Meet Some Scary Mommies And Lend A Hand To A Fabulous Cause
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Scary Mommy is a community of writers, readers, and parents that celebrates – and often pokes fun at – imperfect parenting. Jill Smokler, founder of Scary Mommy has put together an original and superbly funny holiday anthology that will make you laugh, maybe even cry (from laughing so hard), and most definitely leave you feeling like you have a posse of moms who get it.
I am very proud to be included in this impressive line up of women writers. The e-book, Scary Mommy’s Guide To Surviving The Holiday’s launches on November 17th. A portion of the sales of this book will help fund The Scary Mommy Nation Thanksgiving Project.
Want a sneak peek at the marvelous talent that fills the pages of this hilarious book? Of course you do! Check out the phenomenal list of writers, their biographies, links to their wonderful blogs, and excerpts of their original works in the Scary Mommy Guide To Surviving The Holiday’s.
*** As this post goes live there are 3 days left to help more than 290 families STILL waiting to be adopted on the Scary Mommy Nation Thanksgiving Project 2014 waiting list. $50 can adopt a family.***
VICKY WILLENBERG
http://thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com
Vicky is a wife, mother and obsessive volunteer at her sons’ school. She works in Digital Marketing and Communications while juggling the class bake sale, folding laundry from 2 weeks ago and searching for the dog who escaped yet again. You can find her chronicling the good, the bad and the hilarious on her blog, The Pursuit of Normal and on Facebook at ThePursuitOfNormal. Vicky has been featured on Scary Mommy, Mamalode, Mamapedia and BlogHer. She’s also had the privilege of being published in both HerStories Project anthologies.
EXCERPT
10 Signs You’ve Made it to the End of Winter Break:
#3- Your body resembles that of a woolly mammoth because the idea of going to a waxing appointment with your children brings to mind future dinner conversations about the benefits of vagazzling and hours of therapy.
JOELLE WISLER
Running From Mountain Lions
Joelle Wisler is a writer, mom and physical therapist, living high in the mountains of Colorado. She loves to run the crazy trails behind her house, but is terrified of getting eaten by a mountain lion. Or trampled by a moose. She is a Huffpost blogger and a Scary Mommy staff writer. She writes about motherhood and the wildlife that live inside and outside of her home on her blog, Running From Mountain Lions.
EXCERPT:
20 Ways You Know It’s The Day After Christmas
#12 You begin to notice toys that you don’t remember buying and think that you may have blacked out sometime mid-December after one two many chai teas.
JENNIFER SCHARF
www.momcoms.com
Jennifer Scharf is a writer with essays published in McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, Mamalode and more. She is a contributor to Scary Mommy’s Guide To Surviving The Holiday’s e-book and Co-Director/Producer for Listen To Your Mother, Seattle. You can follow Jennifer on Twitter @MomComs and www.momcoms.com
EXCERPT:
An Open Letter To The Elf On The F**king Shelf
You’re a book, a doll, a keepsake box. You’re an iPhone app, a newsletter, and a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. You’re everywhere.
You’re a nightmare!
HARMONY HOBBS
www.modernmommymadness.com
Harmony Hobbs is a drinker, a thinker, and a fan of sturdy undergarments … as well as a full-time mother of three. She navigates the waters of motherhood without any grace or finesse whatsoever. She began her blog, Modern Mommy Madness, in 2010 as a sort of coping mechanism, and has continued to self-medicate by writing all the things that she can’t (or shouldn’t) say out loud. Her work is best described as “honesty and insanity in one fell swoop.”
EXCERPT:
Our holiday reality looks a lot like me slowly turning into Linda Blair from “The Exorcist” between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even though I WANT to enjoy the season, I am also a mom (meaning I have to deal with presents and wrapping and extra errands and extra food preparation, class parties and remembering to do things no one else will do), a wife (meaning I would like to look somewhat attractive while doing all of the above, or at least remember to shower), and an overachiever (meaning that even if I manage to do ALL OF THAT, I still feel like I should or could have done more.)
That’s a whole lot for one person to handle without leaning heavily on the bottle.
ABBY BYRD
www.abbythewriter.com
Abby writes humor, satire, and cultural criticism. She is in disbelief that she has yet to receive any financial compensation for being so clever and hilarious. Follow her on Facebook, on Twitter, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.
EXCERPT:
Recipe: Punch-Your-Husband-in-the-Face-if-He-Asks-for-Stove-Top-One-More-Time Stuffing.
