand man in season 3. Assuming of course, that Doug is in fact dead . . .
The Steelers are the NFL’s biggest two face. Are they actually good? Because we know they aren’t consistent.
Remy Danton
8. Baltimore Ravens 9-5 (LW: 10)
If there’s one person who could perhaps bring Underwood to his knees down the road, it’s this man. The only question is if he actually has the power to make it happen. Frank’s point above is a valid one.
The AFC is a two horse race between the Patriots and Broncos. I’m of the belief that the conference shouldn’t even bother letting any other teams into the playoffs. There’s no point.
But since there will be 6 teams in the AFC playoffs, there’s only one team I think could challenge New England and Denver: Baltimore. They’ll need a way to hide their abysmal secondary . . . but their offense and defensive front seven are both among the league’s elite.
7. Jackie Sharp
Cincinnati Bengals 9-4-1 (LW: 13)
On paper, Jackie is a beast. She’s a war veteran. She’s not unfeeling, but she is able to make extremely tough decisions – showing this when speaking with Frank about civilians she’s killed in the past. And she CLEARLY has some serious cajones.
But let’s be clear . . . Jackie does not get to where she is – currently the House Majority Whip – without Frank’s help.
Jackie by herself? Andy Dalton. Jackie with Frank? Jeremy Hill and a punishing Bengals running game. If Cincy does any damage in January, they’ll do it riding Hill and Giovanni Bernard.
Rachel Posner
6. Arizona Cardinals 11-3 (LW: 11)
Rachel is a survivor. And with Doug (likely) dead, she’s got a whole lot of power . . . and could maybe even bring Frank down?
I don’t know how to explain the Cardinals. They’re down to Ryan freaking Lindley. Everyone on defense is or has been injured. And yet, they’re tied for the most wins in the NFL with the Patriots and Broncos. Head coach Bruce Arians is a beast.
Gavin Orsay
5. Dallas Cowboys 10-4 (LW: 6)
We all have a tough time respecting the Cowboys late in the season. But give credit where credit is due. They showed toughness against the Eagles on Sunday night.
Gavin broke free of his FBI chain late in season 2, and will likely be a major player AGAINST Frank in season 3. At least I think. Still, I can’t help but see him as Liam McPoyle. Like Gavin, the Cowboys need to earn more respect in the post-season. Assuming they make it . . .
Zoe Barnes
4. Green Bay Packers 10-4 (LW: 1)
The Bills = The Train. Zoe, meet train.
This loss is far from the end of the world for the Packers. But it does show that Aaron Rodgers can be slowed down . . . and significantly. Buffalo’s defensive backs gave receivers Jordy Nelson and company plenty of problems. That does not bode well for a likely future rematch with the Seahawks and the Legion of Boom.
Raymond Tusk
3. Denver Broncos 11-3 (LW: 4)
He had the whole world in his hands at the beginning of season 2. But as the season progressed, it slipped further . . . and further away. Until eventually, Tusk and President Pee-Pants were out of the picture.
I think the Broncos are headed down that same path. Peyton Manning’s arm just isn’t the same anymore. And when things get cold – either in Denver or New England during the post-season – the odds of things getting worse are very real. Do we really believe that running back C.J. Anderson can lead them to a championship run?
Claire Underwood
2. New England Patriots 11-3 (LW: 3)
She’s only where she is because of Frank. But damn, she’s good. Perhaps as under the radar evil as Robin Wright’s other big role: Jenny in Forrest Gump.
This actually applies to the Patriots too. Yes, they have Brady. Yes, they have Gronk. But they’ve copied the Seahawks too . . . investing heavily in their secondary with Revis and Browner this off-season. As a result? They have an upper-echelon defense
Frank Underwood
1. Seattle Seahawks 10-4 (LW: 2)
Yeah, don’t mess with him.
Week 15: Sports Movies
Week 14: 24
Week 13: Seany P and The Sopranos
Week 12: The Wire
Week 11: Space Movies
Week 10: Arnold Schwarzenneger
Week 9: Horror Movies
Week 8: Uninspired
Week 7: Homeland
Week 6: The Walking Dead
Week 5: Nic Cage’s Crazy Train
Week 4: Liam Neeson’s Fists
Week 3: Star Wars
Week 2: Boardwalk Empire
Week 1: Game of Thrones
Paul Gallant hosts the “B-Straw and Pauly G” show – Tuesdays 9-11 PM, Wednesdays 8-11 PM, and Fridays 8-11 PM – with Brien Straw. Get in contact with Paul on Twitter – @PaulyGSays – or on Facebook – Paul Gallant.
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