2015-04-01

BREAKING NEWS- Just when you thought the San Francisco rental market couldn’t get any more egregious, we’re here to offend you one more time.

This morning the National Park Service announced it’s sale of Alcatraz Island with the intent for it to be converted into a modern and very luxurious (more on that later) apartment building and community.

We’re told that, in order to have The Rock tenant-ready for its September 1, 2015 opening, it’s property management company is opting for a light renovation rather than breaking new ground. Construction will focus on bringing the existing structure up to code, rather than altering the foundation of the structure. As such, plans call for the prison’s 336 cells to be converted into micro-studios, each maintaining the original square footage of the cells.

Pardon? Are micro-studios even a thing? Apparently they are now.

In this [San Francisco] rental market, time and space are money. Why let valuable land go unused just to complete construction that will eventually decrease the number of available units to rent out? Instead, we’ve come up with a revolutionary communal living concept that bridges the living community together while decreasing construction time and cost,” says one source close to the deal.

We can’t say we’re shocked. This is San Francisco, the same booming metropolis that brought you a closet for rent on Craigslist.

So how do they plan to sell us on this micro-studio concept? The same way you market anything in SF: luxury and novelty.

We want to channel the spirit of the old Alcatraz as we breathe life into this historic landmark. We’re revolutionizing what it means to be part of an urban community. At the same time, our demographic expects luxury living and luxury living they shall get. Building features that are considered “amenities” at luxury buildings on the continental 7×7, will be staple fixtures at The Rock,” says the source.

Communal bathrooms feature state-of-the-art Rain showerheads, heated floors and towel racks, and a Roman-style bathhouse. The communal kitchen will boast ten, 6-burner Viking Range cooktops for resident’s use 24/7, formal dining room seating and less-traditional bar seating will be available, and all residents will have access to a full range of cooking tools and supplies.

Despite the shared – albeit badass – amenities, The Rock comes with some pretty legit perks.

Residents can get their fitness on at the ultra-modern, full-sized athletic center complete with choice of indoor swimming in the Olympic-sized pool or for those who prefer a bit of a challenge, you can opt for open water swimming. There’s also a new five-star restaurant in town, and who does SF call when it needs some new grub?

Spoiler alert: Michael Mina’s newest restaurant Capone is now taking reservations for 2016.

Additional perks include a Prohibition era speakeasy, bowling alley courtesy of Brian Wilson and the folks who brought us Strike at AT&T park, and a 420-friendly greenhouse that doubles as a vegan vegetable garden.

One very big detail that is being kept oddly hush-hush is that of transportation between the island and the mainland. After this morning’s announcement, Twitter was abuzz speculation. The ideas being hypothesized range from the practical (building an underwater tunnel) to the sci-fi (fueled by rumors of recent Elon Musk sightings around the Financial District), and everything in between.

While we still have more questions than answers (What about street parking? Where’s the nearest corner store? Is this still 415 territory?), for now we’ll have to use our imaginations.

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Curious? Tour The Rock on HotPads.

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