This year, perhaps you’ve vowed to make an original holiday dish that will become family legend. And perhaps your efforts to create said dish have been trampled upon at every turn by a tribe of philistines who keep asking why we aren’t having “the stuff in the box.” We are having homemade stuffing, you answer, because family traditions do not come in a box.
JENNIFER LIZZA
www.outsmartedmommy.com
Before having children Jennifer thought being a stay at home mom would be a walk in the park. Now that she’s doing it she realizes it’s more like a run in a zoo (without cages for the animals). She traded in her salary for sloppy kisses, corporate lunches for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and sales meetings for finger painting sessions. Her two boys outsmart her on a daily basis although in her defense it could be the lack of sleep. She writes to stay sane on her blog Outsmarted Mommy and has been featured on Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, LeftyPop and iVillage Australia. She is also a contributor for Felicity Huffman’s What The Flicka? Her children are not the least bit impressed they just want to know what’s for dinner. You can follow Jennifer on Facebook, Twitter and Google +.
EXCERPT:
The key is you prepare it the day before and then bake it Christmas morning. It is by far the best breakfast you could possibly make while being able to lie on your couch and say “okay boys we are fresh out of batteries so how about playing with your new coloring books?!
TONI HAMMER
www.tonihammer.com
Toni Hammer never planned on having kids, but she’s now a stay-at-home mom to Lillian and Levi who were born 355 days apart because the universe has an awesome sense of humor. She chronicles her mommy misadventures at Is It Bedtime Yet? and a book of the same name is being pitched to publishers right this very second. She’s a Scary Mommy contributor, Huffington Post blogger, and expert Top Chef watcher. If you’re a fellow social media addict, you can also find her trying to be funny on Facebook and Twitter. She loves food she doesn’t have to cook, and drowns her mommy guilt in copious amounts of coffee and Diet Coke.
EXCERPT:
Don’t put the dessert table at the perfect height for your toddler to pilfer cookies all afternoon long. We had this issue with my daughter and she was so hyped up on sugar she didn’t sleep until Labor Day.
JENNIFER WEEDON PALAZZO
www.momcavetv.com
Jennifer Weedon Palazzo is the creator/writer/and producer of Mom Cave TV, an online network of comedy shows for moms including Slummy Mummy, Double Leche, Blabbermom, and MomCave LIVE. She’s a working actress in NYC who has appeared in films, commercials, and some very off-off Broadway plays. When she’s not writing about the funny side of being a mom (for blogs like Scary Mommy and Mamalode) Jennifer can be found eating Reese’s Cups while furiously bidding on vintage clothing on eBay. She lives in Manhattan with her husband, Evan, bandleader of The Hot Sardines and their son.
EXCERPT:
The dictionary definition of a holiday is “a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done.” Ha! This definition was obviously written by a childless single man with no extended family.
MY definition of holiday–”a day that formerly held religious or cultural significance but upon marriage and motherhood become a gauntlet-esque test of one’s creativity, work-ethic, culinary expertise, and diplomatic skills.” Oh, and it’s a crap-ton of work.
JESSICA HOEFER-LAND aka THE DALAI MAMA
www.travelingmercies-jessica.blogspot.com
Jessica is a wannabe urban homesteader in Portland, living with her blended family of 4 kids, 3 rescue dogs and 4 chickens named after Starbucks drinks. She is a vegetarian but dreams about eating bacon. Jessica will always consider herself a beginning knitter and a lousy crafter.
EXCERPT:
About these Molasses cookies…they are pretty much like a party in your mouth. Seriously, man. Ginger, cloves, cinnamon and brown sugar? For reals. I make them from early fall all the way to New Years. Oh who am I kidding, I make them year round and they show up at every family gathering. It’s tradition! Go ahead and cue the Fiddler on the Roof music.
TAMMY SCOTT aka PAPRIKA FURSTENBURG
www.goodhumored.wordpress.com
Tammy Scott makes her students laugh during the day then goes home to three creatures who always make her laugh: her husband and two cats. A lifetime of misadventure has given her the material she needs to write humorous poems and essays; several of which have been published. She blogs as Paprika Furstenburg at www.goodhumored.wordpress.com.
EXCERPT:
I know Hanukkah seems glamorous with 8 days of presents, delicious fried foods you are religiously obligated to eat and the parentally sanctioned opportunity to play with fire. But, the way the presents are doled out is torturous.
ALISA SCHINDLER
www.IceScreamMama.com
Alisa Schindler is a SAHM of three boys and wife to Mr. Baseball. In between schlepping to the ball fields and burning cupcakes, she chronicles the sweet and bittersweet of life in the suburbs on her blog IceScreamMama.com. Her essays have been featured on NYTMotherlode, Mamapedia.com, Scary Mommy and Erma Bombeck’s Writers’ Workshop, as well as Huffington Post and WhatToExpect.com, where she is a regular contributor. She hopes to publish one of the manuscripts under her bed that keep her from sleeping.
EXCERPT:
Ah Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful and giving. A time to be with your family and watch your sister-in-law get drunk, your great aunt insult your mother, your father-in-law drool over a large carcass, and your children run like wild beasts while you chitter chatter with your cousins and drink and eat more calories that you have all week…
JANIE EMAUS
www.janieemaus.com
Janie Emaus believes when the world is falling apart, we’re just one laugh away from putting it together again. She is the author os the time travel romance, Before the After, and the young adult novel, Mercury in Retro Love. She has been published in many anthologies including the Best Selling, You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth. She was proud to be named a 2013 BlogHer Voice of the Year. But no award (well, maybe the Pulitzer) ranks higher than her family. To learn more about Janie visit her website www.JanieEmaus.com.
EXCERPT:
A cacophony of sounds, enough to drive one crazy. But the silence would be unbearable. In these moments there is enough heart to challenge any Hallmark film ever made.
AMY HUNTER
www.theoutnumberedmother.com
Amy grew up in the suburbs of Long Island singing Barbara Streisand hits into her hairbrush. When she’s not writing her hilarity fueled parenting memoir as The Outnumbered Mother, she’s a Florida living, butt wiping, soccer team carting, gourmet chef attempting, tennis skirt wearing, non-tennis playing, self-proclaimed bad mamma jamma to 3 sons and a very understanding husband. You can find Amy’s work as a featured writer for Scary Mommy, The Huffington Post, and In The Powder Room.
EXCERPT:
Or cousin-so-and-so will inform you the night before that her vegan-no-dairy-no-gluten-but-lots-of-hot-air boyfriend won’t be going back to Wisconsin for the holiday weekend. “Is it cool if he comes for dinner?” Of course it’s cool. You’re a Thanksgiving Jedi. Good times.
ALESSANDRA MACALUSO
www.punkwife.com
Alessandra Macaluso (The Pregnant Holiday Checklist) is author of “The Bitch’s Bridal Bible: the must-have, real-deal guide for brides,” and blogger at Punkwife.com. You can find her chasing after her daughter, attempting to not screw up this parenting thing, and on Twitter @punkwife.
EXCERPT:
If you’re expecting this year, be prepared for questions. Answers such as “we are keeping it a secret!” “my doctor recommended it,” or “I prefer not to share” sound much better than being caught off-guard and stuttering, or worse, giving away information you never really meant to say.
You could of course have fun with this one, too. For instance, when someone asks, “What will you name the baby?” respond with “Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.” And when they ask where the baby was conceived, tell them in the bathroom at BuyBuyBaby, and that you will work the location into your bundle’s middle name since the memory is so special.
KIM BONGIORNO
www.letmestartbysayingblog.com
Kim Bongiorno is an author, freelance writer, and the award-winning blogger behind Let Me Start By Saying. She lives in New Jersey (USA) with her handsome husband and two charmingly loud kids, who she pretends to listen to while playing on Facebook and Twitter. If she was less tired, she’d totally add something really clever to her bio so you’d never forget this moment.
EXCERPT:
“How To Buy a Christmas Tree with a Preschooler and a Kindergartener”
29. Lose the 5-year-old amidst the trees.
30. Find the 5-year-old.
31. Ask for the tall trees.
32. Lose the 3-year-old while walking towards the tall trees.
33. Find the 3-year-old.
34. Gently remind children that if they run off again they will not get a Christmas tree, or presents, or joy.
35. Silently pray you don’t have to actually follow through on that.
ROBYN PASSANTE
Holding the Strings by Robyn Passante
Robyn Passante is an author, freelance writer and longtime blogger who writes about parenting — and other sources of inspiration and frustration — at Holding The Strings. She is a blogger for The Huffington Post and has been syndicated on BlogHer. A mother of two boys, Robyn is a former newspaper editor who has written two books for the wedding industry, had a nationally syndicated column on family finances, penned a children’s book that still needs a publisher (Anyone?) and, in her spare time, helps people write what’s most important to them through her business, Well Phrased.
EXCERPT:
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve uttered the words “I will never be the kind of mom who…” and then, approximately three weeks (or months, or days, or hours) later, proved myself a big fat liar.
But I can tell you it gets worse at Christmas.